Monday, October 24, 2011

And these are the days of our lives...

If you are reading this, I will warn you to stop.  It probably won't be nearly as good as you're expecting, and I don't like disappointing people.  But aside from that, if you have a few minutes to kill, this may be better than the local newspaper.

As most of you know, I went to school in Tennessee for a couple years, chasing a dream just like every mountain lover who wanted to give the big city a try.  I thought the music business was for me.  And, it may be, but not right now.  I missed my family, my friends, and my normal life where I could go to the bank and work, see people I enjoy seeing, and go home.  It's funny the simple things you take for granted that you miss when they are absent from your life.  I was a journalism minor and seemed to take to that pretty well.  Which is where this blog comes in.  I tried to get a job in the newspaper industry, and failed miserably.  Apparently, a music business major with no experience writing for a paper isn't enticing, even to the worst newspapers in the area.  I guess my charm and quick wit can't always be my ace in the hole. Therefore, rather than hide what small amount of talent I've been told I have in the back of my mind with all the other things I've given up over the years (dance lessons, guitar lessons, etc.), I thought maybe I would write something completely ridiculous and hope it was entertaining enough to hold the interest of you, the reader, or if I'm lucky, reader(s). If you don't use it, you lose it. Hopefully, I will have much more entertaining thoughts to elaborate on in my next post.

So, let's talk about life for a moment.  My life.  I am a complete nutjob.  I mean, think about it.  I went to college 6 years to get a Bachelor's degree in a prosfession completely worthless where I live.  What is wrong with me?  I went to school for 6 years to work at the bank?  Don't get me wrong, I love my job.  It makes me happy, I love coming to work, I love the people I work with, but why did I waste so much time?  OH and the other piece of the puzzle.  Law School.  I'm signed up to take the LSAT in December.  I can't seem to make up my mind where I want to be or what I want to be doing.  I am the most indecisive person on the planet, at least that's how I feel most days.  I like having other people making decisions for me, at least sometimes.  Like where I want to eat.  If somebody will at least tell me where to go, I can totally decide what to order.  Well, anywhere other than Hyden.  That decision is usually pretty simple, even for me.

New topic.  I have a small attention span.  I switch topics very abruptly sometimes without warning.  Anyway.  The topic.  My transition.  On June 3, 2011, my life was forever changed.  I had my heart broken by the one person I thought loved me the most.  More like crushed.  Then burned.  Let's just say it, was really bad.  Honestly, it was the worst pain I've ever felt.  I've heard it compared to a death, and that is probably the best description I can come up with.  It is the combination of hurt, betrayal, loss, frustration, anger, confusion, sorrow, and so much more all poured into one giant melting pot of tears.  I woke up one morning to a Facebook message, basically summing up the last 2 years and 10 months into two words: it's over.  I couldn't go to work. I couldn't get out of bed.  I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't eat.  I was the most depressed human on the planet.  I was lost.  I had no sense of myself, where I needed to go, or how to grieve for somebody that I thought I would spend my life with.  He refused to talk to me.  He gave me no explanation.  I asked myself everyday "What did I do?" and "What do I do now?".  But, I have far too much of my father in me to let a heartbreak be the defining moment in my life.  A defining moment, perhaps.  THE defining moment, hell no.  I definitely learned from it.  I had to take a step back from my life.  Up until that point my only aspiration was to make it back home to be with him, start a life, build our dreams from scratch.  Where do I go?  What does this mean for my future?  I asked myself questions everyday trying to come to terms with the direction of where my life was now headed.  So. I did something I hadn't done in so long I had forgotton the last time.  I asked myself the most important question, "What do I want?"  What I didn't want, was to move again.  I just got home.  Things were just starting to make sense again.  I went on a journey of self-discovery. Not by myself ironically, I had company.  Voices of reason who reminded me what was important in life.  So, I went through the transition of finding myself.  My true self.  I make my decisions, I live my life, I became the person I wanted to be.  I became me. I am more myself today than I have ever been in my life, and I am proud of who I am.

With all that said, it may sound like I live this exciting life.  Well, I don't.  I get up and I go to work, where I sit with my friends, talk about life's challenges and trials, stare out my drive thru window and watch the same people day in and day out.  And, that's just how I like it.  I did find my spontanaeity streak in my transition.  So, I can't tell you that I will still be staring out this same window this time next year, or the year after that.  I have no idea where I'm going.  I have found the the best things happen when you aren't planning.  So, I stopped planning.  I go with the flow. I'm letting life find me right now.  So far, it's working perfectly.  I'm happy.



Song for this post:

"Let It Go"

I've been caught sideways out here on the crossroads
Trying to buy back the pieces I lost of my soul
It's hard when the devil won't get off your back
It's like carrying around the past in a hundred pound sack

[Chorus]
Today I'm gonna keep on walking
I'm gonna hold my head up high
I'm gonna leave it all behind
Today I'm gonna stand out in the rain
Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away
I'm gonna let it go Oh yeah
I'm gonna let it go Oh yeah

Skeletons and Ghosts are hiding in the shadows
Threatening me with all the things that they know
Choices and mistakes, they all know my name
But I'm through holding in and holding onto all that pain

[Chorus]

I know I know I know I've been forgiven
I know I know I know I'm gonna start living

[Chorus]

Oh yeah

(Tim McGraw)