2011: The Year of Significance

It’s hard to believe this year is practically over already. Normally I wait until New Year’s to do this, but I don’t foresee anything detrimental to this post happening in the next week.  If so, that’s why there is an ‘edit’ button. Anywho, this should be an interesting read for those of you that know me, or want to know me.

We may as well start from the top. 

January started what could be the most significant year of my life so far. I was in my last semester of college. Ever.  And, quite possibly the most helpful of my four semesters at MTSU.  I found my love for writing and my passion for law again. It’s odd really to think that I had forgot how much I loved to write, but this made me think I could actually do it for a living.  And wow, it was a fight.  I had a hateful, decrepit man for a teacher in Feature Writing that made me cry almost every time I left his class. On the other hand I had an awesome teacher in Reporting, one that I actually enjoyed getting up at 8 O’ Clock to go sit and listen to.  As the semester wore on things got better in Feature Writing, but things in my life began to fall apart. 

My nearly three year relationship with Jason was in shambles. We fought constantly, over some of the most unimportant things.  I contributed it to the stress in my life, and I apologized constantly but I think I knew that there was a deeper rift than my apologies could ever fix. And I don’t want to say that I take complete blame. I tried to make it work, but relationships can’t be one sided. Still, we moved along, just at a very slow pace.

In May, I graduated from MTSU with a Bachelor’s Degree in Music Business. I finally after six LONG years of college, completed the degree I had wanted. Then I didn’t want it anymore. Well, it wasn’t that I didn’t want it per say. After interning with TKO Artist Management, one of the top firms in Nashville, I just realized it wasn’t the kind of job I wanted. I missed my family, I missed my friends, I missed Jason, and I wanted things to work with him so bad. I decided to come home and leave my music dream and Nashville behind, not to look back.

Toward the end of May, disaster really struck.  None of the jobs with newspapers I had applied for had came through, I felt like a failure.  And then, the weekend after I came home, Jason and I got into a fight. It’s mostly a blur now, but it set us on a three week battle. I fought to stay in the relationship, he fought to end it. I loved him, more than anything on Earth. I truly thought that if I just came home, if we were closer, we could make things work. I’d be happier, no stress of school, we could start moving forward. Turns out, that was all a mirage. I woke up June 3, to a Facebook message, two months shy of our three year anniversary.  I was devastated. 

I had nowhere to go. I had spent the last three years focusing on our relationship and my future with him. I was lost because I didn’t have a plan anymore. I hoped among hope that we would get back together, but that didn’t last very long. He refused to speak to me and still does. He apparently doesn’t even want to be my friend, but that is his choice and I respect it. It was a hard loss to get over. Heartbreak could be the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. It’s this feeling of death, sadness, and grief all rolled into one. It was like a part of me had died.  I spent two months in a deep depression. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and I cried constantly. I lost 20 pounds because I had no appetite.  I felt hopeless. 

But like any heartbreak, I got over it. It took a while, but it did happen. I found the light at the end of the tunnel. I realized that we weren’t good for each other anymore. We had been at one point, just not anymore. I like to compare it to the Billy Currington song that came out around that time, “Love Done Gone.”

“Don't worry, baby, sometimes things change
Nothin' we can do about it now, no way
This doesn't come easy, but that's just life
We can't keep pretendin' everything's alright

We told each other it was love before
The simple truth is it just ain't no more
The bells stop ringin', the music won't play
The crazy little feelin' that's faded away

Like snowflakes when the weather warms up
Like leaves on the trees when the autumn comes
Like the dogwood blossoms in a late spring rain
All the disappearin' bubbles in a glass of champagne
Like a red kite lost in a blue sky wind
I don't know where the good times went
It ain't nothin' we ever said or ever did wrong
It's just love done gone

I don't regret a single thing that we did
Anytime together, we ever spent
I wouldn't change a thing, baby, you know
Sometimes we gotta just go with the flow

Like snowflakes when the weather warms up
Like leaves on the trees when the autumn comes
Like the dogwood blossoms in a late spring rain
All the disappearin' bubbles in a glass of champagne
Like money in a slot machine
Don't know what happened to you and me
It ain't nothin' we ever said or ever did wrong
It's just love done gone”

It just summed up everything I felt about it. It still hurts sometimes. I miss his family so much because I was so attached to them. But, I will always love them. That doesn’t have to change. Some great things came out of our relationship. I learned a lot, and I made a lot of new friends, friends I will keep forever.

After I got over the initial shock and depression, I started looking at myself in a new light. I started asking myself what it was that I wanted.  I had allowed myself to get lost in the three years we were together. I wanted to remember who I was, and figure out what I wanted.  I took full time at the bank until I could figure out what that was.  They transferred me to the Hurts Creek branch, where I currently work the drive thru window.  So far it has been a wonderful experience. I have been working at Hyden Citizens Bank for almost four years and I love it. I had thought about trying to make a career out of it, and still haven’t ruled it out. But at the moment, I’m finally trying to chase my other dream – law.

At one of the lowest points in my life, I found a friend that I never expected. But they have been there for me through some of the hardest days I’ve ever had. They have stood by me and encouraged me and helped me put my life back together. They believed in me enough to give me the courage to follow my dream of being a lawyer, and I may never be able to repay them for all they have done.  But I am truly grateful.

In putting myself back together, I gave myself somewhat of a makeover. I started dressing better, I got a tan, and I worked on my self-esteem. I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl around, and certainly by no means the skinniest, but I am a great person. I try to help others, I love with all my heart, and I work hard at everything. I always give 110 percent. I love me. I would love me even more if I was about 30 pounds lighter, but I’m working on that, too.

This year I had a lot of firsts.  I laid in the tanning bed for the first time, rode a roller coaster, went to a Nascar race, had not one, but three, articles published, and most recently went to Church for the first time.  I am a long way from being the person I want to be, but I am better for the things I have gone through this year. I have learned to be happy with myself, and work on the things that I’m not happy with. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason I have gone through all this, there is a reason I am where I am today. I have so many blessings in my life – friends, family, co-workers, a great job, hopes for the future – I look forward to where I’m going.

I also got blessed with three nephews this year – Shade, Brayden, and Matthew.  Maybe not by blood, but nephews just the same. I have reconnected with old friends that I’d lost or been away from. I have built better relationships with those closest to me. I have re-discovered the importance of family. Each month I spend the last Sunday with my extended family on Dad’s side. I miss my granny more than anything, but I love so much spending time with them, and staying connected. In a way it’s like nothing has changed. We are still the same people. We still act the same way. There are just more of us. As our family grows, so does my granny’s memory.

This year was a year of discoveries, learning experiences, and in short—life.  We live and we learn, and we never stop.  Life doesn’t stop and wait for us to catch up. It just happens, and we have to catch up with life.  I’m still catching up, but I’m OK with that. I have time. I’m in no hurry. I’m more spontaneous these days, and I like it that way. Not having a plan has been good for me. Right now, I’m just enjoying the ride.

I hope everyone has an awesome 2012. I plan to :). And that’s the first plan I’ve made in a long time.  Peace!