Friday, June 22, 2012

Daddy's Little Girl: Father's Day Tribute

When I was about 11 years old, I went into Colter's with my dad.  For those of you that don't remember, it was a local chain jewelry store.  We were in the one in Hazard, Dad had went in to get a battery for his watch or something random like that, so like any 11 year old I was attracted to shiny objects, and I walked about the store looking at all the pretty, shiny things. I almost passed up this little shelf with a round moving case displaying necklace charms, but something caught my eye almost immediately. It was a golden heart, with the words "Daddy's Little Girl" forged as one with the heart, and tiny pinkish roses placed strategically for decoration.

I wanted it. Immediately.

Not only because it was pretty and such, I mean gold isn't even my color and they unfortunately didn't have a silver one, because believe me, I looked, but also because I was, in fact, the proudest of the group of  daddy's little girls.  My dad and I were thick as thieves, there was no mistaking that. I did everything with dad. From campaigning during elections to riding bulldozers and big trucks, to chewing on the Swisher Sweets tip cigars he used to 'puff' on as he called it.

That necklace had to be mine. It had to be.

But it wasn't. He wouldn't buy it. He said maybe later. I was NOT a happy camper. At all. But I let it go, because I knew my daddy. He would want me to have it as much as myself, just because he knew better than anyone what a daddy's girl I was. I knew I would end up with it, eventually.

A month or so later, Christmas morning, despite having to wait to open our presents to deal with the store burning to the ground, I was not at all surprised to find the little box holding my necklace hidden in the same box as a pair of Dr. Scholl boots my mom had bought me. Yes, I was 11 years old with Dr. Scholls. Mom made it her goal to make me the most UNcool kid at Stinnett University. Yes, I said University. Don't be hatin'.

This was the kind of things my dad has always done for me. There is not one time I can think of when I have needed him that he hasn't been there. He is undoubtedly one of the best father's a girl could ever have.

When I was little girl and I would get sick, I would sleep on the couch in the living room because of having the TV in there. I was real bad to go in and out of naps and such when I was sickly, so I would stay close to the TV to ward off boredom instead of staying in the back bedroom that felt more like a dungeon. More than once, I have woken up to find my father next to me. He would move the other couch up closer to mine and sleep beside me in case I got worse so he could be there to take care of me.

In fact, most of you probably don't know that my dad saved my life once. Well, probably more than once, many more times than once, but this one I vividly remember. I went into the store with him one morning when I was little and asked for a bacon and egg biscuit, which the lady working gave me. However, the bacon was something known as 'soft bacon' and it got hung in my throat when I swallowed it, and I started choking. My dad in the quickest reaction time ever, picked me up and laid me in his hand and hit my back, like sort of a heimlich maneuver technique, until I coughed it up. I shudder to think what would have happened had he not been there.

If I was pouting at him or mom, and we drove thru McDonald's or somewhere, I would always say I wasn't hungry. Dad would order me food anyway, and not even make me ask or apologize. He would just hand it to me because he knew I was hungry, and he probably knew I had his stubborn streak.

When I was little, I used to play hooky from school a lot. Dad knew the principal Mr. Couch quite well since they were best friends at the time, and I could get by with it. *wink*. I would go to Harlan with daddy to get his haircut occasionally on these days, and we would always stop at McDonald's where I would get the pancake breakfast (yes, one of the reasons why I'm so fat. *sigh*). We would sit in the parking lot of Magic Mart and eat, and what I didn't eat we would feed to the pigeons. These are some of the memories with my daddy that I will always keep, because they were ours, just mine and his. Nobody else's.

I loved going campaigning with him when I was little. He would pick me up from school and we would always stop at Pansy's on Beechfork and get a catfish dinner or Debbie's on Stinnett cause they had the best chicken planks. Yes, food was always involoved. This is why I'm fat...I never stopped eating as a child.  We would go from house to house where I would meet new people and learn the art of politics. This is probably why my mouth never stops now, 'cause I'm just like my daddy. I absolutely loved that whole politic'n deal. I got to spend time with him, see new places, meet new people, and fall in love with small town life.

When I graduated from Stinnett University, I went on home school for two years. Now there are things that I regret about not going to public school, but then again there are things that were great about it. Like trips with dad. He took me every week to take my tests at Calvary Christian Academy. We would have good talks and listen to the Crazy Friday Show on WSGS. And On the way back, providing I did good on my tests (which I always did), he would stop and let me buy Ty Beanie Babies at Dawahares, because that was the latest cool kid craze.  And through the week, we would move trailers up North a lot, around Indiana, Michigan, Ohio, etc. I would ride up with dad in the Toter truck. I. LOVED. That. Truck. I cried when he sold it. We both did. The last night, before the new owner came to get it, we both sat in our usual seats, cleaned out the truck, and sat there and shed a few tears together. We've had a lot of great father-daughter moments. No doubt about it, I am one of the luckiest girls in the world.

High school was a challenge of course. We had some rocky days. I wanted to be like the other kids. Go home with this one and that one, ride to town with whoever, go to the football games and run amock. But I was a teenager. And not a very smart one. So I didn't get to do those things. And looking back now, it wasn't so bad. When Junior Prom rolled around, my daddy rented a limo for me and my friends, paid about $400, and some people didn't even ride there and back. Dad didn't care. He did it for me. Just like always.

When college days rolled around, however, dad was on my side for the most part. He and mom constantly disagreed on where my boundaries should be and what I should be allowed to do. Mom is MUCH MORE protective and paranoid at times than the normal mom. She sometimes has a hard time accepting that her little girl is grown. But dad remembered what it was like to be 18, 19, 20, etc. He knew I needed to live my life, and he knew that I was gonna make a few mistakes but that I had to learn somehow. I wasn't a wild child but I had my share of stupidity. And stupid friends. I was a tomboy for sure. I had more guy friends than girls, which for some reason made mom feel better because she thought they would protect me if something happened. Go figure.

During that time too, Gran got sick, mom's mom. She spent A LOT of time in Cincinnati helping out and taking care of her, so me and dad spent a lot of time together. We'd take off for the day. Drive down to pigeon forge, or wherever the road took us. We would get lost, but it didn't matter because we didn't have a plan, didn't care where we ended up. We liked seeing new places. We hit the flea markets, or just wherever we could think to go. Blasting George Jones, Merle Haggard, and of course his all time favorite, Conway Twitty the whole way. Singing to the top of our lungs until we were hoarse, and looking for the next gas station to find a bathroom, a Diet Mountain Dew, and a candy bar. We were inseperable.

Dad was and is always trying to prepare me. For instance, when I decided me and some friends were going to go Pigeon Forge for the weekend, he made sure I was prepared. He drove me down there, making sure to point out all the turns, and the places I needed to beware of. He gave me all kinds of pointers and tips, just in case I hadn't been paying attention the last 20 years he'd been taking me already. When I went to Murfreesboro to school, same thing. Made sure he taught me all I needed to know about the area, again, just in case that I hadn't been paying attention during all that time we spent in Nashville.

And dad continues to prepare me for life. He has been guiding me for nearly 25 years now. Advising me against things I should or shouldn't do, what's a good idea and what isn't, what could be dangerous and what would be safe, everything he can think of to share from his 50+ years of living. And he has done the same with my brother, maybe more so since they share that whole being a male thing. Sometimes he takes it too far, but he is from the old school, however, so I understand. He just doesn't want anything to happen to his little girl. Yeah, I said his. Not that mom didn't have a whole lot to do with me turning out the way I am, but dad might just have had a little more in some ways. We've been closer than mom and I, and he has always understood me better and discounted for things. Mom tends to expect too much most of the time.

Even as recently as this weekend, (since I've been working on this blog for a couple weeks) I hit a deer and daddy came to the rescue. He didn't lecture me, he wasn't mad, he just hugged me and let me cry. He understood. He knew what I needed.

I only remember him whipping me twice in my life. There may have been a little love pats here and there, but I can remember the only two times he 'spanked' me, and yes, I sure as heck deserved both.  You know that song "Daddy's Hands" by Holly Dunn from back in the day? If not, it goes like this:

Daddy's hands, were soft and kind when I was crying.
Dadyy's hands, were hard as steal when I'd done wrong.
Daddy's hands weren't always gentle, but I've come to understand,
There was always Love in Daddy's hands.

It has really rung true over the year. Both times my daddy whipped me, it was with his hands, and it lasted for days it seemed like. It HURT. Bad. Which is why I remember. Not that mom's didn't, because believe me they did. But there is something much more significant about a daddy whipping his little girl.

But he does have that soft side. When I had my first big heartbreak a year or so ago, my daddy held me more than once while I cried for hours at a time. He was there for me, to help me, to understand, and to love me when I didn't feel like anyone else did.



Yep, that's my dad.  Lover of Country Music, Diet Mountain Dew, peanut butter, big trucks and equipment, Coal, the open road, politics -- Ronald Reagan especially, and family.  His stories are priceless. Whether it's about the 7 total wrecks he was in, the 1 motorcycle wreck he was in, hitchhiking to all parts of the country with his best friend when their cars would quit, working on strip jobs with his dad and brothers, drinking with whoever, making moonshine as a child, all of his childhood meanis and high school tales. I wish I could write it all down. I should have been keeping a log over the years. I never want to forget one story he tells.

And how could I write about my dad without sharing some of his wisdom? I couldn't. So here are a few of his most favorite phrases:

1.) You can't pack a dog to hunt a bear.
2.) Nobody misses the water til the well runs dry.
3.) Things you can't change, accept.
4.) Credit is a good thing to have, but a bad thing to use.
5.) There are three kinds of people -- those who see things happen, those who make things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
6.)  Everything is a trade-off. You trade this time for that time. There will never be enough time in life for you to do all the things you want to do in life, or feel like you should do. (My personal favorite).

Regardless of the disagreements or the fights he and I may have had, I don't know if there is another father out there who has went as far or done as much for his children as my dad has. We have never wanted for anything really, if we need it or have to have it especially, he finds a way. He has bought us vehicles, places to live, any toy or piece of electronic devices we have ever asked for, and I can't speak for my brother but he still gives me money whether I need it or not. It doesn't matter what it is, if he thinks we want it, or need it, he will take care of it. He paid for my tuition in college, what I didn't have scholarships for, took care of me financially when I couldn't work, never hestitated or complained about all the days he had to fight the snow and cold to work or get up super early to earn that money, before the wreck he was in anyway.

He was never reckless with money, he always reserved what he had for us and my mom, and of course his other family. I don't know if his brothers or sisters or aunts and uncles, even cousins, have ever asked him for anything that he didn't come through with. And I can think of at least 3 times in the last month that we were approached at restaurants and gas stations by strangers needing gas money or money for food, etc, when he didn't reach in his pocket and find something for them as well. As magistrate, he took care of his precinct to the best of his ability, and I'm sure the majority if them will tell you that.

My dad is truly one of a kind.

Let's face it, what other dad would take their daughter to a casino and sit side by side with her playing blackjack and slots? Probably not many, if any. But those are the kinds of random moments we enjoy sharing together. We're not like just any regular father and daughter. We're cool. As Cucumbers.


I am a better person, better daughter, better sister, better student, and a better friend and family member because of my dad and the lessons he has taught me. And hopefully, someday, a better parent. I hope that when that someday comes, dad is around to be just as great or better of a 'grandpa' as he was a 'pa'. But hopefully my kids won't get his big nose like I did :(.

And I'm not writing this, to brag about my dad to anybody. I have some great friends who have really crappy  dads or no dad at all. I know I am very fortunate not only to have a father, but to have one who has went above and beyond for his children the way he has. And for being like a father to many other people I know. I'm very proud of my father, the man that he is, and who he has taught me to be. I really do wish everybody could know a father like him.

So here's to you dad, for being the best dad I could ever hope or want to have, one certainly far better than I deserve. Thank you for always being there, for always taking care of me, loving me, keeping me safe, and preparing me as best you could for life. I love you, more than anything.

You are, and always will be, my hero.

Happy Father's Day, again.

Love,
Shoog  








And so, I end with one of his favorite Conway songs. I can't listen to it without crying, because I know the day will come when I have to give up my daddy. I dread it. I fear it. I'm terrified of it. But it will happen just the same. So, I will enjoy every minute with him that I can, until then. And pray that is a long, long time away.




That's My Job
By: Conway Twitty



I woke up crying late at night,
when I was very young.
I had dreamed my father,
had passed away and gone.

My world revolved around him,
I couldn't lie there anymore.
So I made my way down the mirrored hall,
and tapped upon his door.

And I said, "Daddy, I'm so afraid
how will I go on with you gone that way?
Don't wanna cry anymore,
so may I stay with you?"

And he said, "That's my job,
that's what I do.
Everything I do is because of you,
To keep you safe with me.
That's my job you see."

Later we barely got along,
this teenage boy and he.
Most of the fights it seems
were over different dreams,
we each held for me.

He wanted knowledge and learning.
I wanted to fly out west.
Said, "I could make it out there
if I just had the fare.
I got half, will you loan me the rest?"

And I said, "Daddy, I'm so afraid,
there's no guarantee in the plans
I've made, and if I should fail,
who will pay my way back home?"

And he said "That's my job,
that's what I do.
Everything I do is because of you
to keep you safe with me.
That's my job you see."

Every person carves his spot,
and fills the hole with light.
And I pray someday I might,
light as bright as he.

Woke up early one bright fall day,
to spread the tragic news.
After all my travel, I settled down,
within a mile or two.

I make my living with words and rhyme,
and all this tragedy,
Should go into my head, and out instead
as bits of poetry.

But I say, "Daddy, I'm so afraid,
how will I go on with you gone this way?
How can I come up with a song to say
I love you?"

That's my job, That's what I do
Everything I do is because of you,
to keep you safe with me.
That's my job you see.

Everything I do is because of you
to keep you safe with me. 


Sunday, June 3, 2012

After the Fire is Gone


"There's nothin' cold as ashes, after the fire is gone..."
                             -- Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty 

One year ago today on June 3rd, I awoke at 7 a.m. like normal to get ready for work. I dreaded it. The third of the month on a Friday, working the busiest branch we had, Hurts Creek. The first thing I did was check my phone, like I had every day for the past two weeks, hoping I’d have a message from my boyfriend. And I actually did, but it was on Facebook, and my phone wouldn’t let me read it. So I grabbed my laptop and couldn’t wait to see what he’d said.  

He was still my boyfriend until we officially ended it. We were just having a rough patch. We’d been apart for so long while I was in school and had some bad days, but I was home now. The past couple weeks we’d barely spoken, but I just knew before I read that message that he had thought about it and realized how we were meant to be together.

But that’s not what he’d done at all.

Instead, he had let me wake up to a broken heart. The very first thing I saw that morning was a message from him ending our nearly 3 year relationship. It was the most devastating day of my life. When I read that message, I literally felt my heart breaking into a million pieces, and I screamed in agony. It was a loud enough scream to wake my parents, who thought I was being murdered I imagine. At least until they came running into my room where they found me in front of the computer, crying so hard I couldn’t breathe.

I don’t have to tell you their reaction if you know them, although it would make this story a little more humorous.

I couldn’t go to work that day, I had to call in, for only the second time in 3 years. I literally lay in bed all day. I just cried, continuously, until my eyes were swollen and hurting. I don’t think I even showered. I hope I did, but that’s something I just don’t remember. I do remember not eating all day except picking at the turtle bowl sundae Tracy brought me when she came to check on me and give me her best pep talk. It was a very nice gesture, but at the time, a useless one. I was going through my first heartbreak, probably about 7 or 8 years behind everyone else, which is why it hit me so hard, like a ton of bricks.

The days that followed were just as miserable – sleepless nights, no appetite, weight loss, depression, anxiety, etc. It took me about 2 good months to not be miserable. By the time the day of what would have been our anniversary rolled around, I was pretty much OK. But that first month was rough. I ain’t gonna lie – it hurt. It hurt real bad.

But here’s the good news…

Today, a year later, I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I am stronger, more intelligent, more myself, and most of all, worth more to the next lucky man in my life.  I have lived more in the last year than I ever have, and enjoyed every second. I have discovered more about myself, who I am, and what I want out of life more than I ever thought possible.

This summer I will enjoy life even more. In August, I will start an entirely new journey with law school. I will continue to be my own person – a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman – and a role model for all women. Be who you are, be yourself, work hard, enjoy life, and never have to depend on anybody but yourself. Because really, that’s all you can depend on in life. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have so many AMAZING friends, more than what should be allowed, and some really AWESOME family, too. I couldn’t make it without them. I had them all along and it took a crisis in my life to discover how lucky and blessed I was and how I had taken so many people for granted.  But no more of that, my friends and family will ALWAYS come first in my life. Always.

Now, I could sit here and deliver at least 1,000 different inspirational quotes. But here is what you need to know. A very wise person once told me that happiness comes from within, and they were right. Until you are happy with yourself, nobody else can make you happy. And even then, they can only add to your happiness. With that said, nobody can be completely happy with themselves, I’m not, and don’t expect to be. That’s like trying to be perfect, no one is. I still have a few pounds to lose, some muscle to build, learning how to control my temper and I’m sure if I think about it there are some other imperfections I’d like to change.

The trick is to find things about yourself you like, things that make you happy about who you are. I may not be a supermodel, but I’m by no means the worst looking girl around. I’m not fake; what you see is what you get. I’m the same with everybody everywhere I go. I’m a people person. I love kids. I’m smart. I can be funny.  I go out of my way to help people. I love me, I have no reason not to, plain and simple.

Now, don’t take that the wrong way. In no way am I trying to sound self-centered or conceited. If you know me, you know that I can be pretty down on myself, mostly because I’ve always had low self-esteem. But there comes a time in your life where you have to ‘get busy living or get busy dying’ as Morgan Freeman said in Shawshank Redemption.  That point for me came about two months after my heartbreak. It’s taken a year for me to really love myself and be happy with myself, but buddy I’m there, and it’s great.

I live my life in a way that pleases me, and no one else, although I do like making others happy and go out of my way to do so sometimes. I answer to no one, I do what I want, whatever makes me happy, and it’s only gonna get better. I’m making sure of that. The past year has brought a lot of ups and downs, sickness and death, etc to my life. Those things have also impacted me and my outlook on life, but mostly it was being at the low point that I was at a year ago.

Looking back, the heartbreak I went through was the best thing that ever happened to me. Honestly. I have always heard those old clichés like ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ and ‘time heals all wounds’ but they never rang true until then. I can truthfully say that today I am stronger, happier, and better off than I was a year ago. I hope my ex is all those things, too. Some things just aren’t meant to be.

But then again, some things are, and what is meant to be will happen regardless. I know I have a great life ahead. The reason I know, is because I will make it great, one way or another. We only get one life; we have to make it count. Don’t spend it miserable. Love yourself first, and everything else will fall into place.