As much as I loathe Taylor Swift in every form and fashion,
I kinda had to steal that title from her. I know it’s actually 22, but I ain’t
felt 22 since I was about 12. Right now I have the back of a 62 year old, I
don’t sleep, and I tend to eat Ibuprofen and melatonin like candy. Life can be
a pain in the ass.
If you look in my high school yearbook, or one of those
Jostens Scrapbook things from Senior year (Yes, I’m that Old…), I’m pretty sure
there is a section about what you’ll be doing 5 years from now and 10 years
from now, and so on. I distinctly remember that where I am now was not part of that plan. I think I had
planned to have a home and a family and be stable in my career by 25.
Let’s all laugh together.
When I was 25, I was just starting law school. I had taken a
while to decide what I wanted to do with my life. And truthfully, my life has
always been a bit of a sideways endeavor. By that I mean, it’s never played out
like I thought or hoped it would at the time. When I was in law school, I
never, ever, ever planned on doing work for the DPA. Yet, here I am, in all my
glory, a public defender. I guess the old adage about “If you wanna hear God
laugh, just make a plan,” is true after all. Where I am is not at all where I
thought I’d be.
I thought by this age, I’d have a couple kids, a steady
career, and a husband who adores me. Turns out, I’m divorced, men tend to run
from me, my career may be steady, but it rocks like a boat in a hurricane most
days, and I have no children, the one thing I wanted most in the world.
Instead, I am the proud mother of a German Shepherd and a Basset Hound. Both of
which are moody, clumsy, and full of personality – just like me. They keep me entertained so I guess that’s
enough right now. But who knows what the future has in store. Only God knows
that.
Anywho, I thought that I would celebrate my big 3-2 by looking
back on my 32 years. I mean, it’s not that spectacular. I lead a pretty boring
life, but I’d like to think that I’ve accomplished a few things worth talking
about.
Maybe, maybe not. You can be the judge of that.
When I turned 30, I was in a completely different place in
life. I had a husband, I was days away from finding out that I had passed the
bar exam with a new career ahead. I had a beautiful home (which took YEARS to
finish, and I still wasn’t done) that I had picked out and remodeled every inch
of, perfecting every tiny thing to suit my taste. I had great friends, I had a
great family, and it looked like the future was getting brighter by the day.
But, I knew something was missing. From the outside looking in, you’d never
seen two happier people. But, I knew I wasn’t happy. I was going through the
motions. I was forcing something that would never be right. I was putting on a
face. Which, sadly, I had become talented at doing.
Frank and I were two different people. We had few to no
common interests. We liked movies, and we liked to eat. It was a constant
battle to find a compromise, which usually ended with one of us just going
along for the other and forcing happiness. Neither wanted to admit it, but we
made a mistake. We let the fan club and the need to be with somebody overshadow
what we really needed – to be with someone who understood the other and
accepted that person for who they were, without the constant need to try to
change them – which had essentially been what we had become.
Sometimes, things just aren’t meant to be. And it wasn’t
fair to continue lying to myself anymore. I’d been unhappy for a while and it was
time to just be the people we were, without judgment, ridicule, or fighting to
be different.
The problem with that for me, unfortunately, was I didn’t
know who the hell I was.
Go figure.
For 30 years, I had been a puppet. Anybody could be the
master – if you had a task for me, I aimed to please.
I. Never. Said. No.
Work shifts, volunteer boards, community events, bridal
showers, weddings, baby showers, concerts, fundraisers, etc. – whatever you
needed from me, whoever or whatever you needed me to be – I was on board. If
you needed me to make 6 casseroles by tomorrow morning, I was your girl. If you
needed me to work your shift – I got you. If you needed me to plan your party
and spend a fortune even though you didn’t even show up and I lost a fortune –
it was cool, no worries. As my dad would (not so) lovingly say, I rode every
bus that stopped. And I needed that acceptance. I needed to be needed. I had
conditioned myself to be what was needed, what was loved, what was celebrated.
I worried about my reputation. I worried about everything. I was that person
who constantly asked myself “what would people think?’ or “what would people
say?” I was paranoid that if I said ‘no’ that Heaven forbid, nobody would love
me anymore. I was becoming exhausted, and way too old before my time.
Now, having said that, I will tell you that I still ask
those questions, and I still worry. But, I worry a lot less. And do you know
why? Because I am comfortable with who I am. For the first time in my life, I
know exactly who I am.
Who am I? I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED THAT. Let me continue.
When I was in law school, I really should have done less coming
home and more studying. Instead, I put the people I loved, the people who were
important to me, before myself. I didn’t do as well as I could have because I
kept up that idea that I had to say Yes. I had to be there for everything
and everyone. I couldn’t live with myself if I thought I disappointed someone. I
traveled home between final exams for funerals. I would fill every weekend with
birthday parties or weddings or community and church events and I never slowed
down.
By the second year, it was catching up with me. I had to
have an emergency appendectomy. I took about 4 days of recovery time. I was
back to school on Monday. By the third year, my gallbladder was on its last
legs and less than a month before my law school graduation, I had to have
surgery to remove it as well. Yet, I never really quit. That is one thing I
have never known how to do – give up, on anything or anyone. People almost
always end up giving up on me before I give up on them.
So fast forward two years after graduation, when I finally
pass not one, but two, bar exams, and finally feel like I’ve accomplished
something with my life, shortly after, I began to feel like a complete failure.
There I was, doing the one thing I said I’d never
do – getting divorced. I was gonna be a “one and done” kinda gal. Yet, again, I
say, “if you wanna hear God laugh, just make a plan.” I was shunned by people I
thought loved me. Whom I thought would support me and be there and be my friend
no matter what. In times of trials and trouble, you learn who your friends are.
I had to pick myself up for the most part. My own mother didn’t even support
me. That was one of the toughest times of my life, and I became a stronger
person because of it. This is where I started learning who I was.
First and foremost, I learned that sometimes, you have to
put yourself first. You have to do what you feel is best for you, and what
makes you happy, because life is too short and happiness is too rare. For the
first time in my life, I did something completely for me, no one else. I needed
to figure out who I was, what I liked, what I wanted out of life, without trying to please someone else, or 20
other people for that matter.
In order to do this, I had to find some solitude. I had to
find some place to go that was mine. I bought a little camper on Norris Lake
and didn’t tell anybody. I would escape there on the weekends and disappear,
just hoping for a bit of relief. Somewhere I could be at peace, because peace
was something I had been missing in my life. I realized I had spent so much
time pleasing other people, doing what I was told, or what I thought would make
someone else happy, that I had completely lost focus on what made me happy. I ended up becoming part of a
family there on the lake, spending time with people who liked me for who I was,
even though I was still figuring that out. Even something as simple as figuring
out if I liked the lake and the water – I figured out that I loved it. I found
this whole other life and this whole group of people that helped put my broken
pieces back together, and for that I will forever be grateful.
Here is something else I learned about myself – I like
tattoos. No, I LOVE them. I have 8 now. In just over a year, I have accumulated
all 8. And… I have a list of at least 5 more (Sorry Mother and Aunt Robin, but I
know you still love me!) Do you know why I love them? Because I can tell a
story with them. I can live out my journey with them. I can remind myself every
day what I’ve been through and how strong I am, just in case I forget. One of
my most favorites is my largest tattoo, a phoenix, with the words “still I
rise.” I’m a huge fan of this story, the myth that the Phoenix rises from the
ashes more beautiful than before. I identify with this so much because I have
risen from the ashes. I have walked through the fire to be what I am now. I
have sacrificed bits of my soul to be the person I am today. And I am so proud of me.
Something else I learned about me – I like the taste of
beer. And I like bars. And that doesn’t make me a bad person. I like Pat’s
Snack Bar. I like to support my friends when
they play music. I like to have a beer on a hot day at the lake while I’m
floating around. I also like Bourbon – as any true Kentuckian – and this also
doesn’t make me a bad person. It means I like the taste of something. It means
I get enjoyment from atmosphere and from social drinking. I am not a drunkard,
I am not an alcoholic, and I am not addicted to anything. Except maybe Diet
Mountain Dew and Bang Energy drinks, but that’s another story.
Here is the most important thing I learned – I don’t have to
change who I am to please anyone. The right people will love who I am,
regardless. I am a great person, but am I going to take the time to explain
why, or try to prove that to anyone? No. If you know me, then you know my
character, you know who I am, and hopefully, you know my worth. If you know me,
and you don’t know any of those things, then that’s not my problem. If you
don’t know me, and you judge me based on the opinions or gossip of others, then
that is also not my problem. But the people who know me, they know who I am,
they know what I bring to the table, and they love me for it.
There’s a random meme on Facebook that says something like
“someone who has known you 3 months can have better intentions for you than
someone you’ve known 3 years.” That’s the truth. You know who I spend most of
my time with Monday through Friday? People in my office and some of the staff
and the staff in court security at the Perry County courthouse. They have known
me at best a year, some less than 5 months. But you know what, they are my
family. They know who I am. They do their best to love me and to protect me and
pick me up when I’m down. And I have no doubts that any of them would help me
if I needed it. They already do. They feed me, make me laugh, and they cheer me
up when I have tears in my eyes. They leave notes on my car or hide notes in my
dockets. That’s the best I can expect from anyone, to want what’s best for me
and to help me through my bad days without expecting anything in return. And for that, I am both blessed and grateful.
I still haven’t really got to who I am, which I have figured
out over the past couple years. But let me tell you, I am something else. Besides
being an awesome person with a huge heart that does anything and everything I
can to be loyal to and take care of the people important to me (and even those
not so important to me):
I. Am. A. Hot. Southern. Mess.
And I’m not talking about my looks. Nope. I am talking about
my glowing personality, my quirks, the things that make me tick. I forget to
eat. I forget to breathe sometimes. I’m late every day of my life.
Every. Single. Day.
For anything. Everything. I am literally never on time.
People who know me know this about me and they adjust accordingly. I thought it
was a phase but, no, this is apparently just who I am as a person. But the
weird thing is, even though I am late and scatterbrained, I am actually well
organized. I like things in its place. Well, everywhere except my car. I live
out of my car and it looks most of the time like I haul a bunch of toddlers
around, but I don’t, it’s just me and all my messed up glory.
Also, I dry my hair with my car heater. If its summer, I
just don’t dry it. That’s how little I care. Can I? No, because I’m usually
late. But if its winter, hell yeah, drying my hair, putting my makeup on in my
car. Whatevs. This is me, take me or leave me. You know what else, half the
time I don’t wear makeup. Again, this is how little I care. I just don’t. If
you don’t like me without it, why would you like me with it? Do I enjoy
dressing up and putting on nice clothes and makeup and looking like an actual
human being and not a homeless person? YES! I DO. When I have time. Do I have a
lot of that to throw around? Generally, no. We’ve went over that.
You know what else, my clothing style is about as effed up
as it can get. I don’t follow trends. I barely follow a pattern of any kind. I
like Lilly Pulitzer. I have a closet full. It’s bright and fun and you know
what else? THAT SHIT IS EXPENSIVE. I also have a closet full of flannel. I LOVE
FLANNEL. Gimme flannel and jeans and boots and a good pocketknife, and I am the
happiest person on earth. I feel like an accomplished human. Is that how I
dress for court? No. I gotta try to look like a lady. I can pull it off, but it
ain’t really my fave. You know what though, I ain’t really a lady, and when I
open my mouth, that’s pretty clear. I do love dresses. Weird, I know. But
that’s me, the weirdo. And proud of it. You know why? Because I know there is literally not another person on this
earth like me.
When I say I ain’ t a lady, I’m like a Miranda Lambert song
– and let’s face it, she’s my idol – comfortable in her own skin, proud of who
she is, not fat but not a stick, unapologetically herself, and that is who I strive
to be. In her song “Only Prettier” she says, “I got a mouth like a sailor and
yours is more like a Hallmark card.” It’s me, I am the sailor, at times anyway.
Do I watch my wording around people? Yes, because I am a respectful adult who
appreciates and respects others. I adjust accordingly to my company because
that’s polite, and I try to always be polite. But if you are what I would call
good company, you’re not surprised at my shortcomings with language (looking at
you, psych court peeps).
And, Yes, I did
mention a pocketknife earlier. I almost always pack a pocketknife. You never
know when you gonna have to shank somebody. You just don’t. And the people who
know me and travel with me always make me giggle because if we’re going to a
concert and we get about halfway to the door they will say, “did you remember
to leave your knife?!” Most of the time, I do, in fact, remember. But if you
didn’t know that about me, well, surprise.
You know what else I love? Driving. I love nothing better
than to roll my windows down, throw my sunroof back, crank the tunes and drive,
as long as my legs (and my bladder) can stand it. I literally don’t care. I
have always loved driving. I love being on the road. Day, night, whenever. I
feel at home on the road. I guess I take that after my dad, like most other
things.
I like to talk. I don’t care, I will talk to anyone. I like
to make people laugh. I like to cheer people up. I like to be nice to the fast
food window worker or the Wal-Mart greeter; I just like to be friendly. Unless
you’re not friendly, and then, I don’t really care. But for the most part, I
will talk to random strangers like I’ve known them my whole life. I’m weird. I
get it. I don’t care.
I am one of the most spontaneous people you will meet. If
you called me right now and said, “Hey, lets drive to Destin, I wanna see the
ocean!” I’d be like “yeah I’ma need about 20 minutes to get ready and we gotta
drop my dogs off with Grandpa Dan on the way.” If you called me and said, “OMG
ZZ TOP IS PLAYING IN TWO HOURS IN KNOXVILLE” I would be out the door and in my
car before you told me where in Knoxville they were playing and if we could
even get tickets. I mean, times’ a wastin’. If you called and said “YO! We
gonna fly to Denver next week to see the snow,” I’d start looking for flights.
Because I’m a firm believer that spontaneity is one of the best ways to live.
And I live by that rule more than you know. It’s some of the best memories you
can create, ever.
Fun facts about me: I love cowboy boots. And stars. And
music. And concerts. And festival foods. Cigars (yes, I will smoke a cigar,
don’t judge me). And sunsets. And sunrises, especially on the beach. I like to
travel. I like to cross things off my bucket list. I break out into song and
dance quite often, and the majority of the time, I don’t even know I’m doing
it. Just absent mindedly I hear a beat and I start dancing – it don’t matter if
it’s the grocery store or Wal-Mart or the Pilot station while I’m looking at
candy bars and gummy worms. That is just who I am as a person.
I really just like to feel…alive. And like I’m living.
Everybody gets so caught up in working and life and stress and problems and
pain and grudges – JUST. BE. GRATEFUL. You’re alive. You’re breathing.
You have things other people would kill to have.
Life isn’t perfect. People will hurt you. People will leave
you. Sometimes they apologize, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they come back,
other times, they won’t. People will lie to you, they will use you, and they
will take advantage of a broken heart that still tries to be a good heart and
love to the fullest. You get sick. You lose loved ones. You lose friends. You
lose yourself. Life is a series of unfortunate events, but it is also beautiful.
It. Is. Precious.
A few weeks ago, a person I considered a friend, a person I
knew, died unexpectedly in a car accident. (Side note – his father is the
reason I pack a pocketknife. In his words, “every girl oughtta pack a pocketknife.”).
He left behind a young son, a mom, a dad, a brother, and a host of other family
members and friends that loved him. He was a good man. A good police officer. A
good father. A good friend. A good life,
that was taken too soon. Our days are not guaranteed. His death has weighed on
me every day since he left this world.
Now. If I died tomorrow, I would leave nothing behind. No
children, no legacy, no fortune, no famous accomplishment that the world would
mourn for. My goal, however, is to live
a life that people will remember me for, outside of those things. I may never
have children, even though I would love to be a mother. I may never be so good
at my job that I help set precedents, and it’s likely that I won’t. I may never
hold a political office that does great works, and it’s very probable that I
won’t. But if I am remembered for anything,
I hope it’s that I was kind. That I
loved people. That I had a great personality. That I helped people. That I made
someone’s life better, or easier, or someone had a better day because of me. That
I loved hard, harder than most, and that got the people I loved through bad
days. My motto is, and has always been, to live the way you want to be
remembered. I hope that’s true for me.
In addition to the unexpected loss of a friend, I lost a
very important person in my life this year – Jr., my best friends dad. He was a
character. He treated me like his own. He was sarcastic, and full of spunk and
personality, and I treasured every minute I spent getting to know and love him.
He left behind quite a legacy, and quite a family, some of the most important
people in my life, and I am forever grateful for the lesson that I learned from
him – Never. Give. Up. Fight until you can no longer fight. He knew who he was,
what he was capable of, and he never lost sight of that. I want to be more like
him. I’m so glad he got to see Killian before he passed. Killian is my nephew,
my best friends’ son who was born in May, and has brought me so much joy. I
never knew how full my heart could be until holding him. There is a lot of back
story about that statement, but suffice it to say, he’s just real important.
And if nothing else, it was a good year because he was born.
All in all, I’m pretty proud of my 32 years. I’ve made
mistakes. I’ve tried to learn from them. I’ve said the wrong thing. I’ve pushed
people away. I’ve needed too much. I’ve not needed enough. I have worried my
friends. I have worried my family. I have made bad decisions. I’ve also made
good ones. I have failed at things, and I have worked so hard to correct those
failures and succeed – even with everyone telling me how hard it was. I have
let people walk on me, and I have walked on people. I have not lived the
perfect, most religious way. But I’m trying. I’m trying to learn to depend on
God, to pray more, to be the person He knows I can be and is building me to
become. I’m trying to just… live.
My goal for the next year is to just continue to live. Be
who I am, and live unapologetically for being that person. I’m going to travel
when I can, and maybe cross a few more things off the bucket list (pretty sure
I’m gonna go to Vegas and see Aerosmith, just saying). I’m going to be the best
person I can be, and help others be the best people they can be. Keep learning.
Keep growing. Keep searching for answers in God and allowing His blessings to
find me. Stop worrying about the people who don’t like me, who don’t value me,
who have left me behind. Start worrying about me, because I value me. I know who I am. I know that being alone is better than
being with someone who doesn’t accept who you are, and who doesn’t love the
crazy things about you that you love about yourself, and doesn’t appreciate or
respect who you are. I have lived through those things, multiple times. Right
now, my life is about learning to trust God and HIS plan, not mine. Because I know His will be far greater than
mine would have been.
So where am I after the last couple years of self discovery and 32 years of living and learning? I am standing on my own two feet. For the first time in my life. I don't need anyone. I got my job on my own. I represent my clients mostly on my own, with the occasional help from my awesome work family. I do a good job. I work hard. I have my own home. I pay my own bills. I am out of debt for the most part. I have two happy, healthy, beautiful four-legged girls that love me unconditionally. I have an array of friends, but I have a small circle. I have friends who are family. I have a wonderful family. I am blessed so much more than I deserve. This life has humbled me, yet strengthened me. I know who I can trust. I know who I can't. I know who talks about me behind my back, who starts rumors, and who tries to dull my shine. I smile at them, too. I live my life for me. I get my tattoos for me. I am a work in progress when it comes to losing weight and eating healthy, but I have lost 25 pounds (give or take) this year and I have kept it off. Do I still have goals? Of course. Everyone should have goals. Everyone should keep setting goals and crushing them, but for you, no one else. I don't try to impress anybody. I just do me. I'm loud, my laugh carries, but I don't care. God gave it to me for a reason. If you don't like me, if you have problems with me, that's for you to sort through. My life is mine. I have worked my ass off to get where I am, I have earned where I am. Am I a size 2? nah. Do I care? nah. Will I ever be? hellllllllll to the nah. But I know my worth. I know my heart. I know who I am. And for the most part, I love myself, more than I ever have, and that love will only grow stronger. Of that, I am sure. I'm still a work in progress, with most things, and I know there is always room for improvement, so as long as I love me and I don't forget what I'm capable of, as long as I keep grinding, I will never stop growing and being better. That's one of the beautiful things about this life.
My best advice after the life I've lived in 32 years – just be yourself and live
your story. Be the person no one thought you could be, not even you. Don’t be ashamed of who
you are, be proud, be bold. Don't be afraid to act silly. Laugh often. Laughter can cure so many of life's problems. Don't apologize for who you are, where you came from, or where you're going. Wear red even though your mother hates it, because you like it and it's your color. Get the tattoo. Buy the shoes. Book the trip. BE KIND. Always. Don't hold grudges. Forgive, and allow yourself to be forgiven. Life is so short, and everyday could be the day you lose someone. The day you see them for the last time. Don't leave things unsaid. Tell people you love them. Tell people what they mean to you. Love hard, even though it hurts sometimes. Be an
example. Be a light to whomever you can, whenever you can. If you have
children, be thankful for them, not all of us are blessed, not yet, anyway.
Never back down, never give up, and never
let fear keep you from loving someone, or being loved, or reaching your goals.
Follow your own path. And if you need a good pep talk, I’m always here.
Deuces.
