While there are a lot of things I should be doing right now
(as always), I’m not (as always). Instead
of working on the 20 page research paper that I haven’t started on, the legal
research assignments I got handed last night (that are also taunting me from my
sticky note on my Macbook screen), Con law reading, Entertainment law assignments,
judicial opinion, etc…, I am writing this.
Technically, I should have been working on it for the better
part of the day considering I don’t have class on Wednesdays. But, cleaning out my closets and exchanging
winter clothes for spring and summer attire are much more rewarding. I can see sunshine through my windows and it
ex I’m almost ready to turn the
air conditioner on. Almost.
cites me.
You’re probably wondering why that I am writing this. If you are a follower of my blog then you know
that most are written because something triggers them, and it ignites something
within me so much so that I need to share. This one is no different. In fact, if it were this easy to write that 20
page research paper, it would already be done. When I write these blogs they are almost a
cleansing process. Most times I don’t even have to stop and think about what I
want to say; my fingers hit the keys, begin typing, and there are usually no
breaks. The words flow from my brain to
my fingers and onto the screen for you to take in. I started to just make this a Facebook status
but once I started writing, it was clear it was much too long for that.
So onto the subject for this one: my breaking point. Yes, breaking point.
Until yesterday I don’t think I even knew I had one, nor
that it was possible for me to reach. But
there it was. Pent up anger, sorrow,
aggravation, sadness, and much more, all coming together for one inner eruption
of a massive volcano that has been forming in me for at least 10 years.
At. Least.
Recent experiences, and some dating back to the past couple
years, have triggered something in me that I can’t even begin to fathom, or
explain, other than selfishness. Yes, I
said it, selfishness. I don’t like the sound of it either, but let me
explain where this is coming from before the critical thoughts form in your
mind.
Yesterday, after some much needed tough love and a full day
of thinking, I started to piece together my puzzle. This morning it was like an epiphany. I have spent my entire life surrounding myself
with people who needed help – from bad boy flames to needy and selfish friends.
Some with addiction or drinking
problems, some who just don’t care about anybody but themselves, or both of
those combined. People I thought I could
save, and change, for the better. Most
of these relationships I have now severed in some way, or at least limited,
realizing that they weren’t good for me.
I have spent the majority of my life being the doormat that others walk
on. The ear on the other end of the
phone that was always there to understand and listen to the repeated mistakes
that someone just wanted to feel better about, even though I had spent every
waking minute trying to help keep those people from making those mistakes. Countless hour of advice and predictions
better than Miss Cleo could call.
All. For. Nothing. Just wasting my breath to hear the sound
of my own voice.
We all have those friends (and family, too). The ones who never listen, but want to
criticize you for something so they don’t feel bad. The ones who don’t want to be criticized for
making the same mistakes, repeatedly, but feel the need to criticize you even
more. The friends that don’t want to
accept responsibility for making bad choices, for hurting people, for using
them, and who feel as though the world owes them a living, and everything
should go their way. The ones who don’t
take anything as seriously as they should, and are surprised when the outcome
is not as they had expected. The friends
you spend your whole life trying to help, but who are probably never going to
change. It’s hard to let go, much harder
to let go than to watch people you care about self-destruct, but sometimes it
has to be done. Sometimes you have to
let go, before they drag you down with them.
Sometimes, you have to save yourself.
In essence, I have wasted half my life trying to help people
who do not want to be helped, and who aren’t going to help themselves, but who
are going to expect me to remain the loyal friend and be there to pick up the
pieces every time they fall. And maybe
that’s what I am supposed to do, but I literally cannot do it anymore. Both my
stress level and my blood pressure are through the roof. I have been sacrificing my health, my sanity,
and more importantly my success in school to help those who do not want my help
and who do not appreciate what help I have given. I have taken care of all of them, but not
myself. I have done everything I can
possibly do, so from here on out, all I can do is pray.
Thus, I have reached my breaking point.
Negativity breeds negativity. It isn’t healthy. You cannot
let others’ emotions and behavior affect the good things in your life. And I’m no longer going to.
For example, if you spend your life on Facebook everyday complaining
about the smallest things in life that shouldn’t matter, especially when others
are suffering and you have nothing to complain about, and squander
opportunities that the Lord has been gracious enough to give you, then I don’t
have time for you. If you refuse to
listen to anyone, to accept that you have made mistakes, that you need to
change things in your life and make those changes and start helping yourself,
then I can’t help you.
Yes, I am a Christian. I pray for others and I do as much as
I can for pretty much anybody that asks me and most of you can attest, and know
I will continue to do so because the majority does not fall into this category
I have just described. But as dad would
say, you can ride a good mule to death. This mule has been rode enough. Part of being a Christian is listening to God
when it becomes clear he is sending you a message.
I’m not saying this directed toward anybody, as I said the
relationships I am referring to have been dealt with in the best way that I
know, and in the easiest and least painful way on everyone. I am praying that the people in my life over
the years, the ones I’ve had to let go for the most part, can find what they need
in God and in themselves. But
unfortunately, I can’t be it anymore.
I have put so many who did not deserve it before myself and
before my family for so long. So when I
say I’m going to be selfish, I mean it. I
have a semester to finish to the best of my ability, and a degree to earn. I have a wedding to plan. I have a house, a career, and a life to build.
I think it’s time I spent a little time
on me, and give time and effort to those around me who really love me and do
need my help. Those who don’t expect anything but love me just the same. Those I’ve neglected over the years, without
meaning to. I just wish some of them were
still around to make it up to, like my Granny and my Uncle Henderson.
My dad has always said, things you can’t change, accept.
I accept that I’ve done a lot of good in my life and Lord willing will
do a lot more in the future, to the best of my ability, but its time to move on
and stop letting myself get sucked into bad situations that are only going to
make my life harder and cause me much grief. I am praying for those who need guidance, and
I pray the Lord will give me some as well.
Also, I saw that two of my Aunts shared this verse on Facebook today,
and thought it was appropriate to pass along with this post.
<3 Jess
