Don't Worry, Be Happy

Everybody starts out in this world the same way, naked and cold. Some of us have it better than others at birth, however. Some of us go home to loving parents, some aren’t so lucky. Some go home to a wealthy family, some aren’t as fortunate. Either way, we all begin the same – helpless. We learn to talk, to walk, to feed and clothe ourselves, what’s right, what’s wrong, and eventually, how to survive on our own. We are constantly learning things, continuously taking in bits and pieces of knowledge that form some sort of thought process in our minds. We learn how to adapt to new surroundings, how to provide for ourselves and whomever else we must provide for. And at some point, if we are lucky, we start the cycle over again. We have our own children, who must learn everything anew, just as we have. Some things, however, can’t be learned in a day, a week, a month, a year, even ten years. Some things we must continually learn, even up until we take our last breath. And some things, we never really understand. All we can do is accept them.

The sad thing about life, is that it ends. Saturday, I lost my Great Uncle Oaf Lee. He was an odd character, somebody you dreaded seeing coming at times because of his outlandish tales and thoughts, but somebody you could always count on. If he loved you, he would do anything for you, and even if he didn’t love you, or even like you, he’d still help you if he could. He came from the old school. He was born poor and did his best to not die that way. He lived for his children, his brothers and sisters, and his nieces and nephews. He thought there was nothing like a Toyota truck, and a fine cup of coffee. He told me how the best cup of coffee was made once, and now I’m sad that I can’t remember.  He called me, “the old lady from Muncy’s Creek” my entire life. I hated that nickname. I thought it was the most annoying thing I’d ever been called. Until Saturday, when I realized I’d never hear him call me that again. And I realized, he was somebody else I’d taken for granted. He was somebody else I didn’t appreciate until it was too late. And I asked myself why do I do that? Why do I always let people I love slip away from me when I could be doing more and enjoying them more and making better use of the time I have with them while they are here. This time, I'm going to try and learn from that mistake. But for now, rest in peace Uncle Oaf.  I love you, and I will miss you.

After he passed Saturday, I went on a trip with my dad and my brother through West Liberty. Traffic was moving slow as it was mostly onlookers surveying the damage from their cars. All I could do was cry. On top of losing somebody else I loved, I witnessed the aftermath of the death of an entire town. How awful it was to see what was left and how everything had been taken from those people. An old lady was sweeping off her porch routinely, even though the tree in her front yard had been uprooted and thrown across her sidewalk, the windows of her home had been boarded up, and part of her roof was missing. She seemed to be searching for the one piece of normalcy she could find.  The Mason Lodge building was roofless, what was left caved in as we drove by. Part of the First Baptist Church was gone, and so many other buildings I noticed. Although some escaped with minor damage that was barely even noticeable, for the most part, the buildings were either gone, or would have to be torn down. The people around were working like little bees to repair what they could. My heart ached for them. I couldn’t imagine being there and living through that. What it must have felt like not knowing whether you would live through it. Whether you’d attended your last Sunday Service, whether you’d seen your family for the last time. 

This made me think about my own life. I got my LSAT scores back again, and they sucked, AGAIN. The first time I got a 143. I needed at LEAST a 150 to get into UK, but more than that I imagine. The second time, even though I was well prepared, I dealt with so much that I was unable to bounce back from the stresses I was under and only pulled a 142. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I couldn’t even post it on Facebook until a week had passed. But looking at those people, who had survived a natural disaster, I felt pretty bad for whining about my LSAT score. What I had went through that morning was NOTHING compared to what these people had went through. Some lost their homes, some lost their family, and some lost their lives. And I thought about how lucky I was, to have a job, a family, and friends. Why am I in such a hurry? What good is it going to do me? I have never made a good decision in a hurry. Now, granted, I have made spontaneous decisions that turned out good, which I will argue is different than a decision made in a hurry. But when I get in a hurry, nothing ever turns out like I plan, or want it to.

The last few weeks I’ve been re-evaluating my life, trying to figure out what will make me happy and what’s important to me. So far I’ve decided that life is too short to put important things off, like Church. I’ve been going, trying to gain a better understanding of something that I’ve always avoided. I guess that started when Billy’s dad got sick. I realized that it could just have easily been my dad, and I needed to start living better, not just for myself, but for those around me. Life has been throwing curves for a lot of people I love lately. Not just my great uncle, nor Billy’s dad and family, but my boss and one of the sweetest people to ever walk the earth, Marie Garrison, is also suffering hardships health wise.  It seems that every time I turn around, something is happening. I’m losing somebody, somebody is sick, or something bad is happening to somebody I care about or in the World in general. But, I’ve come to realize, that it isn’t new. It’s been happening my whole life, and I’m just now noticing it. 

I don’t know that I will be make it to be a lawyer. Writing seems to be one of the few things I really love, and something that has always been a huge part of my life. I wonder sometimes if I’m just pursuing the safe route going towards law, a profession with somewhat of a guarantee, as opposed to what would make me happy, and what I would call the road less traveled. I don’t know anything for certain anymore, except that there is no certainty.  I could walk out of my house tomorrow and not live to walk back in. In life there really are no guarantees. When you’re 16 and you know it all and you’re in the “let’s have a good time” mode, you don’t stop to think of the consequences. When you’re 21, you’re old enough to know better, but still too young to care. I just turned 24, and realized that life was happening all around me and I was completely oblivious. There are things in my life that I want to accomplish, and there are things I want to experience that I haven’t yet, like seeing the beach and Savanna, GA.  I’d like to take a road trip to California, see Maine in the fall, go on a cruise, get married and have a family.  However, the most important thing in my life that I want to accomplish, is happiness. I want to be happy with myself, inside and out.  I want to like who I am and be satisfied that I lived the way I wanted to live. If I don’t make it as a lawyer and I end up working at the bank forever, as long as I am happy with my life, it won’t matter to me.  If I never have a million dollars in the bank and I live from paycheck to paycheck forever, then so be it, as long as I am happy. Life is too short to be unhappy and miserable. I have been dissatisfied with myself for far too long. So, I’m going to work on me, and fix what I don’t like, before I start on a career. After all, you have to crawl before you can walk, correct? I’m going to enjoy life, enjoy those I love, and be happy. I’m going to look for the happy in every situation and take the bad as it comes. 

One of the things that makes me the happiest is spending time at Heather and Billy’s and playing with Gage and Holden. I love kids, and those two I am particularly attached to.  When Holden says “Jessco,” because he can’t say my name, I want to squeeze his little face. And when Gage gives me a big hug and a kiss and tells me he loves me, I want to cry. Holden will climb over me 100 times and pull my hair and laugh and cuddle up under my arm on the couch to watch TV. Gage will show me how high he can jump and all his cool toys.  I watch them with Heather and Billy, and I want that. Someday, I want to be a mom. I want to kiss away boo-boos and be somebody’s safe place. I want to rewind monster trucks 17 times in an hour if that’s what makes he/she happy. I want to have a picture on my fridge that they drew for me. I may not be ready for that this year, or next year, or in 5 years, but someday. I want to be to somebody else what my parents were to me. And part of me wants to know that I have left something great behind when I’m gone.  So, from now on, what makes me happiest is what I will do. I’ll figure out my life in due time and it will fall into place, I am certain. I will do all the things I want, one day at a time. Patience is a virtue, after all, or so I’m told. I’m not gonna worry about it. Worrying gives you wrinkles, and it causes misery if you don’t do anything else but that. Things you can’t control you can’t worry about, you have to let them work out on their own.  Whether I end up being a successful lawyer, or a regular working mom, or a combination of such things, I will be happy.

Lastly, I advise all of you to find your happiness as well. Life is just too short not to. Tell someone you love them before it’s too late, forgive somebody you’ve held a grudge at, make peace with yourself and anyone else you need to. Love yourself, love others, and spend the rest of your life being as happy as you possibly can. Time will run out. If you live to be 100, it’s still not long enough. Don’t take life or the people in your life for granted, one day you may wake up and they will be gone. One day a storm can pass through your town and change everything you know, forever. Just remember what’s important to you, and who’s important to you. Make sure the people around you know how much they mean to you. There are no guarantees. Be grateful for what you have, and thank the Lord for it. Love more, live more, and pray more. I know I’m certainly going to. Family is important, friends are important, and they need to know that they are. Show them you appreciate them. Remind them you care. But most importantly, be happy. I know I don’t have it all figured out, and I don’t claim to, but I’ve learned from what I’ve seen unfold in a short time. Morgan Freeman said it best in The Shawshank Redemption, “Either get busy living, or get busy dying.” We all need to get busy living.     

Tim McGraw recently came out with a song that holds a lot of meaning to myself, and a few others I know. I want to post the lyrics here, because they do say so much, and maybe you can relate as well.

Better Than I Used to Be

I know how to hold a grudge,
I can send a bridge up in smoke.
And I can't count the people I've let down, the hearts I've broke.
You ain't gotta dig too deep,
If you wanna find some dirt on me.
But I'm learning who you've been,
Ain't who you've got to be.
It's gonna be an uphill climb,
Aww honey I won't lie.

I ain't no angel.
I still got a still few more dances with the Devil.
I’m cleanin up my act, little by little,
I’m getting there.
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see.
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get,
But I’m better than I used to be.

I’ve pinned a lot of demons to the ground,
Got a few old habits left.
But there’s still one or two, I might need you to help me get.
Standing in the rain so long has left me with a little rust.
But put some faith in me and someday you’ll see,
There’s a diamond under all this dust.

I ain't no angel.
I still got a still few more dances with the Devil.
I’m cleanin up my act, little by little,
I’m getting there.
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see.
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get,
But I’m better than I used to be.

I ain't no angel.
I still got a still few more dances, with the Devil.
But I’m cleanin up my act, little by little,
I’m getting there.
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see.
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get,
But I’m better than I used to be.


P.S. Thanks for reading!

A Sea of Blue: My First UK Game

Yes, that is indeed a picture of inside Rupp Arena on game day. And yes, it is from what I call the 'rafters.' But that is the only cost of free. I was desperate for some UK tickets, and I finally scored some free tickets from the bank. It's been a long and great season thus far of watching the games from my living room couch, but I wanted to experience first hand from where all the action happens.

The day started out pretty normal, I had to work, of course. But as soon I stepped out of the door of the bank and free for the weekend, my wheels were rolling toward Lexington. I stopped to pick up Auntie Char in London, my road trip buddy. We take off from time to time and disappear for a few hours, or a day or so. We laugh and reminisce and rock out to our favorite hits from the 70s.  Yes, I said 70s. That may be hard for some of you to believe, but if you know me at all, you know I don't discriminate against much music, and the 70s produced some of my favorite songs.

We were almost to Rupp Arena, and early I might add, as it was somewhere around 2:30 and the game started at 4:00, when I realized that neither of us had cash, which we had discovered earlier, and that we would need some to pay for parking. I am a huge fan of parking in the Hyatt garage and using the walkway to avoid people and weather. So, we traveled past Rupp, on down Broadway in search of a bank, or at the very least, an ATM. After driving a few miles, one surfaced. I pull through the wrong side, after noticing that the cop car parked in the parking lot was in fact empty, and let Auntie get us some cash. Back on the road again. And in the nick of time, too. Just after I went through the wrong way a car went in behind us haulin' ass. We just missed a head on collision. How 'bout that?

We get back to Rupp, park in my favorite lot, and make our way inside. Of course, I have to stop and look at the souvenirs. I couldn't help but compare it to a concert in a way. Millions of people, standing, drinking, mingling, and wasting money. The only difference, they were mostly all wearing blue, or a blue and white combination. It was a sea of blue, and one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. Hell, even I am drawn into the atmospheric phenom and purchase yet another UK shirt and a pom pom. We head toward our seats and are just lucky enough to walk by the ice cream shop. If the line hadn't been so long, I probably would have ventured to my seat with one, but I've been doing better with my eating habits, so I knew it was a sign I  wasn't supposed to have one today.

Auntie and I finally find our seats after walking up two flights of stairs. But hey, they were FREE. Did I mention they were free? Oh, so I did. Anyway, we sit down, and I am in awe. And heat, sort of. My sweat shirt is burning me alive. If I don't get this thing off I am going to spontaneously com-bust I think. I take it off and get settled, camera ready, phone ready, and I look around to see all the blue. I've never seen so much blue in one place in my life. My favorite color, all around me like a big blue blanket. It. Was. Magical. Down go the lights. I watch, mesmerized by the unfolding of the events. Lights are flashing, fans are cheering, announcers start calling off names of the players -- Davis, Lamb, Jones, Kidd-Gilchrist -- probably not in that order, but there they came. And each time, fireworks would go off from the ceiling. I was so excited.

After some more entertainment from the cheerleaders and the dance team and the kick-ass band (yes, any band that plays Cee Lo Green, Kansas, and Edgar Winter Group, all in the same sitting, they are kick-ass in my book), the game is underway. It went so fast! We were winning, I loved it! But then, low and behold, what would happen? People come in late, and inform me I am in their seats. And you know what? I was. That's right, it wouldn't be me if I didn't do something stupid ALL the time. I zigged when I should have zagged, in other words, I went left in the row instead of right and ended up in the wrong section. So half the people in the correct section had to get up during the game and let us through to the correct seats. They were NOT happy campers. But hey, did I mention I don't care? Everybody makes mistakes, geez! These seats were worse, however, we were packed in like sardines. At this point, I am even more glad that I took my sweatshirt off beforehand.

Game continues, bad calls and all. And we got some bad calls. If you were watching the game, you probably saw them. Here's what I noticed. I am ADD. Not technically, I mean I don't take medication, but I have a short attention span. So, I found myself unable to pay attention to the actual game at times because I was so busy watching and listening to my surroundings, something that never happens when I'm sitting on my couch. Also something I don't notice when I'm at home on my couch, how EVERYBODY in the arena stands up and yells simultaneously when there is a bad call. And, I do mean everybody. I was scared for the refs at this point. I mean, would you want that many angry people gunning for you? I wouldn't. These people were angry. REALLY angry. Especially the woman below me to my right, she was very distracting. The entire game she yelled, every 5 seconds like clockwork, "C'mon Cats!" repeatedly. Sometimes she would thrown in a "GET EEEEM!!!" when I wasn't expecting it. Then there were a couple times that she yelled at the refs.  I wondered if this woman thought that she could actually be heard. We were in section 230. Row T. Practically on the roof. The chance that any of the players or Coach Cal hearing her were about as slim as me not hearing her. But she was acting like she was Coach Cal's right hand here. And her patience was wearing thin. I thought at one time I wouldn't be able to stop myself from hitting her she was so obnoxious, but, she came to watch, just like me. I just wish she would have done it more quietly.

I turned my attention back to the game. It was half-time. I wanted an ice cream. But nobody in my row shuffled away like I had hoped, and I didn't want it bad enough to make them get up for me again. Another sign I didn't need it. So, Auntie and I made conversation and people watched, always a favorite past time. We decided that for free we would have sit in the main back row. You can't beat free, you just can't.  I watched all the little halftime show in amazement. The cheerleaders and the flips, the dancers and their synchronization. The band playing so awesome. I was taking it all in. And then, back to the game.

Everything after half time is a blur mostly. I remember several 3 point shots from Jones, cause he was on fire! And I remember jumping to my feet in unison with everybody else each time. I felt like I was a part of something. I felt like I belonged. We were pulling it off again, another home win. However, I did get upset with Wiltjer after those stupid goof-ups he made that almost caused us some real problems. My first thought was, "It ain't no wonder we ain't got that many white boys, they ain't got no game!" and my second thought was, "Why is he still in there? Does his dad have money or something?" Moments later, he made a 3 point shot, and I was like, "Oh. That's why." What? I had legitimate thoughts. The guys behind me were saying the same thing, so I wasn't alone.

Not long after, the game was over. Everyone scattered, and I just sat there. Watching. Reliving. That had to be the shortest game ever. But I guess it just felt that way because I was there, watching. No annoying commercials to sit through. Just basketball. It actually reminded me of how I used to feel when I played. I missed playing. I missed being a part of a team. And it hit me. I had watched religion. Everyone claims that high school football and Friday nights are a religion, well so is UK basketball. I guess I always knew that in a way, but watching it happen, seeing it first hand, a people coming together to celebrate an event, all thinking and feeling the same way, there to support their team, win or lose. Well, that's somewhat of a worshiping to me, and a way of life. I noticed people there of all ages, older people who were probably alumni or long-time fans. Small children dressed up in their UK gear and waving their pom poms and #1 hands, sporting blue hair and painted faces. It was the coolest thing ever. I remember thinking how closely related the feeling was to attending a concert for me. It was a show, a performance, people came to watch and enjoy themselves. The only difference is, they were all wearing the same color. It was one amazing game. I couldn't help but think about how I'd make it back for another. I wanted to experience this again. But from a closer seat. It occurred to me that was the first time I'd been in the 'cheap seats' at Rupp. My fear of heights doesn't help either.

We headed out of the Arena finally, watching the masses scatter. Traffic was murder of course, and so was finding somewhere to feed our starving faces that wasn't an hour wait. But we amused ourselves by coming up with things my dad would say if he were stuck in traffic. Dad can be so entertaining. We could hear him talking as if he was there, "Can you get that 100 foot rig out of the road? I just don't think you can," "Give it a little gas, it's that right pedal, there," "Well you dumb son of a b***h, can't you drive no better than that?" "Well what in the hell is going on here? Have you ever seen the beat of this in your life?" And of course there a few more with some choice words I won't use. My dad is very fun to travel with.

All in all, it was a great experience. I loved it, I will go back, and I can't wait. Maybe this weekend if I can. But, as I sit here watching it snow, I think I better get up and start doing a few things in case my 'juice' goes out.  Thanks for reading!

<3 Peace!

Oh, Happy Day!.....NOT

SO. As most of you know, I took my LSAT for the second time yesterday. And I'm sure you all saw my post on Facebook about how awful it was. And some of you even commented on it to tell me how much faith you had in me and how well I probably did. And while I do appreciate that ever so much, and it warms my heart that I have such wonderful friends, I must now explain a few things about my day, why I think I did so horrible, and some other notes about my potential in law school.

My day started out pretty well. As most of you know, I spent the night with one of my best friends in this world Courtney (Tennill) Kleppinger. She lives a mile or so from UK where I went to take the LSAT. She took time out of her own day, to get up and make me made-from-scratch pancakes, and then take me and drop me off so that I wouldn't have to be lost on the campus or park in a paid lot.

Two problems.

1.) They listed the wrong address on my LSAT admission ticket. So even Courtney who goes to UK everyday got lost. We barely made it to the building on time, by the grace of God I might add, since the only place we were able to find the building was on Courtney's UK map, and it only loaded so fast on her phone because we just happened to be in front of the hospital where her phone recognized Wi-Fi.

2.) As I am walking toward the door, I realize, I have no driver's license and I turn to see Courtney turning left and driving away.

My first thought, I admit, was "SHIT!" It suddenly dawned on me and I had a flashback from my first LSAT experience where they told my classroom of semi-eager test takers that they had turned away a gentlemen who had forgotten his 'valid ID'. My second thought was, "That's gonna be me. Thousands of dollars in tutoring and expenses and I am the dumbass who forgot to bring their driver's license." Then I realized....Oh wait, I didn't drive. A valid excuse. But not good enough I knew.

I race into the building to the moderator and ask for a telephone, which is actually problem #3. We aren't allowed to have cell phones and why would I need one when I have a taxi? So this bitchy lady dialed the only number I could remember on her phone. She wouldn't let me dial it, which I thought was retarded. But guess what, that wasn't Courtney's number. I had actually forgotten a number. What was happening to me? She's had the same number for like ever, and I guess my phone had been dialing it instead of me, so..I forgot it. I did remember her house number, so I asked to call her house. My phone was on silent and would have done me no good at this point. The woman yet again, dialed the number for me as if I was incapable. Courtney's dad answered and I blurt out my problem. He told me her cell number, so I call and amazingly she answers. THANK GOD!

Now, here is the next problem. She's lost trying to get home. She wouldn't tell me that, but she didn't have to. I know Courtney, and I read it in her voice. I was playing with MINUTES. And Courtney was about to pass out from stress. I told her what was going on, and again with help from God, the only possible explanation, Courtney was able to make it back to her house and back to the building in time for me to be admitted. I was 'late' but I was admitted. But I was a mess. I couldn't breathe from all the running and racing to make it back to the building. I had been crying because I thought it was all over. I was nervous as hell because of all that had happened and shaking all over. And this is how I must begin the most important test of my career. I tried to remain calm. I tried to focus. But, my pep talk to myself didn't really do a whole lot of good.

So, they call the first section of the test. Automatically it is the arguments section. I had been trained for this. But my adrenaline is still pumping and my mind is running away with me. I'm still in panic mode. I tried to pace myself and do as I'd been taught by my wonderful tutor. But my mind was playing tricks on me. I couldn't focus. I was having to read each question two and three times. Time started running out...and I was screwed.

They call the second section. The games. I had spent hours on this. I did the first one. I think I did well on it. And then, the rest I looked at, didn't look anything like what I had been trained in. I tried to do a couple more. And I just failed. This really blew my self esteem. I just gave up pretty much.

They called the third section. Arguments, again. I tried to move faster and focus better, not have to read the questions as many times, answer more questions. But, still didn't do very well. I could feel it. Panic.

So, break time. I get 15 minutes to collect my thoughts, and talk myself into doing better. I say to my self, "Self, you got this. Don't let yourself fall victim to a little stress. You can do this. Focus. Read. Breathe. Just do it."

They call section four. More arguments. And my mind goes, "What the hell? Last time I had two arguments and two games..." Now, for all you confused folks, let me give you some background on the LSAT. There are 4 scored sections and an 'experimental' section. The experimental section can be a duplicate of either of the other sections, but the four scored sections HAVE to be two arguments, one games, and one reading comprehension.  It dawned on me I had spent like 10 hours of tutoring on games and 3 hours on arguments, for ONE freaking games section. Seriously? Can this day get ANY worse?

Wrong question to ask myself. Cause it did. The fifth and final multiple choice section, was reading comprehension. And, it was hard. No passage was understandable. It was like I was reading Spanish. And I can't read Spanish, just like I couldn't read and comprehend and understand what those passages were talking about. All I could think about was how bad I was going to do. I practically gave up in my mind, but I still tried to answer the questions. None of them made sense. But I still tried. I didn't give up.

And then, the final section. The 35 minute writing prompt. I did better on that, if nothing else. That's the only positive. However, that isn't even part of my score. That's just punishment. But I finished.

On the way out of the building, my mind starts going into depression mode. I lost focus again, just trying to find my way out of the building. I got lost and went out every door except the one I came in. I finally found it, and thank God I was wearing bright blue colors and Courtney could spot me because she had to chase me down. I was in such a horrid shape, that I couldn't even find my way back out of the building. And I have an amazing sense of direction. Ask Courtney, I was able to find a restaurant on the outskirts of Lexington on Friday, that I had only been to ONCE and two years ago.

If Courtney and her husband, Jonathan, whom she brought back as insurance that we would not get lost on the way home, will tell you the truth, they will tell you, that had they not known me and my personality, they would probably have thought I was on hard drugs when I came out of the test. I was a mess. I called my tutor and left a voicemail that sounded something like a rant from someone with Delirium Tremens.  I called my family, but nobody answered. I texted my brother and told him I failed. He was a little more supportive and tried to keep me positive.

Courtney and I had planned to go somewhere after the test. But I was in no shape to drive. That was a first. I told her that, too. I said, "Court, can you drive? I can't. I really don't think I am safe to be behind the wheel of a car." So, she was eager to make me feel better. We got in her car, and headed toward Hamburg. I called my mom, no answer. I called my dad, he did answer. I wish he hadn't. The one person I needed to tell me that it was OK, did not tell me it was OK. I went through another somewhat drunken sounding rant, talking 10 times faster than normal as if I had just snorted an Oxy. And his response was, "Well, you never listen. We all told you that it was gonna be harder and you couldn't do what you're doing and pass but you know everything...." and he basically gave me a lecture. I just started crying profusely. Courtney was heartbroken for me. I just hung up the phone. I couldn't believe it. I needed my dad, and he gave me an "I told you so." I wanted to throw myself in front of a bus. But I couldn't, Courtney was driving. So, I just sat there and cried.

Courtney found me some tissues and tried to give me her best pep talk. It worked for a while. She always makes me laugh and gives me something to smile about.  She told me, "Jessica, you don't have anything to be sad about. You GOT IN to the test, when really, you almost didn't make it. You took the test. You prepared for it. You did all you can do. You have nothing to feel bad about today." She drove us to Outback where I drowned my sorrows in bread and butter and steak. I finally started getting some color back in my face. I had brought some things to return across the street at Victoria's Secret and Kohl's. We had decided to watch a movie to take my mind off things. I found some Wildcat stuff on sale at Wildcat Warehouse, too. That made my day better. A sweatshirt, a tee shirt, and a bracelet for 26 bucks. Not a bad purchase. Then the best part, I found 3 pairs of boots at Kohl's for $39. I love Clearance. And I know you ALL are thinking, "she has 90 pairs of shoes." Well, you are correct. But as depressed as I was, that was the only thing that had a remote chance of making me feel better. Shoe shopping at bargain prices does wonders for me. Plus, my tutor, Clarissa, called me back and gave me a pep talk too. She's been really great, and she made my day better.

We went to the movies to load up on calories and diet pop. We chose The Vow, a good chick flick. Or, so we thought. I was crying within the first 15 minutes. Again contemplating the bus idea. Why am I torturing myself? Lord. Have. Mercy. It ended on a better note but still not as I'd liked. Then I saw it was a true story. Damn, maybe life wasn't so bad after all. It could be worse, I could wake up and have lost 5 years of my life. Oh, wait. Maybe that was a good idea.

Anyhow, we came out of the movie, it was dark, cold, and snowing. I knew it was time to head out. I had drove her crazy enough. I needed to drive, think, and crank some music. That was normally how I dealt with things. On the way home I saw this place called Orange Leaf, some yogurt joint everybody had been talking about.  I mentioned it, and Court realized I'd never been there, so we dumped a bowl of yogurt onto Nachos, popcorn and a river of diet pop. I felt froggy, obviously, so I dumped into my bowl...brownie batter and birthday cake yogurt, with Butterfinger pieces and cookie dough. YUM. We sat there and ate the whole bowl. And watched some strange couple with a TINY girl who looked 12, if that old, and a boy who looked about 16.

It. Was. Odd.  But highly entertaining. Courtney and I are too much alike. We enjoy the smallest things, like people watching and exchanging looks of laughter and agreement.

I get back to her house, get my stuff, and get on the road. She gives me one last pep talk. The best yet. And some Dove caramel chocolates for the road. I love her. And I would love to live behind her in her guest house and see her everyday, making Pinterest recipes and walking to school together. But I realize, that dream is probably far away if my LSAT scores are as bad as I think.

I start out driving, jamming some random playlist on m iPod, trying to sort through the day in my mind and some of the things that Courtney had said that had made sense. I try to form some sort of a plan, but it is of course, too early to form one for sure. Something Court did say was that if I am meant to be a lawyer, I will be one. So, I just have to wait it out. I don't know that I will get into UK as I'd hoped, but there are other schools. I don't know that I can put myself through the torture of another standardized test, as one of the thoughts running through my mind is the possibility that maybe I just don't test well in those circumstances, but who knows.

The point is, I survived it, not once but twice. I gave it everything I had under the stress of a full time job and family issues. I did all that I can do. Will it be good enough for UK? I doubt it. Is it good enough for me? Yep. And I'm the only one that matters. It's my future, and I know I will make it happen, regardless of my parents or my friends or some panel of teachers that think I'm stupid because I don't give a rat's ass about how many dresses hang on what hanger in Sally's closet (one of my games questions). I am intelligent, I am a thinker, and I am a long way from letting a stupid test score define my future. It's mine and only I can define me.

But I do owe Courtney. She saved my life yesterday. And she never lets me down. If you read this Court, thank you, and I love you. You are my hero. Now, time to get my life back in order. Thanks for reading!

Inspirational song for this post:

Even If It Breaks Your Heart

Way back on the radio dial,
the fire got lit inside a bright-eyed child.
Every note just wrapped around his soul,
from steel guitars to Memphis, all the way to rock and roll.

Ohhh, I can hear em playin'.
I can hear the ringin' of a beat up ol' guitar.
Ohhh, I can hear em singin',
"Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart."

Downtown is where I used to wander.
Old enough to get there but too young to get inside.
So I would stand out on the sidewalk,
listen to the music playin' every Friday night.

Ohhh, I can hear em playin'.
I can hear the ringin' of a beat up ol' guitar.
Ohhh, I can hear em singin',
"Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart."

Some dreams stay with you forever,
drag you around but bring you back to where you were.
Some dreams keep on gettin' better,
gotta keep believin' if you wanna know for sure.

Ohhh, I can hear em playin'.
I can hear the ringin' of a beat up ol' guitar.
Ohhh, I can hear em singin',
"Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart."

Ohhh, I can hear em playin'.
I can hear the ringin' of a beat up ol' guitar.
Ohhh, I can hear em singin',
"Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart."

Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart.

Ohhh oh oh.
Ohhh oh ohh.

Keep on dreamin'.

What is Love?

While I most definitely have more important things to do, like sleeping, I have been in a writing mood all day. Especially since I helped a friend look over a paper this morning and was reminded that I used to do it more. I miss writing. Not necessarily for school, but I miss having something to say that doesn’t require a question such as “How much do you want to deposit?”

When considering topics, I thought about Pinterest. Not the website itself, but I get ideas for everything else on there, why not a topic? It would seem as most of the ‘repins’ as they are called, were relating to love tonight. All kinds of love. Not just between a man and a woman. So I suppose, that is just a good a place as any to start.

First of all, what is love? Not the horrendous song from back in the day. Haddaway didn’t know jack about the real thing.

Is it something you can touch? Something you feel? Something you can see? Those are all possible, but not for certain. Too often love is mistaken for a strong ‘like’ in my opinion. I would say I ‘love’ macaroni and cheese, but what does it really do for me? It satisfies a craving once in a while, stops a hunger pain, and the taste is indeed something made of awesome. But does it love me back? Not at all. It instead is filled with awful calories that really just want to find my hips and stay there. I would say I ‘love’ shopping. But does shopping love me back? Oh, please. I have enough credit card debt for 3 people. Thank you, Maurices and Victoria’s Secret. You don’t love me, you just want my money. That boy you dated in high school you thought you ‘loved’ after a month, well, that lasted about another month after you saw he really wasn’t what you thought, or he cheated on you. I hear 13-year-olds right now tell their mothers they ‘love’ so-and-so. Really? I don’t think so.

Love may be something different to most everyone. It may be that feeling you get when you pull fresh sheets out of the dryer. It may be the sound your puppy makes when he hears you come home. It may be and more than likely is the smile on your child’s face.  But love, has such a deeper meaning than just that.

Love is magical. It can be painful but it can also be the best feeling on earth. I’ve often heard the saying ‘you don’t know what love is until you have a child’. And while I am sure this is true to some extent, I know people who don’t have a child at all, but I bet you they have loved or been loved in their lifetime. There are many types of love, you know. I love my dad more than anything on earth. I love my mom most of the time. My brother is my best friend and I love him dearly. My friends I also love to the moon and back. But there is still love that awaits me—my true love.

I would like to think that I have loved in my life, I did have a boyfriend for almost 3 years. I know I am capable. I know I am willing. I know that somewhere out there among those millions of people there is at least one more soul that matches mine closely enough. And I believe I will know when I find it. It is so easy to mistake love. You can love someone and not be ‘in love’ with them. So often our ideas of love are tainted by the works of Hollywood and the writings of those who want to share their talent. But, I don’t think we really know until we are there. That’s why the saying goes that ‘when you find it, you will know’.

I know I have an idea of love, and I know what love most certainly is not.

Love is not abusive, love is not selfish, love is not mean, love is not deceitful. Love is not putting yourself first.

Love is knowing that you are safe. That no matter what happens, that person will protect you if they can. Love is looking at someone, and realizing that your life would not be the same were they not in it. Love is being there for someone no matter what turn their life has taken, and loving them through it. Love is making someone stronger with your love for them. Love is encouragement, love is a smile, and love is a laugh when you need it the most. Love is giving and not expecting anything in return. Love is knowing you can trust that person with your heart and your deepest secrets. Love is not judging, but accepting. Love is being so connected to someone that you can spend hours without having to say a word, because a gentle, peaceful quiet is all you need.  But at the same time, love is being able to talk for hours and never running out of things to say. Love is real. Love is that feeling the minute someone touches or kisses you, and knowing that your life will never be the same. And true love, my friends, is a bond that is unbreakable.

I believe that sadly, most of the time love is one sided, but sometimes you get lucky enough to have your love reciprocated just as deeply. I believe that fate and destiny play a big role in life, and love. I believe that with love, all things really are possible.

I will leave you with the most famous quote about love, just some food for thought:

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;
love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly;
it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails...But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7,13

P.S. Like I would really leave without a song lyric? Psht…

One of my favorites! From King George himself…

I Cross My Heart

Our love is unconditional, we knew it from the start.
I see it in your eyes, you can feel it from my heart.
From here on after let's stay the way we are right now,
And share all the love and laughter
That a lifetime will allow.

I cross my heart and promise to
Give all I've got to give to make all your dreams come true.
In all the world you'll never find a love as true as mine.

You will always be the miracle that makes my life complete,
And as long as there's a breath in me, I'll make yours just as sweet.
As we look into the future, it's as far as we can see,
So let's make each tomorrow be the best that it can be.

I cross my heart and promise to
Give all I've got to give to make all your dreams come true.
In all the world you'll never find a love as true as mine.

And if along the way we find a day it starts to storm,
You've got the promise of my love to keep you warm.
In all the world you'll never find a love as true as mine,
A love as true as mine.

­--George Strait

2011: The Year of Significance

It’s hard to believe this year is practically over already. Normally I wait until New Year’s to do this, but I don’t foresee anything detrimental to this post happening in the next week.  If so, that’s why there is an ‘edit’ button. Anywho, this should be an interesting read for those of you that know me, or want to know me.

We may as well start from the top. 

January started what could be the most significant year of my life so far. I was in my last semester of college. Ever.  And, quite possibly the most helpful of my four semesters at MTSU.  I found my love for writing and my passion for law again. It’s odd really to think that I had forgot how much I loved to write, but this made me think I could actually do it for a living.  And wow, it was a fight.  I had a hateful, decrepit man for a teacher in Feature Writing that made me cry almost every time I left his class. On the other hand I had an awesome teacher in Reporting, one that I actually enjoyed getting up at 8 O’ Clock to go sit and listen to.  As the semester wore on things got better in Feature Writing, but things in my life began to fall apart. 

My nearly three year relationship with Jason was in shambles. We fought constantly, over some of the most unimportant things.  I contributed it to the stress in my life, and I apologized constantly but I think I knew that there was a deeper rift than my apologies could ever fix. And I don’t want to say that I take complete blame. I tried to make it work, but relationships can’t be one sided. Still, we moved along, just at a very slow pace.

In May, I graduated from MTSU with a Bachelor’s Degree in Music Business. I finally after six LONG years of college, completed the degree I had wanted. Then I didn’t want it anymore. Well, it wasn’t that I didn’t want it per say. After interning with TKO Artist Management, one of the top firms in Nashville, I just realized it wasn’t the kind of job I wanted. I missed my family, I missed my friends, I missed Jason, and I wanted things to work with him so bad. I decided to come home and leave my music dream and Nashville behind, not to look back.

Toward the end of May, disaster really struck.  None of the jobs with newspapers I had applied for had came through, I felt like a failure.  And then, the weekend after I came home, Jason and I got into a fight. It’s mostly a blur now, but it set us on a three week battle. I fought to stay in the relationship, he fought to end it. I loved him, more than anything on Earth. I truly thought that if I just came home, if we were closer, we could make things work. I’d be happier, no stress of school, we could start moving forward. Turns out, that was all a mirage. I woke up June 3, to a Facebook message, two months shy of our three year anniversary.  I was devastated. 

I had nowhere to go. I had spent the last three years focusing on our relationship and my future with him. I was lost because I didn’t have a plan anymore. I hoped among hope that we would get back together, but that didn’t last very long. He refused to speak to me and still does. He apparently doesn’t even want to be my friend, but that is his choice and I respect it. It was a hard loss to get over. Heartbreak could be the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. It’s this feeling of death, sadness, and grief all rolled into one. It was like a part of me had died.  I spent two months in a deep depression. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and I cried constantly. I lost 20 pounds because I had no appetite.  I felt hopeless. 

But like any heartbreak, I got over it. It took a while, but it did happen. I found the light at the end of the tunnel. I realized that we weren’t good for each other anymore. We had been at one point, just not anymore. I like to compare it to the Billy Currington song that came out around that time, “Love Done Gone.”

“Don't worry, baby, sometimes things change
Nothin' we can do about it now, no way
This doesn't come easy, but that's just life
We can't keep pretendin' everything's alright

We told each other it was love before
The simple truth is it just ain't no more
The bells stop ringin', the music won't play
The crazy little feelin' that's faded away

Like snowflakes when the weather warms up
Like leaves on the trees when the autumn comes
Like the dogwood blossoms in a late spring rain
All the disappearin' bubbles in a glass of champagne
Like a red kite lost in a blue sky wind
I don't know where the good times went
It ain't nothin' we ever said or ever did wrong
It's just love done gone

I don't regret a single thing that we did
Anytime together, we ever spent
I wouldn't change a thing, baby, you know
Sometimes we gotta just go with the flow

Like snowflakes when the weather warms up
Like leaves on the trees when the autumn comes
Like the dogwood blossoms in a late spring rain
All the disappearin' bubbles in a glass of champagne
Like money in a slot machine
Don't know what happened to you and me
It ain't nothin' we ever said or ever did wrong
It's just love done gone”

It just summed up everything I felt about it. It still hurts sometimes. I miss his family so much because I was so attached to them. But, I will always love them. That doesn’t have to change. Some great things came out of our relationship. I learned a lot, and I made a lot of new friends, friends I will keep forever.

After I got over the initial shock and depression, I started looking at myself in a new light. I started asking myself what it was that I wanted.  I had allowed myself to get lost in the three years we were together. I wanted to remember who I was, and figure out what I wanted.  I took full time at the bank until I could figure out what that was.  They transferred me to the Hurts Creek branch, where I currently work the drive thru window.  So far it has been a wonderful experience. I have been working at Hyden Citizens Bank for almost four years and I love it. I had thought about trying to make a career out of it, and still haven’t ruled it out. But at the moment, I’m finally trying to chase my other dream – law.

At one of the lowest points in my life, I found a friend that I never expected. But they have been there for me through some of the hardest days I’ve ever had. They have stood by me and encouraged me and helped me put my life back together. They believed in me enough to give me the courage to follow my dream of being a lawyer, and I may never be able to repay them for all they have done.  But I am truly grateful.

In putting myself back together, I gave myself somewhat of a makeover. I started dressing better, I got a tan, and I worked on my self-esteem. I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl around, and certainly by no means the skinniest, but I am a great person. I try to help others, I love with all my heart, and I work hard at everything. I always give 110 percent. I love me. I would love me even more if I was about 30 pounds lighter, but I’m working on that, too.

This year I had a lot of firsts.  I laid in the tanning bed for the first time, rode a roller coaster, went to a Nascar race, had not one, but three, articles published, and most recently went to Church for the first time.  I am a long way from being the person I want to be, but I am better for the things I have gone through this year. I have learned to be happy with myself, and work on the things that I’m not happy with. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason I have gone through all this, there is a reason I am where I am today. I have so many blessings in my life – friends, family, co-workers, a great job, hopes for the future – I look forward to where I’m going.

I also got blessed with three nephews this year – Shade, Brayden, and Matthew.  Maybe not by blood, but nephews just the same. I have reconnected with old friends that I’d lost or been away from. I have built better relationships with those closest to me. I have re-discovered the importance of family. Each month I spend the last Sunday with my extended family on Dad’s side. I miss my granny more than anything, but I love so much spending time with them, and staying connected. In a way it’s like nothing has changed. We are still the same people. We still act the same way. There are just more of us. As our family grows, so does my granny’s memory.

This year was a year of discoveries, learning experiences, and in short—life.  We live and we learn, and we never stop.  Life doesn’t stop and wait for us to catch up. It just happens, and we have to catch up with life.  I’m still catching up, but I’m OK with that. I have time. I’m in no hurry. I’m more spontaneous these days, and I like it that way. Not having a plan has been good for me. Right now, I’m just enjoying the ride.

I hope everyone has an awesome 2012. I plan to :). And that’s the first plan I’ve made in a long time.  Peace!     

The Good Ole Days

Since my granny's passing in 2007, my family and I have continued the tradition of Sunday dinner in her honor once a month at her home.  We potluck, reminisce, laugh and remember the good ole days.  It's not the same without her by any means, but some things never change.  Like today.

We had our Thanksgiving get together.  There was so much food it took up two tables, and of course like tradition all the desserts were placed on the deep freezer.  I don't know who started that or why it continues, but some things are not meant to be questioned--that's just how we roll.  There were two types of everything there, from Mac n' Cheese to sweet potato casserole, turkey, etc.  Needless to say, there was more than enough food and plenty left over, a very rare occurrence.  No one left hungry.

As usual, there were children of all ages.  Sometime between 2006 and 2009 there was a baby boom in my family.  Literally, there were AT LEAST 14 kids born during that time.  It's strange because I was thinking today as they all ran a circle around the fireplace, some things really never change.  I couldn't tell you how many times my generation of cousins and I have ran that same circle until one of us ended up hurt, and then we were all scolded to sit down and stop running.  It amazes me just how much doesn't change.  Those kids do the same exact thing my bunch did.  They hide in the same places, climb the same trees, make the same mistakes with their parents, and it literally shocks me.  It's like a weird case of deja vu.  It's almost like I'm reliving some moments in my past.  The sad part -- my grandmother isn't going to be in their memories.

This generation will not eat her chicken and dumplings, her made-from-scratch biscuits, or her meatloaf.  This generation will not hear her laugh so hard she cries and gets so tickled she can't finish her story.  I guess I inherited that from her.  This generation will not experience the warmth of her hugs and the gentleness of her soul.  They won't remember the $20 dollars in cash and gift from Belks that she gave to every single grandchild each year.  They won't understand the significance of why the pictures are not to be moved, of why the curtains will not be changed, the roosters are still on the shelf in the kitchen, and why her room is locked tighter than a drum.  They won't get why the flower bushes are not to be touched.  They won't remember why the ramp was built on to the side of the house, or the significance of the house itself.  They won't hear any of her stories about her childhood and taking care of her siblings after her mother died, or how she raised 10 kids with an alcoholic and abusive husband.  They won't have any idea why the best thing in life is sitting on the porch in a cool breeze drinking an RC cola and eating a moon pie, preferably vanilla.  They won't know that granny's favorite time of year was fall, and that she loved Ponderosa, or any buffet for that matter.  She just loved food.

It is so hard some days, remembering the days when the first place you went when you walked in the door was the kitchen.  Granny would be sitting there, peeling taters, or mixing cornbread with her hands.  She never measured anything.  Her silver hair would be tied back and one leg would be propped up on a chair.  she had a rag in one hand and a fork in the other.  "Hi sweet darlin'," she would say.  Her laugh will be stuck in my head for years and years to come.  I hope I never forget it.             

My grandmother is the only person thus far I have ever lost that was extremely close to me.  My grandpa always terrified me so I kept my distance, so much that when he died I barely remember crying.  My mom's dad died when I was 6 months old, and my mom's mom, well, she was special, but I never quite knew her like my dad's mom.  As sad as it is to say, I don't think I loved her as much as my dad's mom either.  She meant everything to me.  I have so many regrets from how I handled losing her, but I know she is in a better place, and I know that she knew I loved her.  I remember her most on days like today, surrounded by the family she created, the family she loved, and the family who will keep her memory alive. 

I should be studying for the LSAT right now, considering that I haven't and it's in a week.  But when something like this weighs on your mind you haven't much room for anything else.  I don't know where the time went.  5 years ago I was leaving my granny's house and not realizing that I wouldn't share another Thanksgiving with her.  5 years ago, I thought I had all the time in the world with the people I love.  Everyone says that "back in the good ole days..." blah, blah, blah.  The good ole days still exist as long as we are alive and can enjoy those we love that are still with us.  No, Merle, as bad as I hate to say that you are wrong, the good times are in fact not really over.  I miss my granny, but it has taught me to live life, and spend time with those you love while you still have the chance and so do they.  Make the best of what time you have, and always save room for the good ole days.

Enjoy the music!

Well, might I start by saying this is strictly for my own expression.  But I've heard enough the last few days, so much that I feel I must share my opinion. Even if no one reads it.

For the last few months, but moreso the last few days for some reason, I continue to hear about how much Country music has changed.  I hear that it sounds like old Rock, or that it sucks, or that it's like watered down Pop. Well I have something to say about that.

Music is how you perceive it to be.  Music is one of the most powerful things we have the privilege of being exposed to.  It has the power to start a movement, stop a war, ease a troubled mind, mend a broken heart, and say about anything you can't find the words to say yourself.  Music can band a people together, unite a crowd the way nothing else can.

It. Is. Amazing.

The truth is, music is just like everything else around us -- people, technology, etc, -- it evolves. Nothing ever stays the same, everything is constantly changing.  There are exceptions to this rule, for example, Jamey Johnson. We all thought we'd heard the last of the Outlaw movement until he arrived, but here he is.  He is awesome, but if you'll notice, he doesn't have the following that others have.  It's because he doesn't roll with the tide, he does his own thing.  I'm not saying that Taylor Swift is Country, I don't think she is. I don't particularly care for her music, I tolerate it. Just the way I tolerate most of everything by that Minaj chick, Selena Gomez, and let us not forget Justin Beaver.  But like I said earlier, it's how you perceive it.

Country is full of watered down Pop, I agree.  And Country may not be Country 'no more' as Travis Tritt proclaimed some years back.  What I love about Country, is that no matter how it changes, no matter how many goofy songs like "Red Solo Cup" or "Ticks" come out, most of the time, the message is still the same: we are who we are, and we don't like to change.  There are those songs that come out that we can still relate to the message in it.  Most recently, "Made in America" by Toby Keith.

"He's got the Red, White and Blue flying high on the farm
Semper Fi tattoo on his left arm
spends a little more in the store for a tag 
in the back that says "U.S.A."

Won't buy nothing that he can't fix
with WD 40 and a Craftsman wrench.
He ain't prejudice, he's just,
made in America."

I know people just like that.  I know older folks like that who are in the minority, and who is their voice? Toby Keith, Brad Paisley, Eric Church, etc.  Brad Paisley had another great song called "This is Country Music" that describes just what Country music is about for those who don't understand or sometimes forget:

"You're not supposed to say the word 'cancer'
in a song.
And tellin' folks that Jesus is the answer
can rub 'em wrong.

It ain't hip to sing about tractors, trucks, little towns, and mama,
yeah that might be true.
But this is country music
and we do."

Who writes lyrics like that?  Not Jay-Z and Beyonce. Not Kesha. Not Justin Beaver, or Kanye West.  They don't know jack.  I could sit here and talk about this subject all day.  I majored in it.  I studied it. I love it.

Unfortunately, I don't have all day, and neither do you.  My message is this: you don't have to love it to understand it.  Music may have changed to some degree.  We still have the Bob Seger's and the Eagles in the world who make good music and entertain us.  We have newcomers everyday.  You have the power to make music, choose music, or turn off music.  I couldn't make it without it.  I have a song for every mood. I love it, I live with a song in my head.  I am guilty of complaining myself but honestly, I shouldn't.  I am grateful we have music.  I can't imagine my life without it.

The Bible says that if you can't sing you should make a joyful noise. That's enough for me.