After the Fire is Gone

"There's nothin' cold as ashes, after the fire is gone..."
                             -- Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty 

One year ago today on June 3rd, I awoke at 7 a.m. like normal to get ready for work. I dreaded it. The third of the month on a Friday, working the busiest branch we had, Hurts Creek. The first thing I did was check my phone, like I had every day for the past two weeks, hoping I’d have a message from my boyfriend. And I actually did, but it was on Facebook, and my phone wouldn’t let me read it. So I grabbed my laptop and couldn’t wait to see what he’d said.  

He was still my boyfriend until we officially ended it. We were just having a rough patch. We’d been apart for so long while I was in school and had some bad days, but I was home now. The past couple weeks we’d barely spoken, but I just knew before I read that message that he had thought about it and realized how we were meant to be together.

But that’s not what he’d done at all.

Instead, he had let me wake up to a broken heart. The very first thing I saw that morning was a message from him ending our nearly 3 year relationship. It was the most devastating day of my life. When I read that message, I literally felt my heart breaking into a million pieces, and I screamed in agony. It was a loud enough scream to wake my parents, who thought I was being murdered I imagine. At least until they came running into my room where they found me in front of the computer, crying so hard I couldn’t breathe.

I don’t have to tell you their reaction if you know them, although it would make this story a little more humorous.

I couldn’t go to work that day, I had to call in, for only the second time in 3 years. I literally lay in bed all day. I just cried, continuously, until my eyes were swollen and hurting. I don’t think I even showered. I hope I did, but that’s something I just don’t remember. I do remember not eating all day except picking at the turtle bowl sundae Tracy brought me when she came to check on me and give me her best pep talk. It was a very nice gesture, but at the time, a useless one. I was going through my first heartbreak, probably about 7 or 8 years behind everyone else, which is why it hit me so hard, like a ton of bricks.

The days that followed were just as miserable – sleepless nights, no appetite, weight loss, depression, anxiety, etc. It took me about 2 good months to not be miserable. By the time the day of what would have been our anniversary rolled around, I was pretty much OK. But that first month was rough. I ain’t gonna lie – it hurt. It hurt real bad.

But here’s the good news…

Today, a year later, I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I am stronger, more intelligent, more myself, and most of all, worth more to the next lucky man in my life.  I have lived more in the last year than I ever have, and enjoyed every second. I have discovered more about myself, who I am, and what I want out of life more than I ever thought possible.

This summer I will enjoy life even more. In August, I will start an entirely new journey with law school. I will continue to be my own person – a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman – and a role model for all women. Be who you are, be yourself, work hard, enjoy life, and never have to depend on anybody but yourself. Because really, that’s all you can depend on in life. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have so many AMAZING friends, more than what should be allowed, and some really AWESOME family, too. I couldn’t make it without them. I had them all along and it took a crisis in my life to discover how lucky and blessed I was and how I had taken so many people for granted.  But no more of that, my friends and family will ALWAYS come first in my life. Always.

Now, I could sit here and deliver at least 1,000 different inspirational quotes. But here is what you need to know. A very wise person once told me that happiness comes from within, and they were right. Until you are happy with yourself, nobody else can make you happy. And even then, they can only add to your happiness. With that said, nobody can be completely happy with themselves, I’m not, and don’t expect to be. That’s like trying to be perfect, no one is. I still have a few pounds to lose, some muscle to build, learning how to control my temper and I’m sure if I think about it there are some other imperfections I’d like to change.

The trick is to find things about yourself you like, things that make you happy about who you are. I may not be a supermodel, but I’m by no means the worst looking girl around. I’m not fake; what you see is what you get. I’m the same with everybody everywhere I go. I’m a people person. I love kids. I’m smart. I can be funny.  I go out of my way to help people. I love me, I have no reason not to, plain and simple.

Now, don’t take that the wrong way. In no way am I trying to sound self-centered or conceited. If you know me, you know that I can be pretty down on myself, mostly because I’ve always had low self-esteem. But there comes a time in your life where you have to ‘get busy living or get busy dying’ as Morgan Freeman said in Shawshank Redemption.  That point for me came about two months after my heartbreak. It’s taken a year for me to really love myself and be happy with myself, but buddy I’m there, and it’s great.

I live my life in a way that pleases me, and no one else, although I do like making others happy and go out of my way to do so sometimes. I answer to no one, I do what I want, whatever makes me happy, and it’s only gonna get better. I’m making sure of that. The past year has brought a lot of ups and downs, sickness and death, etc to my life. Those things have also impacted me and my outlook on life, but mostly it was being at the low point that I was at a year ago.

Looking back, the heartbreak I went through was the best thing that ever happened to me. Honestly. I have always heard those old clichés like ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ and ‘time heals all wounds’ but they never rang true until then. I can truthfully say that today I am stronger, happier, and better off than I was a year ago. I hope my ex is all those things, too. Some things just aren’t meant to be.

But then again, some things are, and what is meant to be will happen regardless. I know I have a great life ahead. The reason I know, is because I will make it great, one way or another. We only get one life; we have to make it count. Don’t spend it miserable. Love yourself first, and everything else will fall into place. 

For Marie

Today I wore the prettiest necklace.  It was a sterling silver heart, on a round rope chain. The heart wasn’t whole though, it has little holes all about it. It was made that way. And it represented just how I felt.  Today, my heart was filled with a few holes.  Today, I said goodbye to one of the greatest women I have ever had the privilege of knowing, Mrs. Marie Garrison. Marie gave me that necklace years ago, and I felt it only right that I wear it today, in her honor.  I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that she's gone. It doesn't seem possible to walk into the bank and not see her sitting behind her desk. But unfortunately, I will never see that again.

I had 4 years working alongside Marie. I don’t remember ever meeting her before I started working at Hyden Citizens Bank, but I can’t imagine my life without her. When I started there, I never knew the impact she would have on me. She became one of few great women in my life; one of the best role models, co-workers and friends I could ever have been lucky enough to meet.

Sometimes people come into your life with a purpose that you can’t see. Whether it’s to teach you, to love you, to be there for you, to understand you, to guide you, to push you, to find something in you that you can’t find in yourself, or to be somebody you can look up to.  Marie was one of those people who did all that in my life.  When I lost my granny, it wasn’t long after that I went to work at Hyden Citizens Bank. Marie filled the void that my heart had after losing the most important woman in my life. She was all the things my granny was – humble, loving, funny, full of joy and laughter, smiles and stories, and a hug and kind word when you needed it.  She was there for me, she advised me, and she loved me.  She was the best boss I could ever ask for – always understanding, never demeaning, and so patient. I remember being out in my drawer several times the first few weeks because our system was different than the one I had left at Community Trust, and it took me a while to learn it. She was patient with me, she knew I would learn.

Marie believed in me, through everything I did. When I thought I had to go off to Tennessee and chase my music dream, she supported me. She let me come back and work weekends and Holidays and any other time I could. She helped keep me a job when I could have been turned away.  When she thought I was leaving she brought me in her office, and gave me a picnic basket that I know probably cost a fortune, and that sterling silver necklace. Just how my granny used to buy me things. When I went through my heartbreak with my ex boyfriend and the depression that followed, she was right there.  I loved Marie. I loved her so much.

I loved hearing her laugh. Watching her smile when she told a funny story. About the time she got to the funny part she'd hunch her shoulders and cackle a little. She had the sweetest laugh. And smile. And the best heart. Her heart was big enough for a multitude of people. She loved everyone. She grieved with you. She laughed with you.  She stuck with you, no matter what.  When I needed her, she was there. Every. Single. Time. Even when I didn't need her, she was there, waiting to be needed. I know she was proud of me when I came home, when I took full time at the bank. I know she loved me.  

After I took full time at Hurts Creek I rarely saw her. Sometimes I would take my early day and go see her and the other girls at the main branch. I wish now that I had done it more often. I wish I had spent more time with her, like I should have. When I found out she was sick, I was devastated.  I remember reliving the moment when I found out Granny was sick.  The first time I went to see Marie in the hospital, I took her strawberries.  She loved strawberries. And Martins, she loved watching the Martins, and she talked about them all the time. That day I saw her, she looked so good. Absolutely beautiful. I wondered how she could really be sick, because she sure didn't look or sound it. But that's how Marie was, strong and courageous.  She lived her whole life that way, always putting on a smile for everyone no matter what.   

And there I was, losing another great lady, the same way I lost the first, my granny. It took Marie one month longer to go than my granny, but I still didn’t go see her the way I should have, I still didn’t say the things I wanted to her – the things I should have said to her.

The last time I went to see her it was such a drastic change. She was groggy from the medication I guess, but nowhere near the Marie I knew and loved. I took her a Diet Pepsi and two packs of nabs, and a little plastic yellow flower in a vase. Something sunny for her to look at I'd hoped, and maybe brighten her spirits. She already had a nice supply of Diet Pepsi and nabs, however, so that didn't help very much. We talked for a half hour or so. I told her I'd started going to church, she seemed so pleased. I'm pretty pleased with myself, too. I'm going for the right reasons. As I got up to leave, I didn't want to move everything out of the way to hug her because everything was set up so nice for her. I just rubbed the side of her leg and told her I'd come back in a few days. As I stood there, looking at her, I remembered how much I regretted not saying everything I had wanted to my granny before she died. How I didn't want to lose that chance with Marie. She looked up at me and tried to smile, and said, "I love you, Jessica." I had a chance, only one. Should I take it, should I tell her what I wanted her to know?

“Thank you for being a light in my life. Thank you for being such a great example. Thank you for all the kind words you said to me when I was going through heartbreak and depression. Thank you for helping shape me into the person I am, for making me feel like I can do things and encouraging me to follow my dreams. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your family and for being so great to work with. But most of all, thank you for loving me.”

That’s what I wanted to say, but that’s not what I said. All I could say was, “I love you too, Marie, so, so much.” I didn’t want her to think I felt like it was the last time we’d talk, even though I knew it would be. I could feel it. I’d been there before. I just hope she knows how much she meant to me.

I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. Death changes us, but life also changes us. People were put into our lives for a reason, and they are taken for a reason. The preacher at the funeral today said a lot but something I paid the most attention to was when he said “Don’t blame God.” I don’t. If I were God, I would want such an amazing person like Marie with me too. I am jealous though, that he gets to be with her. I want her here. At Home. With me. With her family.  But I guess she is home. As beautiful an Angel as she was on Earth, I know she will shine even brighter in Heaven.  

Something else the preacher said is that we have no guarantees in life. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. That’s why more so now than ever, I will try even harder to do the things I want, see the things I want, and show people how much I care about them, before my tomorrows stop coming. Living life to its fullest is so important. You only have one ride on the rollercoaster. And that’s just what it is, a rollercoaster. You have your slow ups, your fast downs, moments of excitement, moments of fear, moments you feel like you’re flying, moments when you feel like you’re about to die, and just when you think you’ve got it under control, the ride is over.

Marie was fortunate enough to see a lot of beautiful places, have a husband and family, and love them more than anything. I think she accomplished most of what she wanted to in life. Maybe some things she didn’t even know she did, like touching lives far and wide, lives just like mine. My life was forever changed because of her. And I know many more were too. I want to be like her. I want to see beautiful places, marry my best friend and raise a family, and live a life so that I might touch the lives of others.  I want to love others and be loved as Marie was.  I have time to accomplish all that, I hope. 

But, I feel so awful for all those she left behind. Her family, her siblings, her co-workers whom she stood beside of for upwards of 30 years, and her many friends.  I know her husband John and her mother especially will have such a hard time. I hugged her mother yesterday at the wake, she is such a gentle soul. That must be where Marie got it from.  She was crying, but I hugged her. She took my hand and told me she loved me. I told her I loved her too, and that I was there if she needed anything. I can’t imagine what she has went through. What she will go through. Marie meant so much to so many people.  We are all going to be lost without her, for a long time. But time heals all wounds. We may move on with our lives, but we will never forget Marie, and what she meant to us. But we will also never fill the void she left in our hearts by being taken too soon. I know that I will try to be like her. I will lead by example the way she did. I will always love her. And I will miss her, more than words can express.

This year at Relay for Life, I will walk for her. I will walk for both my grannies, my uncle, and all those who have been taken too soon by Cancer. I will continue to raise money, to fight the fight against the disease that has taken so many lives. I encourage you to do the same. Help fight the fight, and walk the walk at Relay for Life. 

I’ve said what I needed to say, more than enough probably. But there could never be enough said about such a kind, gentle, loving soul like that of Marie. Please cherish those you love and the time you have with them. Tomorrow may be all we have.

Rest in peace Marie, you will certainly be missed.   

John 14:1-4 “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.”

     

A Few Good Men

Well, for you movie buffs out there, sorry to disappoint but this is not referencing the award winning flick. This blog is referencing one of my own observations.

Last night, on one of my outings to London to see my close friends Jess and James and tan, I had an interesting experience. I wish tanning would have been the interesting experience, but it wasn't. I didn't even get to do that unfortunately. Apparently, it was 'Free Tan Week,' and they were backed out the door like the Stones were in town. I didn't feel like waiting forever, so I didn't bother going in. But anyway, I digress.

Continuing on with story, I ventured into Wal-Mart for some Organic milk and some low calorie Orange Juice and to get my sweet boy Holden a Monster Jam birthday card. As always I ended up with far more than what I went in for. For some reason, they had the dairy/juice section blockaded in such a way that the National Guard probably would have had trouble getting through. This annoyed me something awful seeing as how I had purposefully went in there for those two things. But I outsmarted them. I waited for the Wal-Mart workers to come out of the back and made them go get it. If anybody is gonna go through the war zone it's gonna be one of their own. My luck would be I'd go to get it, and fall and break my face, and then they'd sue me since it was indeed roped off making it my fault. It didn't stop this one gentleman, I noticed. He crossed under the rope and between the massive pallets of junk to get his orange juice and yogurt. A brave soldier he was. But this is all beside the point. I get sidetracked sometimes. My apologies.

As I'm walking through the gift bag/tissue/bow aisle trying to find a cute bag for Holden's Monster Truck shirts I bought him, a man stopped me. He was probably late 20s or early 30s, covered in grease and mud from head to toe, sporting a baseball cap, and some heavy work boots. He didn't have very much in his cart, so when he stopped me, I wasn't sure what kind of freakishly retarded comment he was about to make. But he turned toward me, leaning on his cart and said, "this may sound stupid, but my wife's birthday is tomorrow, and she drinks them caramel frappacinos and vanilla lattes and such, and I was just wondering, I see you're a coffee drinker (I was holding and consuming a tall skinny vanilla latte from Starbucks) and I was wondering what you thought, do you think she'd like this Keurig? Her dentist had one and she tried it and loved it."

Part of me was astonished that somebody wanted my opinion. The other part was thrilled to be able to give my review of how awesome the Keurig was. So I told him that I loved mine, it was great and I used it a lot. So he says, "Well, I drink coffee too, but I drink a strong coffee, ya know, but she don't and I was wondering do you think this (holds up a box of Millstone Breakfast Blend) would be OK for her to start out with?" So I proceed to tell him how that's the type I drink, that I buy flavored creamers and such and fix it the way I want it. But then I tell him that if he isn't aware, there is an assortment of flavors that come in the box with the coffee maker, so she might like to try them and see which one she likes before he spends 11 bucks on a whole box of the same stuff. "Thank you!" he said pretty enthusiastically, "you just saved me 11 bucks!" I laughed and said "Well, I know how expensive that stuff is and I hate wasting money on something I'm not sure about. But she will love the Keurig, I love mine."

This is where it got interesting.

I felt somewhat compelled to share my opinion a little further. It isn't often I'm able to witness a phenomenon such as a male really trying to please his significant other. So I say, "I think it's really great that you're doing this. That you took the time to come in and pick this out and that you're really trying to please her. Your wife is a lucky woman." And he said, "Well, I'm pretty lucky, she's a great wife. She stays with our 3 kids (he told me their ages but I don't remember them exactly, they were all under 6 and one was a toddler I'm pretty sure), and she does all the mommy stuff while I work 60 hours a week. I work on oil wells and drilling and stuff (then it clicked why he was so dirty) and I have to drive to wherever we work too and that takes a while, so I'm gone a lot, but she does a good job. And she don't have time to make coffee in the morning, this'll be quick right?" And I got all misty-eyed and I said "No, it don't take long. She'll be pleased I'm sure."

Then he walked toward the bows and said, "Guess I need to pick out a 'purty' bow. This 'pank' one will do alright." I chuckled a little bit and he got a little defensive and told me, "I ain't no good at this, I just wanted to get her something nice." I felt horrible but I wasn't making fun of him, I was chuckling at how he had went about the 'pank' one. I said, "No, really, I think it's sweet and you've done a great job. It's nice that you're picking out a bow." He turned back around and said, "Well my momma taught me that it was the thought that counts, but you have to at least try and put thought into it." I smiled and said, "Well she done a fine job, she taught you well."  

We said our farewells and he thanked me for my help. After we'd parted I thought, maybe I should have thanked him. For being a good husband, for giving me hope that there are a few good men out there who are crazy about their wives, that want to make them happy, and show them they appreciate them for being a wife and a mother and for all they do for their husband. I hope this mystery woman knows how lucky she is. If she doesn't, it's a shame. You could tell he really wanted to please her. And it's not that I'm jealous. I'm not in a big hurry just yet, the way I see it whatever happens, happens, it'll happen to me when I'm ready for it and I can handle it and be what I need to be for that person. But it brightened my day to see such a sweet husband trying for his wife. I wish more couples were like that. I wish more couples could make their marriages and relationships work. Either way, I felt it was an occurrence worth sharing. You women out there, if you have a good husband, appreciate him. Realize how lucky you are. You men out there, if you have a good woman, realize how lucky you are as well, and if you haven't been, take the time to do something special for her every now and then, especially on her birthday. Let her know you love and appreciate her.

Sometimes, it's the little things, like a 'pank' bow, that can mean so much.

<3

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Everybody starts out in this world the same way, naked and cold. Some of us have it better than others at birth, however. Some of us go home to loving parents, some aren’t so lucky. Some go home to a wealthy family, some aren’t as fortunate. Either way, we all begin the same – helpless. We learn to talk, to walk, to feed and clothe ourselves, what’s right, what’s wrong, and eventually, how to survive on our own. We are constantly learning things, continuously taking in bits and pieces of knowledge that form some sort of thought process in our minds. We learn how to adapt to new surroundings, how to provide for ourselves and whomever else we must provide for. And at some point, if we are lucky, we start the cycle over again. We have our own children, who must learn everything anew, just as we have. Some things, however, can’t be learned in a day, a week, a month, a year, even ten years. Some things we must continually learn, even up until we take our last breath. And some things, we never really understand. All we can do is accept them.

The sad thing about life, is that it ends. Saturday, I lost my Great Uncle Oaf Lee. He was an odd character, somebody you dreaded seeing coming at times because of his outlandish tales and thoughts, but somebody you could always count on. If he loved you, he would do anything for you, and even if he didn’t love you, or even like you, he’d still help you if he could. He came from the old school. He was born poor and did his best to not die that way. He lived for his children, his brothers and sisters, and his nieces and nephews. He thought there was nothing like a Toyota truck, and a fine cup of coffee. He told me how the best cup of coffee was made once, and now I’m sad that I can’t remember.  He called me, “the old lady from Muncy’s Creek” my entire life. I hated that nickname. I thought it was the most annoying thing I’d ever been called. Until Saturday, when I realized I’d never hear him call me that again. And I realized, he was somebody else I’d taken for granted. He was somebody else I didn’t appreciate until it was too late. And I asked myself why do I do that? Why do I always let people I love slip away from me when I could be doing more and enjoying them more and making better use of the time I have with them while they are here. This time, I'm going to try and learn from that mistake. But for now, rest in peace Uncle Oaf.  I love you, and I will miss you.

After he passed Saturday, I went on a trip with my dad and my brother through West Liberty. Traffic was moving slow as it was mostly onlookers surveying the damage from their cars. All I could do was cry. On top of losing somebody else I loved, I witnessed the aftermath of the death of an entire town. How awful it was to see what was left and how everything had been taken from those people. An old lady was sweeping off her porch routinely, even though the tree in her front yard had been uprooted and thrown across her sidewalk, the windows of her home had been boarded up, and part of her roof was missing. She seemed to be searching for the one piece of normalcy she could find.  The Mason Lodge building was roofless, what was left caved in as we drove by. Part of the First Baptist Church was gone, and so many other buildings I noticed. Although some escaped with minor damage that was barely even noticeable, for the most part, the buildings were either gone, or would have to be torn down. The people around were working like little bees to repair what they could. My heart ached for them. I couldn’t imagine being there and living through that. What it must have felt like not knowing whether you would live through it. Whether you’d attended your last Sunday Service, whether you’d seen your family for the last time. 

This made me think about my own life. I got my LSAT scores back again, and they sucked, AGAIN. The first time I got a 143. I needed at LEAST a 150 to get into UK, but more than that I imagine. The second time, even though I was well prepared, I dealt with so much that I was unable to bounce back from the stresses I was under and only pulled a 142. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I couldn’t even post it on Facebook until a week had passed. But looking at those people, who had survived a natural disaster, I felt pretty bad for whining about my LSAT score. What I had went through that morning was NOTHING compared to what these people had went through. Some lost their homes, some lost their family, and some lost their lives. And I thought about how lucky I was, to have a job, a family, and friends. Why am I in such a hurry? What good is it going to do me? I have never made a good decision in a hurry. Now, granted, I have made spontaneous decisions that turned out good, which I will argue is different than a decision made in a hurry. But when I get in a hurry, nothing ever turns out like I plan, or want it to.

The last few weeks I’ve been re-evaluating my life, trying to figure out what will make me happy and what’s important to me. So far I’ve decided that life is too short to put important things off, like Church. I’ve been going, trying to gain a better understanding of something that I’ve always avoided. I guess that started when Billy’s dad got sick. I realized that it could just have easily been my dad, and I needed to start living better, not just for myself, but for those around me. Life has been throwing curves for a lot of people I love lately. Not just my great uncle, nor Billy’s dad and family, but my boss and one of the sweetest people to ever walk the earth, Marie Garrison, is also suffering hardships health wise.  It seems that every time I turn around, something is happening. I’m losing somebody, somebody is sick, or something bad is happening to somebody I care about or in the World in general. But, I’ve come to realize, that it isn’t new. It’s been happening my whole life, and I’m just now noticing it. 

I don’t know that I will be make it to be a lawyer. Writing seems to be one of the few things I really love, and something that has always been a huge part of my life. I wonder sometimes if I’m just pursuing the safe route going towards law, a profession with somewhat of a guarantee, as opposed to what would make me happy, and what I would call the road less traveled. I don’t know anything for certain anymore, except that there is no certainty.  I could walk out of my house tomorrow and not live to walk back in. In life there really are no guarantees. When you’re 16 and you know it all and you’re in the “let’s have a good time” mode, you don’t stop to think of the consequences. When you’re 21, you’re old enough to know better, but still too young to care. I just turned 24, and realized that life was happening all around me and I was completely oblivious. There are things in my life that I want to accomplish, and there are things I want to experience that I haven’t yet, like seeing the beach and Savanna, GA.  I’d like to take a road trip to California, see Maine in the fall, go on a cruise, get married and have a family.  However, the most important thing in my life that I want to accomplish, is happiness. I want to be happy with myself, inside and out.  I want to like who I am and be satisfied that I lived the way I wanted to live. If I don’t make it as a lawyer and I end up working at the bank forever, as long as I am happy with my life, it won’t matter to me.  If I never have a million dollars in the bank and I live from paycheck to paycheck forever, then so be it, as long as I am happy. Life is too short to be unhappy and miserable. I have been dissatisfied with myself for far too long. So, I’m going to work on me, and fix what I don’t like, before I start on a career. After all, you have to crawl before you can walk, correct? I’m going to enjoy life, enjoy those I love, and be happy. I’m going to look for the happy in every situation and take the bad as it comes. 

One of the things that makes me the happiest is spending time at Heather and Billy’s and playing with Gage and Holden. I love kids, and those two I am particularly attached to.  When Holden says “Jessco,” because he can’t say my name, I want to squeeze his little face. And when Gage gives me a big hug and a kiss and tells me he loves me, I want to cry. Holden will climb over me 100 times and pull my hair and laugh and cuddle up under my arm on the couch to watch TV. Gage will show me how high he can jump and all his cool toys.  I watch them with Heather and Billy, and I want that. Someday, I want to be a mom. I want to kiss away boo-boos and be somebody’s safe place. I want to rewind monster trucks 17 times in an hour if that’s what makes he/she happy. I want to have a picture on my fridge that they drew for me. I may not be ready for that this year, or next year, or in 5 years, but someday. I want to be to somebody else what my parents were to me. And part of me wants to know that I have left something great behind when I’m gone.  So, from now on, what makes me happiest is what I will do. I’ll figure out my life in due time and it will fall into place, I am certain. I will do all the things I want, one day at a time. Patience is a virtue, after all, or so I’m told. I’m not gonna worry about it. Worrying gives you wrinkles, and it causes misery if you don’t do anything else but that. Things you can’t control you can’t worry about, you have to let them work out on their own.  Whether I end up being a successful lawyer, or a regular working mom, or a combination of such things, I will be happy.

Lastly, I advise all of you to find your happiness as well. Life is just too short not to. Tell someone you love them before it’s too late, forgive somebody you’ve held a grudge at, make peace with yourself and anyone else you need to. Love yourself, love others, and spend the rest of your life being as happy as you possibly can. Time will run out. If you live to be 100, it’s still not long enough. Don’t take life or the people in your life for granted, one day you may wake up and they will be gone. One day a storm can pass through your town and change everything you know, forever. Just remember what’s important to you, and who’s important to you. Make sure the people around you know how much they mean to you. There are no guarantees. Be grateful for what you have, and thank the Lord for it. Love more, live more, and pray more. I know I’m certainly going to. Family is important, friends are important, and they need to know that they are. Show them you appreciate them. Remind them you care. But most importantly, be happy. I know I don’t have it all figured out, and I don’t claim to, but I’ve learned from what I’ve seen unfold in a short time. Morgan Freeman said it best in The Shawshank Redemption, “Either get busy living, or get busy dying.” We all need to get busy living.     

Tim McGraw recently came out with a song that holds a lot of meaning to myself, and a few others I know. I want to post the lyrics here, because they do say so much, and maybe you can relate as well.

Better Than I Used to Be

I know how to hold a grudge,
I can send a bridge up in smoke.
And I can't count the people I've let down, the hearts I've broke.
You ain't gotta dig too deep,
If you wanna find some dirt on me.
But I'm learning who you've been,
Ain't who you've got to be.
It's gonna be an uphill climb,
Aww honey I won't lie.

I ain't no angel.
I still got a still few more dances with the Devil.
I’m cleanin up my act, little by little,
I’m getting there.
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see.
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get,
But I’m better than I used to be.

I’ve pinned a lot of demons to the ground,
Got a few old habits left.
But there’s still one or two, I might need you to help me get.
Standing in the rain so long has left me with a little rust.
But put some faith in me and someday you’ll see,
There’s a diamond under all this dust.

I ain't no angel.
I still got a still few more dances with the Devil.
I’m cleanin up my act, little by little,
I’m getting there.
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see.
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get,
But I’m better than I used to be.

I ain't no angel.
I still got a still few more dances, with the Devil.
But I’m cleanin up my act, little by little,
I’m getting there.
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see.
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get,
But I’m better than I used to be.


P.S. Thanks for reading!

A Sea of Blue: My First UK Game

Yes, that is indeed a picture of inside Rupp Arena on game day. And yes, it is from what I call the 'rafters.' But that is the only cost of free. I was desperate for some UK tickets, and I finally scored some free tickets from the bank. It's been a long and great season thus far of watching the games from my living room couch, but I wanted to experience first hand from where all the action happens.

The day started out pretty normal, I had to work, of course. But as soon I stepped out of the door of the bank and free for the weekend, my wheels were rolling toward Lexington. I stopped to pick up Auntie Char in London, my road trip buddy. We take off from time to time and disappear for a few hours, or a day or so. We laugh and reminisce and rock out to our favorite hits from the 70s.  Yes, I said 70s. That may be hard for some of you to believe, but if you know me at all, you know I don't discriminate against much music, and the 70s produced some of my favorite songs.

We were almost to Rupp Arena, and early I might add, as it was somewhere around 2:30 and the game started at 4:00, when I realized that neither of us had cash, which we had discovered earlier, and that we would need some to pay for parking. I am a huge fan of parking in the Hyatt garage and using the walkway to avoid people and weather. So, we traveled past Rupp, on down Broadway in search of a bank, or at the very least, an ATM. After driving a few miles, one surfaced. I pull through the wrong side, after noticing that the cop car parked in the parking lot was in fact empty, and let Auntie get us some cash. Back on the road again. And in the nick of time, too. Just after I went through the wrong way a car went in behind us haulin' ass. We just missed a head on collision. How 'bout that?

We get back to Rupp, park in my favorite lot, and make our way inside. Of course, I have to stop and look at the souvenirs. I couldn't help but compare it to a concert in a way. Millions of people, standing, drinking, mingling, and wasting money. The only difference, they were mostly all wearing blue, or a blue and white combination. It was a sea of blue, and one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. Hell, even I am drawn into the atmospheric phenom and purchase yet another UK shirt and a pom pom. We head toward our seats and are just lucky enough to walk by the ice cream shop. If the line hadn't been so long, I probably would have ventured to my seat with one, but I've been doing better with my eating habits, so I knew it was a sign I  wasn't supposed to have one today.

Auntie and I finally find our seats after walking up two flights of stairs. But hey, they were FREE. Did I mention they were free? Oh, so I did. Anyway, we sit down, and I am in awe. And heat, sort of. My sweat shirt is burning me alive. If I don't get this thing off I am going to spontaneously com-bust I think. I take it off and get settled, camera ready, phone ready, and I look around to see all the blue. I've never seen so much blue in one place in my life. My favorite color, all around me like a big blue blanket. It. Was. Magical. Down go the lights. I watch, mesmerized by the unfolding of the events. Lights are flashing, fans are cheering, announcers start calling off names of the players -- Davis, Lamb, Jones, Kidd-Gilchrist -- probably not in that order, but there they came. And each time, fireworks would go off from the ceiling. I was so excited.

After some more entertainment from the cheerleaders and the dance team and the kick-ass band (yes, any band that plays Cee Lo Green, Kansas, and Edgar Winter Group, all in the same sitting, they are kick-ass in my book), the game is underway. It went so fast! We were winning, I loved it! But then, low and behold, what would happen? People come in late, and inform me I am in their seats. And you know what? I was. That's right, it wouldn't be me if I didn't do something stupid ALL the time. I zigged when I should have zagged, in other words, I went left in the row instead of right and ended up in the wrong section. So half the people in the correct section had to get up during the game and let us through to the correct seats. They were NOT happy campers. But hey, did I mention I don't care? Everybody makes mistakes, geez! These seats were worse, however, we were packed in like sardines. At this point, I am even more glad that I took my sweatshirt off beforehand.

Game continues, bad calls and all. And we got some bad calls. If you were watching the game, you probably saw them. Here's what I noticed. I am ADD. Not technically, I mean I don't take medication, but I have a short attention span. So, I found myself unable to pay attention to the actual game at times because I was so busy watching and listening to my surroundings, something that never happens when I'm sitting on my couch. Also something I don't notice when I'm at home on my couch, how EVERYBODY in the arena stands up and yells simultaneously when there is a bad call. And, I do mean everybody. I was scared for the refs at this point. I mean, would you want that many angry people gunning for you? I wouldn't. These people were angry. REALLY angry. Especially the woman below me to my right, she was very distracting. The entire game she yelled, every 5 seconds like clockwork, "C'mon Cats!" repeatedly. Sometimes she would thrown in a "GET EEEEM!!!" when I wasn't expecting it. Then there were a couple times that she yelled at the refs.  I wondered if this woman thought that she could actually be heard. We were in section 230. Row T. Practically on the roof. The chance that any of the players or Coach Cal hearing her were about as slim as me not hearing her. But she was acting like she was Coach Cal's right hand here. And her patience was wearing thin. I thought at one time I wouldn't be able to stop myself from hitting her she was so obnoxious, but, she came to watch, just like me. I just wish she would have done it more quietly.

I turned my attention back to the game. It was half-time. I wanted an ice cream. But nobody in my row shuffled away like I had hoped, and I didn't want it bad enough to make them get up for me again. Another sign I didn't need it. So, Auntie and I made conversation and people watched, always a favorite past time. We decided that for free we would have sit in the main back row. You can't beat free, you just can't.  I watched all the little halftime show in amazement. The cheerleaders and the flips, the dancers and their synchronization. The band playing so awesome. I was taking it all in. And then, back to the game.

Everything after half time is a blur mostly. I remember several 3 point shots from Jones, cause he was on fire! And I remember jumping to my feet in unison with everybody else each time. I felt like I was a part of something. I felt like I belonged. We were pulling it off again, another home win. However, I did get upset with Wiltjer after those stupid goof-ups he made that almost caused us some real problems. My first thought was, "It ain't no wonder we ain't got that many white boys, they ain't got no game!" and my second thought was, "Why is he still in there? Does his dad have money or something?" Moments later, he made a 3 point shot, and I was like, "Oh. That's why." What? I had legitimate thoughts. The guys behind me were saying the same thing, so I wasn't alone.

Not long after, the game was over. Everyone scattered, and I just sat there. Watching. Reliving. That had to be the shortest game ever. But I guess it just felt that way because I was there, watching. No annoying commercials to sit through. Just basketball. It actually reminded me of how I used to feel when I played. I missed playing. I missed being a part of a team. And it hit me. I had watched religion. Everyone claims that high school football and Friday nights are a religion, well so is UK basketball. I guess I always knew that in a way, but watching it happen, seeing it first hand, a people coming together to celebrate an event, all thinking and feeling the same way, there to support their team, win or lose. Well, that's somewhat of a worshiping to me, and a way of life. I noticed people there of all ages, older people who were probably alumni or long-time fans. Small children dressed up in their UK gear and waving their pom poms and #1 hands, sporting blue hair and painted faces. It was the coolest thing ever. I remember thinking how closely related the feeling was to attending a concert for me. It was a show, a performance, people came to watch and enjoy themselves. The only difference is, they were all wearing the same color. It was one amazing game. I couldn't help but think about how I'd make it back for another. I wanted to experience this again. But from a closer seat. It occurred to me that was the first time I'd been in the 'cheap seats' at Rupp. My fear of heights doesn't help either.

We headed out of the Arena finally, watching the masses scatter. Traffic was murder of course, and so was finding somewhere to feed our starving faces that wasn't an hour wait. But we amused ourselves by coming up with things my dad would say if he were stuck in traffic. Dad can be so entertaining. We could hear him talking as if he was there, "Can you get that 100 foot rig out of the road? I just don't think you can," "Give it a little gas, it's that right pedal, there," "Well you dumb son of a b***h, can't you drive no better than that?" "Well what in the hell is going on here? Have you ever seen the beat of this in your life?" And of course there a few more with some choice words I won't use. My dad is very fun to travel with.

All in all, it was a great experience. I loved it, I will go back, and I can't wait. Maybe this weekend if I can. But, as I sit here watching it snow, I think I better get up and start doing a few things in case my 'juice' goes out.  Thanks for reading!

<3 Peace!

Oh, Happy Day!.....NOT

SO. As most of you know, I took my LSAT for the second time yesterday. And I'm sure you all saw my post on Facebook about how awful it was. And some of you even commented on it to tell me how much faith you had in me and how well I probably did. And while I do appreciate that ever so much, and it warms my heart that I have such wonderful friends, I must now explain a few things about my day, why I think I did so horrible, and some other notes about my potential in law school.

My day started out pretty well. As most of you know, I spent the night with one of my best friends in this world Courtney (Tennill) Kleppinger. She lives a mile or so from UK where I went to take the LSAT. She took time out of her own day, to get up and make me made-from-scratch pancakes, and then take me and drop me off so that I wouldn't have to be lost on the campus or park in a paid lot.

Two problems.

1.) They listed the wrong address on my LSAT admission ticket. So even Courtney who goes to UK everyday got lost. We barely made it to the building on time, by the grace of God I might add, since the only place we were able to find the building was on Courtney's UK map, and it only loaded so fast on her phone because we just happened to be in front of the hospital where her phone recognized Wi-Fi.

2.) As I am walking toward the door, I realize, I have no driver's license and I turn to see Courtney turning left and driving away.

My first thought, I admit, was "SHIT!" It suddenly dawned on me and I had a flashback from my first LSAT experience where they told my classroom of semi-eager test takers that they had turned away a gentlemen who had forgotten his 'valid ID'. My second thought was, "That's gonna be me. Thousands of dollars in tutoring and expenses and I am the dumbass who forgot to bring their driver's license." Then I realized....Oh wait, I didn't drive. A valid excuse. But not good enough I knew.

I race into the building to the moderator and ask for a telephone, which is actually problem #3. We aren't allowed to have cell phones and why would I need one when I have a taxi? So this bitchy lady dialed the only number I could remember on her phone. She wouldn't let me dial it, which I thought was retarded. But guess what, that wasn't Courtney's number. I had actually forgotten a number. What was happening to me? She's had the same number for like ever, and I guess my phone had been dialing it instead of me, so..I forgot it. I did remember her house number, so I asked to call her house. My phone was on silent and would have done me no good at this point. The woman yet again, dialed the number for me as if I was incapable. Courtney's dad answered and I blurt out my problem. He told me her cell number, so I call and amazingly she answers. THANK GOD!

Now, here is the next problem. She's lost trying to get home. She wouldn't tell me that, but she didn't have to. I know Courtney, and I read it in her voice. I was playing with MINUTES. And Courtney was about to pass out from stress. I told her what was going on, and again with help from God, the only possible explanation, Courtney was able to make it back to her house and back to the building in time for me to be admitted. I was 'late' but I was admitted. But I was a mess. I couldn't breathe from all the running and racing to make it back to the building. I had been crying because I thought it was all over. I was nervous as hell because of all that had happened and shaking all over. And this is how I must begin the most important test of my career. I tried to remain calm. I tried to focus. But, my pep talk to myself didn't really do a whole lot of good.

So, they call the first section of the test. Automatically it is the arguments section. I had been trained for this. But my adrenaline is still pumping and my mind is running away with me. I'm still in panic mode. I tried to pace myself and do as I'd been taught by my wonderful tutor. But my mind was playing tricks on me. I couldn't focus. I was having to read each question two and three times. Time started running out...and I was screwed.

They call the second section. The games. I had spent hours on this. I did the first one. I think I did well on it. And then, the rest I looked at, didn't look anything like what I had been trained in. I tried to do a couple more. And I just failed. This really blew my self esteem. I just gave up pretty much.

They called the third section. Arguments, again. I tried to move faster and focus better, not have to read the questions as many times, answer more questions. But, still didn't do very well. I could feel it. Panic.

So, break time. I get 15 minutes to collect my thoughts, and talk myself into doing better. I say to my self, "Self, you got this. Don't let yourself fall victim to a little stress. You can do this. Focus. Read. Breathe. Just do it."

They call section four. More arguments. And my mind goes, "What the hell? Last time I had two arguments and two games..." Now, for all you confused folks, let me give you some background on the LSAT. There are 4 scored sections and an 'experimental' section. The experimental section can be a duplicate of either of the other sections, but the four scored sections HAVE to be two arguments, one games, and one reading comprehension.  It dawned on me I had spent like 10 hours of tutoring on games and 3 hours on arguments, for ONE freaking games section. Seriously? Can this day get ANY worse?

Wrong question to ask myself. Cause it did. The fifth and final multiple choice section, was reading comprehension. And, it was hard. No passage was understandable. It was like I was reading Spanish. And I can't read Spanish, just like I couldn't read and comprehend and understand what those passages were talking about. All I could think about was how bad I was going to do. I practically gave up in my mind, but I still tried to answer the questions. None of them made sense. But I still tried. I didn't give up.

And then, the final section. The 35 minute writing prompt. I did better on that, if nothing else. That's the only positive. However, that isn't even part of my score. That's just punishment. But I finished.

On the way out of the building, my mind starts going into depression mode. I lost focus again, just trying to find my way out of the building. I got lost and went out every door except the one I came in. I finally found it, and thank God I was wearing bright blue colors and Courtney could spot me because she had to chase me down. I was in such a horrid shape, that I couldn't even find my way back out of the building. And I have an amazing sense of direction. Ask Courtney, I was able to find a restaurant on the outskirts of Lexington on Friday, that I had only been to ONCE and two years ago.

If Courtney and her husband, Jonathan, whom she brought back as insurance that we would not get lost on the way home, will tell you the truth, they will tell you, that had they not known me and my personality, they would probably have thought I was on hard drugs when I came out of the test. I was a mess. I called my tutor and left a voicemail that sounded something like a rant from someone with Delirium Tremens.  I called my family, but nobody answered. I texted my brother and told him I failed. He was a little more supportive and tried to keep me positive.

Courtney and I had planned to go somewhere after the test. But I was in no shape to drive. That was a first. I told her that, too. I said, "Court, can you drive? I can't. I really don't think I am safe to be behind the wheel of a car." So, she was eager to make me feel better. We got in her car, and headed toward Hamburg. I called my mom, no answer. I called my dad, he did answer. I wish he hadn't. The one person I needed to tell me that it was OK, did not tell me it was OK. I went through another somewhat drunken sounding rant, talking 10 times faster than normal as if I had just snorted an Oxy. And his response was, "Well, you never listen. We all told you that it was gonna be harder and you couldn't do what you're doing and pass but you know everything...." and he basically gave me a lecture. I just started crying profusely. Courtney was heartbroken for me. I just hung up the phone. I couldn't believe it. I needed my dad, and he gave me an "I told you so." I wanted to throw myself in front of a bus. But I couldn't, Courtney was driving. So, I just sat there and cried.

Courtney found me some tissues and tried to give me her best pep talk. It worked for a while. She always makes me laugh and gives me something to smile about.  She told me, "Jessica, you don't have anything to be sad about. You GOT IN to the test, when really, you almost didn't make it. You took the test. You prepared for it. You did all you can do. You have nothing to feel bad about today." She drove us to Outback where I drowned my sorrows in bread and butter and steak. I finally started getting some color back in my face. I had brought some things to return across the street at Victoria's Secret and Kohl's. We had decided to watch a movie to take my mind off things. I found some Wildcat stuff on sale at Wildcat Warehouse, too. That made my day better. A sweatshirt, a tee shirt, and a bracelet for 26 bucks. Not a bad purchase. Then the best part, I found 3 pairs of boots at Kohl's for $39. I love Clearance. And I know you ALL are thinking, "she has 90 pairs of shoes." Well, you are correct. But as depressed as I was, that was the only thing that had a remote chance of making me feel better. Shoe shopping at bargain prices does wonders for me. Plus, my tutor, Clarissa, called me back and gave me a pep talk too. She's been really great, and she made my day better.

We went to the movies to load up on calories and diet pop. We chose The Vow, a good chick flick. Or, so we thought. I was crying within the first 15 minutes. Again contemplating the bus idea. Why am I torturing myself? Lord. Have. Mercy. It ended on a better note but still not as I'd liked. Then I saw it was a true story. Damn, maybe life wasn't so bad after all. It could be worse, I could wake up and have lost 5 years of my life. Oh, wait. Maybe that was a good idea.

Anyhow, we came out of the movie, it was dark, cold, and snowing. I knew it was time to head out. I had drove her crazy enough. I needed to drive, think, and crank some music. That was normally how I dealt with things. On the way home I saw this place called Orange Leaf, some yogurt joint everybody had been talking about.  I mentioned it, and Court realized I'd never been there, so we dumped a bowl of yogurt onto Nachos, popcorn and a river of diet pop. I felt froggy, obviously, so I dumped into my bowl...brownie batter and birthday cake yogurt, with Butterfinger pieces and cookie dough. YUM. We sat there and ate the whole bowl. And watched some strange couple with a TINY girl who looked 12, if that old, and a boy who looked about 16.

It. Was. Odd.  But highly entertaining. Courtney and I are too much alike. We enjoy the smallest things, like people watching and exchanging looks of laughter and agreement.

I get back to her house, get my stuff, and get on the road. She gives me one last pep talk. The best yet. And some Dove caramel chocolates for the road. I love her. And I would love to live behind her in her guest house and see her everyday, making Pinterest recipes and walking to school together. But I realize, that dream is probably far away if my LSAT scores are as bad as I think.

I start out driving, jamming some random playlist on m iPod, trying to sort through the day in my mind and some of the things that Courtney had said that had made sense. I try to form some sort of a plan, but it is of course, too early to form one for sure. Something Court did say was that if I am meant to be a lawyer, I will be one. So, I just have to wait it out. I don't know that I will get into UK as I'd hoped, but there are other schools. I don't know that I can put myself through the torture of another standardized test, as one of the thoughts running through my mind is the possibility that maybe I just don't test well in those circumstances, but who knows.

The point is, I survived it, not once but twice. I gave it everything I had under the stress of a full time job and family issues. I did all that I can do. Will it be good enough for UK? I doubt it. Is it good enough for me? Yep. And I'm the only one that matters. It's my future, and I know I will make it happen, regardless of my parents or my friends or some panel of teachers that think I'm stupid because I don't give a rat's ass about how many dresses hang on what hanger in Sally's closet (one of my games questions). I am intelligent, I am a thinker, and I am a long way from letting a stupid test score define my future. It's mine and only I can define me.

But I do owe Courtney. She saved my life yesterday. And she never lets me down. If you read this Court, thank you, and I love you. You are my hero. Now, time to get my life back in order. Thanks for reading!

Inspirational song for this post:

Even If It Breaks Your Heart

Way back on the radio dial,
the fire got lit inside a bright-eyed child.
Every note just wrapped around his soul,
from steel guitars to Memphis, all the way to rock and roll.

Ohhh, I can hear em playin'.
I can hear the ringin' of a beat up ol' guitar.
Ohhh, I can hear em singin',
"Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart."

Downtown is where I used to wander.
Old enough to get there but too young to get inside.
So I would stand out on the sidewalk,
listen to the music playin' every Friday night.

Ohhh, I can hear em playin'.
I can hear the ringin' of a beat up ol' guitar.
Ohhh, I can hear em singin',
"Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart."

Some dreams stay with you forever,
drag you around but bring you back to where you were.
Some dreams keep on gettin' better,
gotta keep believin' if you wanna know for sure.

Ohhh, I can hear em playin'.
I can hear the ringin' of a beat up ol' guitar.
Ohhh, I can hear em singin',
"Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart."

Ohhh, I can hear em playin'.
I can hear the ringin' of a beat up ol' guitar.
Ohhh, I can hear em singin',
"Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart."

Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart.

Ohhh oh oh.
Ohhh oh ohh.

Keep on dreamin'.

What is Love?

While I most definitely have more important things to do, like sleeping, I have been in a writing mood all day. Especially since I helped a friend look over a paper this morning and was reminded that I used to do it more. I miss writing. Not necessarily for school, but I miss having something to say that doesn’t require a question such as “How much do you want to deposit?”

When considering topics, I thought about Pinterest. Not the website itself, but I get ideas for everything else on there, why not a topic? It would seem as most of the ‘repins’ as they are called, were relating to love tonight. All kinds of love. Not just between a man and a woman. So I suppose, that is just a good a place as any to start.

First of all, what is love? Not the horrendous song from back in the day. Haddaway didn’t know jack about the real thing.

Is it something you can touch? Something you feel? Something you can see? Those are all possible, but not for certain. Too often love is mistaken for a strong ‘like’ in my opinion. I would say I ‘love’ macaroni and cheese, but what does it really do for me? It satisfies a craving once in a while, stops a hunger pain, and the taste is indeed something made of awesome. But does it love me back? Not at all. It instead is filled with awful calories that really just want to find my hips and stay there. I would say I ‘love’ shopping. But does shopping love me back? Oh, please. I have enough credit card debt for 3 people. Thank you, Maurices and Victoria’s Secret. You don’t love me, you just want my money. That boy you dated in high school you thought you ‘loved’ after a month, well, that lasted about another month after you saw he really wasn’t what you thought, or he cheated on you. I hear 13-year-olds right now tell their mothers they ‘love’ so-and-so. Really? I don’t think so.

Love may be something different to most everyone. It may be that feeling you get when you pull fresh sheets out of the dryer. It may be the sound your puppy makes when he hears you come home. It may be and more than likely is the smile on your child’s face.  But love, has such a deeper meaning than just that.

Love is magical. It can be painful but it can also be the best feeling on earth. I’ve often heard the saying ‘you don’t know what love is until you have a child’. And while I am sure this is true to some extent, I know people who don’t have a child at all, but I bet you they have loved or been loved in their lifetime. There are many types of love, you know. I love my dad more than anything on earth. I love my mom most of the time. My brother is my best friend and I love him dearly. My friends I also love to the moon and back. But there is still love that awaits me—my true love.

I would like to think that I have loved in my life, I did have a boyfriend for almost 3 years. I know I am capable. I know I am willing. I know that somewhere out there among those millions of people there is at least one more soul that matches mine closely enough. And I believe I will know when I find it. It is so easy to mistake love. You can love someone and not be ‘in love’ with them. So often our ideas of love are tainted by the works of Hollywood and the writings of those who want to share their talent. But, I don’t think we really know until we are there. That’s why the saying goes that ‘when you find it, you will know’.

I know I have an idea of love, and I know what love most certainly is not.

Love is not abusive, love is not selfish, love is not mean, love is not deceitful. Love is not putting yourself first.

Love is knowing that you are safe. That no matter what happens, that person will protect you if they can. Love is looking at someone, and realizing that your life would not be the same were they not in it. Love is being there for someone no matter what turn their life has taken, and loving them through it. Love is making someone stronger with your love for them. Love is encouragement, love is a smile, and love is a laugh when you need it the most. Love is giving and not expecting anything in return. Love is knowing you can trust that person with your heart and your deepest secrets. Love is not judging, but accepting. Love is being so connected to someone that you can spend hours without having to say a word, because a gentle, peaceful quiet is all you need.  But at the same time, love is being able to talk for hours and never running out of things to say. Love is real. Love is that feeling the minute someone touches or kisses you, and knowing that your life will never be the same. And true love, my friends, is a bond that is unbreakable.

I believe that sadly, most of the time love is one sided, but sometimes you get lucky enough to have your love reciprocated just as deeply. I believe that fate and destiny play a big role in life, and love. I believe that with love, all things really are possible.

I will leave you with the most famous quote about love, just some food for thought:

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;
love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly;
it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails...But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7,13

P.S. Like I would really leave without a song lyric? Psht…

One of my favorites! From King George himself…

I Cross My Heart

Our love is unconditional, we knew it from the start.
I see it in your eyes, you can feel it from my heart.
From here on after let's stay the way we are right now,
And share all the love and laughter
That a lifetime will allow.

I cross my heart and promise to
Give all I've got to give to make all your dreams come true.
In all the world you'll never find a love as true as mine.

You will always be the miracle that makes my life complete,
And as long as there's a breath in me, I'll make yours just as sweet.
As we look into the future, it's as far as we can see,
So let's make each tomorrow be the best that it can be.

I cross my heart and promise to
Give all I've got to give to make all your dreams come true.
In all the world you'll never find a love as true as mine.

And if along the way we find a day it starts to storm,
You've got the promise of my love to keep you warm.
In all the world you'll never find a love as true as mine,
A love as true as mine.

­--George Strait