Welcome to the World Baby Dave

Killian Ray Sandlin. That’s what they named you. Against my wishes, and generous offer of financial support.

Sort of.

Don’t get me wrong, I love your middle name, because you were named after two of the greatest men I have ever known and loved, your great grandfather, Billy Ray Day, and your grandfather, Raymond. But your first name; Lawd, Jesus. It just hasn’t grown on me yet. It wasn’t what I expected. But I love you anyway, so don’t be angry with me. I begged your mother to change it. I offered money. I did a sacrifice to the Gods. Well, maybe not that last one. But the thought crossed my mind. Anything that I could think of. But, alas, you went home in an outfit that had Killian printed on it. And you, baby boy, were beautiful, despite the name I found less than favorable. So, I took to calling you Baby Dave. Your mother said that was acceptable. Sorry in advance.

Allow me to introduce myself: I’m your Aunt Jess. Not by blood, unfortunately, but your mother is my best friend in the entire world. When I say best friend, I mean, she’s the Thelma to my Louise. The Monica to my Rachel. The Blanche and Rose to my Dorothy and Sophia. You’ll get all these references at some point in your life, but right now you just need to know that even though she ain’t blood, she’s my family. You will need some background on this. I’ll start there.

Picture it. Wooton. 2015. It was late one night. Your dad’s cousin Timmy had bought a house with his soon to be wife, Maddie. We were all hanging out, looking at the house.  Your mother was leaning against the wall. ANGRY. And when I say angry, I mean angry. Her RBF (I’ll explain that when you’re older, too) was wayyyyyyy off the charts that night. We made eye contact. OH. DEAR. GOD. She hates me. I can tell. She must think I have been flirting with Dave. That’s a no. Wonder why she don’t like me? Hrmmm. Maybe I can be funny. Tried that. Eye contact. NOPE. That didn’t work. Ok, I guess she’s just gonna hate me then. Moving on.

Your dad and Timmy were partners in a local café. Your family is super close, and it’s a great and beautiful thing. They kinda took me in, which is even better. That’s how we all became friends. Your mother came into the café one night when I was there. She was wearing a Brantley Gilbert concert tee shirt. SCORE. I KNOW WHAT WE CAN TALK ABOUT. OMG. YAY. You will never know this side of me because it is now long gone, but I used to hate when people didn’t like me. Now, well, hahahahaha. Let’s all laugh together.

Anywho. I try talking to your mother again. I strike up a conversation. About concerts. Perfection. SUCCESS. This time goes much better. We talk all about our love for concerts and music. Next thing I know, me, her, your Aunt Ashley and Maddie were bonding over a mushmellon campfire until 1 in the morning at the café. I wasn’t partaking in the mushmellon because I find them gross and not delightful in the least. I was the only one not partaking in the mushmellon campfire, but the important part of the story is that we were making great conversation AND I MADE HER LAUGH. Because, well, I’m funny. Hysterical, really, you will see.

DID WE JUST BECOME BEST FRIENDS?! Yep. We did. I’ll let your mother school you on that reference, someday. HINT: she’s a HUGE fan of the movie this quote is from.

So anywho. I don’t know when it happened. That night was just the start. But somehow, in a very short time, between a very unhealthy addiction to Lilly Pulitzer, concerts, memes, 90s country music, and sarcasm – your mother and I became best friends. It’s like one day I met her, and the next day, I couldn’t live without her. I didn’t know how I managed to survive without having her in my life all those years. Like, she got me. She just automatically knew who I was. Like she peered her eyes into my soul or something just as insane. That was 4 years ago. Now, we’re just family. I attend family functions and its accepted. She’s my sister, and I love her. I would take a bullet for her, jump in front of a moving car, pretty much anything I could do to save her, and I’d do it without thinking twice. That’s a weird thing to say, I know. But, it’s true. This is the emotional part of the story. The joke is on your mother if she is reading this right now because she hates it when I’m emotional, and even more when I make her emotional. The day you were born, she told me the night before that if I got emotional she was kicking me out of the room. She’s a tad bit moody sometimes. Super dramatic. Sorry, kiddo, you get to live with that.

So here goes. Your mother has seen me through some rough times. Divorce. Heartbreaks. Sickness. Failures. Deaths. New jobs. Happy times. Every major life event I’ve had in the last 4 years pretty much, and there have been many. MANY. This is how great your mother is. The day I was supposed to get my bar exam results back, she and your Aunt Ashley and I went to Nashville. I knew I was going to get bad results and I wanted to be somewhere happy. We left early. I got the results around noon. We were in the mall. I failed. They sat with me while I cried. They gave me pep talks. They sat with me at George Jones’ grave while I cried some more. Your mother picked up my pieces. And it wouldn’t be the first time. When I passed the bar, we celebrated. We have best friend pictures. When I got divorced, she got me through. When I had my first heartbreak thereafter, she sat with me and cried again, and reminded me who I was and that it was not the end of my life. She read an uplifting book and she underlined all the quotes in it for me that she wanted me to see. She never lets me down. She did background checks on all the men who dared to talk to me. She made threats. She gave death stares. She picked up my broken pieces so many times. Now, she has a tracker on my phone and she makes sure she doesn’t lose me and I don’t die. She can reason with me and help me make decisions and most importantly, she judges me, all day err day and my clothing choices. Once she even offered to burn a skirt for me. Real friendship right there. She protects me. She loves me. She knows me inside and out, and we have a bond that I’ve only ever seen in movies. And truthfully, it is one of the best things about my life. I know that no matter what, she is a constant, and I can count on her to always be in my life. I think that’s why I love you so much. Because you came from this person who has been one of the biggest blessings in my life and who has helped me get my life back together so many times. She saved me. She saves me every day in some way. And I am there for her, just as much as I can be, and just as much as she lets me be. She will tell you that. She knows how much I love her and Dave, and your family. They are family to me. And I wouldn’t trade them for anything on earth. And I would do anything on this earth for you.

Now that you’re caught up, let’s talk about you! YAY. It was a very exciting day the day you came. Your mother told me not to be there until 10:30 but I got there a little early. Originally, I was supposed to transport your grandpa Jr. and Aunt Anna to the hospital, but as unfortunate circumstances would have it, he had to have a little procedure and had not been released from the hospital yet. So, I went over to help your Grammy Val occupy your Aunt Anna. She’s gonna read this someday, too, and probably kill me. But I wouldn’t trade her either. She was wild that day. But SO excited to meet you.  She begged for you to come on out. We were all a little anxious for your arrival, but none more anxious than Anna. She fed me more junk food than I’d eaten probably since a road trip with your mother. Gummies. Dried up yogurt things that made me want to vomit. Blueberry puffs. Reese Cups. Cow tales. Starbursts. You name it. I ate it. I also found some of it weeks later in my purse. I ate that, too. No shame.

ROCK! PAPER! SCISSORS! JESSICA! SHOOT!

JESSICA! WATCHU DRINKIN?

JESSICA! WATCHU EATIN?

WHERE YOU GET THAT GUM?

HOW YOU GET HERE?

I LIKE THAT RING, WHO BUY THAT FOR YOU?

I LIKE YOUR NECKLACE, WHO MADE DAT?

JESSICA! I BRUSH YOUR HAIR.

JESSICA! YOU HUNGRY?

I finally got to the bathroom. JESSICA!!!! WATCHU DOIN IN THERE?! YOU COMIN’ OUT? YOU PEEING? COME OUT JESSICA!!! This actually brought back memories of when your cousin Laura Jane, or as we call her, LJ was born, and Dave tried to use the bathroom until Anna beat the door down while we all laughed. So fun.

We had to leave the room for the epidural to be inserted. Anna is in charge. JESSICA! LETS GO NOW! YOU GET UP! She was a bossy little thing. I tried to get her take a nap. Many times. No dice. She brushed my hair. She gave me a tattoo with an eyeliner pen. She put makeup on me when Ashley got done giving your mother a makeover. Your mother looked dead for a minute, but it was a little funeral parlor-esque in there. She was quite hateful. I opted not to bring my pocket knife in case she tried to use it to stab your father. Dave was not on her good list there for a hot minute.

She asked me what I was drinking when I first came in. It was an energy drink, in preparation for what I knew would be a long day. Before I could answer, Grammy Val told her it was beer. Because apparently, beer is bad, but energy drinks are good. So…I became the drunk in the room, pretty much all day. Such a fun joke to tell everyone. JESSICA IS DRINKING BEER. Yes, at 10 AM. And I continuously run into things so that didn’t help the joke. Actual quote from Grammy Val, “Well, if you hadn’t drunk all that beer this morning…” No, I’d still be running into everything because I can’t stand up in an acre of ground. Drunk or sober, that’s just who I am.

At one point, I’m on my phone and I hear Grammy Val say, “Why can’t you eat that like a normal person?” Because Anna dissects her food. Cow Tales. Reese Cups. She takes it allllllllll apart and eats it separately, or not at all. But that wasn’t near as entertaining as Britt on the Fentanyl drip. Daddy Dave told us the nurses told her it would be an hour. That an hour was the ‘sweet spot.’ Of course, Grammy Val being Val says, “well, if it gets any sweeter than that…” because it was epically clear that Britt felt nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch. And, that was much better than the alternative that we had previously seen. And maannnnnn kiddo were you slooooowwwww making it out. We waited allllllllllll day. Just like we did for LJ. About the same amount of time, maybe a little longer. I guess you just weren’t ready. But, you were so worth the wait.

I had left the hospital but when it got close to show time, your father text me to tell me to come back. I raced back to the hospital from over 10 miles away on a curvy, insane road, near dusk. I turned my flashers on, and probably ran people off the road. My brakes were hot. When I got out of the car at the hospital I was in cowboy boots and I ran all the way inside, and practically ran through the elevator wall. I crashed into it, technically, but the lady I almost fell into was nice enough to hit the button to the 3rd floor because I was trying to breathe. The elevator doors open. I ran toward the delivery room doors only to be stopped and told I wouldn’t be allowed in. ALL THAT TROUBLE AND I AM GOING TO MISS IT. I was a little upset. So was your Aunt Ashley. We tried to sneak in several ways. We failed. But hey, it’s the thought that counts.

It was a short hour or so to us, but what I imagine was a very long hour for your mother, and there you were. Several of us were waiting outside the nursery window watching for you. When they came wheeling you in, you’d have thought somebody flipped a switch outside. All of us were crying. Well, except Anna. But I could feel my heart exploding with love for you. You were so beautiful. I don’t have any children of my own. At least not at the time of this publication and the way my life goes, when you read this I will probably be the fun Aunt who has no children but who is always a good time. Maybe not. Life is funny sometimes. I just know that watching you in there, I couldn’t wait to hold you.

Once they got your mother settled, we all poured in, but it was close to the end of visiting hours, so I think you got passed around for a quick (but ever so important) 15 minutes before everyone exited. I caught the first pictures of your daddy holding you, and your Grammy and a few others, and I caught some excellent photos of you and your mama after everyone left. I was just overwhelmed with emotion holding you. I’m sure I said something meaningful and emotional at the time, but I couldn’t tell you what it was now. You were so perfect. And I knew I would love you forever.

You’ve been here three months now, and it doesn’t seem real. You can hold your head up by yourself. You can roll over by yourself. You are only soothed by the sounds of Ice Cube, thanks to your very 90s rap enthused mother. But you are my little nephew that I love and cherish and see as much as I can. I went to visit you a few weeks ago, and I sang you to sleep with Tyler Childers. Don’t worry, I will educate you on GOOD music someday. But what a wonderful feeling it was getting you to sleep and having you fall asleep on me. I would have sat there all night if I could have. Getting chosen to be your aunt and getting to watch you grow up is one of my greatest blessings.

The sad part of this story, is that not long after you were born, a short few weeks ago, we lost your grandpa. Raymond “Big Jr.” Standafer he was known as. But he loved you something fierce. He was a fighter, he was strong, and he was a good man, despite his own opinions of himself. His opinions were known to be a little skewed at times. But, he was so proud to be your Grandpa. And I know, that no matter what happens, he will ALWAYS be watching over you from above, and keeping you and LJ and all your family safe. You are so lucky to be born into the two families you were. And so, so blessed. You are so loved, kiddo. You will never know how much.

I hate to end here. It’s been a fun story to tell. But always know that I will love you and I will be here for you as long as I draw breath. You may not be my blood, but you are my nephew. I may not be a fan of your first name, but I love your guts, little man. I hope someday, by some miracle of God I am able to become a mom, and give you a little kid to play with. But, if that doesn’t happen, you will still be loved no matter what, and you will always be important to me. I am a lot of things, but loyal is one of the most important, and when I love, I love hard. It’s a blessing and a curse. But you, sweet boy, will always be one of my loves, and one of my favorite stories. Don’t grow up too fast, Aunt Jess can’t take it.  I love you big, kiddo.

Love,

Aunt Jess.

A Life Well Lived: A Tribute to Billy Ray Day

I don’t even know where to begin. I sit here with tears in my eyes, wishing so hard that it was a dream. A nightmare. People I love are hurting. People who are important to me, who feel like my family, are grieving. It still doesn’t seem like it’s even real. One of the best men to ever walk this earth has moved on to the beautiful gates of Heaven, and all who loved him are left with a gaping hole to fill.

I thought for days on what I could do for the family to bring them some peace and comfort. Flowers just wilt and die; there are only so many quilts and pictures or figurines you can make room for, which still seem to only stand as a reminder of what one has lost. So, instead, I write this, because words last forever, and words are the best gift I can give. And also, because it is so well deserved.

I haven’t known Billy Ray as long as some, but I can honestly say he touched my life, in more ways than one. I don’t think I knew how much until I was standing in line at his visitation, watching the multitude of people shuffle in and out, and realizing how many lives he had touched during his time on earth.

I guess it was around early 2015 when I started frequenting Red Light Café, which was family owned by two of Billy Ray’s grandsons, Timmy and Dave. It was a nice place to sit down and have a meal with friends and it became like an episode of Cheers to me, because no matter who in the family was working, there was always someone great to talk to while enjoying something greasy or sweet, depending on the mood. I spent so much time there, I became close with the entire family, and for the next almost 4 years, that Café and those people became an integral part of my life. Even through my divorce, none of them chose a side, but instead, respected our decision. Even when I had lost friends of 10 years and upwards of over 20 years, I never lost one member of the Day family. They never treated me differently, but loved me just as much as they ever did.

During that 4 years I was present for and well-involved in many family gatherings, including birthday parties, showers, weddings, and even the birth of the first great-grandchild, Laura Jane. I have never seen a closer, stronger, more tight-knit and loving family than the Day family. It was something to envy, but, more importantly, something to be respected and admired, and something to strive for in life. Since during that time the grandchildren and their significant others were my best friends, there were many other gatherings and nights out with us all together as well, and we all became like family. One thing I can say for sure is that when you become a part of the Day family, you’re a part of something beautiful and amazing, strong and solid, and something to forever hold on to. Over time, I grew to think of Billy Ray and Peggy like my own grandparents. I called them Granny and Grandpa, and always made it a point to talk to them a while at gatherings and we would all have a big time. Billy Ray and I would talk politics and joke about Peggy. They were the sweetest couple, and a truly wonderful example for everyone of how marriage should be.

Those few days are mostly a blur for me so I can only imagine what they were like for the Day family. From the minute I heard the news, I was completely heartbroken. I can’t even put into words what a loss this was, not only for the Day family, but the entire community, the entire county. Billy Ray was one of the most well-known and most highly respected men in the county, and for good reason. He was a faithful, loving, kind, caring, humble man, and he made a difference in the life of every person he met. He touched the lives of everyone who knew him, and even some who didn’t. That was all blatantly obvious by the number of people who rotated through his visitation.

You know, I go to a lot of visitations, or wakes, as we call them in Eastern Kentucky, far more than I would like. But, when you are raised as a politician’s daughter and you’ve worked in the public for some 10+ years, you get to know a lot of people, and you feel it is both a privilege and a duty to pay your respects. This was no ordinary visitation, however, this one was so different. This one was Grandpa Billy Ray’s. And, since losing both my own grandfathers, I was so blessed and honored to feel like a part of his family, and feel like someone he seemed to enjoy.

I got to the visitation around 6:00 p.m., with the doors opening around 5:00, and I stood in line for over an hour to talk to the family, who were gathered around this angel of a man. Others I knew stood in line up to an hour and a half. The line was continuous until around 9:00 p.m. when the funeral home was closing. There were so many people attending, that many were parking at the car wash (a long distance) and walking that far to pay their respects. Every available parking lot around and empty space (or anything remotely resembling a space) was full. As many of these as I have attended, I have honestly never seen anything like it in my life. I have never seen that many people at the funeral home. It is a testament to show how loved and respected this man really was. I can only hope that when I am called home to be with the Lord, I am as loved and admired as Billy Ray Day was.

The funeral was awful hard. Truthfully, I don’t frequent funerals. I try my best to leave it at the visitation, if possible, unless it’s my family, or someone I consider family. I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older, that time on earth is guaranteed for no one, and the older I get, the more people I continue to lose. Funerals have become harder to sit through, just watching everyone suffer.  However, if a funeral can, in fact, be a celebration of life, that was exactly what this was, a celebration of the 83 years Grandpa spent on this earth, touching the lives of so many people and building a family so precious and beautiful. I haven’t cried that much in a long time, especially all at once, but on the other hand, I have never laughed that much at a funeral either. Yet, it was as normal and loving as any laughter I have ever heard or expressed. What a grand mixture of emotions it was, but what a superb tribute this man was given.

I learned a lot about Grandpa. I learned most importantly, that nobody had a bad word to say about Billy Ray Day.

Not. One. Person.

Not. One. Bad. Word.

Let that sink in for a minute. What a magnificent accomplishment it is, and what a rare thing it is, to not have one ounce of criticism or an ill word for a man who has lived 83 years, who has been in both small business serving the public, and also a public servant in politics.

That. Speaks. Volumes.

Not that I’m at all surprised. What an extreme honor, to leave this world with no one having a cruel word to say about you, but only good thoughts and brags and a testament to the character and integrity of such a noble man. In fact, the only bad things (which are yet to be confirmed, I’ll add) was how he once (I’m going with accidentally) killed a deer on government property, or maybe (also unconfirmed) got an extra deer over tag while hunting with his grandson, and I’m not sure that even qualifies as a bad word, more like an observation of sorts. I saw so many smiles and so much laughter during the speeches given about Billy Ray. So many wonderful memories that so many people fondly hold of this man. I heard the word ‘legacy’ used to describe his life, and I don’t think another word could ever describe it more accurately.  

His grandsons and nephews, his son-in-law, and a very special friend all spoke of what a wonderful man he was, what a phenomenal and patient man he was, of all he had done for them in their lives, of all he did for the community. Billy Ray had ran a service station for 37 years, giving all he could during that time to those in the community, charging less than others would have, not worrying about money or greed, but instead, working to help the people. He also helped as magistrate of the 3^rd district, where he worked alongside my dad who was a magistrate at that time. My father has always held such high respect and admiration for him, not only as a colleague, but, as his friend, as a man of his word, as a man who worked so hard to help others, and a man who never failed to be there when he needed him. It is amazing the number of lives this man has touched. Yet, he was so humble, he had no idea how great he was or how wide his grace had spread.

I heard a lot of strong words used at his memorial – meek, mild, humble, integrity, honest, successful, loving, caring, patient, wise, faithful, devoted – all words that one can only hope to hear being used to describe themselves. Although he wasn’t there in body to hear them, I know he was there in spirit, watching over all of those grieving and celebrating his legacy. I can see him smile so big right now, so full of humility, humbled at what wonderful things people were saying about him. He had one of the biggest, best, warmest smiles on earth, and it made everyone around him want to smile. His smile lit up a room like nothing else. I will miss his smile. I will miss our conversations. I will miss his laugh. I will miss… him. He was one of a kind.

One of my favorite stories told at the funeral was how he loved to give advice. He had the biggest heart and always had this drive and will to help people in some way, no matter how small. A man with a heart like that is rare, and will be remembered and treasured throughout the test of time. He was a man with a heart so big, that he waited until the last person got there that day before he let go of his time on this earth. How strong this man was, and how much he loved his family. There is not a doubt in my mind how much. No matter what, no matter how much his patience was tested – whether a son in law tore up his vehicle, or a grandson continuously got the line tangled on his fishing reel for the ‘experienced fisherman’ – it was repeatedly said that he had the patience of Job. He was also recognized for what a faithful man of the Lord he was, as well as the faithful man he was to his family. He truly was a man to admire, in so many ways.

I heard someone say that not only was he a blessing to others, but he was also a blessed man, and how true that is. He left this world behind, being married to the love of his life for 61 years. He was a devoted husband. He raised three amazing and successful daughters, who married three wonderful men, who continued his legacy with 6 incredible and accomplished grandchildren. He built a true legacy with a fine family, a faith in God, and a love for his fellow man.

In closing, I will say that even with everything I have said here, it’s still not enough. No amount of words could completely sum up his life and legacy. I really love that word, because it fits so well. It is such an accurate representation of the 83 years he spent living such an admirable life. What other word could be used to describe such an extraordinary and phenomenal man?

A man who lived his life for others, and not himself.

A man who was self-made, and earned everything with his own two hands and an enormous heart.

A man who loved his wife, his family and his community, more than he loved himself.

A man who gave so much to others, even if it meant sacrificing things himself.

A man that throughout his 83 years touched the lives of everyone he knew and those he may have just met.

I will remember forever the effect his life and his presence had on mine. Because of him, I have some of the best people I could ever ask for in my life. Because of him, I have seen the example of how strong a family can be when you have a man with all of Billy Ray’s qualities leading the way. Because of him, I have learned the kind of person I want to be; the kind of person we should all strive to be. I can only hope to touch the number of lives he did, to have the impact on people that he did, and to make the difference in this world that he did. If only more people were like him, this world would be a much better place. There was no finer man on this earth than Grandpa. There is no finer woman walking amongst us than Granny. They are what all married couples should be. They have been a stellar example to all who know them, and have blessed all of us by just being themselves. I could only hope to someday have what those two had.

A number of years have passed since I lost my grandparents. Everyone who knows me, knows how fierce I loved my granny and what her presence (and her absence) meant in my life. I have been blessed with some of the best family of my own, but I have also been blessed with the Day family. I cannot thank them enough for treating me as a part of their family, for allowing me to see the strength and love they have first hand, and to be inspired by what commendable people they are. Every moment with your family is time well spent. It was such an honor and a privilege to know Billy Ray Day, to know his family, and I know his memory will continue to live on through all of you, and all of the people who knew and loved him. If I am ever blessed with children, I will make sure to tell them about grandpa; I will teach them to be humble and kind, to love with all their heart, to be courageous, and to always help others. And if I need any examples, I will just point to members of the Day family, for they have all of the same qualities of one of the finest men I have ever known, and one of the best role models I could ever hope to know. And I can’t wait to meet my little nephew, Killian Ray Sandlin, because I know he is going to take a lot of good qualities after his namesake.

The day of the funeral, I saw a beautiful sky and sunset, right in the dead of winter. I took that as a sign from Grandpa, that he’s OK, and he’s in a better place. This morning, I woke up to birds singing, yet another sign.

Fly high with the angels Grandpa Billy Ray, you were a blessing on this earth and I know memories of you will be cherished from now on. Thank you for all you taught me, and all you gave to me and so many others while you were here. You were the best, and I love you.

Until we meet again,

Jessica.

2018: Living My Best Life and My Worst Life - All in the Same Year

Well. Here it is almost the end of the year, and here I sit because I have been sucked into watching Birdbox. That’s probably how it’s gonna end ya know. We’re probably all going to self destruct the way the state of the world is going. But, I digress.

I haven’t written anything in a while, and I’ve missed it. Writing to me can sometimes be like breathing, there is this urgent need or I feel like I will suffocate. And when I start typing the words just flow like water from a faucet and they keep coming until I have ran out of things to say. Although sometimes that doesn’t happen in real life, as most of you know.

As most of you also know, this has been a really difficult year from me. Without a doubt, it has been the most difficult of my life. This is the year I have been tested, countless times.

I’ve been broken, multiple times.

I’ve been lied to, multiple times. Right to my face.

I’ve had my heart crushed, more than once. By people I thought would never hurt me.

I’ve been betrayed. By people I thought would never do me wrong.

I’ve been judged. For every decision I’ve made.

I’ve been left. Deserted. Abandoned. By people I thought would be in my life forever.

I cry now as I think about all the hurt and the pain I have endured. Yet, I am still going. Somehow.

Why? Some days I don’t know. But I have to believe it’s because I’m not a quitter. I’m a survivor. Always have been, always will be. Because I’m a Lewis. Because I’m a Ramey. Part Smith. Part Asher. I am made from some of the most stubborn, strong, independent people to ever walk this earth. Some days that angers me. Some days, I’m pretty grateful.

I’m not innocent in this. I am a victim of my own expectations. I always believe things, and people, to be better than they are. To be as loyal as me. To be as trustworthy as me. To be as loving as me. To be as selfless as me. Not that I’m bragging, but I am not blind to the fact that I am most of those things, and because of that I am taken advantage of, and have been for as long as I can remember. I let people take advantage of me. I like to leave people better than I found them. I like to believe that the things I do for some people may be the only good things that happen to them, and that makes it worth it.  I just love to make people’s lives better, even if it means ignoring my own. Again, not bragging, but it is a fact. All of that makes my life difficult, but there are sometimes it is rewarding. And those few times, is why I keep allowing it all to happen.  

So, let’s recap the year, shall we? The good and the bad.

Early on, I got a divorce. Everyone thought Frank and I were perfect. They were shocked. But, we had been forcing it for a while. Neither wanted to admit we weren’t happy. Neither wanted to admit we were on two different ends of the spectrum and the only things we had in common were our friends and our love for TV shows and food. That’s not enough to make a marriage last. We were good for each other for a while, but we let it last too long. We got caught up in the fan club. We got caught up in the life we both wanted, but we were too different to have that life with each other.

Now, rumors went around. Lies were told. People love to prey on the pain of others. They love to have someone to talk about. They love to speculate when they don’t know they truth. Neither of us cheated. We made a decision and it was the best for us in the end. No matter how you look at it, divorces are not pretty. They aren’t fun. They’re stressful. They’re depressing. They take a toll on your physical and mental health. But, sides were chosen. I lost friends. People wanted to believe what they wanted, without asking for the truth. They walked away and turned their backs on me, even after 10 years of friendship and me bending over backwards to help them in their time of need. They didn’t show me the same courtesy. And that’s OK. Because those people are selfish and they only worry about what they think or how they feel, and that’s not a real friend. It hurt, but I have moved on.

Next stop, a short relationship that came out of nowhere that I let almost destroy me. It happened at a rough time in my life, and I was blinded by what I had been through and my hope for the future and a lot of other things. But it was just a speed bump. A bend in the road. Something that made me stronger.

After that, I decided, I needed a break. I needed to heal. I needed to get my life together without the watchful eyes of everyone in Leslie County staring at me, especially those hoping I would ruin my life and give them something else to talk about and judge me for trying to better my life. So, I bought a camper on my favorite lake in Tennessee, next to some awesome people from Leslie County. And I did so, without telling anyone. I spent weekend after weekend, waking up to the smell of lake water and sunshine and good vibes and most importantly, peace. I was at peace. And I can’t tell you how long I had went in my life without that. So long I didn’t even know. This summer, I got my life together, at least for a little while.

Also this summer, I made a few other life changing moves.

I was sworn into the Tennessee Bar. An accomplishment I am so proud of. Someday, I will be a resident of Tennessee, I imagine. But that is a chapter for another time in my life that I am not yet prepared for.

 I also decided to sell my house. I can’t afford it, and I needed a fresh start. So I put it on the market, and I found a new house that was more my size, comfortable, and all mine. No awkward memories. More kitchen space. But the best part is, it’s away from town.

The third decision I made was to take a job as a public defender in Hazard. I work in Perry District Court. I have cut my teeth under Judge Bill Engle. And what an interesting few months that has been. I have learned a lot and I have been able to help some people. I never imagined myself as a public defender. But it’s a rewarding job, and my work crew and the people I have worked around have helped save me. I have met some amazing people who have changed my life.

During all these decisions, toward the end of summer, I started another relationship. It came out of nowhere. Totally unexpected. The best kind, I’m told. For about 3 months, it was perfect. Start to a week before the finish. We both thought it was the forever kind. The kind we’d both been missing. It was fast. It was fun. We got along great. Almost exactly alike. Never fought. Never had a problem. We just fit, for some unexplained reason. Until I woke up one day out of the blue, and I could feel something was wrong. I tried to ignore it, but that night, he said he was leaving. And he did. He said we weren’t breaking up. He said we needed to slow down. But I knew better. I knew it was over. Maybe not that day, but soon. After a little over a week when he barely spoke and refused to see me, he drove over to my house to get the rest of his things and end what I thought was the relationship I would be in for the rest of my life. He said he wasn’t in love with me. He said a lot that didn’t make sense. He said a lot that hurt. I watched him drive away and I felt my heart go with him. I felt numb. This would be what broke me, and he didn’t seem to care. He walked away like so many people in my life and left me in pieces and I was left trying to pick them up and stay afloat. I waited around for a month, again let down by my own expectations, thinking he would come back. Until I found out he had moved on, with someone who was supposed to be my friend, and had in some form before he broke up with me. So I hurt all over again. I have spent over a week trying to make sense of everything and mend my life and the mess it feels like I’ve made of it. But I have come to realize something.

I haven’t made a mess of my life. I have lived. I’ve learned. I’ve loved. This life is mine. This may have been the hardest year of my life, but it has also been the year I discovered myself. The year I found out who I was. The year I started living for myself and making decisions for me. The year I have spent making myself happy. Here’s something you probably don’t know about me. I’m a social drinker. It doesn’t make me a bad person. I have tattoos. They also don’t make me a bad person. They tell my story. They tell my journey. They remind me that my struggles are not who I am and do not define me. They remind me that I am stronger than I know and I will overcome any obstacle, with time and patience, and strength. My track record is pretty good so far.

This year has went by so fast. This year has been the best and the worst of my life all at the same time. My summer life was some of the best days I’ve ever lived with some of the best people that I am so fortunate to have. I have made friends that have turned into family. I have a best friend named Brittany that has stood by me and picked me up and cried with me and mended my heart and stood up for me and loved me like a sister and been the best blessing I could ever have. I have a Mary and Mama Lou and a whole family that look after me. I have a Shayne and a Michelle and a Bri and a baby Allen that never let me feel like I’m not loved. They are always there for me and never let me down. I have a Dan and a Karen that feed me and help me with my puppy and love me and pull me out of a rut when I’m stuck (in both senses of the words). I have a Tanner and a Josh that cook for me on a fire and help me when I need it and remind me that having little brothers are special. I have a Laura and a Daniel and a Becca and a Pat and an Amber and a Josh that make concerts more fun than a barrel of monkeys and remind me what it’s like to live and let live and love and be loved. I have an Andy and a James that check on me and remind me that I have good friends and warn me about weather and talk me through rough days. I have a Miss Couch that reminds me that God and her are always there to support me and love me no matter what. I have a Val and a Jr. who treat me like one of their own. I have a lake family that I love dearly and I miss so much. So many papas and mamas who have looked after me over the years that treat me like their own. I have a Court and Tiff, a Kathryn and Ben, a Randi, a Tara, a Traci, a Stephanie, a Brook and Jesse, and so many more people that have stood by me. I have so many people that love me and are there for me and refuse to give up on me. And I have a blood family, a mom and a dad and a brother that love me and have stood by me, even when they didn’t agree with some of my decisions.

I really am so blessed. So I’ve lost people. So what if people hurt me. So what if I have had some rough days. One of my closest friends lost her mother this morning and my heart aches for her. My life could always be so much worse. This year has broken me but it does not define me. I have always used music to heal me and to remind me that this too shall pass. Old Dominion has a song that I listen to a lot. In the song it says “life is short, make it sweet.” Life is short. It is so short. Kenny Chesney has a song that I try not to listen to because it reminds me of when my granny was sick but it’s called “Don’t Blink.” I went to high school one day and I blinked and I was in college and then I blinked and I was in law school and then I blinked and now here I am. It goes so fast and we never know when our days are gonna end. But I know this. From now on, no more living in the past. No more dwelling. No more wondering if I am good enough. No more wondering if it’s going to get better, because it already is. My life is never going to be perfect. But the people in it who have stayed and stuck by me are. Because of that, my days are gonna be great regardless. No more allowing others to change my mood and decide what kind of day I’m going to have. No more hiding from life. No more looking at the negatives, only the positives. My future is mine, and whatever I make it. I have big dreams and I am going to spend my energy crushing my goals, not wallowing because a few things didn’t go my way.

Somebody told me recently that people knew everything about my life and they enjoyed their privacy. The thing is, I don’t have anything to hide. I’m not snapchatting 200 people, half of them the opposite sex, selfies of myself, wondering who is gonna bite. I’m not trying to deceive anyone, especially a significant other. I’ve not done anything to be ashamed of. I am who I am, and my life is always going to be somewhat in the public because I come from a political family, and that’s how it’s always been. And I’m grateful for that. I like people. I enjoy being amongst the public and talking to people and helping people and working toward making this town a better place.

My dad will be sworn in as County Judge Executive next week, a goal he has been chasing and working toward since he was 24 years old. He has taught me to never give up. Always persevere. Always give back. Always respect your elders. Always be proud of your hard work and how it pays off. Always be a good friend. Always do what you can for those in need. Always be an example. That’s how I live my life. If you know me, then you know who I am. You know what I’m made of and you know how hard I have worked to get where I am in this life. For the first time in my life, I am proud of myself. I know my worth, and 2019 is going to bring a new year, with a new resolution for me: I’m going to stop settling for less than I deserve. I am going to set goals for myself in my career and crush them all. I am going to represent my clients to the best of my ability and I am going to be the best attorney I can be.

Maybe my life is too open. But you know what, maybe that’s OK. Maybe I can inspire somebody. Maybe somebody can learn something from me. Maybe somebody can feel better about themselves. Maybe somebody will read this and know that good days are ahead. Maybe somebody will smile knowing they had an impact on my life. Maybe somebody will hurt a little less. Maybe somebody will understand their struggles a little better. My goal in this life is to be a stronger person. Be closer with God. Be a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter. My goal in this life is to be remembered for my good deeds, and not my mistakes. My goal in this life is to help somebody when they need it most. To make someone’s life a little better. Because that is the legacy I want to leave behind.

2018 was a struggle. But it was a year of strength. A year of recovery and self discovery. 2019 is going to be the year I let my life happen and find joy in the journey, instead of trying to control the outcome. It’s the year to Let GO and Let GOD. He has a plan for my life. It’s time I let Him take over.

Thank you to all of the people who have loved me and have been there for me and made my days better. Thank you to the real people in my life who didn’t walk away when times got hard. Thank you to those people who made me smile when I didn’t feel like it. You have all helped me more than you know and you have made this year one of the best, aside from the bad moments. I am so blessed to have the people I do and I am so grateful that the Lord has blessed me as much as He has. Let’s all be thankful that 2019 is going to be a new year with new opportunities and new successes. I love my friends and family so much. Good luck to all in the coming new year!

For Laura Jane

Hey baby girl.

Today is March 2^nd 2018, the day you were born. I’m assuming that someday you’re going to wonder what it was like the day you were born, so I’m documenting this day like I told your mother I would. You haven’t made your appearance to meet me yet, but this is your Aunt Jess. I can’t wait to see your gorgeous little face in a few hours (I hope, only a few, anyway).

I haven’t always known your mother, a mere few years give or take, but she took up a presence in my life like no other. I met her while she was working at Red Light Café, and instantly loved her. She has this personality that can light up a room, and make everyone in it wish they could shrink her and pack her around in their pocket. That’s how much she is loved, and how much you are already loved. She was only 15 or so when I first met her, but you’d have thought she was 20 or more as mature and outgoing as she was. Her sense of humor is like no other and she can put a smile on your face or pull a laugh out of you on even your darkest days. That’s how she drew me in. She was a ray of sunshine in a world full of darkness.

Not long after I met your mother, I met your biological aunt, Brittany. I get to be your aunt, too, but not by relation, just by choice, cause I’m awesome, which you’ll see someday.  Your aunt Brittany is my best friend in the whole wide world. We are so much alike it is scary, and I don’t know what I’d do without her, or your whole lovable dysfunctional family in my life. She has been there for me this year through some pretty rough times. And last year. And well, you get the idea. She's my person. And when she has a baby, I'm going to be doing this same thing, documenting every hateful word she says (she's a little scary, but still lovable) and recording all the important details of the day the baby is born. Your aunt Britt is an amazing woman, and someone you are lucky to share blood with. She protects me and she tells me the truth and says mean things because I need to hear them. But there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for her, and nothing she wouldn't do for me. I hope someday when you're older you find a best friend you can love that much. It's the only way to do life.

Bless his heart. Your granddad is pacing around here right now awaiting your arrival. I can tell he is nervous, as we all are, because we are just so excited to meet you. But your granddad is a very wise man. He has a great sense of humor that I've come to love and appreciate. He may be a bit ornery at times, but you will come to love that about him, just like I have. And Val, your grandma, is all the things amazing women are made of. She has taken care of her family, and people like me, since I've known her. She is an incredible woman. Someone I think of like a mother who is always there for me and who has raised two pretty amazing daughters and who I know will have a tremendous impact on your life. You are going to have the most strongest genes a girl an have, because you have the blood of some the best women I have ever known.  Someday you'll see.

I’ve known your father for a good 15 years. We went through high school together and were part of the few people who stayed and made a life in this little town. He’s a little rough around the edges, but I think you’re going to straighten him right out when you get here. You’re going to change him, in ways he never imagined. You are going to make him the man he’s been trying to be for a long time, and wrap him around your tiny little finger like a ball of yarn. But, I have a feeling you’re going to do that to all of us. You have no idea how much you are loved, little one.

So far, it’s about 10:30 AM and we’ve all lost sleep and are bursting with excitement at your arrival. I’m sitting in this tiny little waiting room with what appears to be a very odd family, but you’re too young to understand just yet or I would explain. Maybe someday though, I’ll sit you down and tell you all this and add in all the things I’m having to leave out. I’m much more colorful and animated in person than through the strokes of these keys. But what I will tell you is that your mother looks beautiful. I took a picture of her for you. Someday you’re going to want to see it. I giggled at her because she sat in there and put her makeup on. She’s much, much better at it than I am. I rarely wear makeup and when I do I look like I had a toddler put it on me. But she is skilled. And she wanted to look perfect for your arrival, and believe me, she does. She is radiant and glowing. She is nervous and giddy, and so excited to meet you, ecstatic really.

They just brought out a newborn baby girl by the waiting room I’m in. She is beautiful, and tiny, and so peaceful looking. I imagine you’re going to look something like that, but you’re going to be the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of beautiful babies. I remember when your mother told me she was pregnant with you. She decorated a tiny little pumpkin like a baby girl, and I promise to show you a picture someday, but it was so sweet. It had a little pacifier and hair bows and eyelashes. And she wrote me a poem to tell me about you, from you, so to speak:

“They’ve always said girls are full of pumpkin spice and everything nice… well I say that at least. Momma’s always unorganized and an absolute mess…help me out and be my auntie Jess!”

I remember being filled with so many emotions and tears filling my eyes. I wasn’t sure she was ready for you yet. She was young, so full of life, and had so many things to accomplish. I see now, that you were one of those things, this accomplishment, this major blessing that we all needed in our lives.

I don’t have any children of my own, not yet anyway. At this point who knows if I ever will, it’s very doubtful, but still possible I suppose. Just in case, I hope you don’t mind if I spoil you as much as possible. Something you will come to learn about your Aunt Jess, is that I love hard and uncontrollable. My love knows no boundaries, and I give everything I have until I have nothing left, always hard and fast, and that scares people away…especially people who aren’t used to it. They don’t know what to do with someone like me. Someday though, someone will. Someday, someone will appreciate all that about me, and they will love me for the same things I love about me. They will love me because I make them better and they will make me better, too. I’ve not been loving myself much here lately, but I’m going to start. The good thing about all that is, I have a lot of knowledge to share with you, and maybe, hopefully, my own kid someday. Someday when you are older, I will tell you about life and about all the things I’ve been through and I will try to help guide you and shape you into the amazing person I know you are destined to be. I know that you will need someone like me, to share my mistakes and to help you when you make a few of your own. I’d like to think I’d make a good mom someday, but only God knows if that is meant to be. I love to love, and I love to take care of the people I love, especially those most fragile and those who need it most, like you and other little ones. Maybe you will let me practice a little on you, just in case. Until then though, you and a few more little kids get to share my big heart full of love and joy, and life lessons. I can’t wait to hold you and tell you all about how much you are loved.

I’ve been typing for a while now. All your family is back there with your momma, waiting on you to get here. Your grandparents are here, and your dad and your aunt Britt and Uncle Dave and your aunt Anna, who isn’t much older than you. But she is something else, and you’re going to love her. I took pictures of them for you, too. Someday you’re going to want to know just how we spent this day, and how we felt when we got to meet you. I can’t imagine that just yet, but I will let you know how it turns out when you get here.

The gentleman across from me is waiting on his grandson. His son is a big Top Gun fan, (which I’ll watch with you someday, along with lots of other wonderful 80s films) so he is naming the little boy Maverick, and has already gotten the tattoo of it on his left forearm. I saw him earlier. He looked worried and excited, his first baby is a boy and he gets to name him something he loves – Maverick Joe. Your name is pretty special, too, Laura Jane. You’ll get to hear about it someday, and how it came about. Let me tell you though, just how excited I am that you got that name instead of some of the ones you could have had. No offense to your mother, but she was about to go out on a limb there for a minute. But you need to know that you are named after two wonderful women - one of which I had the pleasure of meeting, one unfortunately, I did not. What I can tell you is that those two women shared the same blood as you. Those two women were strong, and fearless, and courageous, and they were made of a type of special glue that held families together and strengthened them like steel beams. They are no longer here with us, sadly, but we like to think that you are a nice mix of them, and that you are going to fill some of the void they left behind. They are going to live on through you and you are going to bring joy and love to the hearts of everyone who knows you.

Update on your delivery: It is 11:13 and your Aunt Britt just sent me a sweet picture of your mom and Anna. Nothing major happening yet, but we will wait patiently for you. You have been worth the wait, little one. It just occurred to me that I haven’t been in this hospital in over 10 years, since my granny got sick. My memories of inside these walls are very unhappy, until today. Today, I get to be present for the first time, for a new life to be brought into this world. You are the first baby I’ve ever been present for a birth of. And boy, are you special. So special in fact, that I’m tearing up writing this and I haven’t even met you yet.

You. Are. So. Loved.

Update: It’s around 3:00 and we’ve all been patiently waiting for you, still. Your Uncle Timmy and your other set of grandparents have gotten here, Paul and Arlene. We're all so excited. Keeping your Aunt Anna occupied has been quite the time. Especially when I tried to read her a story. And when she beat the bathroom door down on your Uncle Dave. And when she found a little boyfriend in the waiting room and when he tried to kiss her goodbye, she yelled “ANNA IS SO SHY!!!” and then cried when we all laughed at her. All of us are telling stories and imagining what it’s going to be like to be with you. You don’t know how important all these people are to me, and how important you are to me, but you will. I’m going to have to leave soon, but don’t worry, I will see you soon, little one.

Update: I had to leave around 4:30. You were born at 7:28. Your aunt sent me a picture of you and I cried tears of joy. The next day, today, March 3^rd, I came to visit you. I held you and I hugged you, and I loved you instantly.  You were so tiny, I don’t know if I’ve ever held a baby so small. But you opened your eyes and looked at me like you could see straight into my soul. It’s a day I will never forget. I think your existence has already changed my life more than I could ever have imagined. Someday, I am going to tell you so many important things. I am going to love you and be there for you and tell you life lessons and give you more advice than you can handle. Someday, you are going to talk to me and tell me about your day at school and we’re going to do so many fun things. Don’t get the idea that I want you to grow up too fast though. I want to enjoy every minute of your growing up. I know it’s going to go fast enough as it is. I promise to cherish every moment and love you always.

Love,

Aunt Jess