This morning I woke up as someone new. This morning, I woke
up as an attorney. It’s a strange
feeling to have finally reached this point in my life. Still shocking, almost,
because I’m not sure I believed I would get here. Yesterday was an emotional
day for me, not just because of being sworn in, but also because Justice
Venters allowed my brother to make the motion to admit me to the bar. We didn’t
go to the same law school so he couldn’t hood me when I graduated, so that
moment yesterday meant more to me than I could ever imagine. It was also
special because my mom had to struggle a little since she’s still recovering
and she was able to witness it. And also because my best friend showed up to
surprise me when I didn’t know she was coming. It has been a blessing having
her in my life. I don’t know how I ended up with such amazing and supportive
people in my life, but I am extremely blessed. The people in my life got me
through some of the most difficult times and they were there when I needed them
most. Even if I had never made it to this place, to this day, I would still be
blessed, and so fortunate, to be wealthy with blessings and not material
things. Yesterday I think I saw my dad
tear up a little. The man who doesn’t cry, but the man I know cried at my
wedding, even though he said he didn’t. My dad is my biggest fan, and I don’t
know where I would be without him. After
reaching this moment, I can’t help but think about the journey. I can’t help
but reflect on how far I’ve come and what I’ve went through to get to this day,
and to reach this goal.
You ever watch that show This
is Us? The one that rips your guts out a little at a time and then puts all
your broken pieces back together? It takes you through the lives of these
people who find out who they are and seize the day. The ones who figure out the
meaning of life all the while struggling through some of life’s most common
problems – relationships, weight, image, heartbreak, death, family drama,
careers, etc. My husband hates that show. So I have to watch it
when he’s gone or if I get up earlier on the weekends than he does. He enjoys
the superhero shows, or the feel good shows that don’t make you cry and yo-yo
with your emotions the entire episode. But, I love it. Every episode I’m like, “this is magical television.” Because it’s real. They deal with real stuff. Stuff that ain’t pretty, but stuff
we all deal with. Anyway, I can relate. Sometimes I feel like my life is a
television show. And sometimes I watch TV shows and think, “this is my life.”
Not that show in particular, but, you see where I’m going. For the past two years, I have been through
a lot of emotions. I’ve dealt with some of the happiest moments of my life, and
some of the lowest points I ever thought possible. I’ve ridden this
rollercoaster of life with an endless pass. There was no hopping off for me,
only a continuous jolt of emotion. When I get on a coaster, I immediately
regret it as it takes off.
This was a terrible decision.
I should not be allowed to think for myself. I’m never doing this again.
And then when it takes a few curves I’m like, “this is kinda fun”.
It’s a constant back and forth, but I’ve learned to sit back
and enjoy the ride. Life is just like that. I’ve waited two years to tell this
story because it wasn’t ready to be told, until now. The past two years have
been like an unfinished puzzle. That one piece in the center was missing and it
left a gaping hole. A gaping hole I felt for two years. On October 6, 2017, all
that changed, with a single email.
It’s been a long time since I wrote one of these. I’ve sat
down to write more than a dozen times and I couldn’t. It just didn’t feel right. Part of that was because I
couldn’t say this one sentence, until now: I
passed the bar exam. I. PASSED. THE. BAR. EXAM. On the morning of Friday,
October 6, I opened an email that read, “We
are pleased to inform you that you successfully completed the July 2017
Tennessee Bar Examination.”
Whoa.
In July 2015, those were not the words I opened in an email.
Those were not the words I opened in several emails since. It physically hurts
to admit that. It really does. Because even though I know some of you don’t
want to judge me, even a little bit, you’re probably thinking, “wow, I’m surprised, I thought she was
smarter than that.”
And, you’re right. I am.
Some of you are reading this, and you’re probably smiling,
because you hoped I wouldn’t succeed and you smile at the thought of me having
so much difficulty along the way, even though I made it. You might think I was
naïve enough to think you didn’t exist, but I know you do. And, I know who you
are. At least, I know some of you. Others are well disguised, but, that’s ok, because
it doesn’t matter now.
I did it.
For a while, I believed that was never going to happen. I
had accepted it was impossible and I told myself that this time was going to be
just like the others. I’d open that email and read the same words then cry for
a while until I could pick up the pieces and pull myself back together. And, I
did cry for a while, but they were tears of joy.
In that moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of emotion. I can’t even accurately
describe the rush I felt. It was so many
feelings at once – relief, accomplishment, joy, sadness, fear, frustration, and
on and on. When I read those words, tears instinctively filled my eyes. I read
them again. I read them three more times. I hit my knees and I cried and I
thanked God, because I knew He was responsible. It was because of HIM that I
got here. In those first few minutes
within reading the news, all the memories of the last two years came flooding
back. All the struggles. All the emotions. All the failures. All the times I
told myself I wasn’t good enough. And as one of my favorite movie quotes says,
“I guess that’s what happens at the end, you start thinking about the
beginning.” This wasn’t THE end, but it was the end of this chapter, this long road, after two years of ups and downs, two
years of fighting. I started thinking about the beginning.
I hope you’ve got time, it’s a long story.
This story begins on September 25, 2015 – the day I received
news that I was unsuccessful on the Kentucky bar exam. It was three days after
my 28th birthday. I was in Louisville with Frank for a conference,
and I was partially devastated and partially numb. I’d been preparing myself
since July for that feeling, because my bar exam experience was far less than
desirable and much more of a nightmare than I had intended. Not entirely I
guess, the first day was fine, other than a tax question that none of us were
expecting on the essays. That’s right, a
tax question every bar exam prep program had assured us would NOT be on the
exam. And then, there it was, the third question on the morning session.
YAY. THIS IS SO MUCH FUN. I LOVE TAX LAW.
Not. Nobody loves tax law. At least I’ve never met anyone.
Anyway, that portion was fine. I was prepared. I was ready.
I knew I did fine. Then that night during dinner, I started feeling
overwhelmed. Even though I had the feeling I had done well during the day, I
had still not slept well the night before and the feeling of anxiety crept up
on me. I started panicking. I sat up until 2 that morning reading flashcards
and reviewing quick sheets. I barely slept. I was so tired and stressed by the
time the morning half started I had all but given up. By the time the second
half was over, I had endured such an intense and relentless migraine that I
could barely see or even read the questions. With no medication, I sat there
and prayed to God to help me make it through that day. I’m sure it was probably
caused from lack of sleep and immense stress and a feeling of epic failure, but
there was nothing I could do but try my best to finish. I walked out of that
room epically defeated. I got in my vehicle to leave that day and I cried
halfway home, because I knew that I had failed the multiple choice (MBE)
portion.
On Friday, September 25th, 2015, my fears were
confirmed in an email, with a score 16 points shy of the one I needed to be
admitted to the Kentucky bar. I had passed the essays as I expected, but that
gave me little solace at the time. I tried to give myself pep talks, but they
didn’t help. That failure sent me down a path spiraling toward depression that
I fought off for the past two years.
Happier times were ahead though, just like that first dip in
a roller coaster ride. Eight days after that awful news, I still moved into a
new chapter in my life. On October 3, 2015, I got married, in a beautiful
barn in London, KY. It was the coldest day of winter. On top of the cold, it
rained, so we had to crowd inside the barn for a very intimate ceremony, which
turned out beautiful and definitely unique. Because of the rain my dress got
muddy, and hardly anyone stayed for the reception because of the weather and
the reception location being in a tent. My caterer screwed me. They didn’t give
us all the food that we paid for. Also, I didn’t know that $400 worth of
wedding cake was left in the tent that had to be thrown away the next morning,
and I cried. I would have eaten it. Not all of it, but I mean, UGH. Other than that,
my wedding was pretty perfect. We had an amazing wedding party, my dress was
the most gorgeous dress I’d ever seen and I remember not wanting to take it
off. I loved my beautiful cake. It turned out spectacular, both looking and
tasting delicious. Our pictures turned
out amazing, other than us getting in a hurry and forgetting to take individual
pictures with my bridesmaids. We got stunning photos and a very emotional
wedding video out of it. But little did I realize, that 8 days before that, my
bad news would start me on a path of negativity. I began to focus on the
negative things about my wedding day, instead of the positive. Looking back
now, I see the real picture. I see where I made mistakes, but I had to learn the
hard way.
(Update: I was divorced March 2018).
Our honeymoon, on the other hand, was like a dream. We had beautiful weather in our
own little island paradise of Daufuskie Island, including a visit to Savannah
in all of its weeping willows, gorgeous cobblestone streets and unbelievable
history. We fell in love with the area. So much so, in fact, we started looking
for real estate on the island that week. We couldn’t afford it, and still
can’t, but we are making plans for the future. On that island we found a peace
like we had never known. We were
surrounded by picturesque beauty with such serene spots and peaceful quiet and
nothing but the sound of the ocean most days and nights. We got up early and
went to watch the sunrise on clear mornings. That was a beauty like I had never
seen. The day we left, I have only ever felt that way about leaving my home. I
couldn’t believe I had found a place that felt like home in just a few days.
But we did, and when my days are bad, even now, I look at pictures of this little island paradise to make my day a little better.
I’m trying to only put the high points in here, but with
everything you have to have balance. You need the lows just as much as the
highs, because the lows are what make you appreciate the highs when they
finally come around. Once the honeymoon was over, it was really over. Our house wasn’t finished like we planned, and it
forced us to have to stay with our parents. To make it fair, we traded out
nights in our parents’ homes, until it was clear we may not be in our house for
a lot longer than expected, so we decided to move into an apartment that my
family owned. It was old, it was small, but it was ours. We had our own space,
privacy, and we could really enjoy being married for the first time since our
honeymoon had ended. We spent our first Christmas in that apartment. It took a little while to adjust, but I
decided that another bar exam try in February was appropriate. That turned out
to be a mistake. I started having horrible back problems and to get relief I
started seeing a chiropractor. Three times weekly visits were not helpful when
you need to be studying. And when you already have one failure on your back and
you feel like you just aren’t smart enough, anxiety sets in. I stayed sick for
about three weeks before the exam. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and I
couldn’t figure out why. I was just so sick and miserable. And then one day it hit me like a bucket of ice
cold water. I was anxious. I did everything
I could to put my fears aside. Yet, in spite of everything I did or could do, I
still didn’t pass. I managed to bring my score up 7 points, but not enough to
cross the finish line. So close, yet, so far. It began to seem even farther out
of reach.
Throughout this time of ups and downs I looked for the
positive. I found a new contractor to start back to work on the house. A job
that was supposed to take 5-7 weeks from the first week of March was still
nowhere near completion by July. I was trying to study for the bar but I had
nowhere quiet to study. Had it been done
in May as promised, I could have studied quietly in my own house. But, no.
Surprise, another bar failure was in the works.
The house still wasn’t finished by fall.
September 5, 2016, we moved in anyway, because we couldn’t continue to
pay bills on both places. We didn’t have a kitchen for over a month. During
which time, while we were gone for a week, a rat got in our house and ate up
half the food we had brought from the apartment and destroyed half the other
stuff we had in boxes from our move. It
was over a year since my household shower and I still had not got to unpack all
the wonderful things people had gifted us. Mom had hip replacement surgery in
October 2016, and so my kitchen was barely done in time for me to cook
Thanksgiving dinner, and of course the house still wasn’t complete. But there
was a silver lining happening all around during this time. Although I wasn’t a
licensed attorney, I still needed to file a suit against my wedding caterer for
robbing me like she did and then lying to me and dodging me and trying to tell
me her company was dissolved when it wasn’t. So, in order to save time and
money I filed a civil action in small claims.
You can file those on your own behalf and not need legal representation,
so I did. I was so scared when I went in front of that judge. So nervous. But,
I had evidence, I had an argument, and I wore a suit. I represented myself like
I would if I had a license.
AND I WON.
I won my first case and I wasn’t even a licensed attorney.
Yet.
I proved to myself that I could do this, and I wanted
to do this. I felt so accomplished and part of me felt like I got a little
closer that day.
As time went on, so did life. By February, of this year, I
was frustrated. I was angry. I was hurt. I was disappointed. I was almost ready
to give up on my home and on the bar exam. My house still wasn’t finished. 5-7
weeks had turned into 11 months, with no completion date in sight. My
contractor disappeared after the first week of February and I decided I didn’t
want him to come back. He’s probably reading this, and if he is, I’m not mad,
I’m just hurt. I was so good to you, and you let me down. You made me so many
promises that you didn’t keep. You lied to me when it was convenient. I paid
you good money for things you didn’t do, and you know you didn’t, like
finishing my trim and fixing the things that you admitted were wrong, or
putting in the insulation that you told me you installed that I found hidden in
the corner upstairs after I paid you,
and for things you did sloppy, like my tile work. You promised me a fabulous
job and you didn’t deliver. You made excuses and you cost me so much time and
aggravation, and in the end, money, that you were supposed to be saving me. Do
you even realize you did these things? You only worked when you wanted, a few
hours a day. You worked on what you wanted. The rest of the time you spent off
doing something else. You caused me to pay bills on two places with money I
didn’t have. Because of your being so inconsiderate, and most of all slow when
you could have worked faster, I got way in debt. You hurt my feelings more than
once. You took things out on me with no reason. You fed me lines that I know
weren’t true. And you didn’t care. I hope you accept your faults someday. I
hope you accept that you aren’t the best there is, and most of all that you
don’t treat other people as you treated me. But, I digress…
My bar exam was right around the corner again. I spent weeks
and weeks, almost two months this time, doing a new program. I did somewhere
around 7 practice exams and then some, which equated to around 2000 practice
questions. My scores were perfect. Every exam I was ready to knock it out of
the park, and I did. Every practice test I took was better than the last, all
of them exceeding requirements. I had more confidence, I felt like I knew the
material more than ever before, and I was ready to finish this chapter and move
on.
Before the exam happened, I called my old buddy Bill whom
I’d lost touch with, but I knew was a contractor now and had done good work for
my friends. At one time we were really close and he had always been there when
I needed him. This time would be no different. I called, he came, he looked
over my house, pointed out inadequacies that I hadn’t even realized on top of
the unfinished parts that were frustrating me, and we made a plan to get to
work. He started fixing my problems one by one. We still have a few problems to
fix, but we’re closer now than we’ve ever been, and for that I am so grateful. When I think of the time
that I wasted and how I could have been done with this house over a year and a
boatload of money ago, I get sick. It makes me physically ill. I wish I had
called him sooner.
As always, when things are looking up, something negative
happens. Three days before taking the bar exam in February of this year, my
husband was in an accident in Tennessee while on a bachelor trip celebrating
the upcoming marriage of a couple friends. This pretty much sealed the fate for
me again, as I couldn’t get out of my mind what had almost happened to him. He
came so close to leaving this earth. And in a way, the exam didn’t seem like
such a big deal. After taking the bar exam in February, I obviously felt like
something was off. When I got my results, I was correct. I went up two points,
but was still unsuccessful, yet again. I felt like my world was collapsing. I
couldn’t sleep. I was tired all the time. I had gained weight. I was a mess. It
was so unlike me, and it was affecting me in ways I hadn’t even realized. Then more
problems landed on me. Mom fell at the end of April, fracturing her knee in the
same leg as her newly replaced hip, so she needed more care than usual, once
again. While dealing with the issues at hand, I sat down determined to figure
out what was wrong with my testing ability. It just didn’t make sense. My
practice scores were spot on. When I did a full practice exam in my home I aced
it every time. I knew the material. But
when you put me in a room with 500 people, stick a bunch of distractions and a
big ole larger than life clock on me, plus the weight of everything going on in
my life clouding my thoughts, I just lose it.
Every. Single. Time.
I finally figured out my problem. But, how did I fix it?
I started by figuring out what I wanted and what I thought
was the best goal. After learning that I could take the Tennessee exam and have
my multiple choice score transferred to Kentucky, I thought maybe a change of
scenery would be best, and open up a few more doors if I was able to pass and
be licensed in both states. I decided to be evaluated by a psychologist to see
if there was something more to my stressed out feelings during the exam. As it
turned out, there was. I was evaluated by the best, who determined that I had a
really high IQ, as high or higher than the average of those passing the bar
exam, so therefore it wasn’t my knowledge, it was something else. After a few
other tests, it was determined that I suffered from horrible test anxiety and I
was also exhibiting signs of Adult ADHD. Looking back it should have been more
obvious. I’m super critical of myself, as most of you know. I went from being a
straight A student with less than 10 B’s EVER and one C (maybe, or maybe not
even one) and being at the top of the class of scholastic endeavors to having
to compete with outstanding minds in a super competitive environment and having
to learn to study all over again and balance everything with family and work
and all that came with it. Every final
exam period I spent at least one night in the flooring having a panic attack
and sobbing while on my knees praying to God to get me through. I just hadn’t
thought about it like that before. Exams freaked me out. The pressure, the
competitiveness, and the potential outcomes. I couldn’t properly focus when
taking them. All I could think about was failure. After pinpointing the problem,
it wasn’t an easy fix, but there was indeed a way to get through it and come
out on top on the other side. I applied for the Tennessee bar exam and it was probably
the best experience you could ever have taking a bar exam. It is easily one of
the best decisions I have ever made. Having said that, it is only fitting I
give a side note and explain why.
I’ve known for some time now that God was looking out for
me. It was hard to understand His plan at times, especially when I am the most impatient
person on the planet. Really, I am, just ask my husband. It was clear to me that
God was still looking out for me, but He was waiting for me to figure some
things out on my own, and once I had, He was still finding ways to open doors
for me. Once I figured out that Tennessee was where I was going to take the
exam, I started looking for Tennessee materials. I found a book on eBay and
bought it. On a whim, I messaged the seller and asked if there was any help
they could offer because in their description it said they had passed with that
book. The seller was kind enough to send
me his outline from Tennessee with all the Tennessee distinctions and some
really helpful information. It was the one of the most helpful things I could
have received and I know it was instrumental in my passage. In addition, Tennessee
had three locations where I could have taken the bar – Knoxville, Nashville,
and Memphis. Knoxville would have been closer, but I needed to be in my comfort
zone, which most of you know is Nashville. I needed to feel at home and
comfortable, and it had never occurred to me that Lexington or Louisville was
neither of those for me. After picking a location I booked a room close to the
bar exam test center at a bed and breakfast because I didn’t want to chance
fighting traffic from a hotel farther away and being late. Then I learned my
test center had been switched to downtown, so I called the bed and breakfast to
see if I could cancel and book a room within walking distance. It just seemed easier to me and safer.
Although the bed and breakfast sounded nicer and had a quieter pace, I just
wanted to be there on time and not have to go through a lot of trouble. Oddly enough, the man who owned the bed and
breakfast was an attorney. He assured me when I called to cancel, that he had
the place for me. He insisted that his B&B was perfect for the occasion. He
offered to drive me downtown every morning, pick me back up, help me with
lunch, and stock his fridge with whatever foods made me happy. Plus, it was WAY
cheaper. How could I say no? Well, I couldn’t. So I didn’t.
This was all part of God’s wondrous plan. I can’t tell you
how great my stay at the Timothy Demonbreun House was. Richard Demonbreun was
one of the kindest and most gracious people I have ever met. He tended to every
possible need we had. Every morning I
got the most AMAZING breakfast complete with the best scrambled eggs I have ever eaten. If I wanted hot tea, I had
it. Cold drinks, I had it. Filtered water and ice, I had it. He even had a beer
fridge and a wine cellar if I wanted. It was so quiet that I actually slept. It had never occurred to
me that without the noise of hotels and directly beside the busy highway that
the light sleeper in me had been utterly miserable. It’s the first time I
remember taking the bar exam that I actually slept, and soundly. I wasn’t too tired to think in the mornings. I could
function and not feel like any second I was going to give out. In the evenings, I had the pool or the in
ground hot tub/spa to relax in. While I was taking my exam all day, my husband
had adequate space to work in and Richard took great care of him as well, which
eased my mind. Having Frank there was my good luck charm. He was so supportive
and encouraging. He helped me get through it and make the best of it. He would
swim in the evenings and I would read by the pool or get in for a bit with him.
I was able to relax for the first
time, and while amidst the taking of the bar exam! Who does that?!
ME. I did that. And it must have worked.
Each session, I felt good. No, I felt great. The people there were so nice. I felt comfortable. I didn’t
feel nervous and I actually felt like they were my people. The first day, I heard one of the proctors before we
began tell another proctor about his daughter, and he actually uttered the
words, “got me a snowflake on my hands.” My inner Conservative did a happy
dance. I literally thought to myself, “THESE
ARE MY PEOPLE!” While you are
laughing at me right now, I am totally serious. It legitimately put my mind at
ease. Richard kept his promise about taking me downtown and picking me back up.
I was on time, I didn’t have to pay for parking, I had everything I needed and
didn’t have to worry about anything. It really was a good experience, and for
the first time I actually felt like it was meant to be, and that this one
experience would change my life. And it did. Every part of the experience had
some hand in passing the exam and my dreams coming true. I remember Richard
telling me his story that first day when I got there and thinking that it was
where I was meant to be, and all part of God’s plan. Richard was a Christian
and he prayed for me every day. I felt so welcome. Each day when I came back,
he had told all the guests about me and they would ask how my day went and wish
me luck. It was a whole house full of support and encouragement. Not one
negative vibe was had. And the last day of testing, when he came to pick me up,
I told him about my snowflake story. He thought that was funny, and so he and
my husband devised a plan to wait for me as I exited the building that evening.
They waited all day and they videoed my exit while they hid and watched me.
They waited for me to get out of the building and start looking for the vehicle
before Richard yelled “Hey, you! Snowflake!” He got such great joy out of that.
He wanted to watch the video over and over. I can’t help but feel like me
staying there and having that environment played a HUGE role in my passing. God
is always in control, although some times are more obvious than others.
I left Nashville that day feeling better than I ever had about
an exam but afraid to let myself count my chickens. I reflected as we headed
home on all the changes I made, like an algebra equation. I had changed every
single variable. Frank went with me this time, which had never happened before,
and I know really helped. I had a nice play to stay with quiet and relaxing
atmosphere, great food, and immense support. I was in a comfortable city –
somewhere I loved and enjoyed being – definitely not the case in Lexington or
Louisville. I had a smaller test room with fewer people and no distractions –
none of the sea of people getting up and down and causing my mind to wander,
none of those pencil people coming around to annoy me, none of the smart people
sitting across from me finishing first and making me paranoid that I was going
to fail because I wasn’t done, none of the people getting up and leaving and
never coming back. You think I made those up but I am completely serious. Those
are actual issues. I would see someone get up during the exams in the past and
think, “YOU ARE WASTING TIME! THIS IS NO
TIME TO GO TO THE BATHROOM! YOU NEED TO HOLD IT!” All the while I was dying
to go myself. I would see someone leave 2 hours in and not come back and
wonder, “Did they finish already?!?! Why
am I not finished already?! Did they give up?! WHERE ARE YOU GOING SIR?! CAN I
GO WITH YOU?!” And when the girl across from me would finish with half an
hour (or more) left to go, I’d wonder the same thing. “Why aren’t I done? Am I stupid? I’m going to fail again, I may as well
give up now.” These were my panic switches. I couldn’t focus, I would tell
myself it was over, and in a sense it would be. But this last time felt
different.
The fact that I turned 30 in September also scared me to
death. I felt like I should have been so much farther down the road than I was.
But, this is another way I am blessed. The week I turned 30, and a couple weeks
before results came out, we had a conference in Berea, Kentucky at the Brushy
Fork Institute. In 2016, I attended with Frank. I met a group of people that
were so supportive of me when I told them about my bar failures. That week in
2016 changed me for the better and actually helped me in ways I didn’t expect.
I was so excited to be coming back. It’s kind of this big amazing convention
with multitudes of Appalachian leaders and people who are changing their
communities in Appalachia one small project at a time. You get to meet these
people, exchange ideas, hear stories of strength and accomplishment, and really
feel good about life. The 2017 conference was even better than I expected. I met
some ladies from Manchester, Kentucky who really changed my outlook. I saw the
work they were doing and how they had transformed their town and it was
awe-inspiring. Little did I know that the track I had chosen to take part in
was being taught by the same couple who had given them their start at
revitalization. I came away from this experience meeting some wonderful people.
Inspiring people. Vaughn and Sandy Grisham were two of the sweetest most
inspiring people I had ever met. I loved every second I spent in that track and
I came away with so many ideas to fix my little town. And most of you reading
this know I have done volunteer work in the past, but this is different. I have
been looking for new ways to give back and make my home better for a long time.
We are in such desperate need of help and change and I’m tired of waiting on county
government to fix our problems. I’m going to step up as best I can and make
things happen for this community that I love so much. Thanks to Brushy Fork I
have figured out so many ways and I am working on these projects every day.
They’re just slow moving. I can’t tell you though, how much Brushy Fork changed
my life. It is always a wonderful and moving experience, and I will go as long
as God and Brushy Fork allows me to do so.
I was in Louisville with Frank for a few days after Brushy
Fork for a conference. My birthday was on Friday, September 22. Frank knew I
dreaded it so bad. He wanted to make this day special for me. He called up our
ride or die friends who surprised me by driving to Louisville and meeting us
for dinner. Let me say, that I am blessed with friends. I have some of the best
people in the world as my friends. As of late, on top of our already amazing
friendship list, Frank and I have been lucky enough to spend time with a couple
who are a lot like us, and have fun with, who have become our family. Dave and
Britt, I can’t thank you for being there for us the last few months. You’ve
been there when we needed you and it means more than I can ever express. You’ve
barged in my house and ran me off the couch when I didn’t want to go anywhere,
but I’m always glad I do. I hope we still have this much fun and are still as
close 20 years from now. Forever, actually. And it turns out, that because of
all my wonderful friends and family, turning 30 wasn’t so bad. Passing the bar
didn’t hurt either. It made turning 30 a lot sweeter, like this was somehow my
year. I thought it was going to be 2015
– graduation, a wedding, bar passage – but no. It was this year – turning 30, beating the odds, passing not one but as it
turned out, two bar exams, changing
my community a little at a time, and getting my life back together.
It’s very surreal, my passing. Always before, I would know
in my gut I failed. Even if I felt semi-ok when the bar was over, when it got
within a few days of results, the feeling of failure would creep back over me
like a bad storm and I would know. And I was always right. This time was just…different. I felt great. I didn’t worry.
Even when the results took a week longer than normal, I was still fine. Until
that morning, that is, when I got a little nervous. Sometime during the night
before the morning results were released I had a dream, and it was almost
calming. It occurred to me sometime after while still in my sleep that it was a
dream, but even then I was thinking, “this
is new.” In the past I had dreamed I failed, because I knew. This time, I dreamed that I
passed, and in my dream I told my daddy I passed and we were so excited. I woke
up that morning almost excited, but still so nervous. I must have refreshed my
email 20 times, just silently begging for it to be over. And there it was,
after a refresh.
Notice from the TN
Board of Law Examiners. That was the subject line.
Was that good news? I was really afraid if wasn’t. That was
NOT the subject line when people passed in Kentucky. That was the “Sorry you suck at life and you failed” subject
line. But, I opened it anyway. And there were those beautiful, perfect words
that I had waited so long to read. “We
are pleased to inform you that you successfully completed the July 2017
Tennessee Bar Examination.”
I had passed. I had actually passed.
But had I? Was it safe? Had they made a mistake? Could I
actually believe it? I started crying, sobbing really, and trying to catch my
breath. I read it over and over and over. I cried harder. I was standing and all
at once I felt my legs gave way as I took a step and I just collapsed into the
floor on my knees.
“THANK YOU, GOD! Thank
you so much!” I just kept repeating that phrase, and crying, and trying to
breathe, which turned into hyperventilating, which turned into sobbing. Which
turned into 5 minutes and I hadn’t called anybody!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! SHOUT THIS NEWS TO THE WORLD.
I text my husband first because I thought he was in a
meeting, but I didn’t get a response right away. I text my brother, but he
already knew because he knew that scores came out and he had already checked
the website and saw my name. He was typing me a congratulatory text as I sent
him the news. I called dad to tell him, crying so hard I couldn’t talk and he
couldn’t understand me at first. Frank still had not text me back so I called
him, still crying, and finally got out the words I know he had waited so long
to hear.
Y’all, bless my husband. He had so much faith in me that I
didn’t even realize. He actually bought me a legal keyboard months before I
passed because he never doubted that I would. He had enough faith for both of
us. Anyway, I continued texting and calling people long into the night. I still
couldn’t believe it and part of me was afraid to tell anyone at all. It just
did not seem real that it was finally
happening. And that hasn’t really changed, even after yesterday.
By mid afternoon on the day I learned I passed, I was so
excited that I couldn’t stand it. I figured how to get my MBE score transferred
to Kentucky. That was all I needed. Two birds with one stone. But. No matter
how many times I’ve read the words I am still in shock. Even after being sworn
in, I just keep waiting for the follow up call that tells me it was a mistake.
I let that thought scare me enough that I started getting
paranoid the night I passed. I looked at posted statistics and talked myself
into believing that I still hadn’t received an MBE score high enough to
transfer to Kentucky. Statistics showed that you could pass the MBE in Tennessee
without that high of a score and I just knew I was one of those people. I would
have to retake this again. I just knew it. However, when I had transferred to
Kentucky I also paid for something called a score advisory, which tells you
whether or not you met a score for a few different jurisdictions, which would
give me an idea if I had a score high enough for Kentucky standards. By the
following Monday, I received the score advisory and the confirmation that I was
about to be an attorney in Kentucky as well. My score was high enough, people! Who
knew?! I had actually done it. I just kept reading all the words over and over
trying to convince myself.
Later that day, I couldn’t help myself. I went to make my
first big girl purchase and bought furniture. I didn’t know how long it would
be before I had an actual office, but the urge struck me and on a spur of the
moment decision I bought a few pieces of office furniture. I went looking for
one piece of furniture – a hall table – and I walked out owning a small
bookshelf, two rocking chairs, plus a small prestigious end or corner table and
two nice chairs for my future office. I
was so excited I couldn’t stand it.
Today is Saturday. Today makes six weeks and one day since I
got the news. It still hasn’t sunk in completely. Even after being sworn in yesterday. I know
some of you are probably thinking I shouldn’t be this open about what happened.
It’s embarrassing. It’s painful. It’s too much information. And for some of you,
it may be. But somewhere out there, there is someone whose life will be made
better by this story. Somewhere out there, someone is struggling just like me,
and they need to know that it’s OK. They need to know they can overcome it.
They need to know they can and will achieve their dream; they just need
to keep going. Giving up was never an
option, no matter what.
My entire life, there have been people who have tried to
hold me back, or tried to discourage me, and tried to tell me I couldn’t do
something. I’ve always fought hard to prove them wrong. There were two REALLY
awful and arrogant professors in law school who did everything within their
power to break me. They took joy and pleasure in making my life miserable and
trying to make my grade point average suffer. But I didn’t let them win. I took
my anger and my hurt and I channeled it into making my dreams come true. It’s
been my experience that people who have to earn things end up appreciating them
more. And that’s me. And it’s also been my experience that when people feel
threatened, they take out their insecurities on other unsuspecting people. I
don’t want to be those people. I want to earn what I get, and show respect for
all those who got me here and all those around me. I earned my law degree. I earned
my license. And, in spite of so many. I
overcame all the odds to get where I am.
When people criticized me for going home so much in law school, I did it
anyway. When people judged me for going to concerts when I was in law school
instead of spending every waking minute in the library, I did it anyway. When
people told me that I needed to stop fighting those two professors and their
attitudes so hard, I did it anyway. That’s just who I am.
Don’t get me wrong, there are some outstanding and also very
important professors at Chase that were more than instrumental in my career and
helping me get where I am. But there were definitely those who did their part
to try and hold me back. To those – William Jones and Donyetta Bailey – I say,
“I won.” Today I woke up a licensed attorney. I’m glad you took joy in my
misery, but all you did was light a fire in me. That wasn’t your intention, I
know. But regardless, it was the outcome.
To all those struggling – with a professor, a parent, a friend, a
significant other – someone who is standing in your way – someone who is
holding you back – you will make it
through this. If you need moral support, I am here. I will help you. You are
stronger than you know, and no matter what anyone tells you, it is going to be worth it.
Trust me.
To all those who supported me, I thank you. From the bottom
of my heart, I truly thank you, for every kind word, smile, encouraging speech,
small gift you thought was miniscule or irrelevant, and all the support you
gave me on this journey. To those who wrote letters on my behalf to Tennessee –
Professor Bickers, Professor Stephens, Professor Kinsley, Dr. DeSalvo – you
helped make this possible. To Professor McFarland – thank you for never giving
up on me, sitting down with me time after time, listening to my grief and
frustration, and convincing me not to give up. But most of all, thank you for
believing in me. To Doc – you are the reason I am here. You made it happen. You
helped me find my problem, and you helped me solve it. I can never repay you,
but I swear to you, I will pay it forward.
To my friends and my other family – the ones who also
believed in me more than I believed in myself (you know who you are), you are
my cheer section. You have been #TeamJess
for so long and I know that in ways this victory was sweet for you, too. Thank
you, for your love, your support, and your pep talks. For every trip we went
together, every Friday night dinner, every encouraging text or smile, small
token of affection, you are a part of my success. I love you all, and I
couldn’t have done it without you.
To my mom, my dad, and my brother, there are not enough words. You went through
this journey with me my entire life. 30 years. You made me who I am. You looked
after me. You supported me. You suffered with me. You watched me succeed and
you watched me fail. You pushed me when I felt like I couldn’t make it. And you
stood with me when others would have given up. There is no amount of words that
can tell you what all of that means to me. Hopefully, I will be able to give
back to you what you’ve given me. We’re a strong family, a strong team. I love
you and I appreciate you enough for more than a lifetime.
To my husband, you are my rock. I love you with all of my
heart and soul and I hope that I can always be there for you like you have been
for me. I know this was a difficult road for you. I know it hasn’t been easy to
ride this ride and watch me suffer and suffer yourself in the process, but you
had an unwavering support and love system that is no short feat. I don’t know
how you became so strong but you have carried me for two years without so much
as a complaint or a negative word. You have never lost faith in me and I can’t
tell you what that means. I couldn’t have made it without you babe, without
everything you have done for me, and now, we can finally work on all those
dreams of ours coming true together. And, I can’t wait.
I heard a song on the radio a few weeks ago, and it reminded
me so much of myself, and so appropriately timed for me to hear. I am definitely
my father’s child. As a closer, I am
going to leave the lyrics here. I hope my story has helped you somehow, and if
I can help you in any other way, I’m just a phone call or email away. Once
again, this victory isn’t MINE, it is OURS.
Let us relish in it.
Jessica Lewis Baker. Esq.
Attorney at Law
jessicalrlewis@yahoo.com
Those That Like Me Love Me
Brantley Gilbert
Oh yeah
Ain't gonna lie, I can count on both hands
My down to ride 'til the day I die friends
To get them, I'd like to think
That I'm few and far between
Guys like me, you want in an alley with ya
Up a creek, ain't a doubt I'm gonna paddle with ya
Go to bat, go to church, go to battle with ya
They can say what they want about me, but
The ones that need me got me
The ones that doubt me can't stop me
Even the ones that said forget him
You can bet they ain't forgot me
Either wanna hit me or hold me
Those that hate me don't know me
And the ones that don't trust anybody trust me
Yeah, the ones that like me love me
Speak my mind, don't mind who's listenin'
I'll ask forgiveness, 'fore I ask permission
Least with me you know what you're gettin'
You may not get a thing about me, but
The ones that need me got me
The ones that doubt me can't stop me
Even the ones that said forget him
You can bet they ain't forgot me
Either wanna hit me or hold me
Those that hate me don't know me
And the ones that don't trust anybody trust me
Yeah, the ones that like me love me
Yeah, they love me
And I ain't perfect, I'm a simple man
I got a sinner's mind, but I can fold my hands
I ain't afraid to pray and I do know who I am, yeah
And the ones that need me got me
Ones that doubt me can't stop me
Even the ones that said forget him
Bet your ass they ain't forgot me
Either wanna hit me or hold me
Those that hate me don't know me
And the ones that don't trust anybody trust me
Yeah, the ones that like me love me
The ones that like me love me
And if you don't
Probably a pretty good chance I don't like you either
