For Marie

Today I wore the prettiest necklace.  It was a sterling silver heart, on a round rope chain. The heart wasn’t whole though, it has little holes all about it. It was made that way. And it represented just how I felt.  Today, my heart was filled with a few holes.  Today, I said goodbye to one of the greatest women I have ever had the privilege of knowing, Mrs. Marie Garrison. Marie gave me that necklace years ago, and I felt it only right that I wear it today, in her honor.  I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that she's gone. It doesn't seem possible to walk into the bank and not see her sitting behind her desk. But unfortunately, I will never see that again.

I had 4 years working alongside Marie. I don’t remember ever meeting her before I started working at Hyden Citizens Bank, but I can’t imagine my life without her. When I started there, I never knew the impact she would have on me. She became one of few great women in my life; one of the best role models, co-workers and friends I could ever have been lucky enough to meet.

Sometimes people come into your life with a purpose that you can’t see. Whether it’s to teach you, to love you, to be there for you, to understand you, to guide you, to push you, to find something in you that you can’t find in yourself, or to be somebody you can look up to.  Marie was one of those people who did all that in my life.  When I lost my granny, it wasn’t long after that I went to work at Hyden Citizens Bank. Marie filled the void that my heart had after losing the most important woman in my life. She was all the things my granny was – humble, loving, funny, full of joy and laughter, smiles and stories, and a hug and kind word when you needed it.  She was there for me, she advised me, and she loved me.  She was the best boss I could ever ask for – always understanding, never demeaning, and so patient. I remember being out in my drawer several times the first few weeks because our system was different than the one I had left at Community Trust, and it took me a while to learn it. She was patient with me, she knew I would learn.

Marie believed in me, through everything I did. When I thought I had to go off to Tennessee and chase my music dream, she supported me. She let me come back and work weekends and Holidays and any other time I could. She helped keep me a job when I could have been turned away.  When she thought I was leaving she brought me in her office, and gave me a picnic basket that I know probably cost a fortune, and that sterling silver necklace. Just how my granny used to buy me things. When I went through my heartbreak with my ex boyfriend and the depression that followed, she was right there.  I loved Marie. I loved her so much.

I loved hearing her laugh. Watching her smile when she told a funny story. About the time she got to the funny part she'd hunch her shoulders and cackle a little. She had the sweetest laugh. And smile. And the best heart. Her heart was big enough for a multitude of people. She loved everyone. She grieved with you. She laughed with you.  She stuck with you, no matter what.  When I needed her, she was there. Every. Single. Time. Even when I didn't need her, she was there, waiting to be needed. I know she was proud of me when I came home, when I took full time at the bank. I know she loved me.  

After I took full time at Hurts Creek I rarely saw her. Sometimes I would take my early day and go see her and the other girls at the main branch. I wish now that I had done it more often. I wish I had spent more time with her, like I should have. When I found out she was sick, I was devastated.  I remember reliving the moment when I found out Granny was sick.  The first time I went to see Marie in the hospital, I took her strawberries.  She loved strawberries. And Martins, she loved watching the Martins, and she talked about them all the time. That day I saw her, she looked so good. Absolutely beautiful. I wondered how she could really be sick, because she sure didn't look or sound it. But that's how Marie was, strong and courageous.  She lived her whole life that way, always putting on a smile for everyone no matter what.   

And there I was, losing another great lady, the same way I lost the first, my granny. It took Marie one month longer to go than my granny, but I still didn’t go see her the way I should have, I still didn’t say the things I wanted to her – the things I should have said to her.

The last time I went to see her it was such a drastic change. She was groggy from the medication I guess, but nowhere near the Marie I knew and loved. I took her a Diet Pepsi and two packs of nabs, and a little plastic yellow flower in a vase. Something sunny for her to look at I'd hoped, and maybe brighten her spirits. She already had a nice supply of Diet Pepsi and nabs, however, so that didn't help very much. We talked for a half hour or so. I told her I'd started going to church, she seemed so pleased. I'm pretty pleased with myself, too. I'm going for the right reasons. As I got up to leave, I didn't want to move everything out of the way to hug her because everything was set up so nice for her. I just rubbed the side of her leg and told her I'd come back in a few days. As I stood there, looking at her, I remembered how much I regretted not saying everything I had wanted to my granny before she died. How I didn't want to lose that chance with Marie. She looked up at me and tried to smile, and said, "I love you, Jessica." I had a chance, only one. Should I take it, should I tell her what I wanted her to know?

“Thank you for being a light in my life. Thank you for being such a great example. Thank you for all the kind words you said to me when I was going through heartbreak and depression. Thank you for helping shape me into the person I am, for making me feel like I can do things and encouraging me to follow my dreams. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your family and for being so great to work with. But most of all, thank you for loving me.”

That’s what I wanted to say, but that’s not what I said. All I could say was, “I love you too, Marie, so, so much.” I didn’t want her to think I felt like it was the last time we’d talk, even though I knew it would be. I could feel it. I’d been there before. I just hope she knows how much she meant to me.

I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. Death changes us, but life also changes us. People were put into our lives for a reason, and they are taken for a reason. The preacher at the funeral today said a lot but something I paid the most attention to was when he said “Don’t blame God.” I don’t. If I were God, I would want such an amazing person like Marie with me too. I am jealous though, that he gets to be with her. I want her here. At Home. With me. With her family.  But I guess she is home. As beautiful an Angel as she was on Earth, I know she will shine even brighter in Heaven.  

Something else the preacher said is that we have no guarantees in life. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. That’s why more so now than ever, I will try even harder to do the things I want, see the things I want, and show people how much I care about them, before my tomorrows stop coming. Living life to its fullest is so important. You only have one ride on the rollercoaster. And that’s just what it is, a rollercoaster. You have your slow ups, your fast downs, moments of excitement, moments of fear, moments you feel like you’re flying, moments when you feel like you’re about to die, and just when you think you’ve got it under control, the ride is over.

Marie was fortunate enough to see a lot of beautiful places, have a husband and family, and love them more than anything. I think she accomplished most of what she wanted to in life. Maybe some things she didn’t even know she did, like touching lives far and wide, lives just like mine. My life was forever changed because of her. And I know many more were too. I want to be like her. I want to see beautiful places, marry my best friend and raise a family, and live a life so that I might touch the lives of others.  I want to love others and be loved as Marie was.  I have time to accomplish all that, I hope. 

But, I feel so awful for all those she left behind. Her family, her siblings, her co-workers whom she stood beside of for upwards of 30 years, and her many friends.  I know her husband John and her mother especially will have such a hard time. I hugged her mother yesterday at the wake, she is such a gentle soul. That must be where Marie got it from.  She was crying, but I hugged her. She took my hand and told me she loved me. I told her I loved her too, and that I was there if she needed anything. I can’t imagine what she has went through. What she will go through. Marie meant so much to so many people.  We are all going to be lost without her, for a long time. But time heals all wounds. We may move on with our lives, but we will never forget Marie, and what she meant to us. But we will also never fill the void she left in our hearts by being taken too soon. I know that I will try to be like her. I will lead by example the way she did. I will always love her. And I will miss her, more than words can express.

This year at Relay for Life, I will walk for her. I will walk for both my grannies, my uncle, and all those who have been taken too soon by Cancer. I will continue to raise money, to fight the fight against the disease that has taken so many lives. I encourage you to do the same. Help fight the fight, and walk the walk at Relay for Life. 

I’ve said what I needed to say, more than enough probably. But there could never be enough said about such a kind, gentle, loving soul like that of Marie. Please cherish those you love and the time you have with them. Tomorrow may be all we have.

Rest in peace Marie, you will certainly be missed.   

John 14:1-4 “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.”