Killian Ray Sandlin. That’s what they named you. Against my
wishes, and generous offer of financial support.
Sort of.
Don’t get me wrong, I love your middle name, because you
were named after two of the greatest men I have ever known and loved, your
great grandfather, Billy Ray Day, and your grandfather, Raymond. But your first
name; Lawd, Jesus. It just hasn’t
grown on me yet. It wasn’t what I expected. But I love you anyway, so don’t be
angry with me. I begged your mother to change it. I offered money. I did a
sacrifice to the Gods. Well, maybe not that last one. But the thought crossed
my mind. Anything that I could think
of. But, alas, you went home in an outfit that had Killian printed on it. And you, baby boy, were beautiful, despite
the name I found less than favorable. So, I took to calling you Baby Dave. Your
mother said that was acceptable. Sorry in advance.
Allow me to introduce myself: I’m your Aunt Jess. Not by
blood, unfortunately, but your mother is my best friend in the entire world.
When I say best friend, I mean, she’s the Thelma to my Louise. The Monica to my
Rachel. The Blanche and Rose to my Dorothy and Sophia. You’ll get all these
references at some point in your life, but right now you just need to know that
even though she ain’t blood, she’s my family. You will need some background on
this. I’ll start there.
Picture it. Wooton. 2015. It was late one night. Your dad’s
cousin Timmy had bought a house with his soon to be wife, Maddie. We were all
hanging out, looking at the house. Your
mother was leaning against the wall. ANGRY. And when I say angry, I mean angry. Her RBF (I’ll explain that when
you’re older, too) was wayyyyyyy off the charts that night. We made eye
contact. OH. DEAR. GOD. She hates me.
I can tell. She must think I have been flirting with Dave. That’s a no. Wonder
why she don’t like me? Hrmmm. Maybe I can be funny. Tried that. Eye contact.
NOPE. That didn’t work. Ok, I guess she’s just gonna hate me then. Moving on.
Your dad and Timmy were partners in a local café. Your
family is super close, and it’s a great and beautiful thing. They kinda took me
in, which is even better. That’s how we all became friends. Your mother came
into the café one night when I was there. She was wearing a Brantley Gilbert
concert tee shirt. SCORE. I KNOW WHAT WE CAN TALK ABOUT. OMG. YAY. You will
never know this side of me because it is now long gone, but I used to hate when people didn’t like me. Now, well,
hahahahaha. Let’s all laugh together.
Anywho. I try talking to your mother again. I strike up a
conversation. About concerts. Perfection. SUCCESS. This time goes much better.
We talk all about our love for concerts and music. Next thing I know, me, her,
your Aunt Ashley and Maddie were bonding over a mushmellon campfire until 1 in
the morning at the café. I wasn’t partaking in the mushmellon because I find
them gross and not delightful in the least. I was the only one not partaking in
the mushmellon campfire, but the important part of the story is that we were
making great conversation AND I MADE HER LAUGH. Because, well, I’m funny.
Hysterical, really, you will see.
DID WE JUST BECOME BEST FRIENDS?! Yep. We did. I’ll let your
mother school you on that reference, someday. HINT: she’s a HUGE fan of the movie
this quote is from.
So anywho. I don’t know when it happened. That night was
just the start. But somehow, in a very short time, between a very unhealthy addiction
to Lilly Pulitzer, concerts, memes, 90s country music, and sarcasm – your mother
and I became best friends. It’s like one day I met her, and the next day, I
couldn’t live without her. I didn’t know how I managed to survive without
having her in my life all those years. Like, she got me. She just automatically
knew who I was. Like she peered her eyes into my soul or something just as
insane. That was 4 years ago. Now, we’re just family. I attend family functions
and its accepted. She’s my sister, and I love her. I would take a bullet for
her, jump in front of a moving car, pretty much anything I could do to save
her, and I’d do it without thinking twice. That’s a weird thing to say, I know.
But, it’s true. This is the emotional part of the story. The joke is on your
mother if she is reading this right now because she hates it when I’m
emotional, and even more when I make her emotional. The day you were born, she
told me the night before that if I got emotional she was kicking me out of the
room. She’s a tad bit moody sometimes. Super dramatic. Sorry, kiddo, you get to
live with that.
So here goes. Your mother has seen me through some rough
times. Divorce. Heartbreaks. Sickness. Failures. Deaths. New jobs. Happy times.
Every major life event I’ve had in the last 4 years pretty much, and there have
been many. MANY. This is how great your mother is. The day I was supposed to
get my bar exam results back, she and your Aunt Ashley and I went to Nashville.
I knew I was going to get bad results and I wanted to be somewhere happy. We
left early. I got the results around noon. We were in the mall. I failed. They
sat with me while I cried. They gave me pep talks. They sat with me at George
Jones’ grave while I cried some more. Your mother picked up my pieces. And it
wouldn’t be the first time. When I passed the bar, we celebrated. We have best
friend pictures. When I got divorced, she got me through. When I had my first
heartbreak thereafter, she sat with me and cried again, and reminded me who I
was and that it was not the end of my life. She read an uplifting book and she
underlined all the quotes in it for me that she wanted me to see. She never lets
me down. She did background checks on all the men who dared to talk to me. She
made threats. She gave death stares. She picked up my broken pieces so many
times. Now, she has a tracker on my phone and she makes sure she doesn’t lose
me and I don’t die. She can reason with me and help me make decisions and most
importantly, she judges me, all day err day and my clothing choices. Once she
even offered to burn a skirt for me. Real friendship right there. She protects
me. She loves me. She knows me inside and out, and we have a bond that I’ve
only ever seen in movies. And truthfully, it is one of the best things about my
life. I know that no matter what, she is a constant, and I can count on her to
always be in my life. I think that’s why I love you so much. Because you came
from this person who has been one of the biggest blessings in my life and who
has helped me get my life back together so many times. She saved me. She saves
me every day in some way. And I am there for her, just as much as I can be, and
just as much as she lets me be. She will tell you that. She knows how much I
love her and Dave, and your family. They are family to me. And I wouldn’t trade
them for anything on earth. And I would do anything on this earth for you.
Now that you’re caught up, let’s talk about you! YAY. It was a very exciting day the
day you came. Your mother told me not to be there until 10:30 but I got there a
little early. Originally, I was supposed to transport your grandpa Jr. and Aunt
Anna to the hospital, but as unfortunate circumstances would have it, he had to
have a little procedure and had not been released from the hospital yet. So, I
went over to help your Grammy Val occupy your Aunt Anna. She’s gonna read this
someday, too, and probably kill me. But I wouldn’t trade her either. She was
wild that day. But SO excited to meet you.
She begged for you to come on out. We were all a little anxious for your
arrival, but none more anxious than Anna. She fed me more junk food than I’d
eaten probably since a road trip with your mother. Gummies. Dried up yogurt
things that made me want to vomit. Blueberry puffs. Reese Cups. Cow tales.
Starbursts. You name it. I ate it. I also found some of it weeks later in my
purse. I ate that, too. No shame.
ROCK! PAPER! SCISSORS! JESSICA! SHOOT!
JESSICA! WATCHU DRINKIN?
JESSICA! WATCHU EATIN?
WHERE YOU GET THAT GUM?
HOW YOU GET HERE?
I LIKE THAT RING, WHO BUY THAT FOR YOU?
I LIKE YOUR NECKLACE, WHO MADE DAT?
JESSICA! I BRUSH YOUR HAIR.
JESSICA! YOU HUNGRY?
I finally got to the bathroom. JESSICA!!!! WATCHU DOIN IN
THERE?! YOU COMIN’ OUT? YOU PEEING? COME OUT JESSICA!!! This actually brought
back memories of when your cousin Laura Jane, or as we call her, LJ was born,
and Dave tried to use the bathroom until Anna beat the door down while we all
laughed. So fun.
We had to leave the room for the epidural to be inserted.
Anna is in charge. JESSICA! LETS GO NOW! YOU GET UP! She was a bossy little
thing. I tried to get her take a nap. Many times. No dice. She brushed my hair.
She gave me a tattoo with an eyeliner pen. She put makeup on me when Ashley got
done giving your mother a makeover. Your mother looked dead for a minute, but
it was a little funeral parlor-esque in there. She was quite hateful. I opted
not to bring my pocket knife in case she tried to use it to stab your father.
Dave was not on her good list there for a hot minute.
She asked me what I was drinking when I first came in. It
was an energy drink, in preparation for what I knew would be a long day. Before
I could answer, Grammy Val told her it was beer. Because apparently, beer is
bad, but energy drinks are good. So…I became the drunk in the room, pretty much
all day. Such a fun joke to tell everyone. JESSICA IS DRINKING BEER. Yes, at 10
AM. And I continuously run into things so that didn’t help the joke. Actual
quote from Grammy Val, “Well, if you hadn’t drunk all that beer this morning…”
No, I’d still be running into everything because I can’t stand up in an acre of
ground. Drunk or sober, that’s just who I am.
At one point, I’m on my phone and I hear Grammy Val say,
“Why can’t you eat that like a normal person?” Because Anna dissects her food.
Cow Tales. Reese Cups. She takes it allllllllll apart and eats it separately,
or not at all. But that wasn’t near as entertaining as Britt on the Fentanyl
drip. Daddy Dave told us the nurses told her it would be an hour. That an hour
was the ‘sweet spot.’ Of course, Grammy Val being Val says, “well, if it gets
any sweeter than that…” because it was epically clear that Britt felt nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch. And, that
was much better than the alternative that we had previously seen. And maannnnnn
kiddo were you slooooowwwww making it out. We waited allllllllllll day. Just
like we did for LJ. About the same amount of time, maybe a little longer. I
guess you just weren’t ready. But, you were so worth the wait.
I had left the hospital but when it got close to show time,
your father text me to tell me to come back. I raced back to the hospital from
over 10 miles away on a curvy, insane road, near dusk. I turned my flashers on,
and probably ran people off the road. My brakes were hot. When I got out of the
car at the hospital I was in cowboy boots and I ran all the way inside, and
practically ran through the elevator wall. I crashed into it, technically, but the lady I almost fell into was nice enough to hit the button to the 3rd floor because I was trying to breathe. The elevator doors open. I ran toward the delivery room doors
only to be stopped and told I wouldn’t be allowed in. ALL THAT TROUBLE AND I AM
GOING TO MISS IT. I was a little upset. So was your Aunt Ashley. We tried to
sneak in several ways. We failed. But hey, it’s the thought that counts.
It was a short hour or so to us, but what I imagine was a
very long hour for your mother, and there you were. Several of us were waiting
outside the nursery window watching for you. When they came wheeling you in,
you’d have thought somebody flipped a switch outside. All of us were crying.
Well, except Anna. But I could feel my heart exploding with love for you. You
were so beautiful. I don’t have any children of my own. At least not at the
time of this publication and the way my life goes, when you read this I will
probably be the fun Aunt who has no children but who is always a good time.
Maybe not. Life is funny sometimes. I just know that watching you in there, I
couldn’t wait to hold you.
Once they got your mother settled, we all poured in, but it
was close to the end of visiting hours, so I think you got passed around for a quick
(but ever so important) 15 minutes before everyone exited. I caught the first
pictures of your daddy holding you, and your Grammy and a few others, and I
caught some excellent photos of you and your mama after everyone left. I was
just overwhelmed with emotion holding you. I’m sure I said something meaningful
and emotional at the time, but I couldn’t tell you what it was now. You were so
perfect. And I knew I would love you forever.
You’ve been here three months now, and it doesn’t seem real.
You can hold your head up by yourself. You can roll over by yourself. You are
only soothed by the sounds of Ice Cube, thanks to your very 90s rap enthused
mother. But you are my little nephew that I love and cherish and see as much as
I can. I went to visit you a few weeks ago, and I sang you to sleep with Tyler
Childers. Don’t worry, I will educate you on GOOD music someday. But what a
wonderful feeling it was getting you to sleep and having you fall asleep on me.
I would have sat there all night if I could have. Getting chosen to be your
aunt and getting to watch you grow up is one of my greatest blessings.
The sad part of this story, is that not long after you were
born, a short few weeks ago, we lost your grandpa. Raymond “Big Jr.” Standafer
he was known as. But he loved you something fierce. He was a fighter, he was
strong, and he was a good man, despite his own opinions of himself. His
opinions were known to be a little skewed at times. But, he was so proud to be
your Grandpa. And I know, that no matter what happens, he will ALWAYS be
watching over you from above, and keeping you and LJ and all your family safe.
You are so lucky to be born into the two families you were. And so, so blessed.
You are so loved, kiddo. You will never know how much.
I hate to end here. It’s been a fun story to tell. But
always know that I will love you and I will be here for you as long as I draw
breath. You may not be my blood, but you are my nephew. I may not be a fan of
your first name, but I love your guts, little man. I hope someday, by some
miracle of God I am able to become a mom, and give you a little kid to play
with. But, if that doesn’t happen, you will still be loved no matter what, and
you will always be important to me. I am a lot of things, but loyal is one of
the most important, and when I love, I love hard. It’s a blessing and a curse.
But you, sweet boy, will always be one of my loves, and one of my favorite
stories. Don’t grow up too fast, Aunt Jess can’t take it. I love you big, kiddo.
Love,
Aunt Jess.
