Summer At A Glance: How My Life Changed Forever

You know those dreams you have, the ones when you wake up, you think, “Wow, I wish that really happened…” Well, I lived that moment, several times in fact, this summer. Only it wasn’t a dream. I lived it.  So many things happened where I stopped and thought, “I can’t believe this is reality.” It was one of two of the most perfect summers of my life. I say two because last summer was pretty perfect, for a lot of reasons. I found out who I am, I had a lot of fun, and I grew into the person I had always wanted to be. A lot of things were responsible, and a few people. One person especially, because they helped me realize my law dream and push me in the ways that I needed to succeed.  But alas, I have had multitudes of supporters in that department, and I absolutely cannot thank all of you enough. But let’s get back to the heart of the matter, this summer.

On May 11, before summer even began, and exactly one month to the day after receiving an email from Chase Law School stating they had received my application and would be getting back to me in four weeks – I got another email with the subject line “NKU – Congrats!”

I. Freaked. Out

I was at work and received the email on my phone. I was speechless for about all of two seconds. Then I just shouted, “I got in!!!!” to the entire bank lobby.  So my customer in the drive thru, and the customer that Randi was waiting on in the lobby, ended up having bad timing. They had to wait as two seemingly retarded blonde chicks decided to jump up and down and hug frantically in celebration mode. Then it was past time to switch back to reality. “Thank you, have a nice day!”

The first thing I did, obviously, was call my brother. He didn’t seem as thrilled as I’d hoped at the time, but he’s coming around. Slowly. Then I called my parents. They were excited. Then I sent out a mass text to my nearest and dearest friends and family telling them the good news. It was a surreal moment in my life. A day I thought would never come, when I could actually announce with certainty my admission into a school of law.

Before this time, I had given up on it. Well, not entirely, but I thought that it was probably best I did. I knew my LSAT scores weren’t adequate, and I honestly felt that taking the LSAT again would be more than excruciating after my first two attempts. And you can only take it twice in three years. It just didn’t seem like the dream was going to fall into place. So, I started looking for other options. Not that I didn’t love working at the bank, because I did. But it was never going to pay me what I needed to live on, and it was never going to give me the opportunity to move up and be the successful person I had always dreamed of being. Or if it did, I would probably be near retirement.

I applied for a marketing job in Hazard that paid pretty well. I got an interview, thought I had the job, but they sent me a letter a week later telling me they had found a better candidate. Ugh. Sadness. I actually had a degree for that one.

So. I knew I loved kids. I knew I loved being around kids. I had once thought of being a teacher. Why not? I began getting feedback from some important people in my life and their thoughts on the subject, which rendered mixed reviews from all. Everyone knew my real dream and they didn’t want to discourage me but they weren’t going to lie and tell me they thought I would make a bad teacher either. So. I looked into programs. I had always loved LMU – the area, the school, and the feel. They had an 18-month Masters program that would allow me to teach with my music business degree. Again, why not?

One week after I had decided I would try to apply to the program, I got my acceptance into Chase, the school I had really wanted to go to. I knew it was meant to be. At this point, I can really only thank God, my parents, and a small handful of other people who helped me get there.  Mostly God. Here’s why: He made it happen.

I’m drifting away from the task at hand, which is how this summer was life-changing, but there is a point. All my life I’ve heard the phrase “everything happens for a reason.” When I got that acceptance letter, I believed it.

So many things had to come together for me to be able to end up at that place. First, my three-year relationship had to end last year. It was a devastating blow, but it was really for the best. I had to find a way to get back on my feet, pull myself together, and force myself to do some soul searching that I desperately needed. I had to ask myself what I wanted out of life, not what I was willing to settle for. I had to have a conversation that would change my life with someone who would also change my life, which would lead to me taking the LSAT for the first time. I had to fail miserably the first time, enough to really put my heart into it the second time, and get tutoring from the bestest tutor ever, Clarissa Constantine. Then there was the horrid day, in which I took the LSAT the second time, and which if you all read the blog about it then you know that God was in control or I would never have even been admitted to take the test. But I failed miserably again. So, I felt like my dream was gone. It just made me appreciate it that much more when I got in. And realize I had help.

Not only that, but I recently found out that I didn’t get the marketing job in Hazard because I had a faulty background check. They saw some other Jessica Lewis who had a record and wouldn’t hire me. However, if they hadn’t, they would have hired me, and I would never have applied to law school. Everything happens for a reason…

After the LSAT scores the first time were horrible, I was hesitant to apply to any school. I didn’t apply to UK at all. I didn’t want laughed at. I applied to a school in Charlotte, NC, Knoxville, TN, and I waited to apply to Chase.  Randomly, I got an email from the admissions officer at Chase, telling me they were still accepting applications. I emailed her back and explained my situation, that my scores were probably too low, and I was afraid to apply and have a rejection on my record with them in case I retook the LSAT. She sent me a chart breaking down the scores and GPA of the accepted students from the last entering class. She told me to look at the chart, examine the odds, and make a decision.

The chart, following my GPA and LSAT score, showed that four students within my range had applied last year, but only one had been accepted.  I folded it around in my mind for a moment. Looking at it one way, that was a 25% chance. 25% was better than the 0% I expected. I started telling my formal decision maker at work, Amber Barger, all about it. She was always the first person I asked these things if they should happen at work, but her opinion was always summoned at some point. I liked her train of thought. She made concentrated, calculated, and wise decisions. I remember turning to her and saying, “I could be THE ONE!” She agreed to the possibilities and told me I should apply.  Then I started working hard core on my application, and my personal statement.  I was honest, I was open, and every word I spoke, I meant. It was time to convince them why they should take a chance on the backwards girl from Leslie County.  I’d like to think that my personal statement was what got me in, but like the old question of “how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?” well, “the world may never know.”

What does matter, is that I got in. And I wanted to celebrate. So we dive back into summer.

My dear cousin Elizabeth mentioned the idea of a cruise to me while at a family dinner. I had often tumbled the idea of a cruise around in my head, especially with my beloved roommate who had planned to be my cruise partner up until her move to Chicago and engagement happened. Again, why not?

We booked a cruise to the Bahamas.  Bingo!

Four days and four nights on the water, rocking to the rhythm of the waves, or the rain I suppose, if the Judds had been there. Point being, I was going to celebrate law school acceptance, a feat I thought impossible, in style, by doing something I had never done before. I wanted to be adventurous for once. Until the second big email I got, subject line: NKU Chase – KLEO Recipient.

Kentucky

Legal

Education

Opportunity

In the words of my dear banjo-picking friend Obadiah Golding, “Wait, what now?”

Upon opening the email I found I was being offered a $5000 scholarship to my school (bada-bing, bada-boom!). Reading further, I saw that to obtain this scholarship I was to spend 12 days on UK’s campus. In a dorm. Showering with other people.

Ew.

I had never stayed in a dorm. Ever. I missed that whole experience, and I wasn’t really thrilled about getting it this late in the game. But…it’s five grand! The quickest and probably easiest $5000 bucks I’ll ever make. Maybe. Let’s hope not…I am in law school.

I check the dates. It’s sooner than I thought…I would have to leave work a week early. But something else looked funny about the dates….oh…yeah…of course. It would happen right in the middle of my cruise. Well, vice versa I suppose. But still.

Decisions, decisions.

Let’s weigh this option. It costs about 500 bucks to rebook, OR, I can turn down five grand. What was the problem again? So I rebooked my cruise, and prepared for what I thought would be the most horrid 12 days of my life. Boy, was I wrong.

It was the most sleepless 12 days of my life, but certainly not the worst, not even close. Upon arriving, I discovered there were five students from each law school in Kentucky, and a returning mentor who had completed the program a year before. What a diverse group of people I was seeing, but then again, it is a diversity scholarship. Ah, makes sense.

The first person I saw was Professor Allison Connelly, or as we learned to love her later, Professor C. I didn’t know what to make of her at first. I don’t read people well on first impressions usually, so I just watched during our lunch registration and attempted to fill out the other students.  All of a sudden, a girl comes running frantically into the building yelling, “Who’s in charge?! Who’s in charge?!”

Professor C runs to her in a state of a semi-calm panic mode, and announces that she, in fact, is the leader of this here outfit. She, like the rest of us, probably thought a murder had just occurred, or a drive by, maybe even a shanking. It was hard to tell with the level of emotion this person had expressed.  Turns out, she was just afraid of being towed. Introducing Scarlett Steuart, UK law student. We all found it funny, and we still redneck her over it. Who wouldn’t?

Now to tell you the occurrences in their entirety would take 12 days to write, and to read. We did a lot, so I will attempt to give you the ‘meat and taters,’ if you will. For 12 days, we were in law school. We had class from 9 to 5. Somewhere in there we ate; Professor C did feed us good. We never went hungry. Especially Jeremy Fugate, also known as the human garbage disposal.  I froze to death, so bad I had to bring a blanket at least once, but a jacket I required daily.  At night, we went to eat with our specific class group, anywhere we wanted. So believe that I ate GOOD for 12 days. So good that I would attempt to take the 10 flights of stairs to my dorm at least once a day in attempt to burn a few stray calories. Gee, that was fun. Not.

But what was fun was the dorm life. I really thought I would hate it, and I’ll be honest, still not crazy about the shower thing, but it wasn’t as bad as I expected. I didn’t mind it. I found a roommate indirectly. We had our own room, but just like Carl and Frank, the boy, in Sling Blade, Laken Gilbert, another UK law student, well we made friends right off the bat. Despite the fact that she was on one end of the political spectrum, doing diligent work with the Democratic Party, and I as a proud eastern Kentuckian am on the other end.  She moved into my room after a couple days and we were seldom to be separated after. I always like telling this story. Laken had me at “No, you will see my meth lab!”

The story behind that is we were in our rooms one morning sitting on Facebook. I messaged her to see if I could come down and hang with her. Her response, “No, you will see my meth lab!” Now, while some people wouldn’t find this funny, I thought it was hilarious. She had my sense of humor, and we understood each other. We made a good team. And I miss her. *Sad face*. I miss them all. Some days, I really wish there was a KLEO School of Law. But, I digress.

Anyway, back to the point.  Those 12 days were tough at times, but they still rocked. We had real class, real finals, real professors – it was a boot camp. It taught us some of the most important things we could ever hope to learn about law school, and gave us a HUGE jump on the “dead weight” as our bewildering, yet always entertaining, Professor Bucknam would say.  Professor Douglas was intimidating, but really quite humorous in his own right, especially after the program had ended we had some good conversation. Those professors made me wish for a time I was going to UK. I loved Professor Price, she was one of the coolest people professors I had ever met – funny, nice, and super smart. Her and Professor C made a good team.  Also during this time, we did cool things too, like eating lunch with the Supreme Court of Kentucky, eating lunch with the Dean of our schools, meeting some past KLEO participants, and other important figures, not to mention shadowing a judge or attorney for a day. That day was really fun. I almost saw a fist fight in motion hour.  Professor C really took care of us. So now I will talk about her.

Professor C is one of the most influential people I have ever met. As I was told, she has basically never charged a dime to any client. She runs the legal clinic at UK and does all pro-bono. She’s thebomb.com, in other words. She has ran the KLEO program for 10 years. She has been helping students get their legal education for many years as a professor. She is an exceptional teacher and friend. This woman believed in us, before she even met us. She wanted us to succeed, and she felt in her heart of hearts that we would. She pushed us, she challenged us, she laughed with us, cried with us, and she loved us. I will never forget these words, “From this day forward, you’re mine, ALL of you.” And as fellow KLEO member Laura Myers stated, we all feel like that goes both ways. She is our rock, our safe place, and our light at the end of the tunnel when the days get too rough. We think about her and all she has vested in us, and we move forward like there is no other choice, because there isn’t. We won’t quit, ever, because of her. She believes in our success, and she will be there to share it with us in every way. We love you Professor C, and we miss you terribly!

 She had a banquet for us at the end of the program where we were awarded certificates as completion of the program. Us Chase people found out that our school was the only one renewing the scholarship so we will end up getting $15,000. That was great news. But most of all we learned valuable skills that we will always hold with us. I met friends that I will keep forever, I crossed boundaries that most people in my hometown wouldn’t dare cross or ever have the chance to, making friends with people from different walks of life, from countries as far as Serbia, or counties as close as Harlan. Amanda Birman and I hit it off too; she understood the words “Cumberland Gap water” and “Don’s Supersaver cakes” and how precious those words were to the folks back home. We threw her a surprise birthday party since she didn’t get to be home with her family. It was a sad day packing up and moving out to come back home. However, it was a memorable experience, one of the best in my life, and one I will hold dear for years and years to come. We will always be a family.      

I will list the names of my KLEO peeps here, because I don’t want to leave anyone out. We lived together, learned together, and loved together. We are a family. Always.

UK Students:

Chelsea Granville

Laken Gilbert

Carl Williams

Scarlett Steuart

Laura Myers

James “Tee” Pennington (Mentor)

U of L Students:

Sana Abhari

Chris Jenkins

Amanda Birman

Grace Chambers

Mijlia Zgonanine

Aaron Marcus (Mentor)

Chase Students:

Jessica Lewis (Me, duh.)

Lindsay Oakes

Jeremy Fugate

Danny Ackeret

Michele Nguyen

BreAnna Morgan (Mentor)

There is something special to be said about each of these people. They are all great and I am proud to have been a part of the same program with them all. I wish the best of luck to them all as well.

Now, let’s get this show on the road.

After returning from my scholarship program, I only had a few days before the cruise. My mom and dad decided to let me fly to Miami, where we would be porting from, as opposed to driving, which would have been really dumb. Kentucky to Miami….like 17 hours…. yeah, no.

We flew out of Lexington, and I thought I was going to be really nervous. But no. I wasn’t.  Not at all. I just sat there. We took off.  We landed. We waited. We took off again.  We landed again. Boom. Four hours later, we’re in Miami. It really beat 17 hours let me tell you. And I Ioved it! I absolutely loved it!! I honestly can’t wait to fly again. So we get to Miami, grab a hotel close to the port, and chill for a while. That night, we walked across the street to this place called Bayside where they had an outdoor type mall, lots of food, a stage next to the water where the dock was, and we had a blast. Dancing on the pier, eating ice cream, watching the boats roll in and out, it was great. The next morning we left for the boat.

It. Was. Amazing.

I loved every second of that cruise. I treasured it all, day by day, every minute.   We ate on the top deck watching the water, we lay by the pool, we watched comedy shows, we danced into the night, I learned the John Travolta, and we slept very little. On the beach days, we did crazy but fun things. We took a banana boat ride where we thought we were going to die a couple times. Flying through the ocean jumping off the waves because the boat pulling you is doing 90 mph isn’t as much fun as you’d think. We bought souvenirs. I snorkeled and swam in the ocean, not to mention seeing the ocean for the first time. I fell in love with it, too. Sometimes I would go stand on the top deck and just stare out at the water. It was the most relaxing, calming, crystal clear thinking I had ever done. If you’ve never been, you have to go, at least once.  It was definitely an amazing experience. I had so much fun, and I survived. We got back to Miami, spent a day on the beach, shopped around, and flew back the next morning.

This was my favorite picture from the cruise. It’s my favorite picture of me I’ve ever taken. If I could go back to that moment daily, it would be fabulous. There are some moments that you wish could be frozen in time. This is one of mine. I will always cherish that moment, the way I felt, the thoughts surrounding my mind, and the view as I stared out into the open water at sunset. The most gorgeous view I’ve ever seen.  

After returning from vacation I spent the next week packing, moving, and making rounds either seeing or talking in some way to the people most important in my life and explaining to them the decision I had made – where it would take me, and how I may be absent from their lives for a while, but asking them to keep me present in their thoughts. I know I’m not leaving forever, but I am going to be gone a while. I’ll get to come home and visit, like I did this weekend, but not that often. Something I have found hard to deal with.

I have just completed my second week as a law student – one week of orientation, and one true week of classes. The first day was pretty rough. When I got home, after taking a break from unpacking, it finally hit me; I was gone, I was alone, and there was no turning back. I cried for about 45 minutes, but then I was OK. I have adjusted well I think, and I really do like it. I like the learning, and although the Socratic method makes some people’s heads hurt, I kind of like it. It gives me a rush.  I like being prepared for it. The work is a lot but nothing I can’t handle. I’m pretty ambitious, I’m pretty tough, and I’m very determined. I’m from the foothills of Eastern Kentucky, I’ve already run into political disagreements that didn’t turn out well, but I can’t be expected to stand idly by and listen to people badmouth the coal industry that is currently helping pay for my education, and so much more in my hometown. Everyone has the right to their opinion but I can’t be expected to cave in when someone who knows nothing of the topic and has never lived here or seen it first hand is challenging the livelihood of my friends and family to me. So, know that you are being well defended in the north my friends. I indeed have your back.

To end this little chronicle, I conclude that this has been a perfect, life-changing summer. I am living out my dream, finally, after all these years. I was able to do things that I thought I would never do, and I have finally made it to where I need to be. It’s been a slow struggle. Next month, I will turn 25, not where I had imagined myself up to this point, but I am so thankful to be here. I am so grateful to have walked the road I did, and ended up in this very spot of my journey. Again, everything happens for a reason. I don’t look like every other law student. I certainly don’t act like every other law student. Nonetheless, that’s what I am.

I miss my job at the bank. I miss my co-workers and friends, my family, and my routine. But this is something I had to do. I had to go after that dream, I know now I would never have been satisfied had I not. The very moment I got that acceptance email, I realized how bad I had wanted it. The moment I set foot in Professor C’s Criminal Law class at KLEO, I knew how much I was going to love it. I love a good challenge, and it looks like I’ve finally met my match.

On another note, let me just say from the bottom of my heart to all who reads, thank you. I have been absolutely overwhelmed by the amount of support I have received from my community, my family, and my friends. It has meant so much to have you all backing me, encouraging me, and putting the faith in me that you have. Everyday I receive countless Facebook messages, comments and likes, text messages, and indirect comments delivered to me by others like my parents from people who send me their well wishes and love. Never in my life did I expect to be a part of so many lives, and I am humbled by the respect, love, and faith that you have bestowed upon me. I promise that I will not let you down, in any right. I will make Leslie County proud. 

This may be my last blog for a while as I am embarking on one long, hard, but rewarding journey. Please do continue to keep in contact. I love hearing from everyone and it makes the days when I feel so far from home a little easier.

This morning I was so excited to be back in church. Keith always seems to know when I need to hear something, and this morning part of his sermon was about ‘givin’ it all you got.’ Church and the family I have there has really helped this to all come together for me, too, and it’s hard not being able to make it every Sunday anymore. Faith is something that we all should have, but some of us do not nearly have enough.  Between my support system throughout this county and the church, I have so much more faith than I used to. God really can do so much; I am living proof.

Now off to my other favorite part of coming home on a Sunday – Lewis family dinner.

God bless and love to all,

Jess

Daddy's Little Girl: Father's Day Tribute

When I was about 11 years old, I went into Colter's with my dad.  For those of you that don't remember, it was a local chain jewelry store.  We were in the one in Hazard, Dad had went in to get a battery for his watch or something random like that, so like any 11 year old I was attracted to shiny objects, and I walked about the store looking at all the pretty, shiny things. I almost passed up this little shelf with a round moving case displaying necklace charms, but something caught my eye almost immediately. It was a golden heart, with the words "Daddy's Little Girl" forged as one with the heart, and tiny pinkish roses placed strategically for decoration.

I wanted it. Immediately.

Not only because it was pretty and such, I mean gold isn't even my color and they unfortunately didn't have a silver one, because believe me, I looked, but also because I was, in fact, the proudest of the group of  daddy's little girls.  My dad and I were thick as thieves, there was no mistaking that. I did everything with dad. From campaigning during elections to riding bulldozers and big trucks, to chewing on the Swisher Sweets tip cigars he used to 'puff' on as he called it.

That necklace had to be mine. It had to be.

But it wasn't. He wouldn't buy it. He said maybe later. I was NOT a happy camper. At all. But I let it go, because I knew my daddy. He would want me to have it as much as myself, just because he knew better than anyone what a daddy's girl I was. I knew I would end up with it, eventually.

A month or so later, Christmas morning, despite having to wait to open our presents to deal with the store burning to the ground, I was not at all surprised to find the little box holding my necklace hidden in the same box as a pair of Dr. Scholl boots my mom had bought me. Yes, I was 11 years old with Dr. Scholls. Mom made it her goal to make me the most UNcool kid at Stinnett University. Yes, I said University. Don't be hatin'.

This was the kind of things my dad has always done for me. There is not one time I can think of when I have needed him that he hasn't been there. He is undoubtedly one of the best father's a girl could ever have.

When I was little girl and I would get sick, I would sleep on the couch in the living room because of having the TV in there. I was real bad to go in and out of naps and such when I was sickly, so I would stay close to the TV to ward off boredom instead of staying in the back bedroom that felt more like a dungeon. More than once, I have woken up to find my father next to me. He would move the other couch up closer to mine and sleep beside me in case I got worse so he could be there to take care of me.

In fact, most of you probably don't know that my dad saved my life once. Well, probably more than once, many more times than once, but this one I vividly remember. I went into the store with him one morning when I was little and asked for a bacon and egg biscuit, which the lady working gave me. However, the bacon was something known as 'soft bacon' and it got hung in my throat when I swallowed it, and I started choking. My dad in the quickest reaction time ever, picked me up and laid me in his hand and hit my back, like sort of a heimlich maneuver technique, until I coughed it up. I shudder to think what would have happened had he not been there.

If I was pouting at him or mom, and we drove thru McDonald's or somewhere, I would always say I wasn't hungry. Dad would order me food anyway, and not even make me ask or apologize. He would just hand it to me because he knew I was hungry, and he probably knew I had his stubborn streak.

When I was little, I used to play hooky from school a lot. Dad knew the principal Mr. Couch quite well since they were best friends at the time, and I could get by with it. *wink*. I would go to Harlan with daddy to get his haircut occasionally on these days, and we would always stop at McDonald's where I would get the pancake breakfast (yes, one of the reasons why I'm so fat. *sigh*). We would sit in the parking lot of Magic Mart and eat, and what I didn't eat we would feed to the pigeons. These are some of the memories with my daddy that I will always keep, because they were ours, just mine and his. Nobody else's.

I loved going campaigning with him when I was little. He would pick me up from school and we would always stop at Pansy's on Beechfork and get a catfish dinner or Debbie's on Stinnett cause they had the best chicken planks. Yes, food was always involoved. This is why I'm fat...I never stopped eating as a child.  We would go from house to house where I would meet new people and learn the art of politics. This is probably why my mouth never stops now, 'cause I'm just like my daddy. I absolutely loved that whole politic'n deal. I got to spend time with him, see new places, meet new people, and fall in love with small town life.

When I graduated from Stinnett University, I went on home school for two years. Now there are things that I regret about not going to public school, but then again there are things that were great about it. Like trips with dad. He took me every week to take my tests at Calvary Christian Academy. We would have good talks and listen to the Crazy Friday Show on WSGS. And On the way back, providing I did good on my tests (which I always did), he would stop and let me buy Ty Beanie Babies at Dawahares, because that was the latest cool kid craze.  And through the week, we would move trailers up North a lot, around Indiana, Michigan, Ohio, etc. I would ride up with dad in the Toter truck. I. LOVED. That. Truck. I cried when he sold it. We both did. The last night, before the new owner came to get it, we both sat in our usual seats, cleaned out the truck, and sat there and shed a few tears together. We've had a lot of great father-daughter moments. No doubt about it, I am one of the luckiest girls in the world.

High school was a challenge of course. We had some rocky days. I wanted to be like the other kids. Go home with this one and that one, ride to town with whoever, go to the football games and run amock. But I was a teenager. And not a very smart one. So I didn't get to do those things. And looking back now, it wasn't so bad. When Junior Prom rolled around, my daddy rented a limo for me and my friends, paid about $400, and some people didn't even ride there and back. Dad didn't care. He did it for me. Just like always.

When college days rolled around, however, dad was on my side for the most part. He and mom constantly disagreed on where my boundaries should be and what I should be allowed to do. Mom is MUCH MORE protective and paranoid at times than the normal mom. She sometimes has a hard time accepting that her little girl is grown. But dad remembered what it was like to be 18, 19, 20, etc. He knew I needed to live my life, and he knew that I was gonna make a few mistakes but that I had to learn somehow. I wasn't a wild child but I had my share of stupidity. And stupid friends. I was a tomboy for sure. I had more guy friends than girls, which for some reason made mom feel better because she thought they would protect me if something happened. Go figure.

During that time too, Gran got sick, mom's mom. She spent A LOT of time in Cincinnati helping out and taking care of her, so me and dad spent a lot of time together. We'd take off for the day. Drive down to pigeon forge, or wherever the road took us. We would get lost, but it didn't matter because we didn't have a plan, didn't care where we ended up. We liked seeing new places. We hit the flea markets, or just wherever we could think to go. Blasting George Jones, Merle Haggard, and of course his all time favorite, Conway Twitty the whole way. Singing to the top of our lungs until we were hoarse, and looking for the next gas station to find a bathroom, a Diet Mountain Dew, and a candy bar. We were inseperable.

Dad was and is always trying to prepare me. For instance, when I decided me and some friends were going to go Pigeon Forge for the weekend, he made sure I was prepared. He drove me down there, making sure to point out all the turns, and the places I needed to beware of. He gave me all kinds of pointers and tips, just in case I hadn't been paying attention the last 20 years he'd been taking me already. When I went to Murfreesboro to school, same thing. Made sure he taught me all I needed to know about the area, again, just in case that I hadn't been paying attention during all that time we spent in Nashville.

And dad continues to prepare me for life. He has been guiding me for nearly 25 years now. Advising me against things I should or shouldn't do, what's a good idea and what isn't, what could be dangerous and what would be safe, everything he can think of to share from his 50+ years of living. And he has done the same with my brother, maybe more so since they share that whole being a male thing. Sometimes he takes it too far, but he is from the old school, however, so I understand. He just doesn't want anything to happen to his little girl. Yeah, I said his. Not that mom didn't have a whole lot to do with me turning out the way I am, but dad might just have had a little more in some ways. We've been closer than mom and I, and he has always understood me better and discounted for things. Mom tends to expect too much most of the time.

Even as recently as this weekend, (since I've been working on this blog for a couple weeks) I hit a deer and daddy came to the rescue. He didn't lecture me, he wasn't mad, he just hugged me and let me cry. He understood. He knew what I needed.

I only remember him whipping me twice in my life. There may have been a little love pats here and there, but I can remember the only two times he 'spanked' me, and yes, I sure as heck deserved both.  You know that song "Daddy's Hands" by Holly Dunn from back in the day? If not, it goes like this:

Daddy's hands, were soft and kind when I was crying.
Dadyy's hands, were hard as steal when I'd done wrong.
Daddy's hands weren't always gentle, but I've come to understand,
There was always Love in Daddy's hands.

It has really rung true over the year. Both times my daddy whipped me, it was with his hands, and it lasted for days it seemed like. It HURT. Bad. Which is why I remember. Not that mom's didn't, because believe me they did. But there is something much more significant about a daddy whipping his little girl.

But he does have that soft side. When I had my first big heartbreak a year or so ago, my daddy held me more than once while I cried for hours at a time. He was there for me, to help me, to understand, and to love me when I didn't feel like anyone else did.

Yep, that's my dad.  Lover of Country Music, Diet Mountain Dew, peanut butter, big trucks and equipment, Coal, the open road, politics -- Ronald Reagan especially, and family.  His stories are priceless. Whether it's about the 7 total wrecks he was in, the 1 motorcycle wreck he was in, hitchhiking to all parts of the country with his best friend when their cars would quit, working on strip jobs with his dad and brothers, drinking with whoever, making moonshine as a child, all of his childhood meanis and high school tales. I wish I could write it all down. I should have been keeping a log over the years. I never want to forget one story he tells.

And how could I write about my dad without sharing some of his wisdom? I couldn't. So here are a few of his most favorite phrases:

1.) You can't pack a dog to hunt a bear.
2.) Nobody misses the water til the well runs dry.
3.) Things you can't change, accept.
4.) Credit is a good thing to have, but a bad thing to use.
5.) There are three kinds of people -- those who see things happen, those who make things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
6.)  Everything is a trade-off. You trade this time for that time. There will never be enough time in life for you to do all the things you want to do in life, or feel like you should do. (My personal favorite).

Regardless of the disagreements or the fights he and I may have had, I don't know if there is another father out there who has went as far or done as much for his children as my dad has. We have never wanted for anything really, if we need it or have to have it especially, he finds a way. He has bought us vehicles, places to live, any toy or piece of electronic devices we have ever asked for, and I can't speak for my brother but he still gives me money whether I need it or not. It doesn't matter what it is, if he thinks we want it, or need it, he will take care of it. He paid for my tuition in college, what I didn't have scholarships for, took care of me financially when I couldn't work, never hestitated or complained about all the days he had to fight the snow and cold to work or get up super early to earn that money, before the wreck he was in anyway.

He was never reckless with money, he always reserved what he had for us and my mom, and of course his other family. I don't know if his brothers or sisters or aunts and uncles, even cousins, have ever asked him for anything that he didn't come through with. And I can think of at least 3 times in the last month that we were approached at restaurants and gas stations by strangers needing gas money or money for food, etc, when he didn't reach in his pocket and find something for them as well. As magistrate, he took care of his precinct to the best of his ability, and I'm sure the majority if them will tell you that.

My dad is truly one of a kind.

Let's face it, what other dad would take their daughter to a casino and sit side by side with her playing blackjack and slots? Probably not many, if any. But those are the kinds of random moments we enjoy sharing together. We're not like just any regular father and daughter. We're cool. As Cucumbers.


I am a better person, better daughter, better sister, better student, and a better friend and family member because of my dad and the lessons he has taught me. And hopefully, someday, a better parent. I hope that when that someday comes, dad is around to be just as great or better of a 'grandpa' as he was a 'pa'. But hopefully my kids won't get his big nose like I did :(.

And I'm not writing this, to brag about my dad to anybody. I have some great friends who have really crappy  dads or no dad at all. I know I am very fortunate not only to have a father, but to have one who has went above and beyond for his children the way he has. And for being like a father to many other people I know. I'm very proud of my father, the man that he is, and who he has taught me to be. I really do wish everybody could know a father like him.

So here's to you dad, for being the best dad I could ever hope or want to have, one certainly far better than I deserve. Thank you for always being there, for always taking care of me, loving me, keeping me safe, and preparing me as best you could for life. I love you, more than anything.

You are, and always will be, my hero.

Happy Father's Day, again.

Love,
Shoog  








And so, I end with one of his favorite Conway songs. I can't listen to it without crying, because I know the day will come when I have to give up my daddy. I dread it. I fear it. I'm terrified of it. But it will happen just the same. So, I will enjoy every minute with him that I can, until then. And pray that is a long, long time away.




That's My Job
By: Conway Twitty



I woke up crying late at night,
when I was very young.
I had dreamed my father,
had passed away and gone.

My world revolved around him,
I couldn't lie there anymore.
So I made my way down the mirrored hall,
and tapped upon his door.

And I said, "Daddy, I'm so afraid
how will I go on with you gone that way?
Don't wanna cry anymore,
so may I stay with you?"

And he said, "That's my job,
that's what I do.
Everything I do is because of you,
To keep you safe with me.
That's my job you see."

Later we barely got along,
this teenage boy and he.
Most of the fights it seems
were over different dreams,
we each held for me.

He wanted knowledge and learning.
I wanted to fly out west.
Said, "I could make it out there
if I just had the fare.
I got half, will you loan me the rest?"

And I said, "Daddy, I'm so afraid,
there's no guarantee in the plans
I've made, and if I should fail,
who will pay my way back home?"

And he said "That's my job,
that's what I do.
Everything I do is because of you
to keep you safe with me.
That's my job you see."

Every person carves his spot,
and fills the hole with light.
And I pray someday I might,
light as bright as he.

Woke up early one bright fall day,
to spread the tragic news.
After all my travel, I settled down,
within a mile or two.

I make my living with words and rhyme,
and all this tragedy,
Should go into my head, and out instead
as bits of poetry.

But I say, "Daddy, I'm so afraid,
how will I go on with you gone this way?
How can I come up with a song to say
I love you?"

That's my job, That's what I do
Everything I do is because of you,
to keep you safe with me.That's my job you see.
Everything I do is because of you
to keep you safe with me. 

After the Fire is Gone

"There's nothin' cold as ashes, after the fire is gone..."
                             -- Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty 

One year ago today on June 3rd, I awoke at 7 a.m. like normal to get ready for work. I dreaded it. The third of the month on a Friday, working the busiest branch we had, Hurts Creek. The first thing I did was check my phone, like I had every day for the past two weeks, hoping I’d have a message from my boyfriend. And I actually did, but it was on Facebook, and my phone wouldn’t let me read it. So I grabbed my laptop and couldn’t wait to see what he’d said.  

He was still my boyfriend until we officially ended it. We were just having a rough patch. We’d been apart for so long while I was in school and had some bad days, but I was home now. The past couple weeks we’d barely spoken, but I just knew before I read that message that he had thought about it and realized how we were meant to be together.

But that’s not what he’d done at all.

Instead, he had let me wake up to a broken heart. The very first thing I saw that morning was a message from him ending our nearly 3 year relationship. It was the most devastating day of my life. When I read that message, I literally felt my heart breaking into a million pieces, and I screamed in agony. It was a loud enough scream to wake my parents, who thought I was being murdered I imagine. At least until they came running into my room where they found me in front of the computer, crying so hard I couldn’t breathe.

I don’t have to tell you their reaction if you know them, although it would make this story a little more humorous.

I couldn’t go to work that day, I had to call in, for only the second time in 3 years. I literally lay in bed all day. I just cried, continuously, until my eyes were swollen and hurting. I don’t think I even showered. I hope I did, but that’s something I just don’t remember. I do remember not eating all day except picking at the turtle bowl sundae Tracy brought me when she came to check on me and give me her best pep talk. It was a very nice gesture, but at the time, a useless one. I was going through my first heartbreak, probably about 7 or 8 years behind everyone else, which is why it hit me so hard, like a ton of bricks.

The days that followed were just as miserable – sleepless nights, no appetite, weight loss, depression, anxiety, etc. It took me about 2 good months to not be miserable. By the time the day of what would have been our anniversary rolled around, I was pretty much OK. But that first month was rough. I ain’t gonna lie – it hurt. It hurt real bad.

But here’s the good news…

Today, a year later, I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I am stronger, more intelligent, more myself, and most of all, worth more to the next lucky man in my life.  I have lived more in the last year than I ever have, and enjoyed every second. I have discovered more about myself, who I am, and what I want out of life more than I ever thought possible.

This summer I will enjoy life even more. In August, I will start an entirely new journey with law school. I will continue to be my own person – a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman – and a role model for all women. Be who you are, be yourself, work hard, enjoy life, and never have to depend on anybody but yourself. Because really, that’s all you can depend on in life. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have so many AMAZING friends, more than what should be allowed, and some really AWESOME family, too. I couldn’t make it without them. I had them all along and it took a crisis in my life to discover how lucky and blessed I was and how I had taken so many people for granted.  But no more of that, my friends and family will ALWAYS come first in my life. Always.

Now, I could sit here and deliver at least 1,000 different inspirational quotes. But here is what you need to know. A very wise person once told me that happiness comes from within, and they were right. Until you are happy with yourself, nobody else can make you happy. And even then, they can only add to your happiness. With that said, nobody can be completely happy with themselves, I’m not, and don’t expect to be. That’s like trying to be perfect, no one is. I still have a few pounds to lose, some muscle to build, learning how to control my temper and I’m sure if I think about it there are some other imperfections I’d like to change.

The trick is to find things about yourself you like, things that make you happy about who you are. I may not be a supermodel, but I’m by no means the worst looking girl around. I’m not fake; what you see is what you get. I’m the same with everybody everywhere I go. I’m a people person. I love kids. I’m smart. I can be funny.  I go out of my way to help people. I love me, I have no reason not to, plain and simple.

Now, don’t take that the wrong way. In no way am I trying to sound self-centered or conceited. If you know me, you know that I can be pretty down on myself, mostly because I’ve always had low self-esteem. But there comes a time in your life where you have to ‘get busy living or get busy dying’ as Morgan Freeman said in Shawshank Redemption.  That point for me came about two months after my heartbreak. It’s taken a year for me to really love myself and be happy with myself, but buddy I’m there, and it’s great.

I live my life in a way that pleases me, and no one else, although I do like making others happy and go out of my way to do so sometimes. I answer to no one, I do what I want, whatever makes me happy, and it’s only gonna get better. I’m making sure of that. The past year has brought a lot of ups and downs, sickness and death, etc to my life. Those things have also impacted me and my outlook on life, but mostly it was being at the low point that I was at a year ago.

Looking back, the heartbreak I went through was the best thing that ever happened to me. Honestly. I have always heard those old clichés like ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ and ‘time heals all wounds’ but they never rang true until then. I can truthfully say that today I am stronger, happier, and better off than I was a year ago. I hope my ex is all those things, too. Some things just aren’t meant to be.

But then again, some things are, and what is meant to be will happen regardless. I know I have a great life ahead. The reason I know, is because I will make it great, one way or another. We only get one life; we have to make it count. Don’t spend it miserable. Love yourself first, and everything else will fall into place. 

For Marie

Today I wore the prettiest necklace.  It was a sterling silver heart, on a round rope chain. The heart wasn’t whole though, it has little holes all about it. It was made that way. And it represented just how I felt.  Today, my heart was filled with a few holes.  Today, I said goodbye to one of the greatest women I have ever had the privilege of knowing, Mrs. Marie Garrison. Marie gave me that necklace years ago, and I felt it only right that I wear it today, in her honor.  I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that she's gone. It doesn't seem possible to walk into the bank and not see her sitting behind her desk. But unfortunately, I will never see that again.

I had 4 years working alongside Marie. I don’t remember ever meeting her before I started working at Hyden Citizens Bank, but I can’t imagine my life without her. When I started there, I never knew the impact she would have on me. She became one of few great women in my life; one of the best role models, co-workers and friends I could ever have been lucky enough to meet.

Sometimes people come into your life with a purpose that you can’t see. Whether it’s to teach you, to love you, to be there for you, to understand you, to guide you, to push you, to find something in you that you can’t find in yourself, or to be somebody you can look up to.  Marie was one of those people who did all that in my life.  When I lost my granny, it wasn’t long after that I went to work at Hyden Citizens Bank. Marie filled the void that my heart had after losing the most important woman in my life. She was all the things my granny was – humble, loving, funny, full of joy and laughter, smiles and stories, and a hug and kind word when you needed it.  She was there for me, she advised me, and she loved me.  She was the best boss I could ever ask for – always understanding, never demeaning, and so patient. I remember being out in my drawer several times the first few weeks because our system was different than the one I had left at Community Trust, and it took me a while to learn it. She was patient with me, she knew I would learn.

Marie believed in me, through everything I did. When I thought I had to go off to Tennessee and chase my music dream, she supported me. She let me come back and work weekends and Holidays and any other time I could. She helped keep me a job when I could have been turned away.  When she thought I was leaving she brought me in her office, and gave me a picnic basket that I know probably cost a fortune, and that sterling silver necklace. Just how my granny used to buy me things. When I went through my heartbreak with my ex boyfriend and the depression that followed, she was right there.  I loved Marie. I loved her so much.

I loved hearing her laugh. Watching her smile when she told a funny story. About the time she got to the funny part she'd hunch her shoulders and cackle a little. She had the sweetest laugh. And smile. And the best heart. Her heart was big enough for a multitude of people. She loved everyone. She grieved with you. She laughed with you.  She stuck with you, no matter what.  When I needed her, she was there. Every. Single. Time. Even when I didn't need her, she was there, waiting to be needed. I know she was proud of me when I came home, when I took full time at the bank. I know she loved me.  

After I took full time at Hurts Creek I rarely saw her. Sometimes I would take my early day and go see her and the other girls at the main branch. I wish now that I had done it more often. I wish I had spent more time with her, like I should have. When I found out she was sick, I was devastated.  I remember reliving the moment when I found out Granny was sick.  The first time I went to see Marie in the hospital, I took her strawberries.  She loved strawberries. And Martins, she loved watching the Martins, and she talked about them all the time. That day I saw her, she looked so good. Absolutely beautiful. I wondered how she could really be sick, because she sure didn't look or sound it. But that's how Marie was, strong and courageous.  She lived her whole life that way, always putting on a smile for everyone no matter what.   

And there I was, losing another great lady, the same way I lost the first, my granny. It took Marie one month longer to go than my granny, but I still didn’t go see her the way I should have, I still didn’t say the things I wanted to her – the things I should have said to her.

The last time I went to see her it was such a drastic change. She was groggy from the medication I guess, but nowhere near the Marie I knew and loved. I took her a Diet Pepsi and two packs of nabs, and a little plastic yellow flower in a vase. Something sunny for her to look at I'd hoped, and maybe brighten her spirits. She already had a nice supply of Diet Pepsi and nabs, however, so that didn't help very much. We talked for a half hour or so. I told her I'd started going to church, she seemed so pleased. I'm pretty pleased with myself, too. I'm going for the right reasons. As I got up to leave, I didn't want to move everything out of the way to hug her because everything was set up so nice for her. I just rubbed the side of her leg and told her I'd come back in a few days. As I stood there, looking at her, I remembered how much I regretted not saying everything I had wanted to my granny before she died. How I didn't want to lose that chance with Marie. She looked up at me and tried to smile, and said, "I love you, Jessica." I had a chance, only one. Should I take it, should I tell her what I wanted her to know?

“Thank you for being a light in my life. Thank you for being such a great example. Thank you for all the kind words you said to me when I was going through heartbreak and depression. Thank you for helping shape me into the person I am, for making me feel like I can do things and encouraging me to follow my dreams. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your family and for being so great to work with. But most of all, thank you for loving me.”

That’s what I wanted to say, but that’s not what I said. All I could say was, “I love you too, Marie, so, so much.” I didn’t want her to think I felt like it was the last time we’d talk, even though I knew it would be. I could feel it. I’d been there before. I just hope she knows how much she meant to me.

I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. Death changes us, but life also changes us. People were put into our lives for a reason, and they are taken for a reason. The preacher at the funeral today said a lot but something I paid the most attention to was when he said “Don’t blame God.” I don’t. If I were God, I would want such an amazing person like Marie with me too. I am jealous though, that he gets to be with her. I want her here. At Home. With me. With her family.  But I guess she is home. As beautiful an Angel as she was on Earth, I know she will shine even brighter in Heaven.  

Something else the preacher said is that we have no guarantees in life. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. That’s why more so now than ever, I will try even harder to do the things I want, see the things I want, and show people how much I care about them, before my tomorrows stop coming. Living life to its fullest is so important. You only have one ride on the rollercoaster. And that’s just what it is, a rollercoaster. You have your slow ups, your fast downs, moments of excitement, moments of fear, moments you feel like you’re flying, moments when you feel like you’re about to die, and just when you think you’ve got it under control, the ride is over.

Marie was fortunate enough to see a lot of beautiful places, have a husband and family, and love them more than anything. I think she accomplished most of what she wanted to in life. Maybe some things she didn’t even know she did, like touching lives far and wide, lives just like mine. My life was forever changed because of her. And I know many more were too. I want to be like her. I want to see beautiful places, marry my best friend and raise a family, and live a life so that I might touch the lives of others.  I want to love others and be loved as Marie was.  I have time to accomplish all that, I hope. 

But, I feel so awful for all those she left behind. Her family, her siblings, her co-workers whom she stood beside of for upwards of 30 years, and her many friends.  I know her husband John and her mother especially will have such a hard time. I hugged her mother yesterday at the wake, she is such a gentle soul. That must be where Marie got it from.  She was crying, but I hugged her. She took my hand and told me she loved me. I told her I loved her too, and that I was there if she needed anything. I can’t imagine what she has went through. What she will go through. Marie meant so much to so many people.  We are all going to be lost without her, for a long time. But time heals all wounds. We may move on with our lives, but we will never forget Marie, and what she meant to us. But we will also never fill the void she left in our hearts by being taken too soon. I know that I will try to be like her. I will lead by example the way she did. I will always love her. And I will miss her, more than words can express.

This year at Relay for Life, I will walk for her. I will walk for both my grannies, my uncle, and all those who have been taken too soon by Cancer. I will continue to raise money, to fight the fight against the disease that has taken so many lives. I encourage you to do the same. Help fight the fight, and walk the walk at Relay for Life. 

I’ve said what I needed to say, more than enough probably. But there could never be enough said about such a kind, gentle, loving soul like that of Marie. Please cherish those you love and the time you have with them. Tomorrow may be all we have.

Rest in peace Marie, you will certainly be missed.   

John 14:1-4 “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.”