Well. Here it is almost the end of the year, and here I sit
because I have been sucked into watching Birdbox.
That’s probably how it’s gonna end ya know. We’re probably all going to self destruct
the way the state of the world is going. But, I digress.
I haven’t written anything in a while, and I’ve missed it.
Writing to me can sometimes be like breathing, there is this urgent need or I
feel like I will suffocate. And when I start typing the words just flow like
water from a faucet and they keep coming until I have ran out of things to say.
Although sometimes that doesn’t happen in real life, as most of you know.
As most of you also know, this has been a really difficult
year from me. Without a doubt, it has been the most difficult of my life. This
is the year I have been tested, countless times.
I’ve been broken, multiple times.
I’ve been lied to, multiple times. Right to my face.
I’ve had my heart crushed, more than once. By people I
thought would never hurt me.
I’ve been betrayed. By people I thought would never do me
wrong.
I’ve been judged. For every decision I’ve made.
I’ve been left. Deserted. Abandoned. By people I thought
would be in my life forever.
I cry now as I think about all the hurt and the pain I have
endured. Yet, I am still going. Somehow.
Why? Some days I don’t know. But I have to believe it’s because
I’m not a quitter. I’m a survivor. Always have been, always will be. Because I’m
a Lewis. Because I’m a Ramey. Part Smith. Part Asher. I am made from some of
the most stubborn, strong, independent people to ever walk this earth. Some
days that angers me. Some days, I’m pretty grateful.
I’m not innocent in this. I am a victim of my own
expectations. I always believe things, and people, to be better than they are.
To be as loyal as me. To be as trustworthy as me. To be as loving as me. To be
as selfless as me. Not that I’m bragging, but I am not blind to the fact that I
am most of those things, and because of that I am taken advantage of, and have
been for as long as I can remember. I let people take advantage of me. I like
to leave people better than I found them. I like to believe that the things I
do for some people may be the only good things that happen to them, and that
makes it worth it. I just love to make people’s
lives better, even if it means ignoring my own. Again, not bragging, but it is a
fact. All of that makes my life difficult, but there are sometimes it is
rewarding. And those few times, is why I keep allowing it all to happen.
So, let’s recap the year, shall we? The good and the bad.
Early on, I got a divorce. Everyone thought Frank and I were
perfect. They were shocked. But, we had been forcing it for a while. Neither
wanted to admit we weren’t happy. Neither wanted to admit we were on two
different ends of the spectrum and the only things we had in common were our
friends and our love for TV shows and food. That’s not enough to make a
marriage last. We were good for each other for a while, but we let it last too
long. We got caught up in the fan club. We got caught up in the life we both
wanted, but we were too different to have that life with each other.
Now, rumors went around. Lies were told. People love to prey
on the pain of others. They love to have someone to talk about. They love to
speculate when they don’t know they truth. Neither of us cheated. We made a decision
and it was the best for us in the end. No matter how you look at it, divorces
are not pretty. They aren’t fun. They’re stressful. They’re depressing. They
take a toll on your physical and mental health. But, sides were chosen. I lost friends.
People wanted to believe what they wanted, without asking for the truth. They
walked away and turned their backs on me, even after 10 years of friendship and
me bending over backwards to help them in their time of need. They didn’t show
me the same courtesy. And that’s OK. Because those people are selfish and they only
worry about what they think or how they feel, and that’s not a real friend. It
hurt, but I have moved on.
Next stop, a short relationship that came out of nowhere
that I let almost destroy me. It happened at a rough time in my life, and I was
blinded by what I had been through and my hope for the future and a lot of
other things. But it was just a speed bump. A bend in the road. Something that
made me stronger.
After that, I decided, I needed a break. I needed to heal. I
needed to get my life together without the watchful eyes of everyone in Leslie County
staring at me, especially those hoping I would ruin my life and give them something
else to talk about and judge me for trying to better my life. So, I bought a
camper on my favorite lake in Tennessee, next to some awesome people from Leslie
County. And I did so, without telling anyone. I spent weekend after weekend,
waking up to the smell of lake water and sunshine and good vibes and most
importantly, peace. I was at peace. And I can’t tell you how long I
had went in my life without that. So long I didn’t even know. This summer, I
got my life together, at least for a little while.
Also this summer, I made a few other life changing moves.
I was sworn into the Tennessee Bar. An accomplishment I am
so proud of. Someday, I will be a resident of Tennessee, I imagine. But that is
a chapter for another time in my life that I am not yet prepared for.
I also decided to
sell my house. I can’t afford it, and I needed a fresh start. So I put it on
the market, and I found a new house that was more my size, comfortable, and all
mine. No awkward memories. More kitchen space. But the best part is, it’s away
from town.
The third decision I made was to take a job as a public
defender in Hazard. I work in Perry District Court. I have cut my teeth under
Judge Bill Engle. And what an interesting few months that has been. I have
learned a lot and I have been able to help some people. I never imagined myself
as a public defender. But it’s a rewarding job, and my work crew and the people
I have worked around have helped save me. I have met some amazing people who
have changed my life.
During all these decisions, toward the end of summer, I started
another relationship. It came out of nowhere. Totally unexpected. The best kind,
I’m told. For about 3 months, it was perfect. Start to a week before the
finish. We both thought it was the forever kind. The kind we’d both been
missing. It was fast. It was fun. We got along great. Almost exactly alike.
Never fought. Never had a problem. We just fit, for some unexplained reason. Until
I woke up one day out of the blue, and I could feel something was wrong. I
tried to ignore it, but that night, he said he was leaving. And he did. He said
we weren’t breaking up. He said we needed to slow down. But I knew better. I
knew it was over. Maybe not that day, but soon. After a little over a week when
he barely spoke and refused to see me, he drove over to my house to get the
rest of his things and end what I thought was the relationship I would be in
for the rest of my life. He said he wasn’t in love with me. He said a lot that
didn’t make sense. He said a lot that hurt. I watched him drive away and I felt
my heart go with him. I felt numb. This would be what broke me, and he didn’t
seem to care. He walked away like so many people in my life and left me in
pieces and I was left trying to pick them up and stay afloat. I waited around
for a month, again let down by my own expectations, thinking he would come back.
Until I found out he had moved on, with someone who was supposed to be my
friend, and had in some form before he broke up with me. So I hurt all over
again. I have spent over a week trying to make sense of everything and mend my
life and the mess it feels like I’ve made of it. But I have come to realize
something.
I haven’t made a mess of my life. I have lived. I’ve learned. I’ve loved. This
life is mine. This may have been the hardest year of my life, but it has also
been the year I discovered myself. The year I found out who I was. The year I
started living for myself and making decisions for me. The year I have spent
making myself happy. Here’s something you probably don’t know about me. I’m a
social drinker. It doesn’t make me a bad person. I have tattoos. They also don’t
make me a bad person. They tell my story. They tell my journey. They remind me
that my struggles are not who I am and do not define me. They remind me that I
am stronger than I know and I will overcome any obstacle, with time and patience,
and strength. My track record is pretty good so far.
This year has went by so fast. This year has been the best
and the worst of my life all at the same time. My summer life was some of the
best days I’ve ever lived with some of the best people that I am so fortunate
to have. I have made friends that have turned into family. I have a best friend
named Brittany that has stood by me and picked me up and cried with me and
mended my heart and stood up for me and loved me like a sister and been the
best blessing I could ever have. I have a Mary and Mama Lou and a whole family
that look after me. I have a Shayne and a Michelle and a Bri and a baby Allen
that never let me feel like I’m not loved. They are always there for me and never
let me down. I have a Dan and a Karen that feed me and help me with my puppy
and love me and pull me out of a rut when I’m stuck (in both senses of the words).
I have a Tanner and a Josh that cook for me on a fire and help me when I need
it and remind me that having little brothers are special. I have a Laura and a
Daniel and a Becca and a Pat and an Amber and a Josh that make concerts more
fun than a barrel of monkeys and remind me what it’s like to live and let live
and love and be loved. I have an Andy and a James that check on me and remind
me that I have good friends and warn me about weather and talk me through rough
days. I have a Miss Couch that reminds me that God and her are always there to
support me and love me no matter what. I have a Val and a Jr. who treat me like
one of their own. I have a lake family that I love dearly and I miss so much. So
many papas and mamas who have looked after me over the years that treat me like
their own. I have a Court and Tiff, a Kathryn and Ben, a Randi, a Tara, a
Traci, a Stephanie, a Brook and Jesse, and so many more people that have stood
by me. I have so many people that love me and are there for me and refuse to
give up on me. And I have a blood family, a mom and a dad and a brother that
love me and have stood by me, even when they didn’t agree with some of my decisions.
I really am so
blessed. So I’ve lost people. So what if people hurt me. So what if I have had
some rough days. One of my closest friends lost her mother this morning and my
heart aches for her. My life could always be so much worse. This year has
broken me but it does not define me. I have always used music to heal me and to
remind me that this too shall pass. Old Dominion has a song that I listen to a
lot. In the song it says “life is short, make it sweet.” Life is short. It is
so short. Kenny Chesney has a song that I try not to listen to because it
reminds me of when my granny was sick but it’s called “Don’t Blink.” I went to
high school one day and I blinked and I was in college and then I blinked and I
was in law school and then I blinked and now here I am. It goes so fast and we
never know when our days are gonna end. But I know this. From now on, no more
living in the past. No more dwelling. No more wondering if I am good enough. No
more wondering if it’s going to get better, because it already is. My life is
never going to be perfect. But the people in it who have stayed and stuck by me
are. Because of that, my days are gonna be great regardless. No more allowing others
to change my mood and decide what kind of day I’m going to have. No more hiding
from life. No more looking at the negatives, only the positives. My future is
mine, and whatever I make it. I have big dreams and I am going to spend my
energy crushing my goals, not wallowing because a few things didn’t go my way.
Somebody told me recently that people knew everything about
my life and they enjoyed their privacy. The thing is, I don’t have anything to
hide. I’m not snapchatting 200 people, half of them the opposite sex, selfies
of myself, wondering who is gonna bite. I’m not trying to deceive anyone,
especially a significant other. I’ve not done anything to be ashamed of. I am
who I am, and my life is always going to be somewhat in the public because I
come from a political family, and that’s how it’s always been. And I’m grateful
for that. I like people. I enjoy being amongst the public and talking to people
and helping people and working toward making this town a better place.
My dad will be sworn in as County Judge Executive next week,
a goal he has been chasing and working toward since he was 24 years old. He has
taught me to never give up. Always persevere. Always give back. Always respect
your elders. Always be proud of your hard work and how it pays off. Always be a
good friend. Always do what you can for those in need. Always be an example.
That’s how I live my life. If you know me, then you know who I am. You know
what I’m made of and you know how hard I have worked to get where I am in this
life. For the first time in my life, I am proud of myself. I know my worth, and
2019 is going to bring a new year, with a new resolution for me: I’m going to
stop settling for less than I deserve. I am going to set goals for myself in my
career and crush them all. I am going to represent my clients to the best of my
ability and I am going to be the best attorney I can be.
Maybe my life is too open. But you know what, maybe that’s OK.
Maybe I can inspire somebody. Maybe somebody can learn something from me. Maybe
somebody can feel better about themselves. Maybe somebody will read this and
know that good days are ahead. Maybe somebody will smile knowing they had an impact
on my life. Maybe somebody will hurt a little less. Maybe somebody will
understand their struggles a little better. My goal in this life is to be a
stronger person. Be closer with God. Be a good friend, a good sister, a good
daughter. My goal in this life is to be remembered for my good deeds, and not
my mistakes. My goal in this life is to help somebody when they need it most. To
make someone’s life a little better. Because that is the legacy I want to leave
behind.
2018 was a struggle. But it was a year of strength. A year
of recovery and self discovery. 2019 is going to be the year I let my life
happen and find joy in the journey, instead of trying to control the outcome.
It’s the year to Let GO and Let GOD. He has a plan for my life. It’s time I let
Him take over.
Thank you to all of the people who have loved me and have
been there for me and made my days better. Thank you to the real people in my
life who didn’t walk away when times got hard. Thank you to those people who
made me smile when I didn’t feel like it. You have all helped me more than you
know and you have made this year one of the best, aside from the bad moments. I
am so blessed to have the people I do and I am so grateful that the Lord has
blessed me as much as He has. Let’s all be thankful that 2019 is going to be a
new year with new opportunities and new successes. I love my friends and family
so much. Good luck to all in the coming new year!
