2018: Living My Best Life and My Worst Life - All in the Same Year

Well. Here it is almost the end of the year, and here I sit because I have been sucked into watching Birdbox. That’s probably how it’s gonna end ya know. We’re probably all going to self destruct the way the state of the world is going. But, I digress.

I haven’t written anything in a while, and I’ve missed it. Writing to me can sometimes be like breathing, there is this urgent need or I feel like I will suffocate. And when I start typing the words just flow like water from a faucet and they keep coming until I have ran out of things to say. Although sometimes that doesn’t happen in real life, as most of you know.

As most of you also know, this has been a really difficult year from me. Without a doubt, it has been the most difficult of my life. This is the year I have been tested, countless times.

I’ve been broken, multiple times.

I’ve been lied to, multiple times. Right to my face.

I’ve had my heart crushed, more than once. By people I thought would never hurt me.

I’ve been betrayed. By people I thought would never do me wrong.

I’ve been judged. For every decision I’ve made.

I’ve been left. Deserted. Abandoned. By people I thought would be in my life forever.

I cry now as I think about all the hurt and the pain I have endured. Yet, I am still going. Somehow.

Why? Some days I don’t know. But I have to believe it’s because I’m not a quitter. I’m a survivor. Always have been, always will be. Because I’m a Lewis. Because I’m a Ramey. Part Smith. Part Asher. I am made from some of the most stubborn, strong, independent people to ever walk this earth. Some days that angers me. Some days, I’m pretty grateful.

I’m not innocent in this. I am a victim of my own expectations. I always believe things, and people, to be better than they are. To be as loyal as me. To be as trustworthy as me. To be as loving as me. To be as selfless as me. Not that I’m bragging, but I am not blind to the fact that I am most of those things, and because of that I am taken advantage of, and have been for as long as I can remember. I let people take advantage of me. I like to leave people better than I found them. I like to believe that the things I do for some people may be the only good things that happen to them, and that makes it worth it.  I just love to make people’s lives better, even if it means ignoring my own. Again, not bragging, but it is a fact. All of that makes my life difficult, but there are sometimes it is rewarding. And those few times, is why I keep allowing it all to happen.  

So, let’s recap the year, shall we? The good and the bad.

Early on, I got a divorce. Everyone thought Frank and I were perfect. They were shocked. But, we had been forcing it for a while. Neither wanted to admit we weren’t happy. Neither wanted to admit we were on two different ends of the spectrum and the only things we had in common were our friends and our love for TV shows and food. That’s not enough to make a marriage last. We were good for each other for a while, but we let it last too long. We got caught up in the fan club. We got caught up in the life we both wanted, but we were too different to have that life with each other.

Now, rumors went around. Lies were told. People love to prey on the pain of others. They love to have someone to talk about. They love to speculate when they don’t know they truth. Neither of us cheated. We made a decision and it was the best for us in the end. No matter how you look at it, divorces are not pretty. They aren’t fun. They’re stressful. They’re depressing. They take a toll on your physical and mental health. But, sides were chosen. I lost friends. People wanted to believe what they wanted, without asking for the truth. They walked away and turned their backs on me, even after 10 years of friendship and me bending over backwards to help them in their time of need. They didn’t show me the same courtesy. And that’s OK. Because those people are selfish and they only worry about what they think or how they feel, and that’s not a real friend. It hurt, but I have moved on.

Next stop, a short relationship that came out of nowhere that I let almost destroy me. It happened at a rough time in my life, and I was blinded by what I had been through and my hope for the future and a lot of other things. But it was just a speed bump. A bend in the road. Something that made me stronger.

After that, I decided, I needed a break. I needed to heal. I needed to get my life together without the watchful eyes of everyone in Leslie County staring at me, especially those hoping I would ruin my life and give them something else to talk about and judge me for trying to better my life. So, I bought a camper on my favorite lake in Tennessee, next to some awesome people from Leslie County. And I did so, without telling anyone. I spent weekend after weekend, waking up to the smell of lake water and sunshine and good vibes and most importantly, peace. I was at peace. And I can’t tell you how long I had went in my life without that. So long I didn’t even know. This summer, I got my life together, at least for a little while.

Also this summer, I made a few other life changing moves.

I was sworn into the Tennessee Bar. An accomplishment I am so proud of. Someday, I will be a resident of Tennessee, I imagine. But that is a chapter for another time in my life that I am not yet prepared for.

 I also decided to sell my house. I can’t afford it, and I needed a fresh start. So I put it on the market, and I found a new house that was more my size, comfortable, and all mine. No awkward memories. More kitchen space. But the best part is, it’s away from town.

The third decision I made was to take a job as a public defender in Hazard. I work in Perry District Court. I have cut my teeth under Judge Bill Engle. And what an interesting few months that has been. I have learned a lot and I have been able to help some people. I never imagined myself as a public defender. But it’s a rewarding job, and my work crew and the people I have worked around have helped save me. I have met some amazing people who have changed my life.

During all these decisions, toward the end of summer, I started another relationship. It came out of nowhere. Totally unexpected. The best kind, I’m told. For about 3 months, it was perfect. Start to a week before the finish. We both thought it was the forever kind. The kind we’d both been missing. It was fast. It was fun. We got along great. Almost exactly alike. Never fought. Never had a problem. We just fit, for some unexplained reason. Until I woke up one day out of the blue, and I could feel something was wrong. I tried to ignore it, but that night, he said he was leaving. And he did. He said we weren’t breaking up. He said we needed to slow down. But I knew better. I knew it was over. Maybe not that day, but soon. After a little over a week when he barely spoke and refused to see me, he drove over to my house to get the rest of his things and end what I thought was the relationship I would be in for the rest of my life. He said he wasn’t in love with me. He said a lot that didn’t make sense. He said a lot that hurt. I watched him drive away and I felt my heart go with him. I felt numb. This would be what broke me, and he didn’t seem to care. He walked away like so many people in my life and left me in pieces and I was left trying to pick them up and stay afloat. I waited around for a month, again let down by my own expectations, thinking he would come back. Until I found out he had moved on, with someone who was supposed to be my friend, and had in some form before he broke up with me. So I hurt all over again. I have spent over a week trying to make sense of everything and mend my life and the mess it feels like I’ve made of it. But I have come to realize something.

I haven’t made a mess of my life. I have lived. I’ve learned. I’ve loved. This life is mine. This may have been the hardest year of my life, but it has also been the year I discovered myself. The year I found out who I was. The year I started living for myself and making decisions for me. The year I have spent making myself happy. Here’s something you probably don’t know about me. I’m a social drinker. It doesn’t make me a bad person. I have tattoos. They also don’t make me a bad person. They tell my story. They tell my journey. They remind me that my struggles are not who I am and do not define me. They remind me that I am stronger than I know and I will overcome any obstacle, with time and patience, and strength. My track record is pretty good so far.

This year has went by so fast. This year has been the best and the worst of my life all at the same time. My summer life was some of the best days I’ve ever lived with some of the best people that I am so fortunate to have. I have made friends that have turned into family. I have a best friend named Brittany that has stood by me and picked me up and cried with me and mended my heart and stood up for me and loved me like a sister and been the best blessing I could ever have. I have a Mary and Mama Lou and a whole family that look after me. I have a Shayne and a Michelle and a Bri and a baby Allen that never let me feel like I’m not loved. They are always there for me and never let me down. I have a Dan and a Karen that feed me and help me with my puppy and love me and pull me out of a rut when I’m stuck (in both senses of the words). I have a Tanner and a Josh that cook for me on a fire and help me when I need it and remind me that having little brothers are special. I have a Laura and a Daniel and a Becca and a Pat and an Amber and a Josh that make concerts more fun than a barrel of monkeys and remind me what it’s like to live and let live and love and be loved. I have an Andy and a James that check on me and remind me that I have good friends and warn me about weather and talk me through rough days. I have a Miss Couch that reminds me that God and her are always there to support me and love me no matter what. I have a Val and a Jr. who treat me like one of their own. I have a lake family that I love dearly and I miss so much. So many papas and mamas who have looked after me over the years that treat me like their own. I have a Court and Tiff, a Kathryn and Ben, a Randi, a Tara, a Traci, a Stephanie, a Brook and Jesse, and so many more people that have stood by me. I have so many people that love me and are there for me and refuse to give up on me. And I have a blood family, a mom and a dad and a brother that love me and have stood by me, even when they didn’t agree with some of my decisions.

I really am so blessed. So I’ve lost people. So what if people hurt me. So what if I have had some rough days. One of my closest friends lost her mother this morning and my heart aches for her. My life could always be so much worse. This year has broken me but it does not define me. I have always used music to heal me and to remind me that this too shall pass. Old Dominion has a song that I listen to a lot. In the song it says “life is short, make it sweet.” Life is short. It is so short. Kenny Chesney has a song that I try not to listen to because it reminds me of when my granny was sick but it’s called “Don’t Blink.” I went to high school one day and I blinked and I was in college and then I blinked and I was in law school and then I blinked and now here I am. It goes so fast and we never know when our days are gonna end. But I know this. From now on, no more living in the past. No more dwelling. No more wondering if I am good enough. No more wondering if it’s going to get better, because it already is. My life is never going to be perfect. But the people in it who have stayed and stuck by me are. Because of that, my days are gonna be great regardless. No more allowing others to change my mood and decide what kind of day I’m going to have. No more hiding from life. No more looking at the negatives, only the positives. My future is mine, and whatever I make it. I have big dreams and I am going to spend my energy crushing my goals, not wallowing because a few things didn’t go my way.

Somebody told me recently that people knew everything about my life and they enjoyed their privacy. The thing is, I don’t have anything to hide. I’m not snapchatting 200 people, half of them the opposite sex, selfies of myself, wondering who is gonna bite. I’m not trying to deceive anyone, especially a significant other. I’ve not done anything to be ashamed of. I am who I am, and my life is always going to be somewhat in the public because I come from a political family, and that’s how it’s always been. And I’m grateful for that. I like people. I enjoy being amongst the public and talking to people and helping people and working toward making this town a better place.

My dad will be sworn in as County Judge Executive next week, a goal he has been chasing and working toward since he was 24 years old. He has taught me to never give up. Always persevere. Always give back. Always respect your elders. Always be proud of your hard work and how it pays off. Always be a good friend. Always do what you can for those in need. Always be an example. That’s how I live my life. If you know me, then you know who I am. You know what I’m made of and you know how hard I have worked to get where I am in this life. For the first time in my life, I am proud of myself. I know my worth, and 2019 is going to bring a new year, with a new resolution for me: I’m going to stop settling for less than I deserve. I am going to set goals for myself in my career and crush them all. I am going to represent my clients to the best of my ability and I am going to be the best attorney I can be.

Maybe my life is too open. But you know what, maybe that’s OK. Maybe I can inspire somebody. Maybe somebody can learn something from me. Maybe somebody can feel better about themselves. Maybe somebody will read this and know that good days are ahead. Maybe somebody will smile knowing they had an impact on my life. Maybe somebody will hurt a little less. Maybe somebody will understand their struggles a little better. My goal in this life is to be a stronger person. Be closer with God. Be a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter. My goal in this life is to be remembered for my good deeds, and not my mistakes. My goal in this life is to help somebody when they need it most. To make someone’s life a little better. Because that is the legacy I want to leave behind.

2018 was a struggle. But it was a year of strength. A year of recovery and self discovery. 2019 is going to be the year I let my life happen and find joy in the journey, instead of trying to control the outcome. It’s the year to Let GO and Let GOD. He has a plan for my life. It’s time I let Him take over.

Thank you to all of the people who have loved me and have been there for me and made my days better. Thank you to the real people in my life who didn’t walk away when times got hard. Thank you to those people who made me smile when I didn’t feel like it. You have all helped me more than you know and you have made this year one of the best, aside from the bad moments. I am so blessed to have the people I do and I am so grateful that the Lord has blessed me as much as He has. Let’s all be thankful that 2019 is going to be a new year with new opportunities and new successes. I love my friends and family so much. Good luck to all in the coming new year!

For Laura Jane

Hey baby girl.

Today is March 2^nd 2018, the day you were born. I’m assuming that someday you’re going to wonder what it was like the day you were born, so I’m documenting this day like I told your mother I would. You haven’t made your appearance to meet me yet, but this is your Aunt Jess. I can’t wait to see your gorgeous little face in a few hours (I hope, only a few, anyway).

I haven’t always known your mother, a mere few years give or take, but she took up a presence in my life like no other. I met her while she was working at Red Light Café, and instantly loved her. She has this personality that can light up a room, and make everyone in it wish they could shrink her and pack her around in their pocket. That’s how much she is loved, and how much you are already loved. She was only 15 or so when I first met her, but you’d have thought she was 20 or more as mature and outgoing as she was. Her sense of humor is like no other and she can put a smile on your face or pull a laugh out of you on even your darkest days. That’s how she drew me in. She was a ray of sunshine in a world full of darkness.

Not long after I met your mother, I met your biological aunt, Brittany. I get to be your aunt, too, but not by relation, just by choice, cause I’m awesome, which you’ll see someday.  Your aunt Brittany is my best friend in the whole wide world. We are so much alike it is scary, and I don’t know what I’d do without her, or your whole lovable dysfunctional family in my life. She has been there for me this year through some pretty rough times. And last year. And well, you get the idea. She's my person. And when she has a baby, I'm going to be doing this same thing, documenting every hateful word she says (she's a little scary, but still lovable) and recording all the important details of the day the baby is born. Your aunt Britt is an amazing woman, and someone you are lucky to share blood with. She protects me and she tells me the truth and says mean things because I need to hear them. But there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for her, and nothing she wouldn't do for me. I hope someday when you're older you find a best friend you can love that much. It's the only way to do life.

Bless his heart. Your granddad is pacing around here right now awaiting your arrival. I can tell he is nervous, as we all are, because we are just so excited to meet you. But your granddad is a very wise man. He has a great sense of humor that I've come to love and appreciate. He may be a bit ornery at times, but you will come to love that about him, just like I have. And Val, your grandma, is all the things amazing women are made of. She has taken care of her family, and people like me, since I've known her. She is an incredible woman. Someone I think of like a mother who is always there for me and who has raised two pretty amazing daughters and who I know will have a tremendous impact on your life. You are going to have the most strongest genes a girl an have, because you have the blood of some the best women I have ever known.  Someday you'll see.

I’ve known your father for a good 15 years. We went through high school together and were part of the few people who stayed and made a life in this little town. He’s a little rough around the edges, but I think you’re going to straighten him right out when you get here. You’re going to change him, in ways he never imagined. You are going to make him the man he’s been trying to be for a long time, and wrap him around your tiny little finger like a ball of yarn. But, I have a feeling you’re going to do that to all of us. You have no idea how much you are loved, little one.

So far, it’s about 10:30 AM and we’ve all lost sleep and are bursting with excitement at your arrival. I’m sitting in this tiny little waiting room with what appears to be a very odd family, but you’re too young to understand just yet or I would explain. Maybe someday though, I’ll sit you down and tell you all this and add in all the things I’m having to leave out. I’m much more colorful and animated in person than through the strokes of these keys. But what I will tell you is that your mother looks beautiful. I took a picture of her for you. Someday you’re going to want to see it. I giggled at her because she sat in there and put her makeup on. She’s much, much better at it than I am. I rarely wear makeup and when I do I look like I had a toddler put it on me. But she is skilled. And she wanted to look perfect for your arrival, and believe me, she does. She is radiant and glowing. She is nervous and giddy, and so excited to meet you, ecstatic really.

They just brought out a newborn baby girl by the waiting room I’m in. She is beautiful, and tiny, and so peaceful looking. I imagine you’re going to look something like that, but you’re going to be the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of beautiful babies. I remember when your mother told me she was pregnant with you. She decorated a tiny little pumpkin like a baby girl, and I promise to show you a picture someday, but it was so sweet. It had a little pacifier and hair bows and eyelashes. And she wrote me a poem to tell me about you, from you, so to speak:

“They’ve always said girls are full of pumpkin spice and everything nice… well I say that at least. Momma’s always unorganized and an absolute mess…help me out and be my auntie Jess!”

I remember being filled with so many emotions and tears filling my eyes. I wasn’t sure she was ready for you yet. She was young, so full of life, and had so many things to accomplish. I see now, that you were one of those things, this accomplishment, this major blessing that we all needed in our lives.

I don’t have any children of my own, not yet anyway. At this point who knows if I ever will, it’s very doubtful, but still possible I suppose. Just in case, I hope you don’t mind if I spoil you as much as possible. Something you will come to learn about your Aunt Jess, is that I love hard and uncontrollable. My love knows no boundaries, and I give everything I have until I have nothing left, always hard and fast, and that scares people away…especially people who aren’t used to it. They don’t know what to do with someone like me. Someday though, someone will. Someday, someone will appreciate all that about me, and they will love me for the same things I love about me. They will love me because I make them better and they will make me better, too. I’ve not been loving myself much here lately, but I’m going to start. The good thing about all that is, I have a lot of knowledge to share with you, and maybe, hopefully, my own kid someday. Someday when you are older, I will tell you about life and about all the things I’ve been through and I will try to help guide you and shape you into the amazing person I know you are destined to be. I know that you will need someone like me, to share my mistakes and to help you when you make a few of your own. I’d like to think I’d make a good mom someday, but only God knows if that is meant to be. I love to love, and I love to take care of the people I love, especially those most fragile and those who need it most, like you and other little ones. Maybe you will let me practice a little on you, just in case. Until then though, you and a few more little kids get to share my big heart full of love and joy, and life lessons. I can’t wait to hold you and tell you all about how much you are loved.

I’ve been typing for a while now. All your family is back there with your momma, waiting on you to get here. Your grandparents are here, and your dad and your aunt Britt and Uncle Dave and your aunt Anna, who isn’t much older than you. But she is something else, and you’re going to love her. I took pictures of them for you, too. Someday you’re going to want to know just how we spent this day, and how we felt when we got to meet you. I can’t imagine that just yet, but I will let you know how it turns out when you get here.

The gentleman across from me is waiting on his grandson. His son is a big Top Gun fan, (which I’ll watch with you someday, along with lots of other wonderful 80s films) so he is naming the little boy Maverick, and has already gotten the tattoo of it on his left forearm. I saw him earlier. He looked worried and excited, his first baby is a boy and he gets to name him something he loves – Maverick Joe. Your name is pretty special, too, Laura Jane. You’ll get to hear about it someday, and how it came about. Let me tell you though, just how excited I am that you got that name instead of some of the ones you could have had. No offense to your mother, but she was about to go out on a limb there for a minute. But you need to know that you are named after two wonderful women - one of which I had the pleasure of meeting, one unfortunately, I did not. What I can tell you is that those two women shared the same blood as you. Those two women were strong, and fearless, and courageous, and they were made of a type of special glue that held families together and strengthened them like steel beams. They are no longer here with us, sadly, but we like to think that you are a nice mix of them, and that you are going to fill some of the void they left behind. They are going to live on through you and you are going to bring joy and love to the hearts of everyone who knows you.

Update on your delivery: It is 11:13 and your Aunt Britt just sent me a sweet picture of your mom and Anna. Nothing major happening yet, but we will wait patiently for you. You have been worth the wait, little one. It just occurred to me that I haven’t been in this hospital in over 10 years, since my granny got sick. My memories of inside these walls are very unhappy, until today. Today, I get to be present for the first time, for a new life to be brought into this world. You are the first baby I’ve ever been present for a birth of. And boy, are you special. So special in fact, that I’m tearing up writing this and I haven’t even met you yet.

You. Are. So. Loved.

Update: It’s around 3:00 and we’ve all been patiently waiting for you, still. Your Uncle Timmy and your other set of grandparents have gotten here, Paul and Arlene. We're all so excited. Keeping your Aunt Anna occupied has been quite the time. Especially when I tried to read her a story. And when she beat the bathroom door down on your Uncle Dave. And when she found a little boyfriend in the waiting room and when he tried to kiss her goodbye, she yelled “ANNA IS SO SHY!!!” and then cried when we all laughed at her. All of us are telling stories and imagining what it’s going to be like to be with you. You don’t know how important all these people are to me, and how important you are to me, but you will. I’m going to have to leave soon, but don’t worry, I will see you soon, little one.

Update: I had to leave around 4:30. You were born at 7:28. Your aunt sent me a picture of you and I cried tears of joy. The next day, today, March 3^rd, I came to visit you. I held you and I hugged you, and I loved you instantly.  You were so tiny, I don’t know if I’ve ever held a baby so small. But you opened your eyes and looked at me like you could see straight into my soul. It’s a day I will never forget. I think your existence has already changed my life more than I could ever have imagined. Someday, I am going to tell you so many important things. I am going to love you and be there for you and tell you life lessons and give you more advice than you can handle. Someday, you are going to talk to me and tell me about your day at school and we’re going to do so many fun things. Don’t get the idea that I want you to grow up too fast though. I want to enjoy every minute of your growing up. I know it’s going to go fast enough as it is. I promise to cherish every moment and love you always.

Love,

Aunt Jess