2011: The Year of Significance

It’s hard to believe this year is practically over already. Normally I wait until New Year’s to do this, but I don’t foresee anything detrimental to this post happening in the next week.  If so, that’s why there is an ‘edit’ button. Anywho, this should be an interesting read for those of you that know me, or want to know me.

We may as well start from the top. 

January started what could be the most significant year of my life so far. I was in my last semester of college. Ever.  And, quite possibly the most helpful of my four semesters at MTSU.  I found my love for writing and my passion for law again. It’s odd really to think that I had forgot how much I loved to write, but this made me think I could actually do it for a living.  And wow, it was a fight.  I had a hateful, decrepit man for a teacher in Feature Writing that made me cry almost every time I left his class. On the other hand I had an awesome teacher in Reporting, one that I actually enjoyed getting up at 8 O’ Clock to go sit and listen to.  As the semester wore on things got better in Feature Writing, but things in my life began to fall apart. 

My nearly three year relationship with Jason was in shambles. We fought constantly, over some of the most unimportant things.  I contributed it to the stress in my life, and I apologized constantly but I think I knew that there was a deeper rift than my apologies could ever fix. And I don’t want to say that I take complete blame. I tried to make it work, but relationships can’t be one sided. Still, we moved along, just at a very slow pace.

In May, I graduated from MTSU with a Bachelor’s Degree in Music Business. I finally after six LONG years of college, completed the degree I had wanted. Then I didn’t want it anymore. Well, it wasn’t that I didn’t want it per say. After interning with TKO Artist Management, one of the top firms in Nashville, I just realized it wasn’t the kind of job I wanted. I missed my family, I missed my friends, I missed Jason, and I wanted things to work with him so bad. I decided to come home and leave my music dream and Nashville behind, not to look back.

Toward the end of May, disaster really struck.  None of the jobs with newspapers I had applied for had came through, I felt like a failure.  And then, the weekend after I came home, Jason and I got into a fight. It’s mostly a blur now, but it set us on a three week battle. I fought to stay in the relationship, he fought to end it. I loved him, more than anything on Earth. I truly thought that if I just came home, if we were closer, we could make things work. I’d be happier, no stress of school, we could start moving forward. Turns out, that was all a mirage. I woke up June 3, to a Facebook message, two months shy of our three year anniversary.  I was devastated. 

I had nowhere to go. I had spent the last three years focusing on our relationship and my future with him. I was lost because I didn’t have a plan anymore. I hoped among hope that we would get back together, but that didn’t last very long. He refused to speak to me and still does. He apparently doesn’t even want to be my friend, but that is his choice and I respect it. It was a hard loss to get over. Heartbreak could be the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. It’s this feeling of death, sadness, and grief all rolled into one. It was like a part of me had died.  I spent two months in a deep depression. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and I cried constantly. I lost 20 pounds because I had no appetite.  I felt hopeless. 

But like any heartbreak, I got over it. It took a while, but it did happen. I found the light at the end of the tunnel. I realized that we weren’t good for each other anymore. We had been at one point, just not anymore. I like to compare it to the Billy Currington song that came out around that time, “Love Done Gone.”

“Don't worry, baby, sometimes things change
Nothin' we can do about it now, no way
This doesn't come easy, but that's just life
We can't keep pretendin' everything's alright

We told each other it was love before
The simple truth is it just ain't no more
The bells stop ringin', the music won't play
The crazy little feelin' that's faded away

Like snowflakes when the weather warms up
Like leaves on the trees when the autumn comes
Like the dogwood blossoms in a late spring rain
All the disappearin' bubbles in a glass of champagne
Like a red kite lost in a blue sky wind
I don't know where the good times went
It ain't nothin' we ever said or ever did wrong
It's just love done gone

I don't regret a single thing that we did
Anytime together, we ever spent
I wouldn't change a thing, baby, you know
Sometimes we gotta just go with the flow

Like snowflakes when the weather warms up
Like leaves on the trees when the autumn comes
Like the dogwood blossoms in a late spring rain
All the disappearin' bubbles in a glass of champagne
Like money in a slot machine
Don't know what happened to you and me
It ain't nothin' we ever said or ever did wrong
It's just love done gone”

It just summed up everything I felt about it. It still hurts sometimes. I miss his family so much because I was so attached to them. But, I will always love them. That doesn’t have to change. Some great things came out of our relationship. I learned a lot, and I made a lot of new friends, friends I will keep forever.

After I got over the initial shock and depression, I started looking at myself in a new light. I started asking myself what it was that I wanted.  I had allowed myself to get lost in the three years we were together. I wanted to remember who I was, and figure out what I wanted.  I took full time at the bank until I could figure out what that was.  They transferred me to the Hurts Creek branch, where I currently work the drive thru window.  So far it has been a wonderful experience. I have been working at Hyden Citizens Bank for almost four years and I love it. I had thought about trying to make a career out of it, and still haven’t ruled it out. But at the moment, I’m finally trying to chase my other dream – law.

At one of the lowest points in my life, I found a friend that I never expected. But they have been there for me through some of the hardest days I’ve ever had. They have stood by me and encouraged me and helped me put my life back together. They believed in me enough to give me the courage to follow my dream of being a lawyer, and I may never be able to repay them for all they have done.  But I am truly grateful.

In putting myself back together, I gave myself somewhat of a makeover. I started dressing better, I got a tan, and I worked on my self-esteem. I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl around, and certainly by no means the skinniest, but I am a great person. I try to help others, I love with all my heart, and I work hard at everything. I always give 110 percent. I love me. I would love me even more if I was about 30 pounds lighter, but I’m working on that, too.

This year I had a lot of firsts.  I laid in the tanning bed for the first time, rode a roller coaster, went to a Nascar race, had not one, but three, articles published, and most recently went to Church for the first time.  I am a long way from being the person I want to be, but I am better for the things I have gone through this year. I have learned to be happy with myself, and work on the things that I’m not happy with. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason I have gone through all this, there is a reason I am where I am today. I have so many blessings in my life – friends, family, co-workers, a great job, hopes for the future – I look forward to where I’m going.

I also got blessed with three nephews this year – Shade, Brayden, and Matthew.  Maybe not by blood, but nephews just the same. I have reconnected with old friends that I’d lost or been away from. I have built better relationships with those closest to me. I have re-discovered the importance of family. Each month I spend the last Sunday with my extended family on Dad’s side. I miss my granny more than anything, but I love so much spending time with them, and staying connected. In a way it’s like nothing has changed. We are still the same people. We still act the same way. There are just more of us. As our family grows, so does my granny’s memory.

This year was a year of discoveries, learning experiences, and in short—life.  We live and we learn, and we never stop.  Life doesn’t stop and wait for us to catch up. It just happens, and we have to catch up with life.  I’m still catching up, but I’m OK with that. I have time. I’m in no hurry. I’m more spontaneous these days, and I like it that way. Not having a plan has been good for me. Right now, I’m just enjoying the ride.

I hope everyone has an awesome 2012. I plan to :). And that’s the first plan I’ve made in a long time.  Peace!     

The Good Ole Days

Since my granny's passing in 2007, my family and I have continued the tradition of Sunday dinner in her honor once a month at her home.  We potluck, reminisce, laugh and remember the good ole days.  It's not the same without her by any means, but some things never change.  Like today.

We had our Thanksgiving get together.  There was so much food it took up two tables, and of course like tradition all the desserts were placed on the deep freezer.  I don't know who started that or why it continues, but some things are not meant to be questioned--that's just how we roll.  There were two types of everything there, from Mac n' Cheese to sweet potato casserole, turkey, etc.  Needless to say, there was more than enough food and plenty left over, a very rare occurrence.  No one left hungry.

As usual, there were children of all ages.  Sometime between 2006 and 2009 there was a baby boom in my family.  Literally, there were AT LEAST 14 kids born during that time.  It's strange because I was thinking today as they all ran a circle around the fireplace, some things really never change.  I couldn't tell you how many times my generation of cousins and I have ran that same circle until one of us ended up hurt, and then we were all scolded to sit down and stop running.  It amazes me just how much doesn't change.  Those kids do the same exact thing my bunch did.  They hide in the same places, climb the same trees, make the same mistakes with their parents, and it literally shocks me.  It's like a weird case of deja vu.  It's almost like I'm reliving some moments in my past.  The sad part -- my grandmother isn't going to be in their memories.

This generation will not eat her chicken and dumplings, her made-from-scratch biscuits, or her meatloaf.  This generation will not hear her laugh so hard she cries and gets so tickled she can't finish her story.  I guess I inherited that from her.  This generation will not experience the warmth of her hugs and the gentleness of her soul.  They won't remember the $20 dollars in cash and gift from Belks that she gave to every single grandchild each year.  They won't understand the significance of why the pictures are not to be moved, of why the curtains will not be changed, the roosters are still on the shelf in the kitchen, and why her room is locked tighter than a drum.  They won't get why the flower bushes are not to be touched.  They won't remember why the ramp was built on to the side of the house, or the significance of the house itself.  They won't hear any of her stories about her childhood and taking care of her siblings after her mother died, or how she raised 10 kids with an alcoholic and abusive husband.  They won't have any idea why the best thing in life is sitting on the porch in a cool breeze drinking an RC cola and eating a moon pie, preferably vanilla.  They won't know that granny's favorite time of year was fall, and that she loved Ponderosa, or any buffet for that matter.  She just loved food.

It is so hard some days, remembering the days when the first place you went when you walked in the door was the kitchen.  Granny would be sitting there, peeling taters, or mixing cornbread with her hands.  She never measured anything.  Her silver hair would be tied back and one leg would be propped up on a chair.  she had a rag in one hand and a fork in the other.  "Hi sweet darlin'," she would say.  Her laugh will be stuck in my head for years and years to come.  I hope I never forget it.             

My grandmother is the only person thus far I have ever lost that was extremely close to me.  My grandpa always terrified me so I kept my distance, so much that when he died I barely remember crying.  My mom's dad died when I was 6 months old, and my mom's mom, well, she was special, but I never quite knew her like my dad's mom.  As sad as it is to say, I don't think I loved her as much as my dad's mom either.  She meant everything to me.  I have so many regrets from how I handled losing her, but I know she is in a better place, and I know that she knew I loved her.  I remember her most on days like today, surrounded by the family she created, the family she loved, and the family who will keep her memory alive. 

I should be studying for the LSAT right now, considering that I haven't and it's in a week.  But when something like this weighs on your mind you haven't much room for anything else.  I don't know where the time went.  5 years ago I was leaving my granny's house and not realizing that I wouldn't share another Thanksgiving with her.  5 years ago, I thought I had all the time in the world with the people I love.  Everyone says that "back in the good ole days..." blah, blah, blah.  The good ole days still exist as long as we are alive and can enjoy those we love that are still with us.  No, Merle, as bad as I hate to say that you are wrong, the good times are in fact not really over.  I miss my granny, but it has taught me to live life, and spend time with those you love while you still have the chance and so do they.  Make the best of what time you have, and always save room for the good ole days.

Enjoy the music!

Well, might I start by saying this is strictly for my own expression.  But I've heard enough the last few days, so much that I feel I must share my opinion. Even if no one reads it.

For the last few months, but moreso the last few days for some reason, I continue to hear about how much Country music has changed.  I hear that it sounds like old Rock, or that it sucks, or that it's like watered down Pop. Well I have something to say about that.

Music is how you perceive it to be.  Music is one of the most powerful things we have the privilege of being exposed to.  It has the power to start a movement, stop a war, ease a troubled mind, mend a broken heart, and say about anything you can't find the words to say yourself.  Music can band a people together, unite a crowd the way nothing else can.

It. Is. Amazing.

The truth is, music is just like everything else around us -- people, technology, etc, -- it evolves. Nothing ever stays the same, everything is constantly changing.  There are exceptions to this rule, for example, Jamey Johnson. We all thought we'd heard the last of the Outlaw movement until he arrived, but here he is.  He is awesome, but if you'll notice, he doesn't have the following that others have.  It's because he doesn't roll with the tide, he does his own thing.  I'm not saying that Taylor Swift is Country, I don't think she is. I don't particularly care for her music, I tolerate it. Just the way I tolerate most of everything by that Minaj chick, Selena Gomez, and let us not forget Justin Beaver.  But like I said earlier, it's how you perceive it.

Country is full of watered down Pop, I agree.  And Country may not be Country 'no more' as Travis Tritt proclaimed some years back.  What I love about Country, is that no matter how it changes, no matter how many goofy songs like "Red Solo Cup" or "Ticks" come out, most of the time, the message is still the same: we are who we are, and we don't like to change.  There are those songs that come out that we can still relate to the message in it.  Most recently, "Made in America" by Toby Keith.

"He's got the Red, White and Blue flying high on the farm
Semper Fi tattoo on his left arm
spends a little more in the store for a tag 
in the back that says "U.S.A."

Won't buy nothing that he can't fix
with WD 40 and a Craftsman wrench.
He ain't prejudice, he's just,
made in America."

I know people just like that.  I know older folks like that who are in the minority, and who is their voice? Toby Keith, Brad Paisley, Eric Church, etc.  Brad Paisley had another great song called "This is Country Music" that describes just what Country music is about for those who don't understand or sometimes forget:

"You're not supposed to say the word 'cancer'
in a song.
And tellin' folks that Jesus is the answer
can rub 'em wrong.

It ain't hip to sing about tractors, trucks, little towns, and mama,
yeah that might be true.
But this is country music
and we do."

Who writes lyrics like that?  Not Jay-Z and Beyonce. Not Kesha. Not Justin Beaver, or Kanye West.  They don't know jack.  I could sit here and talk about this subject all day.  I majored in it.  I studied it. I love it.

Unfortunately, I don't have all day, and neither do you.  My message is this: you don't have to love it to understand it.  Music may have changed to some degree.  We still have the Bob Seger's and the Eagles in the world who make good music and entertain us.  We have newcomers everyday.  You have the power to make music, choose music, or turn off music.  I couldn't make it without it.  I have a song for every mood. I love it, I live with a song in my head.  I am guilty of complaining myself but honestly, I shouldn't.  I am grateful we have music.  I can't imagine my life without it.

The Bible says that if you can't sing you should make a joyful noise. That's enough for me.

And these are the days of our lives...

If you are reading this, I will warn you to stop.  It probably won't be nearly as good as you're expecting, and I don't like disappointing people.  But aside from that, if you have a few minutes to kill, this may be better than the local newspaper.

As most of you know, I went to school in Tennessee for a couple years, chasing a dream just like every mountain lover who wanted to give the big city a try.  I thought the music business was for me.  And, it may be, but not right now.  I missed my family, my friends, and my normal life where I could go to the bank and work, see people I enjoy seeing, and go home.  It's funny the simple things you take for granted that you miss when they are absent from your life.  I was a journalism minor and seemed to take to that pretty well.  Which is where this blog comes in.  I tried to get a job in the newspaper industry, and failed miserably.  Apparently, a music business major with no experience writing for a paper isn't enticing, even to the worst newspapers in the area.  I guess my charm and quick wit can't always be my ace in the hole. Therefore, rather than hide what small amount of talent I've been told I have in the back of my mind with all the other things I've given up over the years (dance lessons, guitar lessons, etc.), I thought maybe I would write something completely ridiculous and hope it was entertaining enough to hold the interest of you, the reader, or if I'm lucky, reader(s). If you don't use it, you lose it. Hopefully, I will have much more entertaining thoughts to elaborate on in my next post.

So, let's talk about life for a moment.  My life.  I am a complete nutjob.  I mean, think about it.  I went to college 6 years to get a Bachelor's degree in a prosfession completely worthless where I live.  What is wrong with me?  I went to school for 6 years to work at the bank?  Don't get me wrong, I love my job.  It makes me happy, I love coming to work, I love the people I work with, but why did I waste so much time?  OH and the other piece of the puzzle.  Law School.  I'm signed up to take the LSAT in December.  I can't seem to make up my mind where I want to be or what I want to be doing.  I am the most indecisive person on the planet, at least that's how I feel most days.  I like having other people making decisions for me, at least sometimes.  Like where I want to eat.  If somebody will at least tell me where to go, I can totally decide what to order.  Well, anywhere other than Hyden.  That decision is usually pretty simple, even for me.

New topic.  I have a small attention span.  I switch topics very abruptly sometimes without warning.  Anyway.  The topic.  My transition.  On June 3, 2011, my life was forever changed.  I had my heart broken by the one person I thought loved me the most.  More like crushed.  Then burned.  Let's just say it, was really bad.  Honestly, it was the worst pain I've ever felt.  I've heard it compared to a death, and that is probably the best description I can come up with.  It is the combination of hurt, betrayal, loss, frustration, anger, confusion, sorrow, and so much more all poured into one giant melting pot of tears.  I woke up one morning to a Facebook message, basically summing up the last 2 years and 10 months into two words: it's over.  I couldn't go to work. I couldn't get out of bed.  I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't eat.  I was the most depressed human on the planet.  I was lost.  I had no sense of myself, where I needed to go, or how to grieve for somebody that I thought I would spend my life with.  He refused to talk to me.  He gave me no explanation.  I asked myself everyday "What did I do?" and "What do I do now?".  But, I have far too much of my father in me to let a heartbreak be the defining moment in my life.  A defining moment, perhaps.  THE defining moment, hell no.  I definitely learned from it.  I had to take a step back from my life.  Up until that point my only aspiration was to make it back home to be with him, start a life, build our dreams from scratch.  Where do I go?  What does this mean for my future?  I asked myself questions everyday trying to come to terms with the direction of where my life was now headed.  So. I did something I hadn't done in so long I had forgotton the last time.  I asked myself the most important question, "What do I want?"  What I didn't want, was to move again.  I just got home.  Things were just starting to make sense again.  I went on a journey of self-discovery. Not by myself ironically, I had company.  Voices of reason who reminded me what was important in life.  So, I went through the transition of finding myself.  My true self.  I make my decisions, I live my life, I became the person I wanted to be.  I became me. I am more myself today than I have ever been in my life, and I am proud of who I am.

With all that said, it may sound like I live this exciting life.  Well, I don't.  I get up and I go to work, where I sit with my friends, talk about life's challenges and trials, stare out my drive thru window and watch the same people day in and day out.  And, that's just how I like it.  I did find my spontanaeity streak in my transition.  So, I can't tell you that I will still be staring out this same window this time next year, or the year after that.  I have no idea where I'm going.  I have found the the best things happen when you aren't planning.  So, I stopped planning.  I go with the flow. I'm letting life find me right now.  So far, it's working perfectly.  I'm happy.



Song for this post:

"Let It Go"

I've been caught sideways out here on the crossroads
Trying to buy back the pieces I lost of my soul
It's hard when the devil won't get off your back
It's like carrying around the past in a hundred pound sack

[Chorus]
Today I'm gonna keep on walking
I'm gonna hold my head up high
I'm gonna leave it all behind
Today I'm gonna stand out in the rain
Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away
I'm gonna let it go Oh yeah
I'm gonna let it go Oh yeah

Skeletons and Ghosts are hiding in the shadows
Threatening me with all the things that they know
Choices and mistakes, they all know my name
But I'm through holding in and holding onto all that pain

[Chorus]

I know I know I know I've been forgiven
I know I know I know I'm gonna start living

[Chorus]

Oh yeah

(Tim McGraw)