Riding the Roller Coaster: My Journey to Being an Attorney

This morning I woke up as someone new. This morning, I woke up as an attorney. It’s a strange feeling to have finally reached this point in my life. Still shocking, almost, because I’m not sure I believed I would get here. Yesterday was an emotional day for me, not just because of being sworn in, but also because Justice Venters allowed my brother to make the motion to admit me to the bar. We didn’t go to the same law school so he couldn’t hood me when I graduated, so that moment yesterday meant more to me than I could ever imagine. It was also special because my mom had to struggle a little since she’s still recovering and she was able to witness it. And also because my best friend showed up to surprise me when I didn’t know she was coming. It has been a blessing having her in my life. I don’t know how I ended up with such amazing and supportive people in my life, but I am extremely blessed. The people in my life got me through some of the most difficult times and they were there when I needed them most. Even if I had never made it to this place, to this day, I would still be blessed, and so fortunate, to be wealthy with blessings and not material things.  Yesterday I think I saw my dad tear up a little. The man who doesn’t cry, but the man I know cried at my wedding, even though he said he didn’t. My dad is my biggest fan, and I don’t know where I would be without him.  After reaching this moment, I can’t help but think about the journey. I can’t help but reflect on how far I’ve come and what I’ve went through to get to this day, and to reach this goal. 

You ever watch that show This is Us? The one that rips your guts out a little at a time and then puts all your broken pieces back together? It takes you through the lives of these people who find out who they are and seize the day. The ones who figure out the meaning of life all the while struggling through some of life’s most common problems – relationships, weight, image, heartbreak, death, family drama, careers, etc.  My husband hates that show. So I have to watch it when he’s gone or if I get up earlier on the weekends than he does. He enjoys the superhero shows, or the feel good shows that don’t make you cry and yo-yo with your emotions the entire episode. But, I love it. Every episode I’m like, “this is magical television.” Because it’s real. They deal with real stuff. Stuff that ain’t pretty, but stuff we all deal with. Anyway, I can relate. Sometimes I feel like my life is a television show. And sometimes I watch TV shows and think, “this is my life.” Not that show in particular, but, you see where I’m going.   For the past two years, I have been through a lot of emotions. I’ve dealt with some of the happiest moments of my life, and some of the lowest points I ever thought possible. I’ve ridden this rollercoaster of life with an endless pass. There was no hopping off for me, only a continuous jolt of emotion. When I get on a coaster, I immediately regret it as it takes off.

This was a terrible decision. I should not be allowed to think for myself. I’m never doing this again.

And then when it takes a few curves I’m like, “this is kinda fun”.

It’s a constant back and forth, but I’ve learned to sit back and enjoy the ride. Life is just like that. I’ve waited two years to tell this story because it wasn’t ready to be told, until now. The past two years have been like an unfinished puzzle. That one piece in the center was missing and it left a gaping hole. A gaping hole I felt for two years. On October 6, 2017, all that changed, with a single email.

It’s been a long time since I wrote one of these. I’ve sat down to write more than a dozen times and I couldn’t. It just didn’t feel right. Part of that was because I couldn’t say this one sentence, until now: I passed the bar exam. I. PASSED. THE. BAR. EXAM. On the morning of Friday, October 6, I opened an email that read, “We are pleased to inform you that you successfully completed the July 2017 Tennessee Bar Examination.”

Whoa.

In July 2015, those were not the words I opened in an email. Those were not the words I opened in several emails since. It physically hurts to admit that. It really does. Because even though I know some of you don’t want to judge me, even a little bit, you’re probably thinking, “wow, I’m surprised, I thought she was smarter than that.”

And, you’re right. I am.

Some of you are reading this, and you’re probably smiling, because you hoped I wouldn’t succeed and you smile at the thought of me having so much difficulty along the way, even though I made it. You might think I was naïve enough to think you didn’t exist, but I know you do. And, I know who you are. At least, I know some of you. Others are well disguised, but, that’s ok, because it doesn’t matter now.

I did it.

For a while, I believed that was never going to happen. I had accepted it was impossible and I told myself that this time was going to be just like the others. I’d open that email and read the same words then cry for a while until I could pick up the pieces and pull myself back together. And, I did cry for a while, but they were tears of joy. In that moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of emotion. I can’t even accurately describe the rush I felt.  It was so many feelings at once – relief, accomplishment, joy, sadness, fear, frustration, and on and on. When I read those words, tears instinctively filled my eyes. I read them again. I read them three more times. I hit my knees and I cried and I thanked God, because I knew He was responsible. It was because of HIM that I got here.  In those first few minutes within reading the news, all the memories of the last two years came flooding back. All the struggles. All the emotions. All the failures. All the times I told myself I wasn’t good enough. And as one of my favorite movie quotes says, “I guess that’s what happens at the end, you start thinking about the beginning.” This wasn’t THE end, but it was the end of this chapter, this long road, after two years of ups and downs, two years of fighting. I started thinking about the beginning.

I hope you’ve got time, it’s a long story.

This story begins on September 25, 2015 – the day I received news that I was unsuccessful on the Kentucky bar exam. It was three days after my 28^th birthday. I was in Louisville with Frank for a conference, and I was partially devastated and partially numb. I’d been preparing myself since July for that feeling, because my bar exam experience was far less than desirable and much more of a nightmare than I had intended. Not entirely I guess, the first day was fine, other than a tax question that none of us were expecting on the essays.  That’s right, a tax question every bar exam prep program had assured us would NOT be on the exam. And then, there it was, the third question on the morning session.

YAY. THIS IS SO MUCH FUN. I LOVE TAX LAW.

Not. Nobody loves tax law. At least I’ve never met anyone.

Anyway, that portion was fine. I was prepared. I was ready. I knew I did fine. Then that night during dinner, I started feeling overwhelmed. Even though I had the feeling I had done well during the day, I had still not slept well the night before and the feeling of anxiety crept up on me. I started panicking. I sat up until 2 that morning reading flashcards and reviewing quick sheets. I barely slept. I was so tired and stressed by the time the morning half started I had all but given up. By the time the second half was over, I had endured such an intense and relentless migraine that I could barely see or even read the questions. With no medication, I sat there and prayed to God to help me make it through that day. I’m sure it was probably caused from lack of sleep and immense stress and a feeling of epic failure, but there was nothing I could do but try my best to finish. I walked out of that room epically defeated. I got in my vehicle to leave that day and I cried halfway home, because I knew that I had failed the multiple choice (MBE) portion.

On Friday, September 25^th, 2015, my fears were confirmed in an email, with a score 16 points shy of the one I needed to be admitted to the Kentucky bar. I had passed the essays as I expected, but that gave me little solace at the time. I tried to give myself pep talks, but they didn’t help. That failure sent me down a path spiraling toward depression that I fought off for the past two years.

Happier times were ahead though, just like that first dip in a roller coaster ride. Eight days after that awful news, I still moved into a new chapter in my life. On October 3, 2015, I got married, in a beautiful barn in London, KY. It was the coldest day of winter. On top of the cold, it rained, so we had to crowd inside the barn for a very intimate ceremony, which turned out beautiful and definitely unique. Because of the rain my dress got muddy, and hardly anyone stayed for the reception because of the weather and the reception location being in a tent. My caterer screwed me. They didn’t give us all the food that we paid for. Also, I didn’t know that $400 worth of wedding cake was left in the tent that had to be thrown away the next morning, and I cried. I would have eaten it. Not all of it, but I mean, UGH. Other than that, my wedding was pretty perfect. We had an amazing wedding party, my dress was the most gorgeous dress I’d ever seen and I remember not wanting to take it off. I loved my beautiful cake. It turned out spectacular, both looking and tasting delicious.  Our pictures turned out amazing, other than us getting in a hurry and forgetting to take individual pictures with my bridesmaids. We got stunning photos and a very emotional wedding video out of it. But little did I realize, that 8 days before that, my bad news would start me on a path of negativity. I began to focus on the negative things about my wedding day, instead of the positive. Looking back now, I see the real picture. I see where I made mistakes, but I had to learn the hard way.
(Update: I was divorced March 2018).

Our honeymoon, on the other hand, was like a dream. We had beautiful weather in our own little island paradise of Daufuskie Island, including a visit to Savannah in all of its weeping willows, gorgeous cobblestone streets and unbelievable history. We fell in love with the area. So much so, in fact, we started looking for real estate on the island that week. We couldn’t afford it, and still can’t, but we are making plans for the future. On that island we found a peace like we had never known.  We were surrounded by picturesque beauty with such serene spots and peaceful quiet and nothing but the sound of the ocean most days and nights. We got up early and went to watch the sunrise on clear mornings. That was a beauty like I had never seen. The day we left, I have only ever felt that way about leaving my home. I couldn’t believe I had found a place that felt like home in just a few days. But we did, and when my days are bad, even now, I look at pictures of this little island paradise to make my day a little better.

I’m trying to only put the high points in here, but with everything you have to have balance. You need the lows just as much as the highs, because the lows are what make you appreciate the highs when they finally come around. Once the honeymoon was over, it was really over. Our house wasn’t finished like we planned, and it forced us to have to stay with our parents. To make it fair, we traded out nights in our parents’ homes, until it was clear we may not be in our house for a lot longer than expected, so we decided to move into an apartment that my family owned. It was old, it was small, but it was ours. We had our own space, privacy, and we could really enjoy being married for the first time since our honeymoon had ended. We spent our first Christmas in that apartment.  It took a little while to adjust, but I decided that another bar exam try in February was appropriate. That turned out to be a mistake. I started having horrible back problems and to get relief I started seeing a chiropractor. Three times weekly visits were not helpful when you need to be studying. And when you already have one failure on your back and you feel like you just aren’t smart enough, anxiety sets in. I stayed sick for about three weeks before the exam. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t figure out why. I was just so sick and miserable.  And then one day it hit me like a bucket of ice cold water. I was anxious. I did everything I could to put my fears aside. Yet, in spite of everything I did or could do, I still didn’t pass. I managed to bring my score up 7 points, but not enough to cross the finish line. So close, yet, so far. It began to seem even farther out of reach.

Throughout this time of ups and downs I looked for the positive. I found a new contractor to start back to work on the house. A job that was supposed to take 5-7 weeks from the first week of March was still nowhere near completion by July. I was trying to study for the bar but I had nowhere quiet to study.  Had it been done in May as promised, I could have studied quietly in my own house. But, no. Surprise, another bar failure was in the works.  The house still wasn’t finished by fall.  September 5, 2016, we moved in anyway, because we couldn’t continue to pay bills on both places. We didn’t have a kitchen for over a month. During which time, while we were gone for a week, a rat got in our house and ate up half the food we had brought from the apartment and destroyed half the other stuff we had in boxes from our move.  It was over a year since my household shower and I still had not got to unpack all the wonderful things people had gifted us. Mom had hip replacement surgery in October 2016, and so my kitchen was barely done in time for me to cook Thanksgiving dinner, and of course the house still wasn’t complete. But there was a silver lining happening all around during this time. Although I wasn’t a licensed attorney, I still needed to file a suit against my wedding caterer for robbing me like she did and then lying to me and dodging me and trying to tell me her company was dissolved when it wasn’t. So, in order to save time and money I filed a civil action in small claims.  You can file those on your own behalf and not need legal representation, so I did. I was so scared when I went in front of that judge. So nervous. But, I had evidence, I had an argument, and I wore a suit. I represented myself like I would if I had a license.

AND I WON.

I won my first case and I wasn’t even a licensed attorney.

Yet.

I proved to myself that I could do this, and I wanted to do this. I felt so accomplished and part of me felt like I got a little closer that day.

As time went on, so did life. By February, of this year, I was frustrated. I was angry. I was hurt. I was disappointed. I was almost ready to give up on my home and on the bar exam. My house still wasn’t finished. 5-7 weeks had turned into 11 months, with no completion date in sight. My contractor disappeared after the first week of February and I decided I didn’t want him to come back. He’s probably reading this, and if he is, I’m not mad, I’m just hurt. I was so good to you, and you let me down. You made me so many promises that you didn’t keep. You lied to me when it was convenient. I paid you good money for things you didn’t do, and you know you didn’t, like finishing my trim and fixing the things that you admitted were wrong, or putting in the insulation that you told me you installed that I found hidden in the corner upstairs after I paid you, and for things you did sloppy, like my tile work. You promised me a fabulous job and you didn’t deliver. You made excuses and you cost me so much time and aggravation, and in the end, money, that you were supposed to be saving me. Do you even realize you did these things? You only worked when you wanted, a few hours a day. You worked on what you wanted. The rest of the time you spent off doing something else. You caused me to pay bills on two places with money I didn’t have. Because of your being so inconsiderate, and most of all slow when you could have worked faster, I got way in debt. You hurt my feelings more than once. You took things out on me with no reason. You fed me lines that I know weren’t true. And you didn’t care. I hope you accept your faults someday. I hope you accept that you aren’t the best there is, and most of all that you don’t treat other people as you treated me. But, I digress…

My bar exam was right around the corner again. I spent weeks and weeks, almost two months this time, doing a new program. I did somewhere around 7 practice exams and then some, which equated to around 2000 practice questions. My scores were perfect. Every exam I was ready to knock it out of the park, and I did. Every practice test I took was better than the last, all of them exceeding requirements. I had more confidence, I felt like I knew the material more than ever before, and I was ready to finish this chapter and move on.

Before the exam happened, I called my old buddy Bill whom I’d lost touch with, but I knew was a contractor now and had done good work for my friends. At one time we were really close and he had always been there when I needed him. This time would be no different. I called, he came, he looked over my house, pointed out inadequacies that I hadn’t even realized on top of the unfinished parts that were frustrating me, and we made a plan to get to work. He started fixing my problems one by one. We still have a few problems to fix, but we’re closer now than we’ve ever been, and for that I am so grateful. When I think of the time that I wasted and how I could have been done with this house over a year and a boatload of money ago, I get sick. It makes me physically ill. I wish I had called him sooner.

As always, when things are looking up, something negative happens. Three days before taking the bar exam in February of this year, my husband was in an accident in Tennessee while on a bachelor trip celebrating the upcoming marriage of a couple friends. This pretty much sealed the fate for me again, as I couldn’t get out of my mind what had almost happened to him. He came so close to leaving this earth. And in a way, the exam didn’t seem like such a big deal. After taking the bar exam in February, I obviously felt like something was off. When I got my results, I was correct. I went up two points, but was still unsuccessful, yet again. I felt like my world was collapsing. I couldn’t sleep. I was tired all the time. I had gained weight. I was a mess. It was so unlike me, and it was affecting me in ways I hadn’t even realized. Then more problems landed on me. Mom fell at the end of April, fracturing her knee in the same leg as her newly replaced hip, so she needed more care than usual, once again. While dealing with the issues at hand, I sat down determined to figure out what was wrong with my testing ability. It just didn’t make sense. My practice scores were spot on. When I did a full practice exam in my home I aced it every time. I knew the material. But when you put me in a room with 500 people, stick a bunch of distractions and a big ole larger than life clock on me, plus the weight of everything going on in my life clouding my thoughts, I just lose it.

Every. Single. Time.

I finally figured out my problem. But, how did I fix it?

I started by figuring out what I wanted and what I thought was the best goal. After learning that I could take the Tennessee exam and have my multiple choice score transferred to Kentucky, I thought maybe a change of scenery would be best, and open up a few more doors if I was able to pass and be licensed in both states. I decided to be evaluated by a psychologist to see if there was something more to my stressed out feelings during the exam. As it turned out, there was. I was evaluated by the best, who determined that I had a really high IQ, as high or higher than the average of those passing the bar exam, so therefore it wasn’t my knowledge, it was something else. After a few other tests, it was determined that I suffered from horrible test anxiety and I was also exhibiting signs of Adult ADHD. Looking back it should have been more obvious. I’m super critical of myself, as most of you know. I went from being a straight A student with less than 10 B’s EVER and one C (maybe, or maybe not even one) and being at the top of the class of scholastic endeavors to having to compete with outstanding minds in a super competitive environment and having to learn to study all over again and balance everything with family and work and all that came with it.  Every final exam period I spent at least one night in the flooring having a panic attack and sobbing while on my knees praying to God to get me through. I just hadn’t thought about it like that before. Exams freaked me out. The pressure, the competitiveness, and the potential outcomes. I couldn’t properly focus when taking them. All I could think about was failure. After pinpointing the problem, it wasn’t an easy fix, but there was indeed a way to get through it and come out on top on the other side. I applied for the Tennessee bar exam and it was probably the best experience you could ever have taking a bar exam. It is easily one of the best decisions I have ever made. Having said that, it is only fitting I give a side note and explain why.

           

I’ve known for some time now that God was looking out for me. It was hard to understand His plan at times, especially when I am the most impatient person on the planet. Really, I am, just ask my husband. It was clear to me that God was still looking out for me, but He was waiting for me to figure some things out on my own, and once I had, He was still finding ways to open doors for me. Once I figured out that Tennessee was where I was going to take the exam, I started looking for Tennessee materials. I found a book on eBay and bought it. On a whim, I messaged the seller and asked if there was any help they could offer because in their description it said they had passed with that book.  The seller was kind enough to send me his outline from Tennessee with all the Tennessee distinctions and some really helpful information. It was the one of the most helpful things I could have received and I know it was instrumental in my passage. In addition, Tennessee had three locations where I could have taken the bar – Knoxville, Nashville, and Memphis. Knoxville would have been closer, but I needed to be in my comfort zone, which most of you know is Nashville. I needed to feel at home and comfortable, and it had never occurred to me that Lexington or Louisville was neither of those for me. After picking a location I booked a room close to the bar exam test center at a bed and breakfast because I didn’t want to chance fighting traffic from a hotel farther away and being late. Then I learned my test center had been switched to downtown, so I called the bed and breakfast to see if I could cancel and book a room within walking distance.  It just seemed easier to me and safer. Although the bed and breakfast sounded nicer and had a quieter pace, I just wanted to be there on time and not have to go through a lot of trouble.  Oddly enough, the man who owned the bed and breakfast was an attorney. He assured me when I called to cancel, that he had the place for me. He insisted that his B&B was perfect for the occasion. He offered to drive me downtown every morning, pick me back up, help me with lunch, and stock his fridge with whatever foods made me happy. Plus, it was WAY cheaper. How could I say no? Well, I couldn’t. So I didn’t.

           

This was all part of God’s wondrous plan. I can’t tell you how great my stay at the Timothy Demonbreun House was. Richard Demonbreun was one of the kindest and most gracious people I have ever met. He tended to every possible need we had.  Every morning I got the most AMAZING breakfast complete with the best scrambled eggs I have ever eaten. If I wanted hot tea, I had it. Cold drinks, I had it. Filtered water and ice, I had it. He even had a beer fridge and a wine cellar if I wanted. It was so quiet that I actually slept. It had never occurred to me that without the noise of hotels and directly beside the busy highway that the light sleeper in me had been utterly miserable. It’s the first time I remember taking the bar exam that I actually slept, and soundly. I wasn’t too tired to think in the mornings. I could function and not feel like any second I was going to give out.  In the evenings, I had the pool or the in ground hot tub/spa to relax in. While I was taking my exam all day, my husband had adequate space to work in and Richard took great care of him as well, which eased my mind. Having Frank there was my good luck charm. He was so supportive and encouraging. He helped me get through it and make the best of it. He would swim in the evenings and I would read by the pool or get in for a bit with him. I was able to relax for the first time, and while amidst the taking of the bar exam! Who does that?!  

ME. I did that. And it must have worked.

Each session, I felt good. No, I felt great. The people there were so nice. I felt comfortable. I didn’t feel nervous and I actually felt like they were my people. The first day, I heard one of the proctors before we began tell another proctor about his daughter, and he actually uttered the words, “got me a snowflake on my hands.” My inner Conservative did a happy dance. I literally thought to myself, “THESE ARE MY PEOPLE!”  While you are laughing at me right now, I am totally serious. It legitimately put my mind at ease. Richard kept his promise about taking me downtown and picking me back up. I was on time, I didn’t have to pay for parking, I had everything I needed and didn’t have to worry about anything. It really was a good experience, and for the first time I actually felt like it was meant to be, and that this one experience would change my life. And it did. Every part of the experience had some hand in passing the exam and my dreams coming true. I remember Richard telling me his story that first day when I got there and thinking that it was where I was meant to be, and all part of God’s plan. Richard was a Christian and he prayed for me every day. I felt so welcome. Each day when I came back, he had told all the guests about me and they would ask how my day went and wish me luck. It was a whole house full of support and encouragement. Not one negative vibe was had. And the last day of testing, when he came to pick me up, I told him about my snowflake story. He thought that was funny, and so he and my husband devised a plan to wait for me as I exited the building that evening. They waited all day and they videoed my exit while they hid and watched me. They waited for me to get out of the building and start looking for the vehicle before Richard yelled “Hey, you! Snowflake!” He got such great joy out of that. He wanted to watch the video over and over. I can’t help but feel like me staying there and having that environment played a HUGE role in my passing. God is always in control, although some times are more obvious than others.

I left Nashville that day feeling better than I ever had about an exam but afraid to let myself count my chickens. I reflected as we headed home on all the changes I made, like an algebra equation. I had changed every single variable. Frank went with me this time, which had never happened before, and I know really helped. I had a nice play to stay with quiet and relaxing atmosphere, great food, and immense support. I was in a comfortable city – somewhere I loved and enjoyed being – definitely not the case in Lexington or Louisville. I had a smaller test room with fewer people and no distractions – none of the sea of people getting up and down and causing my mind to wander, none of those pencil people coming around to annoy me, none of the smart people sitting across from me finishing first and making me paranoid that I was going to fail because I wasn’t done, none of the people getting up and leaving and never coming back. You think I made those up but I am completely serious. Those are actual issues. I would see someone get up during the exams in the past and think, “YOU ARE WASTING TIME! THIS IS NO TIME TO GO TO THE BATHROOM! YOU NEED TO HOLD IT!” All the while I was dying to go myself. I would see someone leave 2 hours in and not come back and wonder, “Did they finish already?!?! Why am I not finished already?! Did they give up?! WHERE ARE YOU GOING SIR?! CAN I GO WITH YOU?!” And when the girl across from me would finish with half an hour (or more) left to go, I’d wonder the same thing. “Why aren’t I done? Am I stupid? I’m going to fail again, I may as well give up now.” These were my panic switches. I couldn’t focus, I would tell myself it was over, and in a sense it would be. But this last time felt different.

The fact that I turned 30 in September also scared me to death. I felt like I should have been so much farther down the road than I was. But, this is another way I am blessed. The week I turned 30, and a couple weeks before results came out, we had a conference in Berea, Kentucky at the Brushy Fork Institute. In 2016, I attended with Frank. I met a group of people that were so supportive of me when I told them about my bar failures. That week in 2016 changed me for the better and actually helped me in ways I didn’t expect. I was so excited to be coming back. It’s kind of this big amazing convention with multitudes of Appalachian leaders and people who are changing their communities in Appalachia one small project at a time. You get to meet these people, exchange ideas, hear stories of strength and accomplishment, and really feel good about life. The 2017 conference was even better than I expected. I met some ladies from Manchester, Kentucky who really changed my outlook. I saw the work they were doing and how they had transformed their town and it was awe-inspiring. Little did I know that the track I had chosen to take part in was being taught by the same couple who had given them their start at revitalization. I came away from this experience meeting some wonderful people. Inspiring people. Vaughn and Sandy Grisham were two of the sweetest most inspiring people I had ever met. I loved every second I spent in that track and I came away with so many ideas to fix my little town. And most of you reading this know I have done volunteer work in the past, but this is different. I have been looking for new ways to give back and make my home better for a long time. We are in such desperate need of help and change and I’m tired of waiting on county government to fix our problems. I’m going to step up as best I can and make things happen for this community that I love so much. Thanks to Brushy Fork I have figured out so many ways and I am working on these projects every day. They’re just slow moving. I can’t tell you though, how much Brushy Fork changed my life. It is always a wonderful and moving experience, and I will go as long as God and Brushy Fork allows me to do so.

I was in Louisville with Frank for a few days after Brushy Fork for a conference. My birthday was on Friday, September 22. Frank knew I dreaded it so bad. He wanted to make this day special for me. He called up our ride or die friends who surprised me by driving to Louisville and meeting us for dinner. Let me say, that I am blessed with friends. I have some of the best people in the world as my friends. As of late, on top of our already amazing friendship list, Frank and I have been lucky enough to spend time with a couple who are a lot like us, and have fun with, who have become our family. Dave and Britt, I can’t thank you for being there for us the last few months. You’ve been there when we needed you and it means more than I can ever express. You’ve barged in my house and ran me off the couch when I didn’t want to go anywhere, but I’m always glad I do. I hope we still have this much fun and are still as close 20 years from now. Forever, actually. And it turns out, that because of all my wonderful friends and family, turning 30 wasn’t so bad. Passing the bar didn’t hurt either. It made turning 30 a lot sweeter, like this was somehow my year.  I thought it was going to be 2015 – graduation, a wedding, bar passage – but no. It was this year – turning 30, beating the odds, passing not one but as it turned out, two bar exams, changing my community a little at a time, and getting my life back together.

It’s very surreal, my passing. Always before, I would know in my gut I failed. Even if I felt semi-ok when the bar was over, when it got within a few days of results, the feeling of failure would creep back over me like a bad storm and I would know. And I was always right. This time was just…different. I felt great. I didn’t worry. Even when the results took a week longer than normal, I was still fine. Until that morning, that is, when I got a little nervous. Sometime during the night before the morning results were released I had a dream, and it was almost calming. It occurred to me sometime after while still in my sleep that it was a dream, but even then I was thinking, “this is new.” In the past I had dreamed I failed, because I knew. This time, I dreamed that I passed, and in my dream I told my daddy I passed and we were so excited. I woke up that morning almost excited, but still so nervous. I must have refreshed my email 20 times, just silently begging for it to be over. And there it was, after a refresh.

Notice from the TN Board of Law Examiners. That was the subject line.

Was that good news? I was really afraid if wasn’t. That was NOT the subject line when people passed in Kentucky. That was the “Sorry you suck at life and you failed” subject line. But, I opened it anyway. And there were those beautiful, perfect words that I had waited so long to read. “We are pleased to inform you that you successfully completed the July 2017 Tennessee Bar Examination.”

I had passed. I had actually passed.

But had I? Was it safe? Had they made a mistake? Could I actually believe it? I started crying, sobbing really, and trying to catch my breath. I read it over and over and over. I cried harder. I was standing and all at once I felt my legs gave way as I took a step and I just collapsed into the floor on my knees.

“THANK YOU, GOD! Thank you so much!” I just kept repeating that phrase, and crying, and trying to breathe, which turned into hyperventilating, which turned into sobbing. Which turned into 5 minutes and I hadn’t called anybody!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!  SHOUT THIS NEWS TO THE WORLD.

I text my husband first because I thought he was in a meeting, but I didn’t get a response right away. I text my brother, but he already knew because he knew that scores came out and he had already checked the website and saw my name. He was typing me a congratulatory text as I sent him the news. I called dad to tell him, crying so hard I couldn’t talk and he couldn’t understand me at first. Frank still had not text me back so I called him, still crying, and finally got out the words I know he had waited so long to hear.

Y’all, bless my husband. He had so much faith in me that I didn’t even realize. He actually bought me a legal keyboard months before I passed because he never doubted that I would. He had enough faith for both of us. Anyway, I continued texting and calling people long into the night. I still couldn’t believe it and part of me was afraid to tell anyone at all. It just did not seem real that it was finally happening. And that hasn’t really changed, even after yesterday.

By mid afternoon on the day I learned I passed, I was so excited that I couldn’t stand it. I figured how to get my MBE score transferred to Kentucky. That was all I needed. Two birds with one stone. But. No matter how many times I’ve read the words I am still in shock. Even after being sworn in, I just keep waiting for the follow up call that tells me it was a mistake.

I let that thought scare me enough that I started getting paranoid the night I passed. I looked at posted statistics and talked myself into believing that I still hadn’t received an MBE score high enough to transfer to Kentucky. Statistics showed that you could pass the MBE in Tennessee without that high of a score and I just knew I was one of those people. I would have to retake this again. I just knew it. However, when I had transferred to Kentucky I also paid for something called a score advisory, which tells you whether or not you met a score for a few different jurisdictions, which would give me an idea if I had a score high enough for Kentucky standards. By the following Monday, I received the score advisory and the confirmation that I was about to be an attorney in Kentucky as well. My score was high enough, people! Who knew?! I had actually done it. I just kept reading all the words over and over trying to convince myself.

Later that day, I couldn’t help myself. I went to make my first big girl purchase and bought furniture. I didn’t know how long it would be before I had an actual office, but the urge struck me and on a spur of the moment decision I bought a few pieces of office furniture. I went looking for one piece of furniture – a hall table – and I walked out owning a small bookshelf, two rocking chairs, plus a small prestigious end or corner table and two nice chairs for my future office.  I was so excited I couldn’t stand it.

Today is Saturday. Today makes six weeks and one day since I got the news. It still hasn’t sunk in completely.  Even after being sworn in yesterday. I know some of you are probably thinking I shouldn’t be this open about what happened. It’s embarrassing. It’s painful. It’s too much information. And for some of you, it may be. But somewhere out there, there is someone whose life will be made better by this story. Somewhere out there, someone is struggling just like me, and they need to know that it’s OK. They need to know they can overcome it. They need to know they can and will achieve their dream; they just need to keep going. Giving up was never an option, no matter what.

My entire life, there have been people who have tried to hold me back, or tried to discourage me, and tried to tell me I couldn’t do something. I’ve always fought hard to prove them wrong. There were two REALLY awful and arrogant professors in law school who did everything within their power to break me. They took joy and pleasure in making my life miserable and trying to make my grade point average suffer. But I didn’t let them win. I took my anger and my hurt and I channeled it into making my dreams come true. It’s been my experience that people who have to earn things end up appreciating them more. And that’s me. And it’s also been my experience that when people feel threatened, they take out their insecurities on other unsuspecting people. I don’t want to be those people. I want to earn what I get, and show respect for all those who got me here and all those around me. I earned my law degree. I earned my license.  And, in spite of so many. I overcame all the odds to get where I am.  When people criticized me for going home so much in law school, I did it anyway. When people judged me for going to concerts when I was in law school instead of spending every waking minute in the library, I did it anyway. When people told me that I needed to stop fighting those two professors and their attitudes so hard, I did it anyway. That’s just who I am.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some outstanding and also very important professors at Chase that were more than instrumental in my career and helping me get where I am. But there were definitely those who did their part to try and hold me back. To those – William Jones and Donyetta Bailey – I say, “I won.” Today I woke up a licensed attorney. I’m glad you took joy in my misery, but all you did was light a fire in me. That wasn’t your intention, I know. But regardless, it was the outcome.  To all those struggling – with a professor, a parent, a friend, a significant other – someone who is standing in your way – someone who is holding you back – you will make it through this. If you need moral support, I am here. I will help you. You are stronger than you know, and no matter what anyone tells you, it is going to be worth it.

Trust me.

To all those who supported me, I thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I truly thank you, for every kind word, smile, encouraging speech, small gift you thought was miniscule or irrelevant, and all the support you gave me on this journey. To those who wrote letters on my behalf to Tennessee – Professor Bickers, Professor Stephens, Professor Kinsley, Dr. DeSalvo – you helped make this possible. To Professor McFarland – thank you for never giving up on me, sitting down with me time after time, listening to my grief and frustration, and convincing me not to give up. But most of all, thank you for believing in me. To Doc – you are the reason I am here. You made it happen. You helped me find my problem, and you helped me solve it. I can never repay you, but I swear to you, I will pay it forward.

To my friends and my other family – the ones who also believed in me more than I believed in myself (you know who you are), you are my cheer section. You have been #TeamJess for so long and I know that in ways this victory was sweet for you, too. Thank you, for your love, your support, and your pep talks. For every trip we went together, every Friday night dinner, every encouraging text or smile, small token of affection, you are a part of my success. I love you all, and I couldn’t have done it without you.

To my mom, my dad, and my brother, there are not enough words. You went through this journey with me my entire life. 30 years. You made me who I am. You looked after me. You supported me. You suffered with me. You watched me succeed and you watched me fail. You pushed me when I felt like I couldn’t make it. And you stood with me when others would have given up. There is no amount of words that can tell you what all of that means to me. Hopefully, I will be able to give back to you what you’ve given me. We’re a strong family, a strong team. I love you and I appreciate you enough for more than a lifetime.

To my husband, you are my rock. I love you with all of my heart and soul and I hope that I can always be there for you like you have been for me. I know this was a difficult road for you. I know it hasn’t been easy to ride this ride and watch me suffer and suffer yourself in the process, but you had an unwavering support and love system that is no short feat. I don’t know how you became so strong but you have carried me for two years without so much as a complaint or a negative word. You have never lost faith in me and I can’t tell you what that means. I couldn’t have made it without you babe, without everything you have done for me, and now, we can finally work on all those dreams of ours coming true together.  And, I can’t wait.

I heard a song on the radio a few weeks ago, and it reminded me so much of myself, and so appropriately timed for me to hear. I am definitely my father’s child.  As a closer, I am going to leave the lyrics here. I hope my story has helped you somehow, and if I can help you in any other way, I’m just a phone call or email away. Once again, this victory isn’t MINE, it is OURS. Let us relish in it.  

Jessica Lewis Baker. Esq.

Attorney at Law

            jessicalrlewis@yahoo.com

Those That Like Me Love Me

Brantley Gilbert

Oh yeah
Ain't gonna lie, I can count on both hands
My down to ride 'til the day I die friends
To get them, I'd like to think
That I'm few and far between
Guys like me, you want in an alley with ya
Up a creek, ain't a doubt I'm gonna paddle with ya
Go to bat, go to church, go to battle with ya
They can say what they want about me, but

The ones that need me got me
The ones that doubt me can't stop me
Even the ones that said forget him
You can bet they ain't forgot me
Either wanna hit me or hold me
Those that hate me don't know me
And the ones that don't trust anybody trust me
Yeah, the ones that like me love me

Speak my mind, don't mind who's listenin'
I'll ask forgiveness, 'fore I ask permission
Least with me you know what you're gettin'
You may not get a thing about me, but

The ones that need me got me
The ones that doubt me can't stop me
Even the ones that said forget him
You can bet they ain't forgot me
Either wanna hit me or hold me
Those that hate me don't know me
And the ones that don't trust anybody trust me
Yeah, the ones that like me love me

Yeah, they love me

And I ain't perfect, I'm a simple man
I got a sinner's mind, but I can fold my hands
I ain't afraid to pray and I do know who I am, yeah

And the ones that need me got me
Ones that doubt me can't stop me
Even the ones that said forget him
Bet your ass they ain't forgot me
Either wanna hit me or hold me
Those that hate me don't know me
And the ones that don't trust anybody trust me
Yeah, the ones that like me love me

The ones that like me love me

And if you don't
Probably a pretty good chance I don't like you either