After the Fire is Gone

"There's nothin' cold as ashes, after the fire is gone..."
                             -- Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty 

One year ago today on June 3rd, I awoke at 7 a.m. like normal to get ready for work. I dreaded it. The third of the month on a Friday, working the busiest branch we had, Hurts Creek. The first thing I did was check my phone, like I had every day for the past two weeks, hoping I’d have a message from my boyfriend. And I actually did, but it was on Facebook, and my phone wouldn’t let me read it. So I grabbed my laptop and couldn’t wait to see what he’d said.  

He was still my boyfriend until we officially ended it. We were just having a rough patch. We’d been apart for so long while I was in school and had some bad days, but I was home now. The past couple weeks we’d barely spoken, but I just knew before I read that message that he had thought about it and realized how we were meant to be together.

But that’s not what he’d done at all.

Instead, he had let me wake up to a broken heart. The very first thing I saw that morning was a message from him ending our nearly 3 year relationship. It was the most devastating day of my life. When I read that message, I literally felt my heart breaking into a million pieces, and I screamed in agony. It was a loud enough scream to wake my parents, who thought I was being murdered I imagine. At least until they came running into my room where they found me in front of the computer, crying so hard I couldn’t breathe.

I don’t have to tell you their reaction if you know them, although it would make this story a little more humorous.

I couldn’t go to work that day, I had to call in, for only the second time in 3 years. I literally lay in bed all day. I just cried, continuously, until my eyes were swollen and hurting. I don’t think I even showered. I hope I did, but that’s something I just don’t remember. I do remember not eating all day except picking at the turtle bowl sundae Tracy brought me when she came to check on me and give me her best pep talk. It was a very nice gesture, but at the time, a useless one. I was going through my first heartbreak, probably about 7 or 8 years behind everyone else, which is why it hit me so hard, like a ton of bricks.

The days that followed were just as miserable – sleepless nights, no appetite, weight loss, depression, anxiety, etc. It took me about 2 good months to not be miserable. By the time the day of what would have been our anniversary rolled around, I was pretty much OK. But that first month was rough. I ain’t gonna lie – it hurt. It hurt real bad.

But here’s the good news…

Today, a year later, I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I am stronger, more intelligent, more myself, and most of all, worth more to the next lucky man in my life.  I have lived more in the last year than I ever have, and enjoyed every second. I have discovered more about myself, who I am, and what I want out of life more than I ever thought possible.

This summer I will enjoy life even more. In August, I will start an entirely new journey with law school. I will continue to be my own person – a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman – and a role model for all women. Be who you are, be yourself, work hard, enjoy life, and never have to depend on anybody but yourself. Because really, that’s all you can depend on in life. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have so many AMAZING friends, more than what should be allowed, and some really AWESOME family, too. I couldn’t make it without them. I had them all along and it took a crisis in my life to discover how lucky and blessed I was and how I had taken so many people for granted.  But no more of that, my friends and family will ALWAYS come first in my life. Always.

Now, I could sit here and deliver at least 1,000 different inspirational quotes. But here is what you need to know. A very wise person once told me that happiness comes from within, and they were right. Until you are happy with yourself, nobody else can make you happy. And even then, they can only add to your happiness. With that said, nobody can be completely happy with themselves, I’m not, and don’t expect to be. That’s like trying to be perfect, no one is. I still have a few pounds to lose, some muscle to build, learning how to control my temper and I’m sure if I think about it there are some other imperfections I’d like to change.

The trick is to find things about yourself you like, things that make you happy about who you are. I may not be a supermodel, but I’m by no means the worst looking girl around. I’m not fake; what you see is what you get. I’m the same with everybody everywhere I go. I’m a people person. I love kids. I’m smart. I can be funny.  I go out of my way to help people. I love me, I have no reason not to, plain and simple.

Now, don’t take that the wrong way. In no way am I trying to sound self-centered or conceited. If you know me, you know that I can be pretty down on myself, mostly because I’ve always had low self-esteem. But there comes a time in your life where you have to ‘get busy living or get busy dying’ as Morgan Freeman said in Shawshank Redemption.  That point for me came about two months after my heartbreak. It’s taken a year for me to really love myself and be happy with myself, but buddy I’m there, and it’s great.

I live my life in a way that pleases me, and no one else, although I do like making others happy and go out of my way to do so sometimes. I answer to no one, I do what I want, whatever makes me happy, and it’s only gonna get better. I’m making sure of that. The past year has brought a lot of ups and downs, sickness and death, etc to my life. Those things have also impacted me and my outlook on life, but mostly it was being at the low point that I was at a year ago.

Looking back, the heartbreak I went through was the best thing that ever happened to me. Honestly. I have always heard those old clichés like ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ and ‘time heals all wounds’ but they never rang true until then. I can truthfully say that today I am stronger, happier, and better off than I was a year ago. I hope my ex is all those things, too. Some things just aren’t meant to be.

But then again, some things are, and what is meant to be will happen regardless. I know I have a great life ahead. The reason I know, is because I will make it great, one way or another. We only get one life; we have to make it count. Don’t spend it miserable. Love yourself first, and everything else will fall into place.