Oh, Happy Day!.....NOT

SO. As most of you know, I took my LSAT for the second time yesterday. And I'm sure you all saw my post on Facebook about how awful it was. And some of you even commented on it to tell me how much faith you had in me and how well I probably did. And while I do appreciate that ever so much, and it warms my heart that I have such wonderful friends, I must now explain a few things about my day, why I think I did so horrible, and some other notes about my potential in law school.

My day started out pretty well. As most of you know, I spent the night with one of my best friends in this world Courtney (Tennill) Kleppinger. She lives a mile or so from UK where I went to take the LSAT. She took time out of her own day, to get up and make me made-from-scratch pancakes, and then take me and drop me off so that I wouldn't have to be lost on the campus or park in a paid lot.

Two problems.

1.) They listed the wrong address on my LSAT admission ticket. So even Courtney who goes to UK everyday got lost. We barely made it to the building on time, by the grace of God I might add, since the only place we were able to find the building was on Courtney's UK map, and it only loaded so fast on her phone because we just happened to be in front of the hospital where her phone recognized Wi-Fi.

2.) As I am walking toward the door, I realize, I have no driver's license and I turn to see Courtney turning left and driving away.

My first thought, I admit, was "SHIT!" It suddenly dawned on me and I had a flashback from my first LSAT experience where they told my classroom of semi-eager test takers that they had turned away a gentlemen who had forgotten his 'valid ID'. My second thought was, "That's gonna be me. Thousands of dollars in tutoring and expenses and I am the dumbass who forgot to bring their driver's license." Then I realized....Oh wait, I didn't drive. A valid excuse. But not good enough I knew.

I race into the building to the moderator and ask for a telephone, which is actually problem #3. We aren't allowed to have cell phones and why would I need one when I have a taxi? So this bitchy lady dialed the only number I could remember on her phone. She wouldn't let me dial it, which I thought was retarded. But guess what, that wasn't Courtney's number. I had actually forgotten a number. What was happening to me? She's had the same number for like ever, and I guess my phone had been dialing it instead of me, so..I forgot it. I did remember her house number, so I asked to call her house. My phone was on silent and would have done me no good at this point. The woman yet again, dialed the number for me as if I was incapable. Courtney's dad answered and I blurt out my problem. He told me her cell number, so I call and amazingly she answers. THANK GOD!

Now, here is the next problem. She's lost trying to get home. She wouldn't tell me that, but she didn't have to. I know Courtney, and I read it in her voice. I was playing with MINUTES. And Courtney was about to pass out from stress. I told her what was going on, and again with help from God, the only possible explanation, Courtney was able to make it back to her house and back to the building in time for me to be admitted. I was 'late' but I was admitted. But I was a mess. I couldn't breathe from all the running and racing to make it back to the building. I had been crying because I thought it was all over. I was nervous as hell because of all that had happened and shaking all over. And this is how I must begin the most important test of my career. I tried to remain calm. I tried to focus. But, my pep talk to myself didn't really do a whole lot of good.

So, they call the first section of the test. Automatically it is the arguments section. I had been trained for this. But my adrenaline is still pumping and my mind is running away with me. I'm still in panic mode. I tried to pace myself and do as I'd been taught by my wonderful tutor. But my mind was playing tricks on me. I couldn't focus. I was having to read each question two and three times. Time started running out...and I was screwed.

They call the second section. The games. I had spent hours on this. I did the first one. I think I did well on it. And then, the rest I looked at, didn't look anything like what I had been trained in. I tried to do a couple more. And I just failed. This really blew my self esteem. I just gave up pretty much.

They called the third section. Arguments, again. I tried to move faster and focus better, not have to read the questions as many times, answer more questions. But, still didn't do very well. I could feel it. Panic.

So, break time. I get 15 minutes to collect my thoughts, and talk myself into doing better. I say to my self, "Self, you got this. Don't let yourself fall victim to a little stress. You can do this. Focus. Read. Breathe. Just do it."

They call section four. More arguments. And my mind goes, "What the hell? Last time I had two arguments and two games..." Now, for all you confused folks, let me give you some background on the LSAT. There are 4 scored sections and an 'experimental' section. The experimental section can be a duplicate of either of the other sections, but the four scored sections HAVE to be two arguments, one games, and one reading comprehension.  It dawned on me I had spent like 10 hours of tutoring on games and 3 hours on arguments, for ONE freaking games section. Seriously? Can this day get ANY worse?

Wrong question to ask myself. Cause it did. The fifth and final multiple choice section, was reading comprehension. And, it was hard. No passage was understandable. It was like I was reading Spanish. And I can't read Spanish, just like I couldn't read and comprehend and understand what those passages were talking about. All I could think about was how bad I was going to do. I practically gave up in my mind, but I still tried to answer the questions. None of them made sense. But I still tried. I didn't give up.

And then, the final section. The 35 minute writing prompt. I did better on that, if nothing else. That's the only positive. However, that isn't even part of my score. That's just punishment. But I finished.

On the way out of the building, my mind starts going into depression mode. I lost focus again, just trying to find my way out of the building. I got lost and went out every door except the one I came in. I finally found it, and thank God I was wearing bright blue colors and Courtney could spot me because she had to chase me down. I was in such a horrid shape, that I couldn't even find my way back out of the building. And I have an amazing sense of direction. Ask Courtney, I was able to find a restaurant on the outskirts of Lexington on Friday, that I had only been to ONCE and two years ago.

If Courtney and her husband, Jonathan, whom she brought back as insurance that we would not get lost on the way home, will tell you the truth, they will tell you, that had they not known me and my personality, they would probably have thought I was on hard drugs when I came out of the test. I was a mess. I called my tutor and left a voicemail that sounded something like a rant from someone with Delirium Tremens.  I called my family, but nobody answered. I texted my brother and told him I failed. He was a little more supportive and tried to keep me positive.

Courtney and I had planned to go somewhere after the test. But I was in no shape to drive. That was a first. I told her that, too. I said, "Court, can you drive? I can't. I really don't think I am safe to be behind the wheel of a car." So, she was eager to make me feel better. We got in her car, and headed toward Hamburg. I called my mom, no answer. I called my dad, he did answer. I wish he hadn't. The one person I needed to tell me that it was OK, did not tell me it was OK. I went through another somewhat drunken sounding rant, talking 10 times faster than normal as if I had just snorted an Oxy. And his response was, "Well, you never listen. We all told you that it was gonna be harder and you couldn't do what you're doing and pass but you know everything...." and he basically gave me a lecture. I just started crying profusely. Courtney was heartbroken for me. I just hung up the phone. I couldn't believe it. I needed my dad, and he gave me an "I told you so." I wanted to throw myself in front of a bus. But I couldn't, Courtney was driving. So, I just sat there and cried.

Courtney found me some tissues and tried to give me her best pep talk. It worked for a while. She always makes me laugh and gives me something to smile about.  She told me, "Jessica, you don't have anything to be sad about. You GOT IN to the test, when really, you almost didn't make it. You took the test. You prepared for it. You did all you can do. You have nothing to feel bad about today." She drove us to Outback where I drowned my sorrows in bread and butter and steak. I finally started getting some color back in my face. I had brought some things to return across the street at Victoria's Secret and Kohl's. We had decided to watch a movie to take my mind off things. I found some Wildcat stuff on sale at Wildcat Warehouse, too. That made my day better. A sweatshirt, a tee shirt, and a bracelet for 26 bucks. Not a bad purchase. Then the best part, I found 3 pairs of boots at Kohl's for $39. I love Clearance. And I know you ALL are thinking, "she has 90 pairs of shoes." Well, you are correct. But as depressed as I was, that was the only thing that had a remote chance of making me feel better. Shoe shopping at bargain prices does wonders for me. Plus, my tutor, Clarissa, called me back and gave me a pep talk too. She's been really great, and she made my day better.

We went to the movies to load up on calories and diet pop. We chose The Vow, a good chick flick. Or, so we thought. I was crying within the first 15 minutes. Again contemplating the bus idea. Why am I torturing myself? Lord. Have. Mercy. It ended on a better note but still not as I'd liked. Then I saw it was a true story. Damn, maybe life wasn't so bad after all. It could be worse, I could wake up and have lost 5 years of my life. Oh, wait. Maybe that was a good idea.

Anyhow, we came out of the movie, it was dark, cold, and snowing. I knew it was time to head out. I had drove her crazy enough. I needed to drive, think, and crank some music. That was normally how I dealt with things. On the way home I saw this place called Orange Leaf, some yogurt joint everybody had been talking about.  I mentioned it, and Court realized I'd never been there, so we dumped a bowl of yogurt onto Nachos, popcorn and a river of diet pop. I felt froggy, obviously, so I dumped into my bowl...brownie batter and birthday cake yogurt, with Butterfinger pieces and cookie dough. YUM. We sat there and ate the whole bowl. And watched some strange couple with a TINY girl who looked 12, if that old, and a boy who looked about 16.

It. Was. Odd.  But highly entertaining. Courtney and I are too much alike. We enjoy the smallest things, like people watching and exchanging looks of laughter and agreement.

I get back to her house, get my stuff, and get on the road. She gives me one last pep talk. The best yet. And some Dove caramel chocolates for the road. I love her. And I would love to live behind her in her guest house and see her everyday, making Pinterest recipes and walking to school together. But I realize, that dream is probably far away if my LSAT scores are as bad as I think.

I start out driving, jamming some random playlist on m iPod, trying to sort through the day in my mind and some of the things that Courtney had said that had made sense. I try to form some sort of a plan, but it is of course, too early to form one for sure. Something Court did say was that if I am meant to be a lawyer, I will be one. So, I just have to wait it out. I don't know that I will get into UK as I'd hoped, but there are other schools. I don't know that I can put myself through the torture of another standardized test, as one of the thoughts running through my mind is the possibility that maybe I just don't test well in those circumstances, but who knows.

The point is, I survived it, not once but twice. I gave it everything I had under the stress of a full time job and family issues. I did all that I can do. Will it be good enough for UK? I doubt it. Is it good enough for me? Yep. And I'm the only one that matters. It's my future, and I know I will make it happen, regardless of my parents or my friends or some panel of teachers that think I'm stupid because I don't give a rat's ass about how many dresses hang on what hanger in Sally's closet (one of my games questions). I am intelligent, I am a thinker, and I am a long way from letting a stupid test score define my future. It's mine and only I can define me.

But I do owe Courtney. She saved my life yesterday. And she never lets me down. If you read this Court, thank you, and I love you. You are my hero. Now, time to get my life back in order. Thanks for reading!

Inspirational song for this post:

Even If It Breaks Your Heart

Way back on the radio dial,
the fire got lit inside a bright-eyed child.
Every note just wrapped around his soul,
from steel guitars to Memphis, all the way to rock and roll.

Ohhh, I can hear em playin'.
I can hear the ringin' of a beat up ol' guitar.
Ohhh, I can hear em singin',
"Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart."

Downtown is where I used to wander.
Old enough to get there but too young to get inside.
So I would stand out on the sidewalk,
listen to the music playin' every Friday night.

Ohhh, I can hear em playin'.
I can hear the ringin' of a beat up ol' guitar.
Ohhh, I can hear em singin',
"Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart."

Some dreams stay with you forever,
drag you around but bring you back to where you were.
Some dreams keep on gettin' better,
gotta keep believin' if you wanna know for sure.

Ohhh, I can hear em playin'.
I can hear the ringin' of a beat up ol' guitar.
Ohhh, I can hear em singin',
"Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart."

Ohhh, I can hear em playin'.
I can hear the ringin' of a beat up ol' guitar.
Ohhh, I can hear em singin',
"Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart."

Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart.

Ohhh oh oh.
Ohhh oh ohh.

Keep on dreamin'.