Don't Worry, Be Happy

Everybody starts out in this world the same way, naked and cold. Some of us have it better than others at birth, however. Some of us go home to loving parents, some aren’t so lucky. Some go home to a wealthy family, some aren’t as fortunate. Either way, we all begin the same – helpless. We learn to talk, to walk, to feed and clothe ourselves, what’s right, what’s wrong, and eventually, how to survive on our own. We are constantly learning things, continuously taking in bits and pieces of knowledge that form some sort of thought process in our minds. We learn how to adapt to new surroundings, how to provide for ourselves and whomever else we must provide for. And at some point, if we are lucky, we start the cycle over again. We have our own children, who must learn everything anew, just as we have. Some things, however, can’t be learned in a day, a week, a month, a year, even ten years. Some things we must continually learn, even up until we take our last breath. And some things, we never really understand. All we can do is accept them.

The sad thing about life, is that it ends. Saturday, I lost my Great Uncle Oaf Lee. He was an odd character, somebody you dreaded seeing coming at times because of his outlandish tales and thoughts, but somebody you could always count on. If he loved you, he would do anything for you, and even if he didn’t love you, or even like you, he’d still help you if he could. He came from the old school. He was born poor and did his best to not die that way. He lived for his children, his brothers and sisters, and his nieces and nephews. He thought there was nothing like a Toyota truck, and a fine cup of coffee. He told me how the best cup of coffee was made once, and now I’m sad that I can’t remember.  He called me, “the old lady from Muncy’s Creek” my entire life. I hated that nickname. I thought it was the most annoying thing I’d ever been called. Until Saturday, when I realized I’d never hear him call me that again. And I realized, he was somebody else I’d taken for granted. He was somebody else I didn’t appreciate until it was too late. And I asked myself why do I do that? Why do I always let people I love slip away from me when I could be doing more and enjoying them more and making better use of the time I have with them while they are here. This time, I'm going to try and learn from that mistake. But for now, rest in peace Uncle Oaf.  I love you, and I will miss you.

After he passed Saturday, I went on a trip with my dad and my brother through West Liberty. Traffic was moving slow as it was mostly onlookers surveying the damage from their cars. All I could do was cry. On top of losing somebody else I loved, I witnessed the aftermath of the death of an entire town. How awful it was to see what was left and how everything had been taken from those people. An old lady was sweeping off her porch routinely, even though the tree in her front yard had been uprooted and thrown across her sidewalk, the windows of her home had been boarded up, and part of her roof was missing. She seemed to be searching for the one piece of normalcy she could find.  The Mason Lodge building was roofless, what was left caved in as we drove by. Part of the First Baptist Church was gone, and so many other buildings I noticed. Although some escaped with minor damage that was barely even noticeable, for the most part, the buildings were either gone, or would have to be torn down. The people around were working like little bees to repair what they could. My heart ached for them. I couldn’t imagine being there and living through that. What it must have felt like not knowing whether you would live through it. Whether you’d attended your last Sunday Service, whether you’d seen your family for the last time. 

This made me think about my own life. I got my LSAT scores back again, and they sucked, AGAIN. The first time I got a 143. I needed at LEAST a 150 to get into UK, but more than that I imagine. The second time, even though I was well prepared, I dealt with so much that I was unable to bounce back from the stresses I was under and only pulled a 142. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I couldn’t even post it on Facebook until a week had passed. But looking at those people, who had survived a natural disaster, I felt pretty bad for whining about my LSAT score. What I had went through that morning was NOTHING compared to what these people had went through. Some lost their homes, some lost their family, and some lost their lives. And I thought about how lucky I was, to have a job, a family, and friends. Why am I in such a hurry? What good is it going to do me? I have never made a good decision in a hurry. Now, granted, I have made spontaneous decisions that turned out good, which I will argue is different than a decision made in a hurry. But when I get in a hurry, nothing ever turns out like I plan, or want it to.

The last few weeks I’ve been re-evaluating my life, trying to figure out what will make me happy and what’s important to me. So far I’ve decided that life is too short to put important things off, like Church. I’ve been going, trying to gain a better understanding of something that I’ve always avoided. I guess that started when Billy’s dad got sick. I realized that it could just have easily been my dad, and I needed to start living better, not just for myself, but for those around me. Life has been throwing curves for a lot of people I love lately. Not just my great uncle, nor Billy’s dad and family, but my boss and one of the sweetest people to ever walk the earth, Marie Garrison, is also suffering hardships health wise.  It seems that every time I turn around, something is happening. I’m losing somebody, somebody is sick, or something bad is happening to somebody I care about or in the World in general. But, I’ve come to realize, that it isn’t new. It’s been happening my whole life, and I’m just now noticing it. 

I don’t know that I will be make it to be a lawyer. Writing seems to be one of the few things I really love, and something that has always been a huge part of my life. I wonder sometimes if I’m just pursuing the safe route going towards law, a profession with somewhat of a guarantee, as opposed to what would make me happy, and what I would call the road less traveled. I don’t know anything for certain anymore, except that there is no certainty.  I could walk out of my house tomorrow and not live to walk back in. In life there really are no guarantees. When you’re 16 and you know it all and you’re in the “let’s have a good time” mode, you don’t stop to think of the consequences. When you’re 21, you’re old enough to know better, but still too young to care. I just turned 24, and realized that life was happening all around me and I was completely oblivious. There are things in my life that I want to accomplish, and there are things I want to experience that I haven’t yet, like seeing the beach and Savanna, GA.  I’d like to take a road trip to California, see Maine in the fall, go on a cruise, get married and have a family.  However, the most important thing in my life that I want to accomplish, is happiness. I want to be happy with myself, inside and out.  I want to like who I am and be satisfied that I lived the way I wanted to live. If I don’t make it as a lawyer and I end up working at the bank forever, as long as I am happy with my life, it won’t matter to me.  If I never have a million dollars in the bank and I live from paycheck to paycheck forever, then so be it, as long as I am happy. Life is too short to be unhappy and miserable. I have been dissatisfied with myself for far too long. So, I’m going to work on me, and fix what I don’t like, before I start on a career. After all, you have to crawl before you can walk, correct? I’m going to enjoy life, enjoy those I love, and be happy. I’m going to look for the happy in every situation and take the bad as it comes. 

One of the things that makes me the happiest is spending time at Heather and Billy’s and playing with Gage and Holden. I love kids, and those two I am particularly attached to.  When Holden says “Jessco,” because he can’t say my name, I want to squeeze his little face. And when Gage gives me a big hug and a kiss and tells me he loves me, I want to cry. Holden will climb over me 100 times and pull my hair and laugh and cuddle up under my arm on the couch to watch TV. Gage will show me how high he can jump and all his cool toys.  I watch them with Heather and Billy, and I want that. Someday, I want to be a mom. I want to kiss away boo-boos and be somebody’s safe place. I want to rewind monster trucks 17 times in an hour if that’s what makes he/she happy. I want to have a picture on my fridge that they drew for me. I may not be ready for that this year, or next year, or in 5 years, but someday. I want to be to somebody else what my parents were to me. And part of me wants to know that I have left something great behind when I’m gone.  So, from now on, what makes me happiest is what I will do. I’ll figure out my life in due time and it will fall into place, I am certain. I will do all the things I want, one day at a time. Patience is a virtue, after all, or so I’m told. I’m not gonna worry about it. Worrying gives you wrinkles, and it causes misery if you don’t do anything else but that. Things you can’t control you can’t worry about, you have to let them work out on their own.  Whether I end up being a successful lawyer, or a regular working mom, or a combination of such things, I will be happy.

Lastly, I advise all of you to find your happiness as well. Life is just too short not to. Tell someone you love them before it’s too late, forgive somebody you’ve held a grudge at, make peace with yourself and anyone else you need to. Love yourself, love others, and spend the rest of your life being as happy as you possibly can. Time will run out. If you live to be 100, it’s still not long enough. Don’t take life or the people in your life for granted, one day you may wake up and they will be gone. One day a storm can pass through your town and change everything you know, forever. Just remember what’s important to you, and who’s important to you. Make sure the people around you know how much they mean to you. There are no guarantees. Be grateful for what you have, and thank the Lord for it. Love more, live more, and pray more. I know I’m certainly going to. Family is important, friends are important, and they need to know that they are. Show them you appreciate them. Remind them you care. But most importantly, be happy. I know I don’t have it all figured out, and I don’t claim to, but I’ve learned from what I’ve seen unfold in a short time. Morgan Freeman said it best in The Shawshank Redemption, “Either get busy living, or get busy dying.” We all need to get busy living.     

Tim McGraw recently came out with a song that holds a lot of meaning to myself, and a few others I know. I want to post the lyrics here, because they do say so much, and maybe you can relate as well.

Better Than I Used to Be

I know how to hold a grudge,
I can send a bridge up in smoke.
And I can't count the people I've let down, the hearts I've broke.
You ain't gotta dig too deep,
If you wanna find some dirt on me.
But I'm learning who you've been,
Ain't who you've got to be.
It's gonna be an uphill climb,
Aww honey I won't lie.

I ain't no angel.
I still got a still few more dances with the Devil.
I’m cleanin up my act, little by little,
I’m getting there.
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see.
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get,
But I’m better than I used to be.

I’ve pinned a lot of demons to the ground,
Got a few old habits left.
But there’s still one or two, I might need you to help me get.
Standing in the rain so long has left me with a little rust.
But put some faith in me and someday you’ll see,
There’s a diamond under all this dust.

I ain't no angel.
I still got a still few more dances with the Devil.
I’m cleanin up my act, little by little,
I’m getting there.
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see.
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get,
But I’m better than I used to be.

I ain't no angel.
I still got a still few more dances, with the Devil.
But I’m cleanin up my act, little by little,
I’m getting there.
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see.
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get,
But I’m better than I used to be.


P.S. Thanks for reading!