I Don't Know About You...But I'm Feeling 32...

As much as I loathe Taylor Swift in every form and fashion, I kinda had to steal that title from her. I know it’s actually 22, but I ain’t felt 22 since I was about 12. Right now I have the back of a 62 year old, I don’t sleep, and I tend to eat Ibuprofen and melatonin like candy. Life can be a pain in the ass.

If you look in my high school yearbook, or one of those Jostens Scrapbook things from Senior year (Yes, I’m that Old…), I’m pretty sure there is a section about what you’ll be doing 5 years from now and 10 years from now, and so on. I distinctly remember that where I am now was not part of that plan. I think I had planned to have a home and a family and be stable in my career by 25.

Let’s all laugh together.

When I was 25, I was just starting law school. I had taken a while to decide what I wanted to do with my life. And truthfully, my life has always been a bit of a sideways endeavor. By that I mean, it’s never played out like I thought or hoped it would at the time. When I was in law school, I never, ever, ever planned on doing work for the DPA. Yet, here I am, in all my glory, a public defender. I guess the old adage about “If you wanna hear God laugh, just make a plan,” is true after all. Where I am is not at all where I thought I’d be.

I thought by this age, I’d have a couple kids, a steady career, and a husband who adores me. Turns out, I’m divorced, men tend to run from me, my career may be steady, but it rocks like a boat in a hurricane most days, and I have no children, the one thing I wanted most in the world. Instead, I am the proud mother of a German Shepherd and a Basset Hound. Both of which are moody, clumsy, and full of personality – just like me.  They keep me entertained so I guess that’s enough right now. But who knows what the future has in store. Only God knows that.

Anywho, I thought that I would celebrate my big 3-2 by looking back on my 32 years. I mean, it’s not that spectacular. I lead a pretty boring life, but I’d like to think that I’ve accomplished a few things worth talking about.

Maybe, maybe not. You can be the judge of that.

When I turned 30, I was in a completely different place in life. I had a husband, I was days away from finding out that I had passed the bar exam with a new career ahead. I had a beautiful home (which took YEARS to finish, and I still wasn’t done) that I had picked out and remodeled every inch of, perfecting every tiny thing to suit my taste. I had great friends, I had a great family, and it looked like the future was getting brighter by the day. But, I knew something was missing. From the outside looking in, you’d never seen two happier people. But, I knew I wasn’t happy. I was going through the motions. I was forcing something that would never be right. I was putting on a face. Which, sadly, I had become talented at doing.

Frank and I were two different people. We had few to no common interests. We liked movies, and we liked to eat. It was a constant battle to find a compromise, which usually ended with one of us just going along for the other and forcing happiness. Neither wanted to admit it, but we made a mistake. We let the fan club and the need to be with somebody overshadow what we really needed – to be with someone who understood the other and accepted that person for who they were, without the constant need to try to change them – which had essentially been what we had become.

Sometimes, things just aren’t meant to be. And it wasn’t fair to continue lying to myself anymore. I’d been unhappy for a while and it was time to just be the people we were, without judgment, ridicule, or fighting to be different.

The problem with that for me, unfortunately, was I didn’t know who the hell I was.

Go figure.

For 30 years, I had been a puppet. Anybody could be the master – if you had a task for me, I aimed to please.

I. Never. Said. No.

Work shifts, volunteer boards, community events, bridal showers, weddings, baby showers, concerts, fundraisers, etc. – whatever you needed from me, whoever or whatever you needed me to be – I was on board. If you needed me to make 6 casseroles by tomorrow morning, I was your girl. If you needed me to work your shift – I got you. If you needed me to plan your party and spend a fortune even though you didn’t even show up and I lost a fortune – it was cool, no worries. As my dad would (not so) lovingly say, I rode every bus that stopped. And I needed that acceptance. I needed to be needed. I had conditioned myself to be what was needed, what was loved, what was celebrated. I worried about my reputation. I worried about everything. I was that person who constantly asked myself “what would people think?’ or “what would people say?” I was paranoid that if I said ‘no’ that Heaven forbid, nobody would love me anymore. I was becoming exhausted, and way too old before my time.

Now, having said that, I will tell you that I still ask those questions, and I still worry. But, I worry a lot less. And do you know why? Because I am comfortable with who I am. For the first time in my life, I know exactly who I am.

Who am I? I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED THAT. Let me continue.

When I was in law school, I really should have done less coming home and more studying. Instead, I put the people I loved, the people who were important to me, before myself. I didn’t do as well as I could have because I kept up that idea that I had to say Yes. I had to be there for everything and everyone. I couldn’t live with myself if I thought I disappointed someone. I traveled home between final exams for funerals. I would fill every weekend with birthday parties or weddings or community and church events and I never slowed down.

By the second year, it was catching up with me. I had to have an emergency appendectomy. I took about 4 days of recovery time. I was back to school on Monday. By the third year, my gallbladder was on its last legs and less than a month before my law school graduation, I had to have surgery to remove it as well. Yet, I never really quit. That is one thing I have never known how to do – give up, on anything or anyone. People almost always end up giving up on me before I give up on them.

So fast forward two years after graduation, when I finally pass not one, but two, bar exams, and finally feel like I’ve accomplished something with my life, shortly after, I began to feel like a complete failure. There I was, doing the one thing I said I’d never do – getting divorced. I was gonna be a “one and done” kinda gal. Yet, again, I say, “if you wanna hear God laugh, just make a plan.” I was shunned by people I thought loved me. Whom I thought would support me and be there and be my friend no matter what. In times of trials and trouble, you learn who your friends are. I had to pick myself up for the most part. My own mother didn’t even support me. That was one of the toughest times of my life, and I became a stronger person because of it. This is where I started learning who I was.

First and foremost, I learned that sometimes, you have to put yourself first. You have to do what you feel is best for you, and what makes you happy, because life is too short and happiness is too rare. For the first time in my life, I did something completely for me, no one else. I needed to figure out who I was, what I liked, what I wanted out of life, without trying to please someone else, or 20 other people for that matter.

In order to do this, I had to find some solitude. I had to find some place to go that was mine. I bought a little camper on Norris Lake and didn’t tell anybody. I would escape there on the weekends and disappear, just hoping for a bit of relief. Somewhere I could be at peace, because peace was something I had been missing in my life. I realized I had spent so much time pleasing other people, doing what I was told, or what I thought would make someone else happy, that I had completely lost focus on what made me happy. I ended up becoming part of a family there on the lake, spending time with people who liked me for who I was, even though I was still figuring that out. Even something as simple as figuring out if I liked the lake and the water – I figured out that I loved it. I found this whole other life and this whole group of people that helped put my broken pieces back together, and for that I will forever be grateful.

Here is something else I learned about myself – I like tattoos. No, I LOVE them. I have 8 now. In just over a year, I have accumulated all 8. And… I have a list of at least 5 more (Sorry Mother and Aunt Robin, but I know you still love me!) Do you know why I love them? Because I can tell a story with them. I can live out my journey with them. I can remind myself every day what I’ve been through and how strong I am, just in case I forget. One of my most favorites is my largest tattoo, a phoenix, with the words “still I rise.” I’m a huge fan of this story, the myth that the Phoenix rises from the ashes more beautiful than before. I identify with this so much because I have risen from the ashes. I have walked through the fire to be what I am now. I have sacrificed bits of my soul to be the person I am today. And I am so proud of me.

Something else I learned about me – I like the taste of beer. And I like bars. And that doesn’t make me a bad person. I like Pat’s Snack Bar.  I like to support my friends when they play music. I like to have a beer on a hot day at the lake while I’m floating around. I also like Bourbon – as any true Kentuckian – and this also doesn’t make me a bad person. It means I like the taste of something. It means I get enjoyment from atmosphere and from social drinking. I am not a drunkard, I am not an alcoholic, and I am not addicted to anything. Except maybe Diet Mountain Dew and Bang Energy drinks, but that’s another story.  

Here is the most important thing I learned – I don’t have to change who I am to please anyone. The right people will love who I am, regardless. I am a great person, but am I going to take the time to explain why, or try to prove that to anyone? No. If you know me, then you know my character, you know who I am, and hopefully, you know my worth. If you know me, and you don’t know any of those things, then that’s not my problem. If you don’t know me, and you judge me based on the opinions or gossip of others, then that is also not my problem. But the people who know me, they know who I am, they know what I bring to the table, and they love me for it.

There’s a random meme on Facebook that says something like “someone who has known you 3 months can have better intentions for you than someone you’ve known 3 years.” That’s the truth. You know who I spend most of my time with Monday through Friday? People in my office and some of the staff and the staff in court security at the Perry County courthouse. They have known me at best a year, some less than 5 months. But you know what, they are my family. They know who I am. They do their best to love me and to protect me and pick me up when I’m down. And I have no doubts that any of them would help me if I needed it. They already do. They feed me, make me laugh, and they cheer me up when I have tears in my eyes. They leave notes on my car or hide notes in my dockets. That’s the best I can expect from anyone, to want what’s best for me and to help me through my bad days without expecting anything in return.  And for that, I am both blessed and grateful.

I still haven’t really got to who I am, which I have figured out over the past couple years. But let me tell you, I am something else. Besides being an awesome person with a huge heart that does anything and everything I can to be loyal to and take care of the people important to me (and even those not so important to me):

I. Am. A. Hot. Southern. Mess.

And I’m not talking about my looks. Nope. I am talking about my glowing personality, my quirks, the things that make me tick. I forget to eat. I forget to breathe sometimes. I’m late every day of my life.

Every. Single. Day.

For anything. Everything. I am literally never on time. People who know me know this about me and they adjust accordingly. I thought it was a phase but, no, this is apparently just who I am as a person. But the weird thing is, even though I am late and scatterbrained, I am actually well organized. I like things in its place. Well, everywhere except my car. I live out of my car and it looks most of the time like I haul a bunch of toddlers around, but I don’t, it’s just me and all my messed up glory.

Also, I dry my hair with my car heater. If its summer, I just don’t dry it. That’s how little I care. Can I? No, because I’m usually late. But if its winter, hell yeah, drying my hair, putting my makeup on in my car. Whatevs. This is me, take me or leave me. You know what else, half the time I don’t wear makeup. Again, this is how little I care. I just don’t. If you don’t like me without it, why would you like me with it? Do I enjoy dressing up and putting on nice clothes and makeup and looking like an actual human being and not a homeless person? YES! I DO. When I have time. Do I have a lot of that to throw around? Generally, no. We’ve went over that.

You know what else, my clothing style is about as effed up as it can get. I don’t follow trends. I barely follow a pattern of any kind. I like Lilly Pulitzer. I have a closet full. It’s bright and fun and you know what else? THAT SHIT IS EXPENSIVE. I also have a closet full of flannel. I LOVE FLANNEL. Gimme flannel and jeans and boots and a good pocketknife, and I am the happiest person on earth. I feel like an accomplished human. Is that how I dress for court? No. I gotta try to look like a lady. I can pull it off, but it ain’t really my fave. You know what though, I ain’t really a lady, and when I open my mouth, that’s pretty clear. I do love dresses. Weird, I know. But that’s me, the weirdo. And proud of it. You know why? Because I know there is literally not another person on this earth like me.

When I say I ain’ t a lady, I’m like a Miranda Lambert song – and let’s face it, she’s my idol – comfortable in her own skin, proud of who she is, not fat but not a stick, unapologetically herself, and that is who I strive to be. In her song “Only Prettier” she says, “I got a mouth like a sailor and yours is more like a Hallmark card.” It’s me, I am the sailor, at times anyway. Do I watch my wording around people? Yes, because I am a respectful adult who appreciates and respects others. I adjust accordingly to my company because that’s polite, and I try to always be polite. But if you are what I would call good company, you’re not surprised at my shortcomings with language (looking at you, psych court peeps).

And, Yes, I did mention a pocketknife earlier. I almost always pack a pocketknife. You never know when you gonna have to shank somebody. You just don’t. And the people who know me and travel with me always make me giggle because if we’re going to a concert and we get about halfway to the door they will say, “did you remember to leave your knife?!” Most of the time, I do, in fact, remember. But if you didn’t know that about me, well, surprise.

You know what else I love? Driving. I love nothing better than to roll my windows down, throw my sunroof back, crank the tunes and drive, as long as my legs (and my bladder) can stand it. I literally don’t care. I have always loved driving. I love being on the road. Day, night, whenever. I feel at home on the road. I guess I take that after my dad, like most other things.

I like to talk. I don’t care, I will talk to anyone. I like to make people laugh. I like to cheer people up. I like to be nice to the fast food window worker or the Wal-Mart greeter; I just like to be friendly. Unless you’re not friendly, and then, I don’t really care. But for the most part, I will talk to random strangers like I’ve known them my whole life. I’m weird. I get it. I don’t care.

I am one of the most spontaneous people you will meet. If you called me right now and said, “Hey, lets drive to Destin, I wanna see the ocean!” I’d be like “yeah I’ma need about 20 minutes to get ready and we gotta drop my dogs off with Grandpa Dan on the way.” If you called me and said, “OMG ZZ TOP IS PLAYING IN TWO HOURS IN KNOXVILLE” I would be out the door and in my car before you told me where in Knoxville they were playing and if we could even get tickets. I mean, times’ a wastin’. If you called and said “YO! We gonna fly to Denver next week to see the snow,” I’d start looking for flights. Because I’m a firm believer that spontaneity is one of the best ways to live. And I live by that rule more than you know. It’s some of the best memories you can create, ever.

Fun facts about me: I love cowboy boots. And stars. And music. And concerts. And festival foods. Cigars (yes, I will smoke a cigar, don’t judge me). And sunsets. And sunrises, especially on the beach. I like to travel. I like to cross things off my bucket list. I break out into song and dance quite often, and the majority of the time, I don’t even know I’m doing it. Just absent mindedly I hear a beat and I start dancing – it don’t matter if it’s the grocery store or Wal-Mart or the Pilot station while I’m looking at candy bars and gummy worms. That is just who I am as a person.

I really just like to feel…alive. And like I’m living. Everybody gets so caught up in working and life and stress and problems and pain and grudges – JUST. BE. GRATEFUL. You’re alive. You’re breathing. You have things other people would kill to have.

Life isn’t perfect. People will hurt you. People will leave you. Sometimes they apologize, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they come back, other times, they won’t. People will lie to you, they will use you, and they will take advantage of a broken heart that still tries to be a good heart and love to the fullest. You get sick. You lose loved ones. You lose friends. You lose yourself. Life is a series of unfortunate events, but it is also beautiful. It. Is. Precious.

A few weeks ago, a person I considered a friend, a person I knew, died unexpectedly in a car accident. (Side note – his father is the reason I pack a pocketknife. In his words, “every girl oughtta pack a pocketknife.”). He left behind a young son, a mom, a dad, a brother, and a host of other family members and friends that loved him. He was a good man. A good police officer. A good father. A good friend. A good life, that was taken too soon. Our days are not guaranteed. His death has weighed on me every day since he left this world.

Now. If I died tomorrow, I would leave nothing behind. No children, no legacy, no fortune, no famous accomplishment that the world would mourn for.  My goal, however, is to live a life that people will remember me for, outside of those things. I may never have children, even though I would love to be a mother. I may never be so good at my job that I help set precedents, and it’s likely that I won’t. I may never hold a political office that does great works, and it’s very probable that I won’t. But if I am remembered for anything, I hope it’s that I was kind. That I loved people. That I had a great personality. That I helped people. That I made someone’s life better, or easier, or someone had a better day because of me. That I loved hard, harder than most, and that got the people I loved through bad days. My motto is, and has always been, to live the way you want to be remembered. I hope that’s true for me.

In addition to the unexpected loss of a friend, I lost a very important person in my life this year – Jr., my best friends dad. He was a character. He treated me like his own. He was sarcastic, and full of spunk and personality, and I treasured every minute I spent getting to know and love him. He left behind quite a legacy, and quite a family, some of the most important people in my life, and I am forever grateful for the lesson that I learned from him – Never. Give. Up. Fight until you can no longer fight. He knew who he was, what he was capable of, and he never lost sight of that. I want to be more like him. I’m so glad he got to see Killian before he passed. Killian is my nephew, my best friends’ son who was born in May, and has brought me so much joy. I never knew how full my heart could be until holding him. There is a lot of back story about that statement, but suffice it to say, he’s just real important. And if nothing else, it was a good year because he was born.

All in all, I’m pretty proud of my 32 years. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve tried to learn from them. I’ve said the wrong thing. I’ve pushed people away. I’ve needed too much. I’ve not needed enough. I have worried my friends. I have worried my family. I have made bad decisions. I’ve also made good ones. I have failed at things, and I have worked so hard to correct those failures and succeed – even with everyone telling me how hard it was. I have let people walk on me, and I have walked on people. I have not lived the perfect, most religious way. But I’m trying. I’m trying to learn to depend on God, to pray more, to be the person He knows I can be and is building me to become. I’m trying to just… live.

My goal for the next year is to just continue to live. Be who I am, and live unapologetically for being that person. I’m going to travel when I can, and maybe cross a few more things off the bucket list (pretty sure I’m gonna go to Vegas and see Aerosmith, just saying). I’m going to be the best person I can be, and help others be the best people they can be. Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep searching for answers in God and allowing His blessings to find me. Stop worrying about the people who don’t like me, who don’t value me, who have left me behind. Start worrying about me, because I value me. I know who I am. I know that being alone is better than being with someone who doesn’t accept who you are, and who doesn’t love the crazy things about you that you love about yourself, and doesn’t appreciate or respect who you are. I have lived through those things, multiple times. Right now, my life is about learning to trust God and HIS plan, not mine. Because I know His will be far greater than mine would have been.

So where am I after the last couple years of self discovery and 32 years of living and learning? I am standing on my own two feet. For the first time in my life. I don't need anyone. I got my job on my own. I represent my clients mostly on my own, with the occasional help from my awesome work family. I do a good job. I work hard. I have my own home. I pay my own bills. I am out of debt for the most part. I have two happy, healthy, beautiful four-legged girls that love me unconditionally. I have an array of friends, but I have a small circle. I have friends who are family. I have a wonderful family. I am blessed so much more than I deserve. This life has humbled me, yet strengthened me. I know who I can trust. I know who I can't. I know who talks about me behind my back, who starts rumors, and who tries to dull my shine. I smile at them, too. I live my life for me. I get my tattoos for me. I am a work in progress when it comes to losing weight and eating healthy, but I have lost 25 pounds (give or take) this year and I have kept it off. Do I still have goals? Of course. Everyone should have goals. Everyone should keep setting goals and crushing them, but for you, no one else. I don't try to impress anybody. I just do me. I'm loud, my laugh carries, but I don't care. God gave it to me for a reason. If you don't like me, if you have problems with me, that's for you to sort through. My life is mine. I have worked my ass off to get where I am, I have earned where I am. Am I a size 2? nah. Do I care? nah. Will I ever be? hellllllllll to the nah. But I know my worth. I know my heart. I know who I am. And for the most part, I love myself, more than I ever have, and that love will only grow stronger. Of that, I am sure. I'm still a work in progress, with most things, and I know there is always room for improvement, so as long as I love me and I don't forget what I'm capable of, as long as I keep grinding, I will never stop growing and being better. That's one of the beautiful things about this life.

My best advice after the life I've lived in 32 years – just be yourself and live your story. Be the person no one thought you could be, not even you. Don’t be ashamed of who you are, be proud, be bold. Don't be afraid to act silly. Laugh often. Laughter can cure so many of life's problems. Don't apologize for who you are, where you came from, or where you're going. Wear red even though your mother hates it, because you like it and it's your color. Get the tattoo. Buy the shoes. Book the trip. BE KIND. Always. Don't hold grudges. Forgive, and allow yourself to be forgiven. Life is so short, and everyday could be the day you lose someone. The day you see them for the last time. Don't leave things unsaid. Tell people you love them. Tell people what they mean to you. Love hard, even though it hurts sometimes. Be an example. Be a light to whomever you can, whenever you can. If you have children, be thankful for them, not all of us are blessed, not yet, anyway. Never back down, never give up, and never let fear keep you from loving someone, or being loved, or reaching your goals. Follow your own path. And if you need a good pep talk, I’m always here.

Deuces.