How I Wish...How I Wish You Were Here

I don’t even know where to begin. I guess, maybe the beginning. Circa, February 2008. My first week at Hyden Citizens Bank. Maybe the first day. I was standing in my teller window, when a sucker landed in front of me. And then another hit me on the head. I looked up, and a man was standing on the second floor in the open with a big grin on his face. And so begin the entrance of Ray Brewer into my life.

Tina Caldwell was standing beside me and she said, “That’s Ray. He’s just saying hello.” It wasn’t long before I learned the connection between Ray, and the flamboyant elderly woman who worked down at the end teller window, Betty. Betty was a character. And, she was Ray’s mother in law. Two weeks after I started, Betty had a stroke at work, and she never returned to work. I had only worked with her a couple weeks, but she was full of personality and I had already gotten attached to her.

Betty was from the old school, so to speak. She was full of innuendo and nicknames. When I was headed down to the kitchen to grab a pop she’d holler at me and say, “grab me a diet doctor pecker.” And that was just the tip of the iceberg. She had nicknames for everyone. She started out calling me Blondie, but she decided she didn’t care as much for that, so it went to Dagwood. For all of those who don’t know, it’s from an old cartoon that used to be in the paper, “Dagwood and Blondie.” It sure is funny thinking about something so important from my childhood, like cartoons in the Lexington Herald, being a thing of the past, but, it is.

Anyway, I had gotten so attached to Betty that I would go see her at her home as often as I could. I would take her butterscotch candy because she loved it. Sugar free, of course.  But that was the beginning I think of when Ray adopted me. I don’t even remember when I started calling him Pap, but at some point I started and never stopped. And he was. He was like my dad. Don’t get me wrong, I have the best dad in the world, but Ray was a great second dad. He did all the fatherly things. He gave me advice. He was always there when I needed him. When my vehicle wouldn’t start, when I needed encouragement. When I needed someone to believe in me. When I needed a random gift, and there was no shortage of those.

For over 10 years, Ray Brewer blessed my life. Yesterday, I had to say goodbye, for the last time. I was not prepared, especially since hearing the news the day before that a life long friend had died unexpectedly. I have been mostly numb since, but, the tribute to his life was something spectacular.

Yesterday, Fred Brashear spoke of Ray and described him as best that anyone could have, and as best I would know how. He said the two words that most described Ray were, “Love” and “Servant.” He could not have been more accurate. Ray gave his life to Hyden Citizens Bank, and this community. I have heard more than once how Ray only took one vacation, to Myrtle Beach for just a few days, and he was miserable. But that didn’t mean that Ray didn’t enjoy himself. He loved being here, helping others. He loved seeing people get the things they need, or didn’t need. He really loved giving them things they needed, or didn’t need. Over the years I can’t begin to tell you the things he’s given me. The countless times he was there for me.

In 2011, when I had my first real heartbreak, and I was barely eating enough to stay alive, he came to my teller window one day with a blue bottle, like an old medicine bottle with a cork in it.  He told me there were feel good pills inside it. They were actually peanut butter M&Ms. But it made me smile, and it did make me feel better, if only for a few brief moments.

When I took my CCDW class, I forgot to bring a gun. Yeah…I know. Blonde moments are my specialty. Anyway, I got Ray, and he found me a gun. And I got my concealed carry with his gun. I still have my big poster I shot at. Not my best work, but I’ll always remember that I was able to accomplish that with his help. He also took the photo that I had to send in for the photo on the card. Ray was an every step of the way type of guy.

Not too many years ago, I was in the bank, and at the time I still worked there. Ray was a collector of many things, some he used, some he didn’t. I mentioned wanting a vinyl record player. A couple hours later I was notified that Ray had something for me. Guess what it was – a vinyl record player. If you mentioned to Ray that you liked something, you’d have it very soon. I still have a Cross pen that I haven’t taken out of the box. It’s a $40+ pen. I always thought, what if I lost it? So, it’s still in the box, and that’s where it will stay, because it means that much to me, because Ray gave it to me.

Once when I couldn’t get my car started, and I couldn’t get a hold of dad, Ray was my next call. And he came straight to me. And he fixed my car. And on my way I went.

When I had surgery to have my appendix removed, he offered to drive his humongous RV all the way to Cincinnati to pick me up so that I could lie down on the way home and be more comfortable.

My most favorite memories of Ray, though, were always how I could hear him before I could see him. And I don’t mean he was loud when he talked. Well, he kinda was, I guess, but that’s not what I’m referring to. I mean how he listened to old school Rock n’ Roll – Pink Floyd especially – at deafening levels. Once I rode with him to Louisville to set up the booth for Leslie County for the state fair and we jammed the entire way. I couldn’t really hear for a day or two when we got back, but it was worth the temporary deafness. We always had a love of music in common. He always kept music playing upstairs.

As most people who knew him can attest, he always told you to turn it off and back on in order to fix it. It became this running joke at the bank, and before we called Ray we would unplug it, turn it off and back on, and restart it. Because we knew he was going to say to try those three things first.

Ray loved to cook, and I loved to eat his cooking. Although sometimes he didn’t know when to quit adding ingredients. He had some meat for Relay once, and it was PERFECT. Delicious. But, he kept thinking it would be better. No recipe, just grabbing random stuff out of the cabinets. Random packets of sauce that were in the fridge, saved from just as a random assortment of restaurants. He did that until I could no longer eat it. But for a minute, it was the best thing I’d ever tasted.

However, a year or two later he redeemed himself. It was another Relay for Life – this time held on Main Street. It was 4:00 in the morning. Hardly anyone was left, but we had gathered in the lobby of the bank. Ray disappeared downstairs, and a little while later I could smell something that I can only describe as Heaven. He came back with a plateful of Bourbon Maple Bacon. It was probably the best thing I’ve ever eaten. And I will always remember it.

The thing about Ray, is that there are no bad memories. I have no bad memories with Ray. He was Ray. He was my pap. He was my second dad. He loved me, and I may never know how much. I have felt for the longest time that I let him down with my divorce. I know it hurt his heart. But I have decided that even though in my heart I know it was a mistake to be married, I feel like the reason and purpose was so that Ray could be the one to marry me while he was here and alive, so that I could keep my promise to him. I made that promise to him the day I found out he was licensed to do so. Long before I was ever with my ex husband. And the thing is, he performed the most perfect ceremony I have ever witnessed. And I know it was because he loved me so much, he wanted it to be perfect. I am sorry he had to hurt over us not making it, but I will always have fond memories of that day because Ray was there, and he did an amazing job.

There are so many memories with Ray. I could write an entire book on the things and memories that were Ray Brewer. Working on floats for the bank, him talking me into dressing up as the Cookie Monster one year, riding in the back and freezing to death with Tracy dressed as the Gingerbread man, so many Relay for Life nights, so many meals, so many dinners, so much sweet tea or as he called it, Sun tea, which always turned out delicious. He was always with a camera taking pictures when you didn’t want to be photographed. Now, I wish I had taken more.

This has definitely been the hardest week that I have experienced since losing my granny in 2007. Not only did I have to say goodbye to Ray yesterday, but Saturday I learned that a lifelong friend, a close friend, one of the best people I knew, had died unexpectedly of a heart attack. At times, I have felt like I’m drowning. I never expected to lose Ray this soon. I thought someday he could be the one to perform my next wedding ceremony (laugh if you must, it’s OK). I thought someday I would be able to share news with him that I would be a mom. I thought someday he and Laine could babysit my future child(ren). And none of those things may happen. But even if they do, Ray won’t be here to see them. That’s what hurts the most, knowing that there are going to be important moments in my life that he will miss out on.

No matter what, now I know for sure that Ray will be my guardian angel. He will be there to guide me, and protect me, and be a voice of reason in my head when I’m not sure. And I know that he will send me signs.

Ray was one of the best men I have ever known. He just happened to be friends with my other second dad, Cabbage Patch. I don’t know what I will do without Ray now. Papa Patch is gonna have to fill a double roll, I guess. Papa Patch is pretty protective over me, so that helps. Two very extraordinary men that I am blessed, and was blessed, to have in my life. I was so afraid I wouldn't make it back home from California in time to say Goodbye. And even though he was in Hospice and he was unresponsive, I know in my heart and soul that he knew I was there. 

Possibly the sweetest thing I have ever heard, was the story that Laine told at the funeral. She said that Ray told her that when she was able to replace the word “Love” in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, that she would be ready to marry him. And she read it with his name, and I felt my heart break even more. She said he was her person. And they were perfect. She has been a tough woman to put up with Ray and all his quirks. But she has never failed to treat me like her own and be my second mama. Laine, if you read this, please know that I love you dearly, and I have nothing but immense appreciation and respect for you – as a woman, as a mother, and as a wife. And you are such an important role model in my life. Thank you for everything you have done for me, and for all the love and devotion you gave to pap.

I know there are so many things I should say, and there are so many things that have already been said. But I am long winded and I tend to go overboard with these things, especially when I pay tribute to someone close to me. But there are too many memories to write. There are too many words that I could use to describe this important man that meant so much to my life, and will always mean so much to my life. He had a vital role in my life, and part of me will always be a little bit lost without him. But I am not alone, everyone that knew him will be a bit lost now. His absence is already being felt. His heart was the size of continents. He gave everything he had to make sure the community stayed afloat – fundraisers, veterans day projects, movies in the park, Halloween, Christmas, Relay for Life – you name it and Ray was a part of it. He was one of the most loved people this community has ever seen. And he chose me as a daughter of the heart. He chose me, to love and care for and encourage and invest in, and I am such a better person because of him.

Pap, I intended to write this as a tribute before you passed. I wanted you to know just how important you were to me, and how much I loved you. I should have told you more. I should have spent more time with you. I just thought I had more time. I didn’t want to accept you were leaving us. But I know you are one of Heaven’s brightest shining angels now, and you know how much you were loved. Thank you for every single thing you did for me – big or small – because every thing meant the world to me. You made me a better person. You added an extra size to my heart. You helped my heart be filled with love and positivity. You pushed me to do better, and be better, and you never gave up on me. You knew I was destined for great things. You loved me, no matter what. And I will love you, forever. Rest in Peace my sweet Pap. You were one of a kind, and you made this world a better place. I hope those of us who knew and loved you can carry on your grace and remind every one of your legacy.

Pink Floyd said it best – “How I wish…How I wish you were here.” And at least for the time being, "I have become...comfortably numb."